The Whirlpool

[Bean]

This thread is for all the people who don't know where they're at or where they want to be with AL and they aren't AF and aren't Modding and who may be drinking every day or who sometimes go AF and then drink constantly. In other words, if you're in a WHIRLPOOL with your drinking, all over the place, constantly change your mind etc


PLEASE POST HERE!!

I don't know exactly how this thread could help but I hope it can. Bean x

PS Cause this is where I'm at.

[choice]

The Whirlpool

Hi Bean,
I can really relate to this thread. Usually when I start a thread (unless it's to post about a victory of AF days) I have no idea "where I'm at".... I've been here a year now and still feel like I'm just starting out. I'm AF and pretty settled on that is what I want for myself only because it's easier for me....I did my modding before I found MWO. I wish I would have found MWO during that time,,, I may have been able to be a modding if I had.... I just black out now so obviously don't want to mess around with AL anymore.... too freaky for me at this stage. But I understand what your talking about as far as a whirlpool. I just think this is a great idea for a thread. I am very inspired by people who can moderate and who decide to go AF.
Take care,
Choice

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

Hi Bean. I can understand the whirlpool analogy as I spent a lot of time in that whirlpool!!! For me what made that time so difficult was *wishing* I could be one way with alcohol (someone who could safely drink from time to time and control it) when the fact is, I cannot be that way.

In one of my addiction counseling classes last week we watched a video that for me, was very revealing. It chronicled the life journies of 3 college friends. One who NEVER took to alcohol - if he drank it he really felt terrible so he just never (or rarely) did. Another one of the friends enjoyed the party, but after drinking too much, the hangover would really deter her from drinking again for a long time. She could take it or leave it. Post college, she drank socially but eventually got married and had a family and drinking just didn't fit into her life any more, so she rarely drank any more.

The third friend...well...that was me. In college he was the life of the party. He could drink people under the table (drink more than other people with seemingly less effect). He was a high achiever - good grades, etc. Post college he got a good job and continued high achieving. He also "played hard" and was the life of the office party. He got married and had best intentions of "settling down." He would have periods of crossing the line and scaring his wife. Then he would "back off" for short periods and convince himself and his wife that he was really "OK." This cycle got worse and worse over time.

When I thought about all this, I could see that most of the people I know with respect to alcohol consumption really do fit into one of these categories.

My husband is like the first guy. Alcohol makes him feel "not very good" and therefore it's very rare for him to have more than 1 beer (and that is not very often) and two is really his upper limit (rare). One time in 13 years I have seen him DRUNK and that experience was so bad for him that it will probably take another 13 years for him to foget it and repeat it, if ever.

The people I used to long to be like are the ones in the second category. The ones who can party when they want to, and not when they don't.

But I am the third guy and there is nothing I can do to change that. The best way for me to live with the facts is to stay AF.

This film postulates that we are genetically pre-disposed for these responses. Guy number 3 would never know he was genetically pre-disposed for alcohol addiction if he never had access to alcohol or never drank alcohol. He would just never know. But for those of us wired like that, the film suggests that it doesn't take a lot of drinking experiences to kick the craving into gear.

So anyway, I think of my "whirlpool time" as clearly BEING in one of these categories while wishing I was in a different one. I had to accept my reality in order to step out of the chaos.

I wish everyone well who is still struggling to figure out where they are with all this. I know it's not easy.

DG

[greeneyes]

The Whirlpool

I've been in the whirlpool too. For me it was exhausting in a lot of ways. I was sure that I was smart enough, strong enough, had enough will power, etc to drink the way I wanted to and not how I didn't want to. But like DG, I'm the third friend. And that's all there is to it. I can't be what I'm not, so I found peace in not trying anymore. Bean, I hope you pick a path and find peace with it. Once you pick, I'm sure you'll be comfortable in the threads with the same goal in mind. I don't envy you being in the picking process though. :l

[tonstantweader]

The Whirlpool

I'm definitely in Doggiegirl's third group too. I guess we all are or we wouldn't be here, right? But I have been in that whirlpool so much it is a great relief to feel that I may finally be on dry land. I can't count the mornings I have awakened to swear that I had to stop drinking but knowing all along that I couldn't and wouldn't. I also knew, though, that some day I would have to. I'd get stopped for a DUI, which in my small town, could get me fired from my job, or I'd hurt myself so badly I'd have to go to the hospital. Or I'd finally send the email to my kids or post something on Facebook that would cause people to stage an intervention.
The last few weeks have been tough, but have also been liberating. Not having to bargain with myself about drinking, or figure out what nights would be ok to drink and what nights would I have to be sober to face a tough next day, or what liquor store to go to that I hadn't been to in the past week has been such a relief.
I can't say I'm out of the whirlpool, but I am determined not to get sucked in deeper.

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

tonstant..... boy that's a mouthful!

Good job on your decision and your turning of the corner. I know it's not easy dealing with cravings and thoughts, etc. But I can really relate to the sense of relief when the decision is FINALLY made for real. Like you - I BS'd myself for a long time telling myself I was ready to stop but knowing full well I was going to drink again (soon!).

Has anyone head from Chief lately? I used to love his analogy about being in the ring, boxing with AL. The only way to "win" is to stop fighting and step out of the ring.

Is that similar to the whirlpool?

DG

[Lavande]

The Whirlpool

Bean,

I'm another one who did all my modding before finding MWO!
Since I've been here I have not had a single drop!!!!!
I figured the whirlpool, suckhole whatever you want to call it had just about dragged me to the bottom.....I was very scared & didn't want things to get any worse.

I listened to DG, Greenie & others & just made myself accept the fact that I just cannot drink....period! Once I did that, the rest all fell into place.

DG, I have not seen Chief around lately & actually thought about him a couple of times earlier this week. Hope he is OK.

Bean, ask yourself this question. Do you need AL to live? I found out that I didn't

[DriftyAlison0]

The Whirlpool

Doggygirl;1169545 wrote: Hi Bean. I can understand the whirlpool analogy as I spent a lot of time in that whirlpool!!! For me what made that time so difficult was *wishing* I could be one way with alcohol (someone who could safely drink from time to time and control it) when the fact is, I cannot be that way.


DG

That was me too. I wanted to quit every time I had a hangover. But I would then feel better and forget what I felt like earlier and couldn't wait for the next party. In my previous quits and modding I went around and around. I stopped doing that after getting tired of getting hangovers and I was through one when I decided to quit, so I set a date, set up one last night to drink, and got a plan together. After the party I quit for good. Its been 99 days af now and I am never going back.

[mama bear]

The Whirlpool

This is a great thread and so full of wisdom....thank you...

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

How have you been Mama? How is life treating you?

DG

[Bean]

The Whirlpool

Thanks for the replies so far. I totally identify with the video you mention DG - and (no surprises) I am the 3rd example too. And what you said about *wishing* to be something else. I think this is the crux of it - I simply am/have not been able so far to ACCEPT that I can't drink safely or moderately.

I don't know why it is so hard. I just cannot seem to get to that psychological understanding and the effort of struggling with it all the time is seriously depleting me.

I feel strongly that as and when I do accept this fact, I don't think it will be hard for me to quit. But I am fearful about what I might put myself through in order to get there. I know that any AF time is better than none but lately I can't even be bothered to try. I guess I started this thread because I also got tired of feeling guilty about being on the AF boards and then drinking, ditto with the Mods boards.

I'm not proud of myself for being flaky, it's just where I'm at. And I don't need any more information or platitudes or tips about how to stop. That's what is so exasperating - I KNOW exactly what I'm doing and all the harmful effects etc but I still continue on.

Something needs to change in my brain. I just don't know how to make that happen. Onwards.
Bean

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

I know it's commonly said here that "any AF time is better than none" or things along those lines. I only agree with that to a very narrow point.

Is relapse a part of recovery? Unfortunately, I believe it is. I don't know very many people who "get it" (AF) on the first or even second or third try.

I DO think there is a fine line between accepting that relapse may be part of this, and carrying that idea forward to where a bit of "cutting back" is considered big progress.

Speaking from my own experience with it, I can say that until I made the committment to get continuously AF, I was "stuck" in the alcohol driven rut no matter how many drinks I did or didn't drink on how many days of the week I did or didn't drink them. I was still stuck in a rut of AL running my life, even when I wasn't drinking it.

I guess that is the part I finally got sick of.

Bean I'm not even necessarily writing this in direct response to your post. More the idea in general that I see around here a lot that "cutting back" on some level is major progress. For me it never was. I think I bullshitted myself a lot with that notion though.

Anyway...as with all of my ramblings.....FWIW.

DG

[Bean]

The Whirlpool

DG - you hit the nail on the head. I am totally stuck in that rut and have been for years. I am sick of AL running the show every second of the day. It's on my mind from morning till night whether I am drinking or not.

But I'm clearly not sick enough of it to properly stop. Feeling really miserable and tired today because I stayed up late drinking last night. Got up and poured a glass of wine this morning. Thinking about getting some this afternoon. Feel like I'm trying to deliberately push myself to some crazy place so that the penny will drop but also am already IN the crazy place and using AL to temporarily escape it.

I take your point about cutting back not necessarily meaning progress. For me, I am quite sure that when my thinking and perspective changes the behaviour will follow. I don't know how much longer I can carry on in the whirlpool. Feels like I am going to drown sooner or later if I can't get my act together but with every failed attempt to manage AL in a way that works for me, my will to try again gets sapped even further.

This mental headspace really is hell on earth. But I would like to keep the dialogue going. Years ago in a counselling session, the counsellor made one comment about the issue we were discussing and, just like that, it totally changed my perspective on it. This was something I had been wrestling with for YEARS. I had talked about it to friends and family, thought I understood it etc but it just took this person with fresh eyes to see the truth. I think I'm hoping that if I keep coming here long enough, reading and posting....maybe one day I will read something that leads to that a-ha moment with AL. And then I can be free.

Bean

[Bean]

The Whirlpool

Or am I nuts in thinking I can 'think' my way out of this problem? Perhaps it doesn't need all this endless analysis and rationalizing and negotiation? What it needs is a decision and action.

Just thinking aloud...

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

Bean;1169790 wrote: Or am I nuts in thinking I can 'think' my way out of this problem? Perhaps it doesn't need all this endless analysis and rationalizing and negotiation? What it needs is a decision and action.

Just thinking aloud...

Amen Sistah! Well, that's my opinion on it anyway. And you know I'm never shy about stating those!

You are such a beautiful articulate woman. Reclaim your life, will ya?

DG