Have to go AF that's it!!!

[twinsmommy]

I saw my post ugh!! Sorry. I deleted it. It says I posted at 8:45 I hope that is not east coast time. I thought I was already asleep then. If not I forget more than I thought! I feel horrible I don't know if I read to my kids last night. I woke up @11:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I did for a bit b/c I woke up again ad dh was wide awake. I got mad b/c I thought he was drinking to try to sleep. Pretty hypocritical huh?? When I couldn't sleep by 4am I took an excedrin pm and promptly had a panic attack b/c I thought my nervous system was going to shut down and I would die. He worked late yesterday and couldn't sleep last night. Plus he has been really nice to me. So of course I think he is having an affair! Even though to his very core he is against it b/c that is what his father did and all he remembers is the pain.
I hate feeling the way I do after I drink. I hate it that I am a crappy mom. ANd sitting here shaking I just want the feeling to go away and thatmeans a drink. I hate this, have to stick it out and be AF for a while.
Sorry for rambling:upset:

[poohbear]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

I just want to say that I understand the pain that you are in because I am in the same kind of pain. I am hating myself so much right now. Maybe we can try a few days together?

[twinsmommy]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Thanks pooh that would be great. I'll let you know if I make it through today. Not lookin good but I will try.

[Preciouspinot]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

You're not rambling. I've been where you are now....feeling crappy...not remembering the end of the evening and the feeling shakey, anxious and slightly paranoid. Drink plenty of water today as well as juice. If you have the All In One that will help tremendously as well.

Stop feeling guilty and bad. You've already done that. Now do something about it...you have...you have made a commitment to be AF. Now be strong and confident in your commitment. You can do this! Feel better!

[AMELIA]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Hey you two - wishing you luck with the AFness today.
BTW Twinsmommy, I didn't think your post that you deleted was embarrassing...got lots of responses!
I thought it was a pretty straight up question.
Good luck again both you
x

[bestlifeldms]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

:huggy I'm sending you a big hug! We mother's of twins have to stick together. Hang in there and take especially good care of yourself! Lots of water, do you have anything to take the edge off? XANAX or something. That can help to get through the first few days.

As far a hub goes, don't think the worst! I'm sure he sees you are having a tough time. Sometimes our booze drenched brains don't see things quite right.

Give your kids some extra love, and read a few extra books. They may not really want to, but it will make you feel better.

:h Sending love and support your way.

Best

[indiamike57]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Hi, TM

We've all done crazy things when AL was in charge. No worries. Now on for looking for fun times with the kids AF. You can do it and you've started today.

Hugs, Erin :h

[optionsgirl]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Hi I am new here.....
2nd day here, and Af day 2...I know how you feel...that was me the last 2 days. beating myself up. I finally made my decision to stop, I do not have and alcohol in the house...it would be too hard. I have been up all night, couldn't sleep, very emotional, too much on my mind.....I would not have been able to resist wine at 3am if I had it here. I am determined not to buy it...it forces me to be Af, and feel all my feelings...scarey. I have been holding my emotions in all my life.....very unsettling feelings for me ....... I was on the chat line all night/early am....I think I signed off at 4:30 am..tons of support and help for me.....thanks to all.
I am proud on myself, for finally being honest with myself and putting this insane behavior behind me. Finding this wonderful site has been a godsend. I am still not sure how it all works yet....but really really appreciate all the kind words, support and inspiring stories.
Thank you all
TM I will be your AF buddy....lets do it together
Gail

[Niblet]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

We're here for you and wish you and Pooh lots of luck on starting some AF days
BTW, I wish I could have read the post you deleted... awwww ! I did respond to a thread about wanting "it" etc... That was alot of fun for us all Is that what you are referring to Amelia?

[poohbear]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

TM how are you doing? I started my topo today - end of day 1 for me and fully intending on day 2 tomorrow - hope you are doing ok, pls let me know

[twinsmommy]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Hi all thanks for all the support. Yes it wa the one about needing it when you drink. LOL I don't feel bad now that I know everyone had fun. I was drinking when I posted it so was embarrased the next day b/c I didn't realize this was the site I put it in. LOL I thought I posted it in a moms group OOOPS! Poohbear I did not make it yesterday. Didn't do well at all actually, but today I took a Topa and intend on going AF. Like an idiot I threw out my Topa along with a bunch of other meds, intending to show my husband I was cleaning up. Drinking and the other meds just compounded the problem. Don't know why I got rid of the Topa though. Not thinking I guess. It costs $70 to get it again b/c my insurance doesn't cover it. Since I don't tolerate it well I have a couple left in the pill box hopefully that will get me through a couple days. So ok I missed yesterday but am on track today. Thanks alll!!!

[poohbear]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Glad you are back on track - you will feel better for it. I am at the tail end of day 2 and running the gamut of emotions but just knowing that I will wake up hang over free tomorrow and will actually be able to function at work tomorrow makes it all worth it. Are you going to get more Topa? I was able to get a script from my doc on the pretense of migraines with just a copay - I lucked out. Oh and was given some samples of rozarem from my doc to help me sleep will try that tonight. Check back in and let me know how your doing

pbear

[twinsmommy]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Sorry Poohbear

:upset: I made it through the first day but it was hard even with the Topa. I don't remember why it was so much easier last time. Anyway I was popping supps like candy! And anxious, tense and moody all day. yesterday same thing. I broke down. I just wanted that crwling out of my skin feeling to go awyay, and to stop snapping at my poor kids. :upset: I woke up in the middle of the night and could not go back to sleep, felt like I was going to die this morning, and if it were a school day I could not drag those 2 out of bed but Sat. when mommy isn't feeling well and hasn't sept...they pop up at 7am! I just got sick, which I am glad b/c my head finally stopped pounding and now my stomach feels better, so I am a little better. I hate this sooooo much and I feel so bad for my kids. The Topa did not work at the low dosage and it just gave me headaches and made me cranky, and lowered my blood pressure way to much. I don't know what to do but I have to stop this. Someone here suggested acupunture and i have read some on it. I found someone near by but it is expensive, I was going to wait until I get a new job but I can't. Going to call Mon. Well gotta go tend to the messy house I left last night so I can take the kids for an Easter egg hunt and go for the @hour drive to the in-laws! Woohoooo!

[Shikakai]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Hi Pooh... good luck on going AF! :l

Good luck to you, Twin... it's hard to make such a HARD decision, but in the end I'm reading more from our "brothers and sisters" that AF is the only way to go.

I have to put my foot down too. Good luck, sweetheart :l

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

Have to go AF that's it!!!

Twins Mom-
Water with Lemon, lime, or oranges- or look up my cranberry "magic potion" thats supposed to clean the toxins out of your liver (100% cranberry juice, infused with water, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, lemon juice, orange juice... nutrasweet to taste.... sparkling water for happy hour bubbles).

For the last 10 years- from when my daughter was 7 to 17.... I was a marginal mother. I was sometimes there, but not really..... put it this way, I was there if alcohol was there, too. One of the harsh, but true statements she made when she was about 15 was....
YOU ARE ALWAYS DRINKING! You care about drinking more than me!
Of course, I got pissed, denied it, and mad at her- INDIGNANT that she could EVEN think that way.... HOW DARE SHE?

She was right. When I quit drinking, she noticed that I stopped, but didn't dare say anything because she didn't know what to say.....
Hey mom, why aren't you blotto every night? But after about 5 weeks, she found me crying in my bathroom, and like any child, wanted to comfort me. She gave me a tight hug and I bawled like a baby.... I told her that I was afraid that I couldn't do "this" anymore (be sober), and she just rubbed my back and shushed me, telling me that I would be just fine. :l

Role reversal. She, at 17, was comforting Mother. I've not apologized for my 10 years of not being there.... in words, but by being sober, I hope that I'm showing her that there is another side of me.

It's all about unconditional love, JoAnn. Your kids will love you no matter what. They will forgive you time after time. The problem for me was when my lightbulb came on, and I had to admit to myself that my performance as a MOM was simply going through the motions.... well, two of my babies were already grown up.

Okay, I've forgiven myself. The self-recriminating guilt is probably the worst. But by being here today- happy, sober, and with my head clear, I can be the mom I want to be. That they deserve...not just her, but my 10 year old, my 12 year old, and my 20 year old, too....

One day at a time girl. That's all you need to do.
Flush your system with fluids. Supplement away. Take your unopened bottles up to in-laws as an Easter dinner gift. Get that crap out of your house, please. It's what's causing the "messy house", isn't it?

Because one day, the painful day will come for you.... where, like me, you're looking in the mirror and wondering why you allowed alcohol to dominate your life, when there were two precious children that simply wanted you. If I had magic sparkle dust, I'd sprinkle it all over you, so your day would be NOW, and not when your babies are 17.

Love, :heart:
Patty