It dawned on me last week, while I was doing a main share in AA, that it must be like Christmas every day for those that are truly living the 12 step philosophy. The daily selfless acts of helping other individuals and giving oneself wholly to the spirit of the divine light makes me almost envious of those people in a way.
It is something I have searched for most of my life. That sense of spirituality that comes through giving and in doing so we receive the benefits ourselves by our good deeds. I could never possibly hope to obtain that grounding with my own sense of spirituality whilst I was still caught up in the obsession and more so with how other people perceived me.
I was the type of person that would buy a Big Issue just to make me feel good about myself. I had no real empathy with these people because I was so self centered and concerned about my own feelings.
Although in different circumstances, I found myself again this year looking at how I was feeling about the loss of my father, who passed away on the 19th December 2003. Also the regrets I was still holding onto with regards my 5 year old daughter.
I cannot expect these things to heal overnight, but some things are vastly improving in respect of both. I spent a good afternoon at The Liverpool Cathedral a few weeks ago with a good friend who is also in recovery. He happened to bring along his baby daughter who is only 10 months old.
In the past I would not of even entertained the idea of going in such a place because of my cynicism towards organised religion. I still have my views on this but I have let go of the attitude and in doing so I allowed myself to just see the beauty of the building and how awe inspiring it really is.
I felt comfortable in a ?house of god? lighting a few candles and saying a few prayers through my own God for those that I had wronged in my past. My daughter and father being the two prominent ones.
Religion didn?t even come into it.
It was hard seeing my friend spend time in spirit with his daughter like this knowing that I had only been a shell of a man who couldn?t be intimate with anyone let alone my own daughter when she was this age.
It upset me greatly if I?m honest, but at the same time it helped me move forward in seeing that I can only do what I can in this present moment and to be a good daddy to my little girl as best I can today and every day in the future. They say the healing power of one addict helping another addict is unparalleled and I believe totally in this.
Yet I also believe that something greater was at work that day. Why was it my friend unannounced turned up with his daughter this particular day of all days? It was another one of those moments I believe where God was working to help me through my pain, knowing that I was ready to work through it.
The events of this day I also believe helped me deal with my feelings this year a lot better around my dad?s anniversary too. I?m not going sit here and write this saying that I didn?t place a lot of importance on this day, because I did.
I struggled emotionally around it the week leading up to the day. I was feeling very subdued and isolated. I soon realised that again I was being very self centred and in turning this inwards on myself I became very self pitying and judgmental of others. I was trying to be so self righteous in situations I found myself in and particularly with those that are close to me.
My mother bore the brunt of my attitude more than once and more so, because of her own fears she has around her upcoming heart operation in the new year. This is making her own fears come across as trying to control everything, including me. I found it so hard trying to contain myself at times.
I can be very sarcastic with the intent to hurt people with my oral onslaught if I feel I?m being backed into a corner. Thankfully it never got to this stage although I barely grunted a word to my mother at times when she was talking to me.
This self pity though was somehow completely removed on the day of his anniversary. I am someone who totally believes in the power of dreams and in particular the psychic shift that can occur whilst in this state of consciousness.
It is my belief that we are fully conscious whilst in this REM state and that through spirit guides/power animals they can help the psyche shift in order to benefit the person. Whether that be good or bad it is always a lesson that we need to see or go through in order to develop our spiritual selves.
I had the most wonderful day with my daughter on the 19th and I believe this was totally down to this shift in my psyche. I was so calm and relaxed that I had to keep questioning whether my feelings were real or not or whether I was just trying to blank it all out. I then remembered a post about 'feelings' and I considered the possibility that somewhere my brain had remembered this post and had finally consciously processed it during the previous night.
I know things have shifted greatly for me with my internal healing around my daughter and father. I feel the hard work has been done somehow. I feel I have come to a place of forgiveness; of myself finally.
Today I was 11 months sober and I attended a beautiful candlelit meeting last night and one today at lunchtime. The hall was kept open all day as a drop in facility and the donation of food etc has been tremendous. "Tonight we feast like kings!" kind of tremendous! It's been a lovely Xmas this year and I want to thank you all for your kindness over the years since I first joined My Way Out (even when I was such an arrogant bastard at times!)
Heavenly Father, Divine Mother, Beloved God
Please grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.
May All life on earth be happy and at peace this festive season.
Many blessing and love and light to you all
Phil
xx
It is something I have searched for most of my life. That sense of spirituality that comes through giving and in doing so we receive the benefits ourselves by our good deeds. I could never possibly hope to obtain that grounding with my own sense of spirituality whilst I was still caught up in the obsession and more so with how other people perceived me.
I was the type of person that would buy a Big Issue just to make me feel good about myself. I had no real empathy with these people because I was so self centered and concerned about my own feelings.
Although in different circumstances, I found myself again this year looking at how I was feeling about the loss of my father, who passed away on the 19th December 2003. Also the regrets I was still holding onto with regards my 5 year old daughter.
I cannot expect these things to heal overnight, but some things are vastly improving in respect of both. I spent a good afternoon at The Liverpool Cathedral a few weeks ago with a good friend who is also in recovery. He happened to bring along his baby daughter who is only 10 months old.
In the past I would not of even entertained the idea of going in such a place because of my cynicism towards organised religion. I still have my views on this but I have let go of the attitude and in doing so I allowed myself to just see the beauty of the building and how awe inspiring it really is.
I felt comfortable in a ?house of god? lighting a few candles and saying a few prayers through my own God for those that I had wronged in my past. My daughter and father being the two prominent ones.
Religion didn?t even come into it.
It was hard seeing my friend spend time in spirit with his daughter like this knowing that I had only been a shell of a man who couldn?t be intimate with anyone let alone my own daughter when she was this age.
It upset me greatly if I?m honest, but at the same time it helped me move forward in seeing that I can only do what I can in this present moment and to be a good daddy to my little girl as best I can today and every day in the future. They say the healing power of one addict helping another addict is unparalleled and I believe totally in this.
Yet I also believe that something greater was at work that day. Why was it my friend unannounced turned up with his daughter this particular day of all days? It was another one of those moments I believe where God was working to help me through my pain, knowing that I was ready to work through it.
The events of this day I also believe helped me deal with my feelings this year a lot better around my dad?s anniversary too. I?m not going sit here and write this saying that I didn?t place a lot of importance on this day, because I did.
I struggled emotionally around it the week leading up to the day. I was feeling very subdued and isolated. I soon realised that again I was being very self centred and in turning this inwards on myself I became very self pitying and judgmental of others. I was trying to be so self righteous in situations I found myself in and particularly with those that are close to me.
My mother bore the brunt of my attitude more than once and more so, because of her own fears she has around her upcoming heart operation in the new year. This is making her own fears come across as trying to control everything, including me. I found it so hard trying to contain myself at times.
I can be very sarcastic with the intent to hurt people with my oral onslaught if I feel I?m being backed into a corner. Thankfully it never got to this stage although I barely grunted a word to my mother at times when she was talking to me.
This self pity though was somehow completely removed on the day of his anniversary. I am someone who totally believes in the power of dreams and in particular the psychic shift that can occur whilst in this state of consciousness.
It is my belief that we are fully conscious whilst in this REM state and that through spirit guides/power animals they can help the psyche shift in order to benefit the person. Whether that be good or bad it is always a lesson that we need to see or go through in order to develop our spiritual selves.
I had the most wonderful day with my daughter on the 19th and I believe this was totally down to this shift in my psyche. I was so calm and relaxed that I had to keep questioning whether my feelings were real or not or whether I was just trying to blank it all out. I then remembered a post about 'feelings' and I considered the possibility that somewhere my brain had remembered this post and had finally consciously processed it during the previous night.
I know things have shifted greatly for me with my internal healing around my daughter and father. I feel the hard work has been done somehow. I feel I have come to a place of forgiveness; of myself finally.
Today I was 11 months sober and I attended a beautiful candlelit meeting last night and one today at lunchtime. The hall was kept open all day as a drop in facility and the donation of food etc has been tremendous. "Tonight we feast like kings!" kind of tremendous! It's been a lovely Xmas this year and I want to thank you all for your kindness over the years since I first joined My Way Out (even when I was such an arrogant bastard at times!)
Heavenly Father, Divine Mother, Beloved God
Please grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.
May All life on earth be happy and at peace this festive season.
Many blessing and love and light to you all
Phil
xx
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