feeling raw and vulnerable

[emily]

For the last couple of days I've felt very raw and vulnerable. It's hard to put into words. I feel incredibly lonely and sorry for myself. I keep crying. This is not normal for me. I've got a lot to be grateful for and from the outside looking in people would think I've got it made!

Maybe that's it. My job is all about helping other people and they look to me for guidance and I just feel I've had such a rough time recently with admitting to this bloody addiction and admitting to my husband that I have a problem (all in the last 2-4 weeks). I just want someone like me to help me!

A couple of days ago I had the feeling of hoplessness and despair, which was awful. I last felt this when my dad died. I also have been thinking about him a lot in the last week.

It feels like I'm greiving. Is this normal? I feel raw and alone and can't tell anyone how I feel, well expect on here.

[hillsidetime]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Hi Emily, I am sorry for how you are feeling. I am reaching over the internet to give you a big hug. You are not alone, with these emotions and experiences. In the first and second month of going sober I felt a lot of the same things. Sometimes they would swell up, perhaps like what you are feeling.

Hang in there, it will get better. Don't forget that it takes the body a while to detox, and get the reaction of no more poision over with. Once that is over, the body than has to continue dealing with the lack of sugar from the booze. It takes a while to get some homeostatic balance again. Add in with that changes in sleep patterns, some headaches that linger, and it can really set us up for feeling emotionally drained.

I don't have anyone else to talk with except our friends here. Without them, I could not have made it. The chat at night is a great help. The daily threads are very welcoming, like newbies nest or journey, just to name a few. You can pop in to any of those to share and write.

You are doing a great thing. Your husband will only love and respect you more if you try to face this battle with alcohol. You can do it.
Hill

[Doggygirl]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Hi emily. I too can relate to how you've been feeling. Raw and emotional. I think for me it was like what Sheri said - feeling instead of all the years numbing. I was a daily drinker my whole adult life, so I'm still learning how to deal with life's ups and downs and my emotions without numbing it all. It's a process but for me, so very worthwhile. I never want to go back to the way it was.

I know it's not for everyone, but face to face support from people "just like me" has been so valuable. I found that support in AA. Others here have found it in groups like SMART face to face or Women for Sobriety. Not sure what's available in your area or how you feel about it - just something to consider. I am so glad to have my "sober sisters" in my life. They have helped me build new friendships and activities that don't revolve around AL. I had none of those when I stopped drinking.

DG

[Lavande]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Hi emily,

I think it's perfectly OK to grieve the loss of your 'best friend' but just for a little while. I went through that myself but didn't let it last too long. I consciously decided to be happy & feel the freedom from the grips of my old 'friend' AL.

Wishing you the best on your journey. Do the grieving then push yourself forward - you'll be glad you did

Lav

[medic]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Hi Emily.

Echoing somewhat what's been said above, I think it's natural to feel vulnerable and more of a sense of self-pity if you're staying off alcohol at this early stage. The mind will use every emotion at its disposal to trick you back into drowning it out and part of you perhaps longs for emotional numbing as a form of relief from your sadness.

I am 5 days sober and need a drink more than ever because of my own circumstances which I interpret as a general daily sadness. Trust me; I know all about hopelessness and despair. It's a daily accomplishment not to self harm myself never mind drink alcohol. I say this sympathetically and not to play down any of the issues you face.

It's perhaps time for you to take some leave from your responsibilities to others so you can focus on yourself. Taking even one day off from work and utilising it as a day for you to consciously relax or go for a walk in the woods will help you lose yourself in nature rather than the mind cycle of alcohol temptation. If you can't do that, ask yourself why not?

Your vulnerability maybe extends to your own disappointment about yourself in the eyes of your husband now that he knows about the alcohol. Even more reason for you to take some time for yourself and regroup. You need and deserve this without any ensuing dramas. Tell people what you need from them and give yourself a break. And... relax.

You will get through this period. Just stop giving your mind the permission to freak you out by breathing deeply and consciously ignoring it.

PM me if you need anything.

med+c

[coalfire]

feeling raw and vulnerable

medic;1099424 wrote: Hi Emily.

The mind will use every emotion at its disposal to trick you back into drowning it out

You sure can say that again! I am day 82 AF and this has totally amazed me. Its like your mind conjures up a brand new trick every week. Our addicted voice is one heck of a con man. You would have to admire it if you didn't hate it so much. My heart sinks every time my addicted brain comes up with a new excuse to go back to drinking. Its like noooooo what the hell now?!! I am just working on the basis that it has got to run out of ideas somehow.

Then it will probably go back and revisit the old ones:H

[emily]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Hey guys

thanks from the bottom of my heart for your support. I feel I'm all take take take from this amazing forum but I'm in no position to give at the moment. I will be one day.

There is just so much wisdom and kindness here. I've read everyones posts and I'll read them all again. Sheri, I've printed out the reading you posted and it's on my fridge door. It's helped, thanks, you all have. x

[coalfire]

feeling raw and vulnerable

Here is another idea for you Emily. I notice you do not have a signature. I have 2, my permanent one and then one I change every week or 2. At the moment my 2nd one says "there is no way the bottle is going to be stronger than I am" When that one stops motivating me I will delete it and choose another one. It helps to see your own goals or beliefs set out in front of you every week. There are some great ones in the quotes for today thread.