Nora's journey

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1459542 wrote: I?ve been reading thru some of the threads here tonight. I am so grateful that I found this place. There are so many wonderful people here. Truly caring people.

I have had a crummy day. Finally talked to my boss about some issues that have been bothering me. I was truly surprised by his take on some things. So, I feel misunderstood & hurt by some things. I?ve worked there for 35 years. Anyway, I feel like a good cry. Maybe I?ll have one. But, the thing is...worrying about it isn?t going to help or change anything.

I have been working very hard for the past couple of years to learn to let go. That is why I got the tattoo on my foot ?One Step at a Time?. To remind myself to just think about now. Stop worrying about the future. I have always been the person that holds things so deep inside. I worry about them. I feel insecure. I replay conversations over & over. I second guess myself. But, that is not the way I want to be anymore. So, I have been collecting quotes, etc to help me.
..............
So, here are some of my quotes to help me get thru today:

●Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength?..Mary Engelbreit

●You can?t live a positive life with a negative mind.

●I?ll be ok, just not today.

●Ask yourself this question: ?Will this matter a year from now?....Richard Carlson

●At the end of the day, you can focus on what?s tearing you apart, or what?s holding you together.

............

So, my pity party is over. I am not drinking (antabuse saved me). I am going to enjoy my weekend. And I am going to be happy.

Nora I just love almost knowing u. :l

Maybe when I get up the nerve to do Disneyland with three children, I will stop by...

I think u are wonderful and doing wonderful :goodjob:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Kradle - thank you!!! :l:l That helped. I love almost knowing you too. And, I would definitely be your Disneyland buddy with your kids. I LOVE Disneyland. It makes me happy.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

I just read a post by Decided. This hit the nail on the head for me.

After reading this I realise that my idea of "moderate drinking" wouldn't have been that at all...it would have been pre planned binges...that's messed up. Thanks for this.

Yep - that's messed up alright. And, that is exactly the 'moderation' that I have been planning in my head.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

I just read another great post by Patrice. I want to remember this one too because it describes me.

Hi Red,

Please take a look at the date I joined this site..Yes! That long ago...

Since then, I have been trying to quit drinking, many times I have failed but I have also had many times when I succeeded for a period of time..( never months and months though)
During this time I have also tried so hard to keep drinking
I've tried:

Bingeing = whenever I wanted and however much I wanted, morning beer, afternoon wine, evening vodka
Controlled Bingeing= where I got hammered just at weekends
Occasional Bingeing = Parties, funerals and weddings
Moderation = strictly within recommended guidelines ( my most recent test)

All of the above has been interspersed with periods of not drinking. I've kept a diary of how I have felt during these times and reading back is heartbreaking, I've wasted a lot of time trying to keep drinking and keep a life going too. In the end I couldn't do both, I had to make a choice. Life won.

You can do it, we can all do it before it does us.
Don't waste as much time as I did trying to disprove the theory that alcohol abuse is progressive and becomes more and more ghastly.

Powder that nose ( even if you are a man!) and start again

Warm wishes
Patrice

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

2-22-13

Need to talk...........

Sitting in an airport in San Francisco. Can't get a flight out until 8:00 am.

My Dad is in the hospital. He has had a heart attack.....more than one actually. It really doesn't look good. We thought we lost him about 13 years ago and again 10 years ago and it was a miracle but he survived and rallied. I hate to say it but this time it's really not looking good. He is 85 years old and has empysema and scarred lungs. The Doctors are worried about doing any procedures on him because of his health. They are trying to treat him with medication instead of doing the angioplasy???. Don't know how to spell it.

My brother is up there and taking care of everything. My Mom is hanging in there. I just don't know what will happen if she loses him. Almost 64 years of marriage.

I thank God for giving me my wonderful parents. I have been so lucky. I have seen & heard about others parents and I realize how blessed I am. They have always given their love unconditionally. I was raised in a home filled with love and that love continues to this day.

My Aunt was admitted to a assisted living facility yesterday. My Aunt & Uncle live next door to my parents. She has been battling cancer and it is not good. She has fallen several times and can't get up. She & my Uncle were driving last week and she couldn't get her foot up to put it on the brake and hit a school bus. Luckily no one was injured badly. None of the kids were hurt. But my Aunt was in the hospital for a couple of days. My Uncle had a few bumps. But, no one else was injured. My Cousin flew up there last weekend and started arranging for home health. But, my Aunt had another episode where she couldn't get up off the floor and had to call the paramedics. So, she was transferred to this facility for occupational therapy to try to regain some strength.

This has been a very hard week. I grew up next to my Aunt & Uncle. Knowing that her time is limited was a hard realization. And now my Dad. My heart hurts.

I just needed to ramble. This hurts.............

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...I am here, I am here, I am here
just texted you

[Juja]

Nora's journey

I am so sorry for this pain and trauma. I know you're frightened. We're here.
I love you, Nora.:h

[RingingCedars]

Nora's journey

Nora:l Wishing you peace.:h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

3-3-13

I need to just talk......try to get some of these thoughts & feelings out.....

My Dad passed away on Tuesday morning 8:10 am (2-26-13). My Mom, brother and I were with him. We were touching him/holding his hands. Helping him on his journey.

He had the first heart attack on Friday. I know he had another one over the weekend but I think it was more than one. He had been on oxygen for years with emphysema and COPD. His breathing had gotten worse over the past year but the last couple months had been really bad. Over the weekend he was awake. He knew we all were there. I spent the night with him Sunday night. He had a really bad episode during the night. He was in pain (another heart attack?), he couldn't breathe and tried to get up. We couldn't get his oxygen on. It was awful. They finally had to hold his arms down & get his mask on. They gave him a lot of morphine/ativan and he finally went to sleep. On Monday, he was alert. We had a good day. We even thought that he might be well enough to go home in a few days. I wanted to spend the night on Monday night but he insisted that we all go home. I got a call from the nurse during that night that he was asking for us. We rushed over to the hospital. He wasn't doing well. Then he had another episode like the night before where he couldn't breathe and was struggling to get up. i just hated that my Mom had to see that. After he had settled in, Mom & Dave went on home. I stayed with Dad. I dozed off & on in my chair and when I woke up, I could tell that the end was near. I was sitting by his side getting ready to call them when my Mom & brother walked in. He wasn’t awake but we sat with him touching him, telling him we loved him. The Doctor came in at one point. Told me that he was going but that the blood pressure med and the oxygen were keeping him going. I told him to stop the blood pressure med but to leave the mask on. That would have been just too much for my Mom. She was confused and kept thinking that we had disconnected him from something. I finally was able to show her that the oxygen was still on and that all the IV’s were still attached. That made her feel better. In an couple of hours, Dad finally slipped away.

I feel like I’m in a fog. I’ve been taking care of Mom. My brother has been running around taking care of everything that has to be done. He is going to move in here to live with my Mom. A nurse had told me that Mom’s Alzheimer’s might get a little worse because of all this trauma. So, we are sticking close to her. The first couple of days, she had to keep asking how he died. If it was a heart attack. She remembers that now. But, she keeps asking if I’m taking care of the thank you notes, etc. Asking who we have called. Last night she was worried about the finances. We just need to be patient. She just can’t remember .

My Aunt is still in assisted living. We’ve been taking my Uncle back & forth a couple times a day to see her. She had been looking really bad. I even called my cousin a couple days ago to tell her that I was worried about her Mom. We ended up having a care conference call with the director, nursing supervisor, my aunt, myself and my cousin on the phone. Making sure where she is with the physical therapy. Making sure that my Aunt is getting what she needs. That she is getting up in the wheelchair daily instead of laying in bed. That she asks for the pain meds when she needs them. I will keep an eye out until I go home.

On the night that my Dad passed, my brother was out front. There is a light out there that hasn’t been working. Dad has been telling him that he was going to return it because it had a lifetime warranty. That night, the light came on & worked for an hour or so. My Dad was saying goodbye. Then last night, I was sitting here with Mom. All quiet in here. No TV or anything. I started hearing bells in a distance. I thought that they were Church bells ringing. I’ve never heard any before but thought that was what it was. But, it kept going on & on for about 20 minutes. Every minute or two, the bells would ring about 5 tones. Mom couldn’t hear anything but I walked to the door. No, it wasn’t outside. I walked around the house and checked everything. No, it wasn’t anything from in here. I think it was my Dad telling me everything was ok.

I am grateful that I have been able to be here completely. No alcohol to mess things up. I hadn’t had a drink for over 2 months. I was able to be here and take care of my Mom. That is important. I haven’t tried to numb myself. I have dealt with things…..really dealt with them.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and love and support that you have given me. It means more than you can possibly know.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

My lovely Nora:l What can I say except be gentle with yourself. You were there for your Dad, and now you are there for your Mum - you can do no more, you are a kind loving soul who is feeling in one way tortured because of events, and in another way - clued in enough to know that in some way all those things ARE messages - I believe in that - I know not very long ago I 'dreamt' my Mum touched me on the shoulder and smiled at me - I know I didn't 'dream' it - I know it happened - and that was her telling me she was happy and she loved me. That's what you were experiencing - you should remember that - and as I say, be gentle with yourself - all my thoughts are with you and yours:l
Molly

[techie]

Nora's journey

Nora,

Having been through a very similar scenario with my dad I can understand just how difficult it was. Just remember all the wonderful things about your dad. I do that although I was not all that present. I regret that. You found the inner strength to deal with the events leading up to his passing in a sober supportive manner. That was a huge help to your mom. I have no doubt that you will be able to deal with whatever life throws at you going forward. You see Nora, you do have what it takes to be the person you want to be. You just faced one of the most difficult hurdles in life, the passing of a beloved parent. God bless you friend :l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora
I am so proud of how you have handled this. You are blessed to be so close to your parents. Many of us aren't. And your father know you were there. He is letting you know he is at peace and no longer suffering.
Take care of your Mom, but take care of you, too, ok?
I have been worried you would try to numb yourself, but I knew you would not do it at your parent's house.
I am a phone call away sweetie....

[Juja]

Nora's journey

How sad, but lovely, Nora. Does that sound callous? I hope not, because to me it seems the end happened as it should, with love, comfort, caring, and strength.

Also, I do believe you can make it through anything AF.:l

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

I am so proud and inspired by you my sweet Nora. I was not there for my parents when they left us- physically and emotionally.

You have all of us here. Anything you need.

Lots of love and hugs to you your mom and Dave.
:soothe::hug::huggy

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-18-13

Well - I'm back here to ramble a little bit. Sorry to clog up the space here but it helps me to be able to read back thru my journey.

I completely fell apart in the past couple of months. No excuse but I did. I'm stll on very shaky ground but I'm trying to crawl back out of the hole. It has been hard. I am seeing my therapist weekly. Gone to my psychiatrist and adjusted meds. Forcing myself to do things to get up & out. I just need to keep pushing.

In a 2 month period, I lost my Dad, my Uncle and my Aunt. That was my Dad and his brother & sister. That was all of them - the three of them. It hurts. I miss my Dad so very much. I have been blessed to have such wonderful parents and to come from such a very loving family. Getting together with so many of my cousins and their kids for my Aunt's memorial just reinforced the love in our family.

I miss coming home from work and opening the mailbox. That was always the hightlight of my day......checking to see if I had a letter in there from my Dad. He wrote to me every week. He was the letter writer in the family. There are so many things that I miss that I won't be sharing with him anymore. I would fly up to Oregon and spend a wonderful week or two with my Mom & Dad. Just being together. Dad & I would play dominoes 2 or 3 times a day. When he woul lose, he would act like a little kid....'Don't ask me to play this game again!'. Ha, ha. He would always set up the fireplace so that it was ready for me to light every evening. They never had a fire unless I was up there.

My Mom has Alzheimer's and my brother has moved in to take care of her. She doesn't have any short term memory anymore. But, she likes to do her crosswords from the paper everyday. And she loves her Kindle. I can order the books from here and they download onto her Kiindle up there. She is down to about 98 pounds now. I don't think she'll be with us for much longer.

When I went up for my Aunt's memorial, my brother was just so angry that whole weekend. Mad at me over a silly thing. Then got mad at his daughter. She finally talked to him....yelled at him for about an hour and they both cried. But, it boils down to that he doesn't think he's doing a good enough job taking care of Mom. I talked to him the morning I was leaving and asked him what I could do to help. I told him that he had been so angry all weekend and what could I do. He told me that he was just mad at himself and was taking it out on the wrong people. For him to say that was amazing. I told him that our Mom is not going to be with us long. He can choose to enjoy every moment with her and love her and have good memories even though she doesn't remember, or he can spend the time being angry at himself. He sort of laughed and said that he wants to do both. I just told him that is not an option. Things have seemed better since then. He called me out of the blue one day to tell me that Mom had a really good day. He said that he wanted to call me with good news instead of always bad news. I call and talk to my Mom everyday. I know she doesn't remember. But, we enjoy our talk while I'm on the phone. She always asks me to go back up there.

My Uncle's memorial is on June 6. Then it will be done. We didn't have one for my Dad. My Mom just wasn't up to it.

This isn't a pity party and it was no excuse for me to start drinking. We were able to celebrate their lives. They were wonderful people and we all are blessesd. The sadness comes in those left behind. My Mom and my Uncle. My Dad and my Aunt had told each other that they had to take care of themselves so that they would be here to take care of my Mom & my Uncle.

I have been AF for 7 days now. It is a step in the right direction. I certainly am not steady on my feet and I don't have the resolve that I did earlier this year. But, it doesn't seem impossible now. I feel like I can start the fight again. One Step at a Time.