You are reading this because we have something in common. I describe it as a painful addiction that is built on deep sadness and the unbearable heaviness of being. Yes that's deep, but at the moment, it feels it! Agree? Do read on and see if we can resonate with each other.
Just listening to me is such a gift. So, thank you. I really appreciate your time in reading my story, particularly because I cannot share these thoughts with anyone in my "real" (how ironic?) life. Cathartic in practice at its best!
I feel so desparately lonely, but you would never believe it from my life story, unless you were very very clever - I am not sure if I took a straw poll of my deepest friends and family that they would not be shocked to read of my secret feelings....The sense of relief in sharing my story for the first time in 45 years with you makes me weep as I write.
I am as you now know a 45 year old. I am in London UK and I guess fit the description of a "successful" executive mum. I've done difficult divorces and am curently married to a (guess what - co-dependent functioning alcoholic in denial) lovely man. We have four gorgeous teen daughters , a massive mortgage and a beautiful home in one of the most prestigious areas of London. BUT...
Every night we get home and get bombed.
The children must have figured it out (but oh the shame it's not discussed formally - just in inunendo, comments which, of course, we rebuff/ignore). My black outs get worse - now totally three or four a week. Many "mornings after" I wonder what precisely happened at the end of the night before - rows, behaviour, details of conversations - but just put my head in my hands and solider on.
Since my husband isn't much better positioned than me in terms of his alcohol dependance, it is not discussed. Weirdly, we seem to both ignore the hangovers and breeze on. I do raise that I am concerned, but he always brushes it off and says it's how we cope with "stress" and we are functioning since we do not pour gin on our cornflakes.
I take the occasional Valium and a variety of anti-nausea pills to steady me depending on how hard life is, but my main drug is daily alcohol and as the Brits say "Bob's your uncle"... another day of high performance at work; an hour with the kids and then we hit the bottle and collapse again.
Would you call this controlled alcoholism? I guess I would. It involves a bottle or two of wine a day is the normal dose.
My husband is a marathon runner, so has cardio fitness (yet an untested fatty liver/cirrhosis progress) and an apparent joie de vivre masked by enormous denial (he says he does not fall around drunk all day and just uses it to relieve stress so he is "normal! and I am the one with the problem around guilt and alcohol; meanwhile I get fatter (BMI of just under 25) and sadder by the day about our situation, I work out, but the booze makes me hungry and boozily thirstier, thus the fatter I get NS the more I hate myself and the more I get into yoyo diet scenario etc... nightmare!
I've tried therapy; I've tried my pathetic willpower to its limits, I've tried cups of tea... to no avail. A drink tends to always be the answer. However, a lifeline presents. I am very interested in Baclofen following finding out about the travails of Dr Olivier Ameisen and reading his powerful book. Any views/experiences to share - how can I try this in the UK?
AA just doesn't appeal because I am an agnostic/atheist and the spiritual aspect doesnm't work for me.
Repeating the earlier, but refreshing your thoughts, despite a loving family, my life feels empty, sad and lonely. I feel greedy, selfish and a fraud. I feel I do not deserve my success and have chosen a man to share my life with that endorses and reflects my failure/sickness.
This is all deeply self-indulgent, but if you can relate or have any comments or advice, I would so appreciate your insights. How have you overcome or how are you trying to overcome alcohol addiction? I want (of course) to become the girl who has two drinks and doesn't need anymore (Nirvana), but I'd settle with not caring about drinking alcohol again. I want a pill and do feel it's a medical issue.
Getting more excited by the second about my first responder.
And if I can help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask.
With care and anticipation....
Clare
Just listening to me is such a gift. So, thank you. I really appreciate your time in reading my story, particularly because I cannot share these thoughts with anyone in my "real" (how ironic?) life. Cathartic in practice at its best!
I feel so desparately lonely, but you would never believe it from my life story, unless you were very very clever - I am not sure if I took a straw poll of my deepest friends and family that they would not be shocked to read of my secret feelings....The sense of relief in sharing my story for the first time in 45 years with you makes me weep as I write.
I am as you now know a 45 year old. I am in London UK and I guess fit the description of a "successful" executive mum. I've done difficult divorces and am curently married to a (guess what - co-dependent functioning alcoholic in denial) lovely man. We have four gorgeous teen daughters , a massive mortgage and a beautiful home in one of the most prestigious areas of London. BUT...
Every night we get home and get bombed.
The children must have figured it out (but oh the shame it's not discussed formally - just in inunendo, comments which, of course, we rebuff/ignore). My black outs get worse - now totally three or four a week. Many "mornings after" I wonder what precisely happened at the end of the night before - rows, behaviour, details of conversations - but just put my head in my hands and solider on.
Since my husband isn't much better positioned than me in terms of his alcohol dependance, it is not discussed. Weirdly, we seem to both ignore the hangovers and breeze on. I do raise that I am concerned, but he always brushes it off and says it's how we cope with "stress" and we are functioning since we do not pour gin on our cornflakes.
I take the occasional Valium and a variety of anti-nausea pills to steady me depending on how hard life is, but my main drug is daily alcohol and as the Brits say "Bob's your uncle"... another day of high performance at work; an hour with the kids and then we hit the bottle and collapse again.
Would you call this controlled alcoholism? I guess I would. It involves a bottle or two of wine a day is the normal dose.
My husband is a marathon runner, so has cardio fitness (yet an untested fatty liver/cirrhosis progress) and an apparent joie de vivre masked by enormous denial (he says he does not fall around drunk all day and just uses it to relieve stress so he is "normal! and I am the one with the problem around guilt and alcohol; meanwhile I get fatter (BMI of just under 25) and sadder by the day about our situation, I work out, but the booze makes me hungry and boozily thirstier, thus the fatter I get NS the more I hate myself and the more I get into yoyo diet scenario etc... nightmare!
I've tried therapy; I've tried my pathetic willpower to its limits, I've tried cups of tea... to no avail. A drink tends to always be the answer. However, a lifeline presents. I am very interested in Baclofen following finding out about the travails of Dr Olivier Ameisen and reading his powerful book. Any views/experiences to share - how can I try this in the UK?
AA just doesn't appeal because I am an agnostic/atheist and the spiritual aspect doesnm't work for me.
Repeating the earlier, but refreshing your thoughts, despite a loving family, my life feels empty, sad and lonely. I feel greedy, selfish and a fraud. I feel I do not deserve my success and have chosen a man to share my life with that endorses and reflects my failure/sickness.
This is all deeply self-indulgent, but if you can relate or have any comments or advice, I would so appreciate your insights. How have you overcome or how are you trying to overcome alcohol addiction? I want (of course) to become the girl who has two drinks and doesn't need anymore (Nirvana), but I'd settle with not caring about drinking alcohol again. I want a pill and do feel it's a medical issue.
Getting more excited by the second about my first responder.
And if I can help you in any way, do not hesitate to ask.
With care and anticipation....
Clare
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