I really appreciated the idea of journaling this process, to have a place to come anytime and work through whatever NOT drinking brings up, or in the event that I slip, a documentation, confession, etc?to reflect upon and hopeful support of others along the way. I hope this is the correct place on the forum to do this. Here goes?
Today is my 3rd day AF. I am currently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands, which is challenging. It's amazing how much time is used up being wasted, passed out, hungover and recovering. Now I'm well rested, sober and have plenty of energy?Now I want to find positive, productive, healing things to do with my ample time. There were countless times that I drank out of sheer boredom. So, I'm trying to look at this as positively as possible. I'm trying to treat this as my own 'intensive care unit', a womb for re-birth, if you will. I realize how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. I have no relationship, job or any other potential hinderance (or excuse!) to veer away from this process. It's time to take responsibility and stop running from me.
It's amazing to me what even a few days of abstaining does for mental and emotional clarity. Already I'm seeing the self destructive patterns I've established in my life. I can see how I set up things in a viscous cycle. My boss, my boyfriend, my alcohol?all abusive. I did this. I sought it out, I perpetuated it and I fed it, one with another to keep it alive & thriving. This sux to look at and accept. I HAVE to get to the bottom of why I feel I deserve this kind of punishment; virtual annihilation. Why I have become such a masochist. I have been an active participant is the destruction of me. This is really painful to dissect. I'm sure it goes way back and the unraveling is essential. Not to dwell on, or blame anyone, but to find the original (and subsequent) wound/s so it can be attended to. I've no need to harbor animosity or aggression toward anyone. My parents didn't mean to damage me, and the people in my adult life who did damage me deliberately, well I let them. And I did my fair share of damaging as well. This acknowledgment is crucial to healing, but damn it's f'ugly.
If I'm really honest with myself, I've been dealing with this self-loathing long before I started drinking. It's been with me a very long time. Perhaps the pain just became too much and I began looking for a way to physically feel the pain I was emotionally experiencing. Alcohol is great for that!
Sorry for the ramble, had to get the clutter outta my head. Here's to today, a day without poison! Grateful for this forum and the wonderful souls to share it with. :h
Today is my 3rd day AF. I am currently unemployed and have a lot of time on my hands, which is challenging. It's amazing how much time is used up being wasted, passed out, hungover and recovering. Now I'm well rested, sober and have plenty of energy?Now I want to find positive, productive, healing things to do with my ample time. There were countless times that I drank out of sheer boredom. So, I'm trying to look at this as positively as possible. I'm trying to treat this as my own 'intensive care unit', a womb for re-birth, if you will. I realize how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. I have no relationship, job or any other potential hinderance (or excuse!) to veer away from this process. It's time to take responsibility and stop running from me.
It's amazing to me what even a few days of abstaining does for mental and emotional clarity. Already I'm seeing the self destructive patterns I've established in my life. I can see how I set up things in a viscous cycle. My boss, my boyfriend, my alcohol?all abusive. I did this. I sought it out, I perpetuated it and I fed it, one with another to keep it alive & thriving. This sux to look at and accept. I HAVE to get to the bottom of why I feel I deserve this kind of punishment; virtual annihilation. Why I have become such a masochist. I have been an active participant is the destruction of me. This is really painful to dissect. I'm sure it goes way back and the unraveling is essential. Not to dwell on, or blame anyone, but to find the original (and subsequent) wound/s so it can be attended to. I've no need to harbor animosity or aggression toward anyone. My parents didn't mean to damage me, and the people in my adult life who did damage me deliberately, well I let them. And I did my fair share of damaging as well. This acknowledgment is crucial to healing, but damn it's f'ugly.
If I'm really honest with myself, I've been dealing with this self-loathing long before I started drinking. It's been with me a very long time. Perhaps the pain just became too much and I began looking for a way to physically feel the pain I was emotionally experiencing. Alcohol is great for that!
Sorry for the ramble, had to get the clutter outta my head. Here's to today, a day without poison! Grateful for this forum and the wonderful souls to share it with. :h
This time 4 SURE!
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