Stunned....
Wow - which seems such a trite word to write just now....because Patty, July and Beth.... Well, July, you have yet again put something so lovely and so, so huge in so few words...words to tuck in my back pocket. Thank you. (And Thankful - thanks again!)
And Patty and and Beth....well, you are so right...it would seem that my Mum's death is opening such a gift box. Oh I so want something different to the way it was with me and her for me and my children. I think it's been the only thing that's really mattered to me, hence my 'obsession' and consequent appearing not to 'move on'.... And I too woke up wondering if a 'book' wouldn't be fuel-on-the-fire or only result in more guilt all round...but the jury's out on that just now.
And the " Revisionist History Attitude " is brilliant! Thing is, I stand guilty as charged big time (of course) with my folks.... So here I am between the two 'worlds' - that of my relationship between me and my folks and the relationship between my and my kids. (Duh, don't we all!?!) But this is a real chance for me to swallow - no, let go of - my pride and just maybe discover my folks' good sides...and own up to the fact that even typing that causes a pain in my chest...
As long as I can keep the balance between still acknowledging all the nasty stuff I lived through so it is not negated (which most have seemed to want me to - just negate it - in the past but then it remains trapped) and that the associated feelings were/are appropriate but don't have to hang around, and seeing the good in the parents and all the good things that happened......sigh, it is so hard to come up with those, why? Am I that negative?!? (Er, don't answer that one!)
I guess it's just that if I really see the good, and the mess focussing on all the negative has caused, the pain of regret will be just too great...... It could well have been that from the parent's end too as in the main 'bone' I had to pick with them was that they focussed endlessly on my failings and rarely my good parts/acheivements... When my mum was ill and I knew what was going on, and my dad woke up to the fact that has been my work for 26 years (!), he was amazed at my 'brilliance' (I'm not going that far!) and told everybody how 'marvellous' I was and it was an incredible (new) feeling to me! (ok!! Yes, I will focus on that too!) Just what took him so long?!? But better late than never!
So, onwards - a day of packing and last minute things (flowers and confirming the prayers/readings) and we leave Wed morning for the funeral on Thursday....
Thanks again - BIG!
Love FMS xx
Wow - which seems such a trite word to write just now....because Patty, July and Beth.... Well, July, you have yet again put something so lovely and so, so huge in so few words...words to tuck in my back pocket. Thank you. (And Thankful - thanks again!)
And Patty and and Beth....well, you are so right...it would seem that my Mum's death is opening such a gift box. Oh I so want something different to the way it was with me and her for me and my children. I think it's been the only thing that's really mattered to me, hence my 'obsession' and consequent appearing not to 'move on'.... And I too woke up wondering if a 'book' wouldn't be fuel-on-the-fire or only result in more guilt all round...but the jury's out on that just now.
And the " Revisionist History Attitude " is brilliant! Thing is, I stand guilty as charged big time (of course) with my folks.... So here I am between the two 'worlds' - that of my relationship between me and my folks and the relationship between my and my kids. (Duh, don't we all!?!) But this is a real chance for me to swallow - no, let go of - my pride and just maybe discover my folks' good sides...and own up to the fact that even typing that causes a pain in my chest...
As long as I can keep the balance between still acknowledging all the nasty stuff I lived through so it is not negated (which most have seemed to want me to - just negate it - in the past but then it remains trapped) and that the associated feelings were/are appropriate but don't have to hang around, and seeing the good in the parents and all the good things that happened......sigh, it is so hard to come up with those, why? Am I that negative?!? (Er, don't answer that one!)
I guess it's just that if I really see the good, and the mess focussing on all the negative has caused, the pain of regret will be just too great...... It could well have been that from the parent's end too as in the main 'bone' I had to pick with them was that they focussed endlessly on my failings and rarely my good parts/acheivements... When my mum was ill and I knew what was going on, and my dad woke up to the fact that has been my work for 26 years (!), he was amazed at my 'brilliance' (I'm not going that far!) and told everybody how 'marvellous' I was and it was an incredible (new) feeling to me! (ok!! Yes, I will focus on that too!) Just what took him so long?!? But better late than never!
So, onwards - a day of packing and last minute things (flowers and confirming the prayers/readings) and we leave Wed morning for the funeral on Thursday....
Thanks again - BIG!
Love FMS xx
c: :heart:
Comment