morning all ...its 4.45 am just getting ready so thought I would start the fred.......hope we are all ok..off tecting....
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
Bernadette
I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...
I haven't even got any coconuts.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious
BBC News: Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train.
I think I'm luckier, I've never been hit by a train
They say, "Crime doesn't pay."
Well, I work in Cash Converters and apparently it does.
Fifty Sheds of Grey
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
Bernadette
I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...
I haven't even got any coconuts.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious
BBC News: Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train.
I think I'm luckier, I've never been hit by a train
They say, "Crime doesn't pay."
Well, I work in Cash Converters and apparently it does.
Fifty Sheds of Grey
I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief." says Paddy,"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
haha on the urine joke! Happy Mother's day to us glorious moms on here
PQ,I don't know how to post links but it was in a Conde nasty article on google about the lentils,I just loved the title,Lav,hope you are ok,,,be safe! Went to Ruby Tuesday last night and had a loaded baked potato,a chicken breast smothered in bbq sauce,bacon and cheese+a chocolate cake with ice cream for the road,it was good and im glad hubs took us out,much love to all and wishes for a super BF Sunday!
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