I don't think that I can do it anymore.

[eustacia]

I'm grasping the ends of a frayed and immutable marriage, holding on for dear life because I cannot figure a clean way out given some complications in my family's life. I cannot imagine divorcing my husband or even having it become known that I can no longer stand the sight of him. I have realized over the last month that my drinking is not as compulsive as I had thought it might have become, even though currently I am off the program and I'm drinking as much as ever--about three glasses of wine each day, not a safe amount for me physically. I have some major physical health problems and I don't want to make them worse.

I feel deep shame about having allowed myself to become so beaten down emotionally by my husband's ceaseless ridicule and obstreperousness. I am in my fifties but people so often mistake me for about 15 years younger because I inherited good skin genes (yippee, anyone want them?). However, I feel like I am as old as the hills, and I sometimes wonder if my lower school child would be better off if I were not part of the picture. I don't want anyone to worry that I'm suicidal because I'm not.

I am going to have to face another day of being the wife of someone who has alienated me, and I don't know how to do it without medicating myself with wine.

Can anyone relate to what I am saying?

E

[YoungAtHeart]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

I Can Related, Eustacia...

Hello, Eustacia,

Our situations are far from similar Eustacia, but I certainly know the feeling of being beaten down, both by people and circumstances. I can say that I know of very few marriages that end "cleanly", so if you did choose to end it, you certainly wouldn't be alone, there. Likewise, all families are complicated in their own way.

It would seem to me that perhaps you need something apart from the marriage so you can feel good about yourself and more separate from your husband. After all, his statements/behavior really reflect more about him than about you. YOU can make choices about whether you internalize them. Perhaps you already have these things in your life and don't give yourself sufficient credit for them.

I hope that you can stop or cut back on your drinking, as you choose, as obviously, this is making you feel worse about yourself. All the best, Eustacia.

Warmly,
Kathy:l

[eustacia]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Thanks for your kind words, Kathy. Right now I am just feeling so hopeless. I'm sure that part of the problem is that I am going through a bad spell right now with my physical health. Although I look healthy to all of the world, I must deal with the reality that I do not know how much longer I am going to be able to continue pushing myself hard enough to make a good living. Leaving is certainly complicated by the economic ramifications of my health problems. In fact, the only good health insurance that is available to me is through my husband's employment. I have looked everywhere for options. UGH! I'm sorry to write all of this stuff. I don't wish to be a downer but this is the only place that I currently feel safe enough to reveal even as much as I have revealed here.

E

[Quiescent]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Hi E,

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time of it right now:l

I have three children and my two oldest are from my first marriage. I am very happy in my second marriage but I can tell you this. Ending my first marriage didn't end my problems with my first husband, it only highlighted them. I still have to deal with him and his evilness and my children are in the middle now.

I think Kathy had some wonderful advice. You said you have good insurance....is it possible to go talk to a counselor. I think it can do wonders to talk one on one with someone who's only concern is you

Start doing things that make you feel good!

[InnerStrength]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Legal issues.

E -
I don't want to sound insensitive in any way, but I have practiced family law and I can tell you that if part of your concern is being left financially struggling (because of health problems leaving it difficult to support yourself) and not having health insurance etc. - there are legal ways of rectifying this.
We can talk if need be. As I am sure you are well aware, we no longer ive in the days in which women had to stay in a marriage due to financial constraints.
Believe me, I KNOW there is SO much more than finances at stake here. Just a little assurance from the legal side. Let me know if you want to talk from that perspective.
Jen.

[eustacia]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

I think for me, the empty wine glass had other than a silver lining. For years, I thought that part of my unhappiness in my marriage was due to my drinking. I would never have imagined that as my mental clarity increased that I would so quickly realize that I was even more unhappily married than I had thought.

Rachel, Thanks for your kind suggestion about therapy. I am in therapy and it is helping. I think that I might be at one of those "it's going to get worse before it gets better" points. I also know that divorce is not a panacea. For one thing, my husband is the more "hands on" parent of the two of us. His work allows him to pick up our eight-year-old daughter from school and to spend the early evening hours with her. Jen, thanks, too, for your help. I might take you up on your offer to write to you privately. Part of what I worry about is that I am the higher wage earner in this family not because I want to work so much but because someone has to pay the high costs of living in this city that my husband chose for us and for the out-of-pocket medical bills. My greatest fear is of losing custody of our daughter in court to my husband because he has been more available to her. Also, if he wants to get really nasty, there's the issue of my drinking which is why I had better get little morale back and get with the program again!

:h E

[gabby]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

E,
I'm 45 and FINALLY divorced and even tho I have nothing else worked out like finances, retirement, etc... I am so glad to know in my heart that at least I not married to him anymore. Just that in it self is a wonder that makes it all grand. I know the rest will somehow fall into place. gabby

[eustacia]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Gabby,

I'm so glad that it worked out for you!

E

[MKR]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Dear E,

I am so sorry to hear that it has come to that point. Jenneh is right, there are legal ways to make sure you are not financially in the worst of shape. Private message her, she is great to talk to in private.

Financially though there is always a bite out of everyone's lifestyle in a divorce, but if this is eating you up inside, you gotta do what it right for you. I agree, you get totally sober and realize . . . IS THIS ALL THERE IS?!

Big, Big Hugs,
Mary

[gabby]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Well, thanks but I ment that there is hope for YOU Eustacia! gabbs

[Preciouspinot]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

I can completely identify with you and the part about once you gained more clarity realizing the big "UH OH". Alot of my depression stemed from waiting and wanting him to be different and to appreciate me more. Once I let go of that ( a little bit, not completely) I felt better and my self esteem grew. You need to want to be happy and healthly physically , mentally and spiratually for YOU. Stay strong and I hope everything works out.

[Mary Anne]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

sorry

Eustacia,
I wish I could give you words of experience, but I have none at this juncture......still maybe cloudy and happily married(?) I think though that there is plenty of great advice on this thread, you should seriously take! (not giving advice, last one on earth who should be doing that!) Just making suggestions!

These girls are great and there is alot of support here for you..........you are in my thoughts and I know that whateve decision you make will be the right one, whether it be counseling, finding a hobby or outlet that makes YOU happy, or divorce or just temporary separation..........

Much love and hugs,

Mary Anne:h

[Angel3786]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Eustacia, I am in the same boat!! I am completely ignored and alienated by my husband but cannot and will not divorce because of my two awesome sons. It would just kill them if I did anything to tear apart the family. But my husband only talks to me if it's to ridicule, insult, nag or whatever. Emotional Abuse is the theme of our marriage over 17 years. I too drink 3-4 (sometimes 5) glasses of wine every night. It's the only thing I can find that helps me not feel so lonely and neglected. I've reduced it down to 3 lately just because I need to. I don't (yet) have any health problems, but don't want to create any either. In fact, if I ever did develop a health problem that had anything to do with drinking he would have a hay day! I can hear it now, "I have no pity for you because you did this to yourself!". Seriously, he would have no compassion, pity or anything, just criticism. It's a horrible way to live but I love my kids and couldn't stand not to be around them everyday. So, I drink! I'm also trying to develop some new hobbies to occupy my mind. But please know you are not alone! My husband HATES that I drink. He counts how many I have and monitors the bottles in the kitchen. He's always making me feel like such a loser for drinking. It's funny because he has no relationship with me whatsoever, never speaks to me, but feels he needs to make a point about my drinking by counting the glasses and the bottles. I just hate that I'm so hated by the one person in the whole world I'm suppose to be able to count on for support in all areas of my life. I'm utterly alone. I have no friends (well I do but we never do things together because everyone is so busy), my parents are like acquaintences to me (they don't know me at all) and we speak about every 3 months. My kids are my sole source of happiness. I would not want to live in this earth if anything ever happened to them.

Ok, enough babbling! Just know you are NOT alone!!
Angel3786

[eustacia]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Dear Angel,

I just read what you wrote and my immediate reaction was to tell you to do anything possible to get out. Your situation might not seem like it can get worse but it can. I wish that someone had encouraged me to look a bit into the future when I was younger and had more options. Right now, I am 55 years old with significant health problems. I SO wish that I could have my youth back and with it a greater range of possibilities. I'm sorry if this post seems harsh. Please understand that it is written only in the spirit of trying to help another person avoid a situation like the dead end one that I now find myself in.

PM or email me if you would like to talk.

Best wishes, Eustacia

[iia67]

I don't think that I can do it anymore.

Not sure its the same...but

My wife and I have pretty much just a static friendship at best right now. And its been the same for about 5 years. The less I drink the more I realize I just don't have any feelings for her anymore. She is the type of person who has an excuse for everything. She never admits wrong doing in any situation...only points the blame elsewhere. The worst thing is that she is flat out mean to people. I hate that. I am self-employed and need to be with clients and be socially active, but often times I get embarrassed at her behavior. We have children so splitting up just is not an option. I can appreciate that all marriages have peaks and valleys, but when I look at her I feel nothing and like I said early...the less I drink the more I feel this way. I used to blame myself and my drinking for the way our marriage has ended up. But the more sober I am getting the worse I feel about my marriage. I anticipated the opposite to occurr. Anyone else felt the same ?