joke of the day

[Samstone]

An insurance salesman stops at a farmer's house and sees the wife hanging up laundry on the clothesline. He walks up and says to her "I'd like to speak to you about some insurance", to which she replies that he would have to speak to her husband who's around back feeding the pigs. The salesman walks back and sees the farmer with all these pigs around him and suddenly notices a pig running up with a wooden leg. He's amazed asks the farmer what's the deal with pig with the wooden leg.

The farmer replies "Well that really is a special pig. One day the Mrs and I were in town and this pig came up all excited, jumping around and what not. We followed him back home and the pig lead us to the pond where our son was drowning. We saved him, thanks to this pig."

The salesman scratches his head and says "wow that is some story, but what's with the wooden leg?" Farmer replies "you can't eat a pig like that all at once"

[Byrdlady]

:haha: :haha:

What did one strawberry say to the other?
"If we hadn't been seen in the same bed together we wouldn't be in this jam..."

[Stevo]

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, “Sir can I have five beers please.”

Doctor: “I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”

Just a couple that I thought the crew in here might get a giggle out of.

[Samstone]

what do you call a WASP?

a want-to-bee

[Bandit]

http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/A-rockstar-a-cowboy-and-a-biker-walk-into-a-bar.jpg

Sorry for the lame gag, but need a lift to my otherwise sado spirits today folks!

[Bandit]

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.

“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

[Stevo]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Apologies to any teachers out there.

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

[Samstone]

A Panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After he finishes he gets up, pulls a pistol and shoots the mirror behind the bar. Then he walks out the door.

The bar tender rushes out and accosts the Panda "hey, what did you do that for?".

To which the Panda replies "I'm a Panda. Look it up".

Later the bar tender looks up "Panda" in the dictionary and finds this entry:

"Panda: a large Asian mammal; member of the bear family; eats shoots and leaves."

[Stevo]

‘Bob’s Tavern’ was right next door to a cemetery. One day in mid winter a drunk stumbled out of the tavern. Due to his drunk state he wasn’t careful where he was going and he fell into a freshly dug grave. “Help!” Screamed the drunk on the top of his lungs, “I’m freezing!”

Before long another drunk sauntered out of the tavern and made his way towards the first drunk’s cries. “I’m freezing!” Screamed the first drunk again.

“Of course you are” scolded the second drunk, coming closer. “You kicked off all of the dirt they had covered you with!”

[Samstone]

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass viols have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said.

"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded!"

[NoSugar]

Good one, Sam!

[Samstone]

A man's wife finds him dangling a fishing lure into a bucket of water in the middle of the den; and says to herself "I'd take him to a psychiatrist, but we really need the fish."

[Stevo]

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender says,"why the long face?"
The horse replies,"my alcoholism is destroying my family."

What's Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1

Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?
...because he's married.

[Tatahi5]

And now I get to find out you are thoughtful, generous and funny!! Three punch combo!!

[Stevo]

And now I get to find out you are thoughtful, generous and funny!! Three punch combo!!

Hi Tatahi5,

These 3 jokes are meant to be so stupid that they make you have a giggle,hopefully no one has found them offensive.
I am not too sure of what to make of your comment but if it is you being nice then thankyou.