I'm an ungrateful moron

[sunshine_gg]

I'm an ungrateful moron

:l Draggy
No, I don't know what went on with you in July.. I think I was in my 'mod' mode (aka, drinking way more than I should/wanted to and avoiding MWO) - but I trust, things are better now?

Yes, I did the leaving my home country 21years ago, too Again, pretty much left everything behind, but it was OK then. I was young, had the world by the tail, and no baggage It'll be ok this time around, too. I also believe in 'everything happens for a reason'.

As for my daughter - well, the kid fell down the well, so to speak.. LOL. We will deal with that as well. My parents pretty much disowned me for many years because they did not approve of my choices (husband, moving to Canada, etc.) but I'll be damned if I let my daughter go through all of this alone. No way.

Again, thank you everyone. I'm doing better today. On very fragile ground drinking wise but at least, I'm aware of it.

[Draggy]

I'm an ungrateful moron

send you a pm to explain but there are always silverlinings sunny

ps. i was a divorced mum with three kids when i did the leaving so literally lots of baggage to bring with me:H

[brightlite]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Sunny,

I, like you had to take control and raise my two children. It is very hard to give up that control. You however have been blessed with many things and Mr. Wonderful sounds like he is one of them. I certainly wish that I could find my Mr. Wonderful. Lower your shield a little and let happiness in. You are a very fortunate woman!

[Pan]

I'm an ungrateful moron

gg - I understand. Stuff is important. It is YOU. Losing your stuff is losing part of you. You need to grieve it or keep it. I have stuff in two places. My home and my other place that I live with my husband most of the time. It's hard. Whenever I come home I relish my stuff. Keep as much of your treasured stuff as you can. Put the rest into storage so you can know what you miss. Don't get rid of stuff just because.

[rubywillow]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Awww, SunnyButt! The thing is, through clear eyes you can experience what is changing in your life and have sober input into it. As for the grandma bit, you are going to able to experience a love unlike any you've ever had - I'm a grandma to the seventh power - and I LIVE for my little moments with each one of them. My (step) granddaughter, the oldest, who I met when she was 11 months old, taught to walk, potty trained, etc., decided to move in with her boyfriend last year and has a 9 month old boy. (She had decided for a moment that as we weren't her 'blood' relatives, we couldn't give her advice!). My son had 4 girls, and now, HE is a doting, 38-yr-old grandfather of the boy he never had. Right now, you can't imagine how the little germ will change you, but talk to me about this in a year, and I'll give you a whole page to brag, OK! LOL I love your humor, your spirit, and your determination. Thank you for sharing with us, and allowing us to maybe make you feel a little better about this transition in your life.
Rubes

[wineilove]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Beautiful Home

You have a beautiful Home (and it does look like you hit your million by the looks of such a beautiful place). I did it, 1 night and no drinking at all. I also did not sleep all night. Not too much on the hallucinations this time just ants on the arm and fake misquitos (they were more than likely real though)

But it feels good even if it was only 1 night.

Wine

sunshine_gg;735912 wrote: This is more to set myself straight than anything else - feel free to subject yourself to my ranting but get at least a sandwich and your non alcoholic beverage of choice now.

So, I've finally finished up at my house - it's ready to sell. Not, the way I'd like it to show but the best I can do after the rental disaster. The whole weekend I was miserable, on the verge of tears or balling my eyes out, aggravated, barking at Mr. Wonderful, bitching about all sorts of irrelevant nonsense. Feeling very sorry for myself. Seeing all MY STUFF go out the door, never to be seen again. Really, not owning a thing anymore. Feeling horribly vulnerable. Letting go of all my little security blankets. If Mr. Wonderful were to kick me to the curb next week, I'd stand there with the clothes on my back.

What a load of crock. With the kids growing up and moving out, the house and property is way too big for me. See for yourselfStrange, how my back issues and my arm/shoulder have gotten MUCH better since I moved in with Mr. Wonderful last October. Gee, maybe 77acres was a little too much to take care of... ya think? But, I did it, didn't I? And I did it well, too. On my own. On my terms. Yes, Sir. And, in there somewhere lays the answer. Control freak. I always thought that being a control freak was NECESSARY for me. I mean, I raised and supported my kids alone from age 6 and 7, have no family on this continent, ex-asshole is the poster boy for dead beat dad - I HAD to take charge, right? Sure I did. But, I'm finding that I'm just a control freak period. Has nothing to do with external circumstances - no, that's actually who/what I am. If I don't feel that I call the shots, I'm utterly lost. Panicky, even.

I found my Mr. Wonderful, who has been just that from the moment we met. Stands by me through whatever is on the agenda, supports me in every way possible, opens his home to me and my kids, works like crazy to rehabilitate a field so I can bring my horse here, and ever so cautiously offers to take some of the load off my shoulders (oh, he knows how defensive I get when someone wants to help - after all, I can do it all by myself). And, even after all the shit I put him through, seems to have no inclination to kick me to the curb any time soon.

So, I'm trying desperately to get to gratitude mode. Looking back, I have accomplished much. I fulfilled and LIVED my dreams. Pretty much all of them. When I was 18, a friend and I had a conversation where we pretended to have a million and laid out what we wanted in life. I wanted 2 kids, I eventually wanted to have my own business, and I wanted to live in the country with horses and all sorts of critters. I did all of it. Except the million $$. How freaking lucky am I? After some unfortunate relationship choices I finally find someone I truly adore. And the feeling is mutual. How freaking lucky am I? After many ups and downs and some dark times, I'm finally managing my life without the crutch of AL. How freaking lucky am I?

Looking ahead, I have a family room to create and furnish. Mr. Wonderful has a beautiful home full of family treasures. But it isn't mine. And it does not reflect who I am at all. So, I will make one room for all of us to come together, but also to make this MY HOME. Looking ahead, I will have to stand by my 18 year old daughter and help her as much as I can - news is, she is pregnant. Not at ALL what I want for her at this stage in her life. But, she has more than I did. At least, she will have her mother by her side. And, in one teensy little corner of my heart, I may even look forward to being a grand mother. I did say TEENY ITTY BITTY corner, right? :H

Ok. Enough with the whining - there are things to get done. Life is motion, right? And forward is the way to get places. So, instead of bemoaning what I'm leaving, I will look forward to what is about to come. I think.

[rubywillow]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Your place looks like heaven to me! I KNEW we were kindred spirits! Did you create that website? It's fabulous!
Rubes

[shirazgirl]

I'm an ungrateful moron

Hey Sunni-
It is very hard to let go of things we have wanted and worked hard to get. The fact alone that you owned 77 acres of property and took care of it by yourself is a milestone. I've seen the photo's of your house before teh "unwelcome doings" of someone you called a friend. I could see your passion and love for your home and surroundings. Many hours of hard work, blood, sweat and tears.
For some reason you are meant to move on. Maybe the love of a new family is more important in the long run, then our personal effects. Their is a lesson in all of this and in time, the truth eventually reveals itself.
Although it is hard to look behind, you have much to look forward to. Building a life w/ Mr. Wonderful and the blessing of having a new being in your life (I know, never the way we planned) may be everything you need (I have no grandchildren, but have asked that I be called "Queenie" when I have mine.
Your sobriety is key in all of this. It does keep you sane. Damn those voices in our heads. We are all proud of all you done and will do. Remember, your sobriety is worth all the little and big trinkets in the world....
Now off you go on your new adventure.

[tawnywitch]

I'm an ungrateful moron

do you know Sun that the same thing happened to me almost and thats when i really started drinking, we moved into THE HOUSE of my dreams, room for sheep, horses, river's boating pond, where I wanted to let my grandchildren, when I got them run riot, business went bad we had to move, lost the horses, sheep, my big dog, really resented my hubbie, dont know why, any way, to get a short version, it was hell for year,s tne the smaller house grew on me, we have hen,s a big dog again, and looking for somewhere for the horses, you wont feel like this for ever, let it go, its just STUFF, it still hurts like hell tho, dont it? love and hugs Tawnywitch