Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

[Mrs Donovan]

Hungover again for the second time in 2 days......after doing so well :upset:

A friend rang on St patricks day out of the blue and asked to go out for a drink as her DH was away. She caught me off guard so I agreed. As soon as I put the phone down to her I was terrified. Racking my brain for excuses but there wasn't one I could make without upsetting her.

Ended up having 3 vodka tonics which was very controlled for me. Felt sober and didn't feel hungover the next day. Then DH had a friend coming over last night. I ended up downing a bottle of wine and 3 vodka and cokes and now feel horrible.

Have spent all morning crying. DH was really annoyed with me because I did and said some stupid things. I was forcing everyone to drink when they'd had enough. Baby was up half the night so I haven't slept. :upset:

I love my sober life so much. I actually get a high off being sober.

I failed 2 weeks ago, again because of being with friends and it took me a couple of days to feel better and I vowed then never again.......

I need to 'come out' as a non-drinker. But I'm worried people will avoid me like the plague and I'm worried that I won't see any point in socialising :wahh: There's no way I can sit in a pub drinking lemonade while everyone around me gets pissed. I'd rather be at home on my own watching the TV away from temptation.....but that's not good either

[startingover]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

Mrs D, that is such a common problem with us sober folks. Honestly I thought I would never be able to socialise again...
From my perspective, my socialising is different now. So I find sitting in a pub with others getting pissed totally boring. I still go to pubs though, but wont stay as long as before. That has taken some time to get to that point. For the first few months I rarely went out at all. Its much easier now and I actually enjoy it, more than I used to.
I guess Its a case of embracing a sober life and changing our requirements. That takes time...I also tell people I dont drink, I dont always give a reason, or I say I am on tablets, but if they dont like it, well then I will take my company elsewhere.

[DeeBee]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

I'm sorry you're hungover Mrs D. I remember the feeling oh too well.

I have a friend who does not support me going AF and unfortunately I've had to cut her out of my life for now. My sobriety is too important to jepradise (sp?).
If she is a true friend, she'll understand and support you 100%.

[Boss.man]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

For me, the biggest problem in giving up AL is that if I get that first drink I totally lose control. The more I stop, it seems the less control I have. Back when I drank every day, I had no problems having two drinks and that was it for the evening. Also had no problems sitting 3-4 hours in a bar with friends drinking one drink, and then soda after that. Now, if I have just one drink, I'm an alcohol sucking monster and it doesn't matter what, wine, beer, booze and mouthwash, I can't stop.

I'm very careful now to never take that first drink. I think I can still socialize here and there, but it has to be with water or soda, and no AL at all. I've learned that public places are not good for me to experiment with moderation levels. Maybe after a few more months, but not now.

[bestlifeldms]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

I have found that my sobriety isn't nearly as important of an issue to social acquaintances as I thought it would be. They have accepted my saying "No thanks" and when asked why not, my response "I have found that alcohol doesn't agree with me" in passing - and it has not been an issue. At times, I even get, "Wow! That is what I need to do". I am totally comfortable drinking water with lemon, or club soda with a twist of lime. When I became comfortable with my sobriety, so did others. I don't rub it in their noses. I keep it very matter of fact.

[Mrs Donovan]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

I just can't be around anybody at the moment. I don't know anyone who doesn't drink.

Think I'll just keep a set excuse in mind for now if I get asked out again, and then hopefully, eventually I will be able to see people and drink sodas......just can't picture it at the moment.

[nancy]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

You probably need to get some friends who don't drink. I don't agree with a lot of the principles of AA but it does offer a social network of nondrinkers. Ever thought of going to a meeting? There is also a group called Women For Sobriety.

I know you think you will be avoided like the plague but you will get over that. Don't you think people might avoid you more if you become obnoxiously drunk and say dumb things?That is something to be avoided, not a sober person.

Alan Carr's book EasyWay to Control Alcohol is good for helping you see sobriety in a new light and to get over some of the social stigma.

You might also experiment with non-alcoholic beers and wines so you have something to drink in social situations that looks like alcohol.

[Mrs Donovan]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

Thanks Nancy - i have horrible horrible memories of being obnoxiously drunk and saying stupid things - and you're right, there are a couple of people who pretty much avoid me because of my behaviour in front of them. So i'd rather be avoided for not drinking than for acting like an idiot.

One2many - thanks I didn't know about the toolbox.

[Chief]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

I know this sounds terrifying right now, but what if you were to say to people...."you know, I just don't like the way alcohol affects me these days, so I've decided to stop drinking...."

If you say it with no guilt or remorse and as a matter of fact, there is really nothing anyone can say. And, although they may never tell you, I'll bet you will get more than 1 of your "drinking friends" to think about their own drinking.

You can either be one of the group who is out of control when drinking or you can be the one in the group who is independent, mature, and a leader by example.

Just a thought....

Don

[AstraiaJ.]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

Mrs Donovan,

I had similar challenges recently with St Patrick's day, with invitations to various social events. Even though most of the party hosts aren't Irish, they sure like to celebrate the day anyway! I went through all kinds of terrible feelings like, why oh why can't I be one of those people who can have just one???? For me, I drink reasonably at the social event, but the one or two drinks just absolutely set off cravings inside me and then I end up feeling an absolute craze to buy more on the way home.

I can't add to the great suggestions people have made, but they all seem to point to what I have been trying to do: have some kind of strategy or plan for staying AF, and have support sticking to it if possible. I'm glad that my husband is aware of what's happening, because I tell him my strategy and then he guilts me into sticking with it if I get weak. But you're right, it's just not comfortable at first because you're changing a whole life style, at least that's what I feel I'm doing. aj.

[IAD]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

First their is a social ediqit that must be adheared too !! When lifting your Tea cup always lift your little finger in the air...... after that your on your own !! Ha! IAD

[boozehag]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

You need some tools to manage this. It is probably not realistic that you will never go out and you have to change all your friends. Rather than letting yourself be caught by surprise you should carefully plan what you are going to do and then go out. Before you go out take some l-glut, eat something, order food as soon as you get there (a big bowl of chips or something) and tell people before you go that you are not drinking that night. You could actually initiate some nights out that dont involve drinking so that you get used to socialising without AL - like movies or something and then if you see friends that way you can maybe avoid the big drinking nights. Like everything else it is just about practice. Dont be scared of it - it is actually not that hard once you get used to it and you would be surprised if you look around you when you are out and about how many people dont drink or dont drink much at all for lots of different reasons - its just we dont gravitate to those people when we are drinking.
BH

[AstraiaJ.]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

Good point Boozehag

That is a really good point that boozehag makes because when I was out on St. Patty's eve, it was interesting to notice how many people weren't drinking AL and having a great time. I suppose if I didn't have my own challenges with it, I wouldn't have even noticed who wasn't drinking AL because everyone was eating or drinking something.

[Alky]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

At one of my first social events out post-drinking, I didn't want to answer the inevitable questions about why I wasn't drinking. Especially since I was known to be a heavy drinker and the life of the party and the guy who did really stupidly entertaining things while blotto. This went against the advice of my doctor, but I bought some non-alcoholic beer, poured it into a plastic party cup and people saw me sipping on an amber, foamy substance and never questioned it. Of course I don't know if you're a beer drinker or not...

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Failed again....anyone got any tips on tee-total socialising?

There are a lot of great suggestions on here. Here are some other "white lies" you can resort to:

1. " I'm not drinking tonight. I'm the designated driver".
2. "Water (or club soda) for now".
3. "I'm on a new Detox Diet and I'm limited to water for the night".
4. "Oh, I'm training for a _____5K_______ so I'm not drinking right now".
5. " I have to leave early. I promised my _son____ that I would _help him with his homework_______".

The fear of being called out for not drinking is very real to us new non-drinkers. If you need to avoid these situations, then do it. Find new plans. Don't set yourself for failure.

With that being said... if you do find yourself where you've found yourself with a drink in hand, there are things you can do. I went to my friend's house and he poured a bottle of wine into a carafe for it to "breathe".... even after I said that I would have "water tonight". We did a toast, and I smelled the wine and complimented it... but I didn't drink. As casually as I could, I went to the appetizers and put it down... and left it there. I felt a little guilty, but at the end of the night, I felt a sheer VICTORY for not giving in to the peer pressure!

But... if you should succumb to a mixed drink... then get away from the group and tell the bartender that your drink is very strong... could he top it off with more soda, please? Yes, you may have given in and sipped on a drink, but you don't have to have the attitude of, "OH WELL! I'll start over tomorrow." Instead, you can do like Alky suggests and order a AF beer or drink. You can order club soda with a splash of cranberry and a twist of lime (looks like a vodka/cran). The only one who will know is you and the bartender.

Be kind to yourself. You are like a new toddler trying to run in a new pair of shoes. It takes time and confidence to figure it out. If you believe in yourself and stay the course, you will get to the point where you frankly don't care if others are drinking or not- this is YOUR life, your brain, your pride. You will remember what you did the following day. You won't have to make excuses for yourself, but you may reflect back and realize that you are now a better version of the same you.

:l Patty