The Whirlpool

[greeneyes]

The Whirlpool

Bean;1169790 wrote: Or am I nuts in thinking I can 'think' my way out of this problem? Perhaps it doesn't need all this endless analysis and rationalizing and negotiation? What it needs is a decision and action.

Just thinking aloud...

Yes. Unevoquivocally yes.

[tonstantweader]

The Whirlpool

Been there, done that

Bean;1169789 wrote: Feel like I'm trying to deliberately push myself to some crazy place so that the penny will drop but also am already IN the crazy place and using AL to temporarily escape it.
Bean

That's exactly what I knew I was doing the week before I quit. I binged every night, and finally decided on a Tuesday that i would quit...again. The only different thing I did was find a website called stopdrinkingalcohol.com first. I read some articles on there and really got a good dose of just how unhealthy and horribly bad drinking to excess is for me. In one of the many articles on that site was a link to MWO. I poked around a bit, but left without bookmarking the site. It then took me forever to find it again, poked around some more and left. I came back a third time (I was still AF, but it had only been a few days so far), registered and tentatively made my first post. The welcome and support was instantaneous and I am convinced that this would have been just another failed attempt at being AF after a few days if not for MWO.

Anyway, the bottom line of all this rambling is that until you decide you are really ready to quit boxing with Al (love that analogy, Doggiegirl!), quitting won't work. but when you are ready, really commit to it.

[patrice]

The Whirlpool

Hi all
I too feel like i'm in this whirlpool, or waiting place or the hangar...I can relate totally to the idea of planning/ deciding to give up AL one day only to have a glass of wine the next morning. I am really struggling with it now..
I also know the tools and what works.. I have all the supplements at the ready but just can't be bothered taking them. Its madness!!! I've spent a fortune on supplements, carting them halfway round the world only to put them away in a cupboard.
I so want to get away from AL
take care

patrice

[Bean]

The Whirlpool

Doggygirl;1169793 wrote: Amen Sistah! Well, that's my opinion on it anyway. And you know I'm never shy about stating those!

You are such a beautiful articulate woman. Reclaim your life, will ya?

DG

Ha! Thanks DG. Made me smile. And think. I am realizing that my drinking is sometimes triggered by a very childish, insecure yet rebellious part of me. Really, it's such a ridiculous thing to do TO YOURSELF. Today has been stunningly beautiful and I just about ruined it because of drinking excessively last night.

Another thing that stuck was a post (by Bruunhilde I think). She said she 'didn't actually want to stop drinking until she got sober' - or it was the other way round! Sort of like not knowing you really wanted to be a parent till you had kids or something. I guess the point is that one can prevaricate forever (and some do) on whether or not to quit and there comes a point when you just have to do it. And to start it could be really hard and you wonder why you're bothering but then the benefits start to stack up and you embrace it.

Truthfully, I'm not there yet but I'm inching closer all the time. Greenie, Lav, DG, Choice (and any others with long term AF) - how many times did you give it a serious go before the time that has stuck? Can you remember what felt different THIS time about the commitment factor?

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps to be talking about this outside of the context of number of AF days etc.
Bean

[mama bear]

The Whirlpool

Hey Doggie...I am hanging in there....work,work,work....worry about money....not AF either and this thread has been good for me......the Nike slogan...JUST DO IT...is in my head.....AL really affects my depression issues and why in the hell would I would pour that poison down my throat??
You and Greenie and Lavande have always been there telliing me that....guess it's time to listen
Didn't mean to hijack your thread Bean!

[mario]

The Whirlpool

Hi mama bear, wondering where you got to, hang on around here,even though some people are in a whirlpool there are always people ready and waiting to help pull you out ;-) Dont quit quitting.

[Doggygirl]

The Whirlpool

Mama, I'm glad you posted. I hope you decide to find your way out. Drinking doesn't help anything be better - that's for sure.

Bean, from the other side looking back, I can't imagine why I didn't see the insanity of cliinging to alcohol. There was only one reason for that - addiction. Pure and simple. I look at people here and can see their beauty, and then also see how clinging to alcohol just keeps them trapped - trapped in the same place I was trapped. Sliding down into the abyss. Throwing my human potential out the window - for what? Wine? AL did nothing but limit me and cause me pain. Why on earth would I want to hang onto that? But I did. What little "fun" I had was nothing compared to the limitations and risks.

It's hard for me to say how many serious attemps I made. At least two, but in reality many more. My first serious attempt was when I came here. I sputtered a bit but then pretty quickly got on a roll and got to 60 days. Then I drank. I thought at the time ....HEY - I did it once, I can stop again if this doesn't work.

Well guess what. It wasn't very easy to stop again. That scared the crap out of me. I would try and then drink and then try and then drink. I don't even think I made it a week af during that 8 months time. I honestly don't know what happened on May 22, 2008 that finally stuck.

So my question now is this Bean. You have said it's really easy for you to stop, and that you have some rebellion, etc. going on. Is it REALLY that easy? If so, then why not just stop while it's still easy? If it's NOT really that easy, then all the more reason to get stopped either way.

Look around at the evidence. Is there evidence abounding that people like us - like the 3rd guy in the group of college friends - can keep drinking, and it somehow gets better? The only evidence I've seen of that is MAYBE with some meds. But even then, its' not the same as changing ourselves magically into the girl who could party and stop at HER choice.

I don't know if it helps. I just don't see what continued drinking is doing for you in a positive sense.
DG

[mama bear]

The Whirlpool

Thanks Doggy...your posts always help so much...
I can't drink...it's that simple. I know that...but anxiety kicks in and I cave.....I have no idea why I get so edgy every day about 5:00. My heart pounds, everything.....and I will fight it for HOURS, but it does not go away......

[Bean]

The Whirlpool

Hey Mama! I've also had that Nike slogan going round my head the last couple of days. Great minds think alike. I'm glad this thread is helping you somewhat.

DG: wise words as always. I am thinking a lot about how my life could be and how it actually is as a result of my behaviour. The way I behave and feel when drinking is not congruent with my values, the way I want to be as a person and it prevents me from achieving small things, never mind my bigger dreams and aspirations. And when I look at it like that, I see the TOTAL INSANITY of drinking at all and I agree, it's addiction pure and simple.

Re: ease of quitting. It's NOT easy, that's why I'm here. But I feel it will be significantly easier when I get in the right frame of mind. When I quit smoking years ago, I managed to ride out the cravings because I was so focused on my overall goal to be a non-smoker. But right now with the drinking, that firm commitment just isn't there and that makes me give in extremely easily. I've been reflecting on my 3.5 months AF earlier this year and although I am proud of that and the confidence it gave me, in truth I went into it knowing I would drink again. I also bought some pot because I [I]still[I] wanted a way to get high.

So all this tells me that although I managed that AF time, I hadn't internally changed the self sabotaging dialogue or behaviour. I feel ridiculous to even write this but I notice I'm having trouble coming to terms with the idea of being completely 'clean' and vice free. Again, I don't know why. It seems crazy to want to do things that make me a lesser person than I could be but I do. Maybe a bit like the fat person who complains about not having a partner but never loses the weight because they're afraid of what it will say about them if they do and still don't find someone.

I think I am scared of dealing with hard stuff without a numbing mechanism...although the truth is that a lot of the hard stuff is actually caused by and exaggerated by AL.

Ugh.....round and round I continue to go....... I think I'll get there eventually.

Enjoy your day all.
Bean

[momof3]

The Whirlpool

Bean and Others,

The thing is, the third person (who is me as well) was never a "normal drinker" from the get go. The third person is the one who cannot drink because one drink leads to many.

Bean, It is perfectly understandable that you find stopping for good so hard. This is a disease afterall and until you have some substantial AF time under your belt, your brain will keep telling you that it wants to drink.

Mama, I experienced anxiety, especially in the early evening, for quite some time after I stopped drinking but it eventually went away.

M3

[mama bear]

The Whirlpool

Good to know Mom...that helps....it really does.....
and Bean...I think it helps to think of it as removing a toxin from your life....I try to stay away from toxic people...I absorb them like a sponge......
Hiya Mario......I will NEVER quit quitting

[Guitarista]

The Whirlpool

Hi Bean, and greetings everyone,

Bean, i like getting numb with alcohol, BUT, I like living and feeling a hell of a lot more. There is the difference, and this is my realisation. I am not happy when drinking. A couple of drinks can feel good, sure, but if we don't want to stop, or can't stop there, like me, then it's game on, and the merry go round and circus begins. It can take us a long time to accept this, and acceptance is an important step forward. There is nothing negative in being sober. What are we missing out on? NOTHING. What are we gaining? You fill in this space. I don't know how we get this epiphany, for me it's been through trial and error and not being able to dispute the results, plus being honest with myself and just looking at the evidence/facts, but just remember we are not missing out on anything except more misery. Gratitude vs. deprivation thinking is something to use every day. There's some great stuff on this in our Toolbox thread.

Best wishes. G-bloke.

Hi Mama!

[mama bear]

The Whirlpool

wise words g-bloke...hi back at ya!!