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**startingover** · February 17, 2009, 06:16 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

Hiya Maddy, firstly you are NOT stupid OK?
I am on Prozac an SSRI similar to citalopram. It has helped me no end, but it didnt while I was still drinking (they cancel each other out) I also had counselling to deal with many horrible issues in my past. When I first started having it, my depression got much worse for a while, just while I was dragging up all the stuff I had supressed for years...after a few weeks, I noticed I was calmer, I didnt think so much about anything...now I feel I have faced my demons and can lay them to rest..yes they happened, that will never change, but its not such a big feature in my life now, like the elephant in the room that we can never talk about...its there but acceptable I guess is the most honest answer.

**maddiva** · February 17, 2009, 06:31 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

thanks starting over. I relate to that. I cannot go through the counselling/psychotherapy anymore. My past is too awful for me to deal with. I just cannot do it. I just cannot. I have tried, not failed but reached that point that if I keep on I will get very ill. I lost both parents before five, one died, one locked up in looney bin. Then got very seriously sexually assaulted as a seven year old and could have died. Do I have to relive that?? I acknowledge it happened and maybe that is why I have problems, but so much more happened. I know you read about my sister and that affects me daily particularly as they are now reopening the case as some nutter is going out and making hannibal the cannibal look tame. They think he/she has killed again. Honestly, I have to be still and quiet. It has cut me deeply. My sister had worse than me and was in the room when our mother got brutally raped. Anywonder mum went mad. My dear sister was then kidnapped at 17 and held in a closet and pulled out every two hours and had a gun put at her head. Any wonder she went off the rails. Do I need to relive this?? I want nice things. I want to walk in the woods and smell the bluebells. It happened I cannot change it. I just want to get better and I cannot see how I can if I constantly have to go over the same thing again. I want candy bars and sunshine, not hell. thanks....

sorry for being so brutally honest, but I have to be. Should I just write a book??? I will keep on taking the tablets as I am sure they help but I felt kind of spaced out and just really weird. it shocked me to the core and then drinking has made it worse. I know I have to stop drinking. Everyone looks at me like I am a weirdo and they do not seem to understand that 'hey I am finding this all too much to deal with' I just want peace and not the eternal kind. I need simple things, but these professionals find it fascinating about me. Well I feel like saying 'try living it' then see how fascinating it is.

**startingover** · February 17, 2009, 06:34 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

maddy, maybe you are dealing with it fine just writing it down here? You are better than you were a couple of months ago arent you? Moving forward does take time, maybe you arent noticing the improvements. but I am...your sense of humour is back, yes you have bad days, we all do...but overall, I think you are progressing...what do you think?

**startingover** · February 17, 2009, 06:38 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

Oh yes, also AD's take quite a while to kick in...mine took about 8-12 weeks...

**maddiva** · February 17, 2009, 06:49 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

thanks starting over. I know I was getting better and then it is just like something happens, someone says 'booh' to me and I just crumble. I appear strong and whats more and I can say this I do not look like my past should make me look. I have had no choice but to be strong, it is not a conscious decision. What are my options? just to lie down and die? Absolutely not. So then I have people giving me grief because I am attractive. I do know for all my parents faults they gave us looks. I just don't fit in anywhere and that upsets me. Everyone I meet has this 'oh so simple life', me I just sit there and think 'why?' I miss my kids as they moved out yet again cos they had a mad moment and no I was not drinking. So that pushes me right back to day one. I hate drink. I really bloody hate it. I know I will get better cos it is make or break. Look I will get better and thanks for your honesty about the pills. My god they made me feel weird. Do not force me to go back to discuss problems, it cannot be done. I am unable. I feel really ill today, stressed, anxious, afraid but I know I can get better. I am one tough cookie. I think I need a year of bloody rehab lol,,,,XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

But then do they not just sit and talk about problems well, i do not want to talk about my problems, i just want to stop bloody drinking alcohol..... that is all i want, without that I am fine. Able to cope...

**maddiva** · February 17, 2009, 06:53 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

SORRY FOR GOING DEEP. REALLY I AM, BUT IF I DON'T HOW ON EARTH CAN I GET BETTER. AND SMELL THE BLUEBELLS..?

**startingover** · February 17, 2009, 06:53 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

But you CAN do that Maddy, put all your energy into stopping drinking, tell yourself that come hell or high water, whatever happens and however you feel you are NOT going to drink...as time goes on and you deal with your emotions, you will become stronger.
I felt very anxious in the early days of SSRIs, it passes...
You have a lot of issues there at the moment it seems, feeling like you dont fit in etc. For today, deal with ONE issue only and that is to stay SOBER. You can do this Maddy

**lil.michelle** · February 17, 2009, 06:58 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

hey.
I'm on citralopram. They do feel odd to start with because they control your 'brain waves'. Instead of them being overactive, it calms them down, almost the same as what drink does which is why drink gives us that 'relaxed' feeling. It takes about 6 weeks for them to get into you system but after that, i promise you, you'll feel normal and happy!

**Evie.Lou** · February 17, 2009, 07:14 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

Maddie I agree with starts, I see you moving forward and in my eyes you being able to do this honest post is a huge step forward.
I believe we create our future thru our thoughts so constantly thinking about what we don't want can't help but bring us more of what we don't want. To help reprogram your thinking process and teach you how to create a happy future joyful healthy sober life you might try by starting to listen to so of the Deliberate Creation work channeled by Abraham Hicks. There are a lot of these sessions available free for you to listen to on You-tube. Just Goggle You-tube and type in Abraham Hicks. There are many different subjects for you to choose from. I think this can help lead you to that peaceful walk in the woods where you can smell the good earth and the bluebells.

**Seacailin** · February 17, 2009, 07:26 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

My dear sweet Maddy
I am on Lexapro and it seems to help. Like Starts said, they do take time to work, and drinking negates their effects. I also wanted to share with you that I had to do "inner child" therapy for my childhood traumas, but it was not recommended until I had a year sober. It is too much for a person in early sobriety. First priority is staying away from AL.

**maddiva** · February 17, 2009, 08:01 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

had a really bad day today. horrid. is the word that springs to mind. Your replies have meant so much. Aint been eating, just been drinking. Yet I know it has to pass. Evie lou I will google who you said Abraham.... lil Michelle, thanks for that, cos boy did they make me feel 'weird'. I felt kind of spaced out and just 'weird'. It was awful. So I drank on that. Stupid I know, but if I cannot be honest to you lot, who can I be honest to? I am going to do it and I am gong to go now for a while. thanks to you all. You have helped me. thank you and thank you again. Starting over all words are taken in wisdom and held dear to heart. I just don't want to relive the past. I want it kept there. Left alone. I lived and I learned. thanks and much love to all. Still alive and kicking. I will get better. You just watch. Without you all this would never have been possible. So sod the psychotherapy. Has any of us had a worse life. We all live and learn. I just do not want to go there again..... nor do i want to drink. i love you all. sincerely i do. sounds sick, but it is true....

**A Work in Progress** · February 17, 2009, 08:04 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

Maddy, I agree with what the others here have said about antidepressants.

As to psychotherapy and counseling: some therapists are committed to a model of therapy that does involve a lot of delving into, re-hashing, and analyzing the past. However, that model is becoming less and less "popular" among well-trained professionals, because there are other ways of doing therapy that appear to be much more effective. I would suggest that you ask for a referral to a cognitive-behavioral therapist (and make sure that the person is actually fully trained in that model... some people will just say that's what they do, but they have only maybe gone to a weekend workshop)...

**aprilmoon** · February 17, 2009, 08:07 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

I just read your post. I am so sorry that your childhood was robbed from you. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

I have no info on the meds you are on. I'm on Paxil. I started taking it not for depression, but so that I wouldn't kill the men I worked with. LOL I'm retired now and my husband calls them "I really do love my husband" pills.

Only you can make a good future......This website is here to help.:l

**maddiva** · February 17, 2009, 08:08 AM

i want some advice from the experts - you!!!

Sea cailin and my breasts are bigger than that. False of course, my breasts that is, not the statement!!!! Many thanks. I take on board and thank you for understanding me. We do not need to go 'heavy' I told you all things that I do not need to relive and you understood. When the psychologist says to me (which she does) 'you are amazing, you have survived', I feel like saying 'piss off and just leave me alone'. I know now you understand. Thank god we can communicate. We are not alone. Just help me put this bloody bottle down and take the pills and get better and then we are there. It is the biggest step for me. I am so eternally grateful. Yet so sorry for saying somethings which I neither deem necessary or just, but just to let you know how I am in my recovery. Is it not small steps that will get me through?? I take on board wip post on meditatation. I am trying to do that. I want to get better and that is the first step. What happened makes me the wondrous human I am, i am honoured to have lived through it. be with me here. I need you.:h

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