PAIN

[kitty72]

I am real big emotional pain tonight (No, not cos of the Wales result!( but cos I got a text (a nice one) that brought up all my family agonies.

They started a LONG time ago ... this latest one takes the biscuit tho. As a result of thhe surprise 80th for my dad that I wasnt nvited to ........... I kicked off and now god knows... dsowned AGAIN?

I have no fucking purpose, Im nit a mother etc - I could have been but was forced into an abortion by my mother at age 17. As it happened on the same day as Hillsborough it's a day I will never EVER forget. I never ever could contemplate having a child after that guilt.


Im fuck all to anyone , Im not drinking I've just been thinking about things the last hour or so.

[rubywillow]

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kitty72;1080871 wrote: I am real big emotional pain tonighr (No, not cos of the Wales result!( but cos I got a text (a nice one) that brought up all my family agonies.

They started a LONG time ago ... this latest one takes the biscuit tho. As a result of thhe surprise 80th for my dad that I wasnt nvited to ........... I kicked off and now god knows... dsowned AGAIN?

I have no fucking purpose, Im nit a mother etc - I could have been but was forced into an abortion by my mother at age 17. As it happened on the same day as Hillsborough it's a day I will never EVER forget. I never ever could contemplate having a child after that guilt.


Im fuck all to anyone , Im not drinking I've just been thinking about things the last hour or so.

Kit, please don't drink, OK? I have very hurtful family issues, and I do understand. Never say Never. Just get through today, and we'll talk, OK?

[kitty72]

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My father hates me- There's been a big issues. (See my thread from Thurs) - Maybe I'll drag it and quote it. My kicking off over it has resukted in WW3

He never stopped reminding me that I was not his choice to have, just to appease my mother. I have 2 half sisters.

[Brave Hearted]

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Hi Kitty

I dont know all your circumstances but sounds like you are feeling hury and rejected. You are somebody be proud of that and please dont drink you will onyl feel worse, you are somebody to us.

Much Love

BHx

[Cassia]

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Hi kitty,

*big hugs* I think having an abortion is one of the most difficult decisions a woman has to make and the fact that you were forced into must be beyond awful. Guilt is a terrible emotion that can eat away at you as I am sure you have felt for a long time. But it doesn't have to be like this. You can choose to let of that guilt. It will be a long and hard process and you will need a lot of support, perhaps even from a professional. But you can do this!

Love and strength to you.

X

[kitty72]

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A lot in the backgound but this fired the latest kick off...........

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am beyond fucking annoyed today- eldest sister who I don't get on with said she was just taking my father out for a meal with her immediate family last night - fine I thought and said I'd take him out on fri- she went and organised a family surprise party with all my aunts, uncles cousins etc there - my own fathers 80th bday party and I didn't go

What annoys me further is that obviously my extended family were told I was not to know. I saw an aunt who was there in town last week and we discussed my father's impending birthday. I am also angry at my father himself! My sister had made noises a few weeks back about having a party in her house but he had said that if I wasnt going to be invited he didnt want to know. So she sneaked around and held it in a pub/restaurant type place instead. Why didnt he insist that someone rang me? I suppose he could have been a bit overwhelmed but

The good news is, I have no desire to drink over this. I have had a lot of supportive texts and phone calls from my good friends, at least I can choose them if not my family. The fall out with my sister sparked off after I was left more of my mother's jewellry when she died than she was. Considering I was my mother's daughter and she was her step daughter..... (She is 52, my dad's first wife died - He remarried my mother and they had me- Im 38)

[kitty72]

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Thankyou everyone by the way xxxxxxxxxxx

[Doggygirl]

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:l:l:l:l

DG

[Cassia]

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Kitty - from my own experience sisters can be bitches. And I bet your dad probably gave ur sis a really hard rime for you not being there and asked where u were on the night. I bet he was disappointed that you weren't. I hope u work this out. Obviously I don't know any history behind your relationship with your sis but it seems to me that she was bang out of order. I do have some empathy for your extend family, it seems like they were put in a very bad position.

X

[kitty72]

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It's very late here so bed now, thanks for letting me get some of it out _ I know, I AM THE ALCOHOLIC It's all hard to deal with now xxxxxxxxx

[cymru]

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It's time to make that plan of action and start making those changes.
I'm worried that all this emotion is building and building and I don't want to see a big explosion at the end and the effect of that.
You know I'm here every step of the way, but ultimately it's you who has to want to make these changes and start proceeding with a plan of action.
We have both seen me fail a million times, and have both seen what making positive (though huge and sometimes difficult) changes can do.
You have many new friends and ppl to lean on here and me bugging you outside your front door!
Your a good person. One of the kindest souls I know, so let's stop beating yourself up and look forward, onwards and upwards!
Cy x

[stashia]

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kitty my heart goes out to you :h just thank god you have love and support from friends here and your dear friend cym. as he says turn these building blocks into stepping stones and march on! i think you didnt get enough emotional help or maybe needed counciling all those years back, you were too young to deal with somthing that big. i hope you feel a bit better today chin up girl and keep posting :l

[startingover]

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Kitty, Firstly big hugs.
I can so relate to much of what you say about not having a purpose and having family issues.
Sometimes I would keep saying over and over to myself that I came into this world alone and I will leave alone and the bit in between is probably best if I was alone too. A bit negative, but somehow it was kind of comforting.
I dont have any advice, but just know that you do have people who care about you here, and families arent everything xx

[Chillgirl]

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Kitty - I hope you are doing ok and feel better this morning. :l

I agree with Starty that our families aren't everything. If they work, great. If they don't, we have the choice to walk away and surround ourselves with good positive people who care and support us. It's hard cause society tells us this is the job of our family but it seldom works that way.

There's a great quote "members of the same family rarely grow up under the same roof" and that's because we find our own family in this world. For me, I'm at my most comfortable when I'm with other addicts as that's when I can be my true self.

What you are going through hurts like hell but you will never get others to see the world the way you do. Maybe they aren't behaving out of malice but because they just see things differently. I think your father sounds like he hasn't had much say in the matter and he's maybe not strong enough to stand up to your half-sisters.

Don't rely on them for your happiness Kitty, you have the power inside you to choose to be happy and you have people here who do care about you.

[kitty72]

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I am not complete crap - I will fully admit I make around ?30- 35K a year from an internet forum. Started as a hobby to kind of escape my ex husband. Lots of work for a few years, but now it's so successful it runs itself.... I had a purpose for a time. Lets just say there is a poster here who's username caused me to PM and ask............. And yeah, the internet is a small world!

Someone on that forum thought enough of me (We had never met) to pay my entire divorce bill ... ?25K to the ex and 6K in legal fees.

So some would say I have a charmed life - lol , not really - It's 8am and I am here blathering shit to alkies lol. But alkies are the best people in my life... they understand me. You people here, People I know at AA and not forgetting you Cy.