Sobriety and Loneliness..

[UKSean]

Each day I am presented with new and old challenges,obstacles to overcome. Most I am able to recognize, address and move on. However there is one that seems to return more than others. That one is loneliness. Maintaining a sober lifestyle I have to avoid bars and clubs like the plague. This in turn cuts down on the opportunity to meet someone of the oppisite sex. I work Sunday through Thursday from 11:30 am to 10.00 pm leaving very little chance for social interaction. I was married for 20 + years and find not having female company is very depressing. Depression is a huge trigger for me and one that is hard to overcome at times. I miss being able to reach out and touch the hand of a loved one, to cuddle, to kiss and of course the wonderful act of lovemaking. One of the hardest times is coming home to my empty studio apartment ( I am not allowed pets ) I not only miss the receiving of a relationship but also the giving simple things like calling up to say how much "I love you" or " I was thinking of you and just wanted to call to see how you are doing" Some have suggested A.A. to meet a lady friend, but my feelings on that I guess are a bit selfish as I have my own sobriety to worry about I dont need to have to worry my partners sobriety. Church has been suggested, but going to church to meet women I dont think is what God intended. The "Net" has also been suggested but there are so many on the net who are not who they say they are and there intentions are not true.
So I would really like to hear your thoughts on this subject.
Thanks for reading my post.
Sean..

[Jewel]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

I can relate to your post very much! I, too, feel lonely and because I don't frequent bars or pubs right now, where in the world do you meet someone?

I miss all you describe. I have tried the online dating scene and all I have to say is YIKES!

Church isn't my thing.

I am finding that after years of iscolation with the drinking and now after several months of sobriety; I am still iscolated.

What about a gym or a class? Hmmmm maybe I should heed my own advice.

[ezzmae]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

I agree about the gym. I believe in the US that they open nearly all hours. I go to the gym and after a while you will find that you see the same faces exercising at the same times. Sort of like a little club in its own right with both males and females. I am not married myself so I am not sure about the single dating scene but I am sure that something started up where you meet people for coffee, a bit less formal than internet dating.

I don't know if some of your loneliness is down to the fact that you are british in the states. I would suggest meeting people like yourself for friendships, australia has lots of expat sites for british people just looking to make new friends, definitely not dating sites but perfect to broaden your friendship base .

[Bandit]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Hi Sean,
I am assuming from your post that work hasn't offered or doesn't offer any chances to meet someone?. Otherwise, it sounds like you have free time on Fridays and Saturdays?
Are there any other interests you could pursue that not only would be interesting but also offer you other opportunities to meet people? What about other friends - introducing you to friends, house dinners/parties etc.. best advice I have always been given (although hard to take when you really want to meet someone) is when you stop looking for love, it will find you - corny but somewhat true I think.
Either way, I truly hope you meet someone special soon

xx

[Prest4time]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Sean,

I think lonliness is compounded after you have been married and experienced that closeness. I was never as lonely in my life until I found myself single. Thankfully, I am happily married again for quite a long time, but I will never forget the lonliness of those "inbetween" years.

I know a few wonderful success stories from eharmony and match.com, but it is not for everyone. What do you love to do when you are not working? I know others have suggested a gym, but if going to the gym is "not" your thing, then maybe start pursuing an interest that would allow you to meet others who share your passion for something? One thing that scares me about meeting, dating, marrying someone you meet at AA is that you are meeting someone with a common weakness.

I love fitness, but hate gyms... so an alternative could be signing up for a 5k run and finding others in your area who are training together. Maybe find a website with others who share a love for a particular interest?

I am sure there is someone out there for you, but do not force something to happen.... all will fall into place at the right time and then you will know it was worth the wait!

All the best to you and in the meantime, you have a family here that is full of encouragement and support to help ease things a bit.

P4T

[Prest4time]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Oh, one more suggestion, check to see if there are "meetup"
groups in your city. My city has lots of them for everything you can imagine! Most are dining related for the purpose of meeting new people in your area and trying new restaurants. They meet once a month. But they have them for every sport, walking, running groups, coffee groups (that would be a non-drinking way to meet women). Anyway... forgot to mention that. Just google "meetup groups" Hopefully that will take you to the website I am referring to. Good luck!

[gyco]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

allbe waitin shaun to see whats up jan 1st2009

[Accountable for Me]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

I hear you loud and clear! I recently started to date this guy from work. Although he doesn't work directly with me it still feels weird now that we have nothing in common. I don't think that I would date anyone from work again. There are tons of men at work with tons to offer, but it is just way to weird. For me anyway.

I soooooooooooooooooo need to get a life outside of my head. I need to start socializing more and start meeting people again. I am sick and tired of being single.

I think I may take up a class or something. I like the suggestions that Prest brought forth. Maybe worth checking in to.

[cyclefan]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

You could volunteer, lots of worthy causes like the animal shelter for one. Animals have a way of bringing out a lot of tenderness in people.

[Seacailin]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Wow, Sean
Thank you for starting this thread. I am also single, after being married for 17 years, and then being in a 3 year relationship. In many ways, I enjoy being single, but I am very isolated, and often times lonely. I go to AA, once in a while, but I have had relationships with guys in AA and they were not successful. My life basically revolves around work and my laptop. I isolated when I drank and do not want to do so anymore. I look forward to reading everyone's suggestions. The gym is a good one. I need to quit smoking, and going to the gym would do nothing but help me in many ways.

[veritas]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

I tend to meet a lot of people with running. It is a place where one can meet common goals and it's very non threatening.
I rather enjoy my single status, so my aim is more around friendship. I do find that when I am around interesting people who don't drink, I completely forget that I have a problem.
I agree, being alone is such a danger zone.
It's also such a challenge socialising around others who drink.

[MissDoodleBug]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Thanks to all for your honesty on a sensitive subject... I have been wondering the same thing myself because I isolated myself for so many years, and now I am looking around thinking.. awwww, it would be nice to find a nice fellow to date!

I did a search and there are some alcohol free dating sites, one is Soberandsingle.com. But I see some here who said they would not want to date anyone who is recovering, hmmm. For me, I would like to date someone who does not drink because I would not want to have it in the house at all. It's hard enough that my family drinks during our family dinners and events.

I do plan to get out and meet people though! I am going to start Yoga classes again at a new center in town. That should be enough human contact to begin with, I don't want to freak myself out, lol!

That reminds me of a funny T-Shirt I saw, which said: "You read my T-Shirt. That is enough social interaction for one day." ThinkGeek :: Stuff for Smart Masses

Love,

Doodlebug

[maddiva]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Well I am a happy singleton. No wish to meet anyone. Have my kids and animals. But you know what I have been incredibly lonely and sad at times in my life. That in turn made me vulnerable and when 'we' are vulnerable we attract predators, be they male or female and then mega shit happens. Then we think 'how do we get out of this mess??' Now you sound a nice bloke. If you are looking you will never find. However, finding something you enjoy doing in life is generally something which will reward you heaps... When you send out 'happy, fulfilled, I LOVE MYSELF, vibes!!!' You may send out a message to all that you are contented and then you will be more darned attractive and you will maybe meet someone, fall in love and get a dog!!!!! Failing that you could always try telling yourself 'i love you'. HAPPY NEW YEAR....

[Guitarista]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

I agree Maddiva. I find when i'm genuinely having a real go at my life, which has always co-incided with getting off the grog, magic happens!...Opportunities come. Have a magical year......G.

[maddiva]

Sobriety and Loneliness..

Hope Guitarista this is not 'thread jacking' but a happy new year to you also.... i may learn to play the guitar this year...........