Please help me with my spouse

[Lighthouse]

I don't know how this will be received here, but my spouse really has a drinking problem. Sort of admits it, but says a 'program' is not for them. Sometimes says they "will do better", etc, but never does, not for more than a few days anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. it is worse than ever, and since it causes them to be irritable, mean, antisocial, anti-communicable, it is tearing me apart. I should say it is tearing US apart, but I am committed to our marriage, and really want to try and make this better. We have small children, and I really want them to have both parents around, full-time.

Any ideas on how I can apprach them about doing something about it, maybe a program like this?

THANK YOU!!!!:new:

[scrubbly]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi Lighthouse and WELCOME!

Glad to have you here. Many of us here are on the other side of the issue, we are the drinkers, recovering at some phase but there you have it. Some here are the partners of us though, you will find them here too.

Lots of advice, reading, etc to find here...This is a great place for anyone who is willing to get started, so on those "days" when they are willing, I would steer your partner this way if you can. The magic of our way here is that there IS NO ONE WAY, you will find all kinds of methods going on here, and we are accepting of all of them, whatever works for someone that is helping.

As for you, are you finding what you need for you and your kiddos? Thought about al-anon?? :l and welcome again!

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

no, not really finding anything for me or my kids, yet. I feel like I am failing them by 'letting' this go on. They are too young (2 and 4) to really know that their parent is an alcoholic, so I don't know how to approach that issue. But, I am feeling more isolated all the time. I feel like I am reaching a breaking point.

I seem to be naively optimistic...or used to be, anyway. I always wanted to believe the promises. There isn't really hard liquor involved...they know they can't handle that without getting too out of control. So, I am thankful for that. But, it's almost an 18 pack of beer per night, probably at least 5 nights week...and in just a few hours usually. Am I over-reacting? That's a lot, isn't it?!

[Cinders]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse,

Welcome. Please read some of the posts and see what you think.

If he is interested, point him here and perhaps he will find some posts that he can relate to.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult for all involved. My husband has suffered tremendously with my drinking. It makes me very sad and very guilty.

Cindi

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

Thanks for the nice welcome!!:thanks:

[caysea]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi Lighthouse
You might want to look into AA they have a group called al-anon that helps family members deal with living with an alcoholic.

[Cinders]

Please help me with my spouse

Yes, that is a lot.

Health standards state no more than 2 or 3 drinks a day for a man.

No more than one for a woman.

I could drink a fifth of vodka a day, easily. Or a large bottle of wine.

Cindi

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

Cindi...help me understand why a person continues, knowing the pain it causes their loved one. Do you still continue, or are you trying to stop?

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

caysea;663768 wrote: Hi Lighthouse
You might want to look into AA they have a group called al-anon that helps family members deal with living with an alcoholic.

This is probably the wrong way to look at it, but I don't want to deal with living with an alcoholic, I want it to STOP!!! I don't want to live this way.

[byebyebridgetjones]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi Lighthouse,
You might want to check out a thread on this site called "Family Members Affected by Drinking"
I would love to provide you with succinct, thorough answers to your questions, and also to mine. As with most things in life it's ,annoyingly, not that simple.
This is a bloody selfish disease. Your spouse would be in their own personal hell, and hating themselves for what they are putting you, the family and themselves through.
Try to direct him or her here. At least there are people who trully understand. That's the beginning.
Bridget.

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

thanks Bridget.

[TimeToLoveMyLiver]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi Lighthouse.

I feel your pain. I also knew that I was a much better husband and father without alcohol. Unfortunately we tend not to make the best decisions whilst we are drinking or looking for our next drink due to the extremely addictive nature of the drug.

I hope you can find a solution. It must be very difficult and frustrating for you.

If your husband wanted to talk to another guy, I'd only be too happy to talk via pm or email.

Good Luck.

Brett.

[cacky]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse...check out the family members thread. but also you really need to change your mindset or your family will not recover from this disease. his/her drinking or not drinking has nothing to do with you or the kids. actually guilt from family members helps to continue the cycle (not that you are to blame..because his/her drinking has nothing to do with you) the suggestionn of Alanon is great because you sound like you think there is a problem. you can learn alot through Alanon and find people like you. its not a problem that the drinker wants either.

[byebyebridgetjones]

Please help me with my spouse

TimeToLoveMyLiver;663781 wrote: Hi Lighthouse.

I feel your pain. I also knew that I was a much better husband and father without alcohol. Unfortunately we tend not to make the best decisions whilst we are drinking or looking for our next drink due to the extremely addictive nature of the drug.

I hope you can find a solution. It must be very difficult and frustrating for you.

If your husband wanted to talk to another guy, I'd only be too happy to talk via pm or email.

Good Luck.

Brett.

You're gorgeous, Brett...

[42cat]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi, Lighthouse. Nice to meet you. Sorry you're going through this. As a positive, it is good that you're beginning to address the situation now, while your kids are still so young. Hopefully things will get to a better place before their parent's alcoholism affects their lives as they grow up.

Everyone is different, but, as the alcoholic in my family, I can say that I hated it, especially waking in the middle of thenight and thinking about it all. Yet I still did it. (It's a selfish disease, as someone else mentioned.) And, while it is true that a person can't quit until they truly "want" it, wanting it doesn't always make it happen, or right away, or easily. But, wanting it is definitely the beginning...

... I wanted it, struggled for a long time - emotionally and physically - and am finally finding my way. I was a secret drinker, always happy, and didn't appear an "alcoholic" - I'm alone most of the time, so no one knew more than my 1-2 drinks in the evening, and I never got drunk. Little did they know the inner turmoil, anxiety, self-loathing, loneliness, etc., that was going on in my head. A lot of that went away after giving up the drinking .. it's just getting over the transition between drinking and sobriety (which can take days, weeks, or longer) that is the tough, and sometimes scary, part.

IMHO, your first priority is your kids. Your husband needs to know (and may already know) the extent of what he's doing to you, your marriage, and your kids. In addition to his being mean when he drinks (which is a big issue for sure), there are also other things his drinking is doing to you all. For example, assuming you're not hugely loaded ($), the money he's spending every day could be put into an education fund, for example. Or you could save for a family trip or retirement or other investment (I secretly spent almost $8-9000 a year on booze).

But more than money, his drinking is making him emotionally absent. He's there physically and maybe even taking part in family times when he's not being irritable, but he's not really "there" .. and even young kids will sense that something's missing, and it feels sad. And when he's in a bad mood, kids of any age will feel sad.. really sad. My dad was a drinker and got loud and mean sometimes to my mom, and short with us kids .. it was scary to listen to and always left us feeling badly.

These are just my opinions. Every situation is different, but IMHO, he's taking all of above away from you and the kids: He's taking their dad away, he's taking your husband away, and he's taking your and their money away. He's drinking it away. And for what? There's no payoff.

And, IMHO, he needs to know his options, in no uncertain terms - (1) AA, doctor, counselling, your full support, etc....... and (2) the consequences if he continues to drink - separation, divorce, possible loss of his kids. Be strong. Love him and be helpful and supportive - but be strict. In the end, he'll appreciate it, because this is for him too.

(Sorry for being so long-winded. Just wanted to share my opinions and personal feelings.)