I never thought I would say this...

[Kimberley]

Hi all,

I have had an awful year of constant relapsing and withdrawal, culminating in a hideous episode just before xmas - my bf said he was leaving as he's sick of this pattern and me being obnoxious while drunk so I went out got absolutely trolleyed, managing to get a head injury and ending up in hospital - and then leaving hospital and drinking again(!!!) until New Years Day, missing out all the days in between including xmas :upset: Not only deeply shameful, but effing dangerous with a head injury.

I have realised that the relapse prevention classes I have been doing are not enough, and I am going to do something I swore NEVER to do - I am going to go to AA. I have realised I need a physical support network that is almost constantly there in some way or other, whether thats meetings or sponsors etc, that I can turn to in times of crisis - as I only ever drink when I am in distress or angry.

Thing is, I am petrifed. I always said AA wasn't for me, I don't agreee with it etc, but I have come to realise I DO need this kind of support from people who really understand and can help. OK guys, what to expect if I am going to commit to this? I have been to 3 AA meetings before and walked out and drank afterwards - I think part of it was me rebelling against it. Not this time, but I want to be prepared. I am just about coming out of withdrawals now and plan to go to a meeting tomorrow if I feel well enough to go outside.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks,
K x

[fluff]

I never thought I would say this...

I can't give you any advice, Kim, but wish you the best with the program... my sister's been in AA for 20 years and it has worked for her- I think the key is to find a meeting that feels comfortable and then stay with it, if you don't find one near you that you like-look for a different one.
Best wishes,
Fluff

[NoraC]

I never thought I would say this...

Oh Kimberley - I wish that I had the answers. I am going to be attending some meetings myself. I have only attended one and I did not like it at all and didn't get anything out of it. And, actually just wanted to go out and drink afterwards. I have been strongly encouraged by my Psychatrist and Therapist to try again. So, I have agreed.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Did you completely stop the antabuse? I was off it for the last month and I have started it again. I do NOT drink when I'm taking it. Bottom line. So, that is going to be a tool that I use while I work on the other issues.
Thinking of you and sending you strength. :l:h

[choice]

I never thought I would say this...

Hi Kimberley,
I hope you find the right AA meeting for yourself too. I'm scared to go myself, not sure why But this year I'm thinking I'll try to go to one meeting at least to see how it is. I think MWO is amazing... but at the same time I think it would be helpful to actually talk face to face with someone who's trying to do the same thing I am... and understands why it's SO hard.
Best of luck to you and I would love to hear how your meetings go :h

[j-vo]

I never thought I would say this...

Hi Kimberly,
I always said I wasn't an AA person either. I've tried moderation and other recovery methods, but I always seemed to return to the high levels of drinking, and I wasn't satisfied with the quality of life. I went to my first AA meeting in August. I was a nervous wreck. It was a good meeting, although I didn't find anyone to really connect with. A guy told me of another meeting not far from there that meets on Saturdays at 11 and I tried that one. That is now my homegroup and I love it. I've become friends with so many good people through this meeting. I attend other meetings as well, sometimes alone, and sometimes with other women I've met throuigh homegroup. I can say the quality of my life has gotten so much better as I work through the 12 steps. The support is incredible, which is what I needed. Also, the spiritual aspect of this program has been an enormous help to me. Give different meetings a try if they are available. You may find one that you really like. They're all so different. Shop around! Good luck. Oh, if you'd like, we have an AA thread in the Monthly Abstinence forum.

[Wagoneer]

I never thought I would say this...

Kimberley - so sorry for your struggles. How are you feeling - is your head ok? Talk about a wake up call. Glad you came out of this close call ok.

I have never been to AA myself, but I have many friends who swear by it. The support they get - face to face - was something they needed. It changed their lives for the better. I wish you the best of luck and give it a try and keep an open mind. Please do this as soon as possible - that beast is a tricky bastard. Don't give him time to get back into your thoughts.

After the head injury episode, you don't want something worse happening..Take good care.

[janka]

I never thought I would say this...

Hi Kim, I too was VERY resistant to AA despite many relapses and a couple of injuries as a result. So ... I realized that my way of abstinence was not working, and that even though I don't "believe" in some of the things AA espouses, at a decent meeting I looked around the room full of people and said to myself:

1) These people are smart
2) Are coming together to feel better and be better people
3) Are generally selfless
4) Are often smiling, even laughing
5) Maybe AA has something to offer, something to help me!

Well, I've been sober for 9+ weeks now and feel better. I actually even look forward to going to AA meetings (I go to the same 3 a week). I've made two new really good friends too. That's enough for me!

[Kimberley]

I never thought I would say this...

Thanks guys for all your support, sympathy and advice. Head is finally better thank god, just ending off withdrawals now, which were horrendous - the horrors, hallucinations everything. But I'm up and about today and really hope to be able to go out tomorrow.

Yes this has been a wake-up call. I have done many stupid and shameful things drunk but I have never done anything which could possibly have killed me. Thank god someone found me and called an ambulance. I know someone whose wife was an alky and she fell over and hit her head and it killed her. So yes, major wake-up to realising that, no, what I am doing is not working and, yes, I have to accept that AA may well be the key.

I am relieved to hear that many of you seem to have expereinced the same aversion to AA as I did, but eventually caved in and found you had a positive expereince. That is very comforting as I am a stubborn so-and-so and much of the pain and misery I have caused myself and others may not have happened if I had just been open to the advice of others and tried AA PROPERLY.

[rubywillow]

I never thought I would say this...

Kim, as with anything, we have to find what works for us. You do sound as if you're at a point, where, in the sake of your physical safety, you have to find someplace to make connections, to find people you connect with, you trust, in your real world. For me, having this place has been a Godsend, but I've been through all the things you describe, and found my way out. Just having others to listen, advise, care, understand, is the greatest thing for me.
There are a lot of different groups, treatments, out there. The one thing you do NOT need is to feel alone. And so many, (me included!) are here to help, listen, pass on our life experiences. Several years ago, after yet another night alone b/c of Hubs work, I was drinking heavily. At some ungodly hour of the night, I decided it was a good idea to move furniture from my porch to our farm truck. The temp was well below freezing, Hubs wouldn't be home for 5-6 hours, and I live in a very remote area. So, in my drunken wisdom, I started the job, only to fall (who would'a guessed???) and, (as it turned out) luckily hit the huge stainless steel bumper of the truck with my side. Why lucky? I had 6 fractured ribs. Had the truck, my aim, whatever, been off by 12 inches or so, I could have hit my head. I'd have fallen, with a head injury, onto the ground. If unconscious, or worse, I've had lain in sub-zero temps at least 6 hours, till Hubs got home. There but for the Grace of God, right.
Today, after a lot of additional breaks/fractures, not caused by drunken accidents but by weakened bones from AL abuse, I can forcast the weather better than any moron on TV. I played, I pay.
I don't mean this to make your post about me; it's to make a cautionary statement. Find a way, try them ALL out, to find your path. Remember, this is My Way Out. Hang on, girl.

[Seethepony]

I never thought I would say this...

I have zero belief in AA and zero willpower. I was up to my eyeballs in booze and my health was in the gutter - 2 bottles of wine each evening really taking their toll. Nevertheless I managed to get 95% Af within a few weeks with baclofen, which I believe is a real cure for alcoholism, not some bullshit foisted on us desperate alkies by a cynical pharma industry.
This is an easy way to save your own life... I am constantly amazed by the number of people on this forum who live a contant battle with booze but who ignore baclofen for some mysterious reason.

You can give up alcohol very easily without some tedious belief system, without needing support of others just as fucked up and desperate as you. There's a cure right in front of you. Pick it up!

[medic]

I never thought I would say this...

Kimberley,

go for it! Try what you need to try to get out of this drinking habit, because that's all it is; a bullshit habit.

med+c

[Cassia]

I never thought I would say this...

Hi Kim,

I know what you mean about aa. I have been before and really couldn't relate to any one there and was pretty put off by it. That was two and a half year ago and I am back to where I was then, bingeing once a week. My counsellor has suggested aa to me as part of my therapy so I am going to try it again this week. I don't know where you are in the uk but I am going to two in Glasgow. If u are around this area, I would be happy to meet up with u and we can go together. Might take the fear out of it for both of us.

L x

[Kimberley]

I never thought I would say this...

ruby, yes it's scary the way we can hurt ourselves - I, too, find this site useful but I do need face-to-face almost instant support sometimes.

pony, I understand your feelings and have always felt that way myself although I have tried meds and even antabuse and just stopped taking the meds when distressed. I do not even know if I will ever understand or get into all the 12-step stuff, but for me that is a secondary thing. The most important thing for me is to be able to step into a room full of people who understand exactly how I feel and have faced the same struggles I have and say "I need help. Now." I have learnt that I need a recovery network - I really believe this will make all the difference. Because I can tell you now, I am sick of all this bullshit I am currently living through.

Medic how funny, I was about to post on your own thread. Thanks for support.

cassia thanks for the offer - that's lovely but unfortunately I'm in London. What you can do, and what I did this afternoon, is to phone the AA main contact number and they can arrange for someone local who already goes to AA to meet up with you to take you to a meeting and show you the ropes. Apparently they will call you within 48 hours. Might be worth a try? I think it will be a bit of a comfort rather than just turning up on your own.

[Seethepony]

I never thought I would say this...

"I have tried meds and even antabuse and just stopped taking the meds when distressed"

Oh well, don't bother then.

[betty boop]

I never thought I would say this...

Kimberley, I went to AA year before last, and instantly clicked with the group that I found ............

I never did the steps and was never pushed towards it, meeting people face to face was the help that I needed ..........

Good Luck with it, BB xxx