My husband betrayed my confidence

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

wow that is awful about your funerals I am so sorry.
I am trying to get less mad but it hasn't happened yet. I am going to skip the whole thing I think, unless I have calmed down by then. I am just so embarrassed and feel so screwed over! I am proud of what I am doing but I still wanted it to be "mine" until I was ready, if ever!!

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Totally relate, HappyCamper.

I'm probably old enough to be your mother (at least )
BUT I was in a similar marriage for 20 years and got myself into a similar relationship now but with a sweeter man. Prob is, husband was a deadbeat - nonworking, nondrinking verbally abusive man.

this man is a lush too and either way, neither is a good fit.

I feel the same as you - I hate to be outed and resent it. When you lose trust things do seem to start to fall apart. I hate being the manager, owner, babysitter of a grown man. I hate nagging to share the chores. I work as many hours as he(they) do (did - more than ex by far - got a copy of the social security benefits to prove it - and the ex will be collecting on my income, not his).

If your hubby makes amends and explains to his friend what brought about his need to talk, or makes appropriate apologies to you, via actions, not words, like cleaning the house, etc. then maybe it will all be all right.

I agree with your decision not to attend the function. Maybe some alone time with your daughter will be blessed and help you destress and remember your strengths and not let someone else make you feel less than you are. Urge him to attend without you. But also be aware that men don't always tell the whole truth .. but of course you already know that, being a woman so the attendance thing could go either way.

And remember, though we all have weaknesses (and I believe you, BTW, about the not drinking during pregnancy cuz I did not, either) we also all have strengths, and I think these are the things you have to cling to to keep your sense of self-worth.

Hope things work out for you. Best and hugs
Rock

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Re: Totally relate, HappyCamper.

Hey Rock,
I doubt you're old enough to be my mom (I'm almost 38 had my first child at 35). Another kick in the teeth is my mom died when I was 24 and my dad left me to take care of her while she was dying. He had already been in AA for 7 years when he left- that's why I am so anti AA- he met another woman there before my mom even died- I've been to enough meetings for his anniversaries and what not to see how selfish a program it can be- we are all here to because we want to be better people, parents, friends, whatever, they are way too self involved and have to take care of "them" all the time (at least that was my impression). Any proponents of AA my apologies.

Anyway, I regress. Yes, I definitely think I'm gonna pass on it (the PARTY). I feel he needs to be punished for what he did. I don't know how he can undo this. Cleaning the house isn't going to cut it and he won't even think to believe me. I was already too nice to him on the phone today, he may think I'm over it so I have to get mean again (I had a dad issue that I needed to talk to him about- I think he thinks he's out of the doghouse because there's only room for one but I have a very large doghouse today!)

Are you married to this new nice lush man? Patty

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

No,, thank the lord, I did NOT marry this man

nor do I plan to. I agree with you. I'm a pushoever, I'll bend over backwards to make it all nice and then I realize I need to stay steely hard and stick to my convictions. Anger can actually be a very good friend - within reason. And you're right. I'm 50 not quite old enough. Nevertheless, don't feel bad about your daughter, children all develop at their own rate, and don't worry about the people who will talk - heck, almost all of them will ... a lot of people who have not gone through bad times cannot have any compassion - I'm not talking empathy or even sympathy but if you ever have any kind of bad times, you come into compassion. If your husband cannot get into that or your friends, it is better to cool out and take some time alone. And my two cents, let him BEG you for what to do to fix it - cleaning the house would be a good start, if he offers and you don't have to ask.

As for my current partner - man, he made a major screwup this week with his own drinking. Broke some stuff. Locked himself out of the house and had to break a pane of glass (fortunately small) to get back in. I would not talk to him, made him sleep in a spare room, told him, fix the window, get the vacuum out, you're in charge of dinner, vacuuming up your mess and making dinner and cleaning THAT UP. And I'm still not finished with being vindictive. With this particular man, it's working quite well. I don't WANT to be in charge, but he put me in that position of always taking care of him in this relationship so I use it to my advantage. And I don't want to give the impression that I don't respect him or love him, but I do. But I simply will not put up with any crap anymore.
And my name is Cathy

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Hi Patty --

My heart aches for you right now. I would feel just as you do -- betrayed, embarrassed, mortified etc. And I would want to kill him. I have not told my husband anything yet for a number of reasons, chief among them my fear of failing again. My husband is a very much "keep it in the house guy" so while I wouldn't expect him to talk, you never know. He has surprised me in the past.

I cannot add anything new here - I echo what everyone has said. This does not diminish your success. You are strong and doing a great job.

I have made a COMPLETE ASS of myself more than once in front of friends and new aquaintances. There were times I thought I could never face some people again. Somehow, I have managed to pick myself up, dust myself out (or wring myself out) hold my head high (the hardest part) and go on. I have simply made my mind up to move past the situation and if asked or if I heard it commented on, I said, yes - I was drunk and an ass and I really regret....whatever. Sometimes if you move past it with dignity and grace (whatever can be mustered) other people do too.

Nothing I or anyone can say will make you feel less angry or less betrayed. How you handle it from here is your call. Be stong and proud. You have every reason.

And love that baby! From all I read, you are fabulous with her. Noone can take that from you or top you.

Many cyber hugs being sent your way (((((())))))))

Kate

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Thanks to all of you- I am going to make him cut the fat off the chicken tonight for starters- he'd rather die than do that.

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Good answer - keep it rolling but semi-sweetly (eom)

>:

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Sorry to hear about your betrayal. Don't let what others think of you get to you or even matter. It's what you think of yourself that matters. People will come and go in your life -
you are in it for the duraton. What your daughter and husband think is important - and making sure the lines of communication are open and safe is essential. Your daughter is too young right now to voice and opinion - but she absorbs everything you say and do. Respect that. As for your husband, let him know how your feel, that you would never dream of treating him the same way and find a way to move forward. No matter how mad or upset you are - if he really loves you it will work out. You need his support right now and he is probably feeling a bit scared and alone. Just have an open and honest conversation - with love in your heart.
Best of luck
wellseasoned

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

thank you well seasoned- well said-

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

happycamper68
YOU are so VERY WELCOME!
Keep up the good fight!
wellseasoned

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Re: Betrayal

I am just so, so, sorry that you are going through this. I don't know how I would react if my husband did the same to me. None of our friends or family are drinkers, and none of them know I have a drinking problem. I have manged to keep it from them for many years. When I told my hubby that I was going to do MWO, he was so happy, he promised to support me and keep it and my problem drinking a secret with me. He is the only one who knew I drank. If he told any of our friends or family after promising not to, I'm not sure I would take it well at all. I know he loves me, and he never looks at things the same way as I do. NOTHING. So if I need him to do or to act on something a certain way, I have to spell it out, or he may surprise me in a way I don't like. Maybe you need to have an understanding with your husband on who he can tell and who he can't, and how much he can tell and how much he can't. That's the only way we (my husband and I) can get along and do good. I'll say a prayer for you. E.

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Re: Betrayal

Patty,
I am going through the same thing. My husband was so supportive when I started this, and I have done really well. But the minute I have a bad day (or night), he says..."Hows that MWO thing workin for ya?" It hurts so bad, because like Nina said, most people who criticize us have a deeper, darker secrets to hide.

I came here in March after getting out of control after finding out my husband was basically having an affair over the internet. I was devastated. He said it is my fault, because I have "had an affair" with alcohol.

I have now found out that he reads all of my posts, so what do I have to lose by posting this last time? I guess I will just change my screen name. It hurts to not be supported by the one you love the most. And that was the conclusion I was coming to about why I got here in the first place, is because I have always been rejected by the men in my life. First my Dad, then my first husband left me with two small children to raise alone (thats when I started drinking), and then my current husband came on the scene as a night in shining armor eleven years ago. Every bad habit and behavior that he has exhibited is "excusable". But not mine.

I am just feeling really sad that the only safe place I had to go has now been thwarted as well.

Sorry to complain, but I do understand!
Allie

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Re: Betrayal

Allie, I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I know when I found out my husband was having an affair with a member of a board they both were on I was devastated - I thought we were best friends, though never really good lovers. Anyway, I stuck it out. He too blamed in on my drinking but he was verbally abusive - constant criticism, sarcasm, etc. It took me five years to leave - and mostly financial and just enough time to get my daughter through HS.

Hope you do change your screen name. That is so invasive for him to read your mail. Please try to hang in there. I went on a real bender, BIG time, when I found out. Please stay on the board so we can help you if you need it.
Hugs
Cathy

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Re: Betrayal

Thanks Cathy -

All I can do is cry today!

Allie

[Guest]

My husband betrayed my confidence

Please hang in there - change your name if you must

I'll be watching for you, Allie. I really feel your pain. Hugs
Cathy