Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

[gelgit]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

:thanks: for all these great postings. Wonderworld, you are becoming my guru Don't worry, we won't start a cult, it's the words of wisdom that are so vital.
Anyone else here want to start a How to Survive (even thrive) in a difficult husband/marriage?? I read little bits and pieces here and there from others having the same problems. My husband and I have grown totally apart. I used to think it might just have been because of the mutual drinking, but I'm beginning to see that was just a symptom. I'd love a divorce. But, I don't want to leave my house (I built it on land that he already owned) I don't want to leave all that I have surrounded myself...garden etc. It's a real "Zen" challenge for me to stay calm, living with a person that aggrevates the sh*t out of me, staying AF with 120 bottles of wine in my kitchen (always one open) and knowing that I am deluding myself thinking that I can deal with it all. Ramble, ramble ramble.
Here comes the Sun! Hugs g.

[Peanut]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Hi Gelgit,

My heart goes out to you. I separated from my husband just over 6 years ago - my choice. It is a really hard decision to make, especially given the physical surroundings (material possission, income, etc), plus at the time, I had a 10, 12 and 14yo. Not easy, but the way we were, it was the only choice for me. Not that my ex was a bad person - in fact we still talk a fair amount and get along fine. In my point of view, we had to, given that we do share 3 children!! I think that was the point when I really started drinking daily - just to avoid going to bed at the same time as him! Isn't that terrible?!?!? But now - that excuse is gone - cannot use it any more, so time to change!

I have noticed a number of MWO members having marital problems, and of course my immediate reaction is ..... leave. But that is not the answer neccessarily. There is so much goes along with leaving and staying. It is not just the relationship but the family and household and income and interdependencies and ...... oh, the list goes on. Have faith that the answer will come to you one day. That's all I can say. Not good on the marital advise thing, but I'm thinking and feeling for you all who are in that rocky boat!

xoxoxoxo Peanut

[livingfree]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Oh so much catching up I had to do! Amazing posts here.

It made me go back to my journal and reflect where I was in the first 30 days compared to now (126 days AF). Wow - what a roller coaster of days! How much better life is today vs "then". I wanted to post a longer post - but lost it - so all I can say in the time I now have is -- You will gain so much by coming here to form a little family. It is amazing when you share this journey with others in the same boat. You will find yourself driving down the road thinking about your friends HERE!! It's crazy - but an important part of the journey.

Day 29 in my journal I wrote words such as ... UGGGGG, SHIT, F*CK, DAMN, WTF, toxic, Ugly, very very ugly. I also worte ... "If anyone ever reads my journal - they would believe I am "disturbed"!! But shame on them for peering into my heart while I am so committed to pouring my weaknesses out on paper - to journal my journey to be well - Physically, mentally, emotionally, & Spiritually, Nuf said!" I also wrote "I am hoping to re-read this journey at each yearly anniversary - to never think I can mod with smoking or drink again. I have a long way to go".

Just last Thursday (May 1) my journal was filled with these words .... "calm, carefree, quiet, still .... "

But to keep it real here - I am JUST NOW starting to embrace the health I am beginning to feel. This hasn't been easy for me. It has been the hardest 4 months of my life (and I have survived some devastating blows in my life - some that should feel MUCH bigger than this).

I lost the last post to you all - and my computer is acting weird so I'm just going to end this with --- do it for yourself .... don't deal with the "relationship" in your life just yet. Deal with this first. You might find your relationship is easier to deal with LATER. You will just start "dealing" with that - as the bigger crisis will take center stage. This one needs to be the the first change. Love to you all

Liv

[lausibel]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

hiya!!

I really think that this is a fantastic site! This is my 4 day AF. For me it is keeping it up, when i am away from it i am fine, recently did a detox in thailand and was fine for 2 week, was back 3 days in london and it started again...... this ihas been my life for over 10 years!! this disease is so confusing, i binge to black out 3 times a week or maybe 4, have a day hating myself and promise myself not to do it again and then next day feel good and start again, so wierd!! But now i have this site, so instead of being lonely and in my own head and not talking about it i can email all you lovely people who know exactly what i am going through and by doing that i can keep off it, i hope!! I am sick of doing this to myself and not moving on, alot of my friends are getting married now and i think that has hit home. I had a lovely boyfriend for 2 years, i couldn't see a future with him, but how can i love someone else when i am so ashamed of myself.

Anyway, onwards an upwards!!

thankyou to everyone!!

Lxxx

[1morechance]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Hello:hallo:
didn't get a chance to check in during the weekend -- lots of house work. It was wonderful to get up Saturday morning without a hangover. I was able to start reading "You Can Heal Your Life" and it was great! I love to read in the mornings but because I was usually hungover, I would just stay in bed and feel sorry for myself. This threat has been very inspirational to me. When Saturday night came around, I was feeling very tempted, but I kept repeating the affirmation I learned from you can heal your life and it Worked! didn't have AL, watched a movie and went to bed.

One thing that kept me going this weekend was one of Louise Hay's philosophy: "It is only a thought, and a thoughts can be changed" This tells me that it's like riding a wave, you have to ride it until it passes, then it's gone. I do believe these positive affirmations can get me through the waves (triggers) when they come.

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the day or evening

[Jaded]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

WW..You are awesome for starting this thread what a great idea.

About me....I found the book first read it and then found the website. i joined in Jan. I think it was Jan..I know it was around the first of the year..what ever it say's up there at the top...y'll know..on the top right....LOL

Anyway..I have been a heavy drinker for years knew I needed help but couldn't afford rehab so I seached for books to read...I would go to work with a hangover and feeling soooo guilty first thing i would do is get on the computer and search for some kind of help and found the book on MWO. At first I tried to moderate and ended up getting my 2nd DUI on the 5th of March this year so that woke me up enough that I stayed AF for 35 day's on Kudzu and I don't know what happened I do not know why I started back but it's been over a week or more and I can't seam to get back the will power but today is day 2 so I'm going to do ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I can't commit to 30 day's because my family has a canoe trip planned for the memorial day holiday at the end to this month and my family drinks...almost everyone I know drinks. My bofriend drinks but not like I do..he can drink one or two and he's done. He does not want me to stop drinking..I don't understand that.

Like everyone else I can't wrap my brain around giving up AL for good like
thankful said, My poor brain is going through a breakup.
I have so many triggers....
Warm sunny day's...
cold rainy day's...
cooking on the gril...(BIG ONE)
cooking supper in the kitchen....
Working in the yard...................the list goes on and on.

The CD's aren't working yet....I keep trying but I go to sleep listening to them...everytime.
I have tried listening to them at night...in the morning after I wake up no matter what I can not keep from going to sleep ..does anyone have any suggestions about this???

As some of you know...I don't have a computer at home so I'm only able to post while at work so I wont be able to chat...:upset:
Maybe I will be able to afford to buy one soon hopefully but I don't know.

Thanks for listening to my story...will check back tomorrow.
Jaded

[Ollie]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Jaded-Cooking is also a big trigger for me. I decided unless I get something in the Crock Pot before noon, dinner will be take out or sandwiches! I really feel odd standing at the stove without a glass of wine.

Ollie

[ntcentral]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Kathie H and Living Free, thanks for sharing your experiences, they are beacons in the dark. And WonderWorld, thanks so much for the advice and encouragement. I'll order the books and the supplements. Last night I took the proverbial long hot bath and it really did help. This morning, my head is clear and I'm once again enjoying the cup of coffee just for the sake of easing into the morning. As noted in a post above, wine is a tough one to kick. I remember I read "On the Road" in high school by Jack Kerouack (right spelling?) and one line stuck in my brain even back then, "The winoes are the ones who never seem able to lick the stuff", or something like that. At the time, I didn't know how true that line would ring in my life to come. I think the fruit of the vine becomes part of your blood composition, or at least it feels that way. Maybe I'll try a little grape juice today, although that may be the equivalent of buying a Honda Civic when your heart is set on a Rolls Royce (is that a dumb analogy or what???). Good day to all, NTC
p.s.Jaded, cooking with a glass of wine in hand was as natural as holding a spatula. We've been eating take-out a lot these past three weeks so I don't have to be in the kitchen during witching hour. Last night, it was Subway sandwiches.

[wonderworld]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Good Morning Friends -

Okay when it rains it pours, right? Computer has been overheating and crashing, or losing the wireless signal and crashing, about every 5 minutes since yesterday (I knew I needed a new one, but have been waiting til I had time to really 'go there' - no such luck).

Will do my best to read and catch up this morning. And I'm thinking about how to get the new one with minimal fuss today (I need it DESPERATELY for my work too).

Back in a bit.....

Hope everyone's feeling okay :l

Love WW xox

[wonderworld]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Kate - I love it when you just "lay it out there" and talk about how it happened for you (and how YOU made it happen) . Same for Thankful, MM and others who have (with lots of love and support here) "laid down the law" when it comes to AL. Your clarity is incredible. Your resilience is incredible. And the thing that always strikes me, is how short a time ago all that actually was. About 4 months ago. How can this be? For you, me or anybody? It boggles my mind. The degree of personal transformation which results from throwing AL out is astounding.

And......... to anyone who doubts MY, um, 'enthusiasm' for absolute total AF, this is why. I wish that every person on MWO could just see and know what that feels like. And also why the MWO guideline for 30 consecutive days AF, even if you plan to moderate, is absolutely essential. You need to know yourself without AL - how else can you make the best, most informed decision ?

Having said all that, I know that that's just pie in the sky if you're in the early AF days and feeling like total crap and wondering what's the point. You have to kind of trick yourself I think. You have to kind of dodge the beast at first - which means going to any lengths to keep you physically separated from a drink - inlcuding just plain distracting yourself when the drinking thoughts come. It WILL get easier. I think it was Ollie who said that this is 'exhausting' - and you're right, especially if your body is going through more accute withdrawal symptoms (including anxiety, insmomnia, irritability). It can feel like your last nerve is getting chewed 24/7. And you can have an unexpectedly bad day here and there, even after a while - it's not always a straight line up to 'feeling good'. "Play through the pain" is one of my favorite mottos - every time you do, the Beast cowers a little more and knows you're NOT messing around.

It is also okay NOT to feel like total crap. Each of our lives, drinking histories, personal situations are different. And there's an "X" factor that may or may not have to do with the person's level of desire/desperation/whatever that I sure can't figure out. I don't think you can predict the the trajectory of any one person's healing process. And on MWO, or in any other alcohol dependence program, the numbers are not good. When it comes to sustained periods of sobriety, the Beast has won far more battles than he has lost. That's just how it is. Some people will have a (seemingly ?) easier time or "get there" more quickly, while it seems others just can't get to the point where they say "uncle", no matter how bad things get. I will never have THE answer to explain all this.

And you wonder why I care so much that anyone gets 30 days ? :H:H:H I have been watching this beast and his damage for so long - including in my family of origin. I have no apology for how how I feel about his ways with the likes of us. He's an asshole (sorry).


AND...... yes talk to each other!!! Talking about common problems/issues is key! There's so much 'advice' here (who me? ) - I hope we're not losing the sense that this thread is also for just 'hanging out' and talking about what's happening in our REAL lives :H. There are things you guys know about that I don't. For instance, I don't have kids. And right now, I live (blissfully) alone. But my family of origin is a Zoo, and there are 2 particularly difficult people (my almost 80 year old mother and currently emotionally wrecked older sister) who I have MUCH MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAN I WOULD LIKE (Universe do you hear me? Can you get these loons off my back? oh - "no time soon" ? Thanks! :thanks.


Computer made it so far........ woo hoo!!

WW xox

[Ollie]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Good Morning all-
Made it through one more night AF. Tonight may be tough as I was up with my son all night (and I mean all night). When I'm so tired like this I tend to really want a glass of wine to get through the evening.

Best-
Ollie

[bestlifeldms]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Good morning!

Taking a minute from work to say "Hello". Beautiful spring here. Enjoying the newness of it as I haven't felt this good in several years. Today is 29 AF days for me. Tomorrow is the big 30! Grateful to be here, rather than where I was before.

Love and support,

Best

[KateH1]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Wonder, as usual, you really hit the the "core" of many of the issues involving this addiction. I think that we can all agree that AL is a Powerful Nemesis! But, one worth fighting with everything we have to give! Nope, the statistics for beating this beast are not encouraging, but many people here have shared their hopeful journeys with us. When it comes to those that this has been "Easy" for, I don't think that I can honestly say that I know anyone for whom this has been either quick or painless for. I have a history of 30 years of drinking, the past fifteen years, got progressively worse and more destructive. I tried AA, group therapy, reading books, white knuckling it, over and over again. So far, MWO is working for me, I can't believe that I have not had a drink in four months! I can't believe that I really do not want alcohol in my life. I have no desire to dance with the beast by trying to mod. I no longer fool myself with thinking that for me, such flirting with AL would mean disaster for me.

A big Kudos to all here that have any days of sobriety! We have some at day one and some at nearly 30!! I am so happy for all of you for each day that you live more clear and free! No matter how many days we have behind us, it is always Today that really counts! So, as for today, I will remain sober and give life and myself a chance!

XX Kate

[cowgal]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

thanks

Kate that was a good message, I know for me it has NEVER been easy, but w/ MWO and AA put together, it is more bearable.................you all seem more open minded if I slip, don't really tell everyone at AA if I do...............BUT they do have some tools I choose to use................I love everyone at MWO in a better way, you guys can talk and I can talk to you an much more open and more comfortable ways here than EVER in an AA meeting!! They ONLY want to hear about al problems, here it is all of us helping eachother w/ al AND life problems both.........:h

Don't know if that makes sense, but day 2 for me, and going for 30 and then some.............great job everyone!!!:goodjob:

love you guys!!!!:l:h

MA

[1morechance]

Days 1-30: Hello Sober Living

Thanks for all the informative posts. Your insight helps me understand my current situation. I'm on my 5th day and I'm starting to see things little more clear now. I know it takes time but hearing from everyone gives me hope and encouragement. Thanks