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    #1

    Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

    Hi All,

    I am not new to MWO, not new to sobriety and not new to modding. I have been trying for the past 3 years to get sober again. I had 5 years under my belt and modded quite successfully for a year before life threw me some terrible rough spots.

    Some of you may remember me and to those that don't I look forward to meeting you. I am a binge drinker who is having a very hard time stopping once I start. I have gone through so many personal losses, especially over the past 4 years that my heart is shattered and booze was helping with my pain. I lost my mother, father, brother, nephew, other family members, best friend, and 2 other close friends all within a short span of time that I have been in a constant state of grief. Two just this year within 7 weeks of each other.

    Well, time to face reality and kick AL in the butt. I really started to spiral after these last losses as I couldn't take it anymore and was in fear all the time. I have had blackouts without a hangover, my body was starting to be able to handle copious amounts of alcohol and was needing it. I wasn't drinking daily, but that doesn't matter I was drinking like a fish when I did.

    Sorry for the longwinded post, I have been lurking the past month again and was ashamed and a bit scared to come back. This is indeed a progressive disease and if I don't stop I fear where it will lead next.

    Thanks for reading,
    Peace :l
    Tags: None
    #2
    Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

    Peaceful, I'm sorry sorry for your losses. That sounds just terrible. I can't imagine losing all those people in your life in such a short period of time. We all know in our heads that alcohol doesn't really help a loss, it only makes it worse in the long run. It doesn't bring anyone back just gives you another thing to struggle with once you "come to". You have been here before and know already how great the people are. All I can do is wish you the best and good luck with the next phase in your life. Hugs, Peace

    Comment

      #3
      Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

      I'm so sorry you experienced so much loss in your life, Peace.
      Let's not make you the next loss, ok? What can we do to help you find solid ground again?

      Have you revisited the toolbox?

      Wishing you much strength :l
      Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

      Winning since October 24th, 2013

      Comment

        #4
        Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

        Hi Peacefull,

        What a terrible time you've had. My mum died recently and I can't imagine all those other losses on top of that.
        Time to start nurturing yourself.
        sigpic
        AF since December 22nd 2008
        Real change is difficult, and slow, and messy - Oliver Burkeman

        Comment

          #5
          Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

          Thanks everyone,
          It is time for me, and as sunshine says to not be the next one. I have a wonderful family and so much to live for. I am getting healthy physically and mentally one day at a time.

          Actually I feel more optimistic than I have in a long time, wake up call this week nothing earth shattering just had my eyes opened to the road I was going down.

          Comment

            #6
            Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

            Peacefull, welcome back. I can see where what you've been through would seem overwhelming. We are here for you.

            Best to you.

            Comment

              #7
              Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

              I'm very sorry for your losses too Peaceful. That is one huge load of loss and stress to work through. As the others said al (I speak from experience, of course) does not bring them back and taxes your body exponentially on top of the grieving. I'm glad you stuffed your shame and posted. Better days ahead for you.
              Psalms 119:45


              ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

              St. Francis of Assisi



              I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

              :rays:

              Comment

                #8
                Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                Hi Peacefull, and welcome back from me too. You are on the right path now, and ready to make the change so embrace your new life and try not to feel as if you are giving anything up but poison. I cannot imagine what you have gone through. Me heart goes out to you. But as everyone else has said, you know that alcohol won't help. There's an old saying that may help you: "Nothing is so bad, a drink won't make it worse."
                Good habits breed good habits; bad habits breed bad habits.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                  Hello Peace and hopefully a much more peaceful road ahead. I'm so sorry for the loss in your life and my heart goes out to you. I just bought a book on grief as I am having a hard time dealing with the death of my best friend.
                  Nice to meet you!
                  Day 1 again 11/5/19
                  Goal 1: 7 days :heartbeat:
                  Goal 2: 14 days :happy2:
                  Goal 3: 21 days :happy2:
                  11/27/19: messed up but back on track
                  12/14/19: bad doozy but back on track

                  One day at a time.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                    dealing with losses

                    Hello,
                    I think that it is understandable that you would try to cope with losses using booze. It's not an excuse. It's a bad coping mechanism. So how do you get out of it? Everyone's different but it helped me to think about it in physical terms, to understand what was going on.

                    From Kenneth Anderson's How To Change Your Drinking:
                    • Inhibits glutamate receptor function, causing muscular relaxation, discoordination, slurred speech, staggering, blackouts, etc.
                    • Enhances GABA receptor function, feelings of calm, anxiety reduction and sleep, similar to effect of valium.Raises dopamine, leading to excitement and stimulation, like cocaine or caffeine.Raises endorphins, killing pain, similar to morphine.

                    So you know the reasons why, but also the bad consequences of this bad coping mechanism. A lot of people say that to get rid of a habit it's helpful to cultivate a new coping mechanism. I suggest if you haven't done it already, join a group of bereaved people. I also would suggest counseling. And if you are open to it, hypnotherapy, as this can help you find new ways of coping. They might ask you to think seriously about something. Is alcohol the only way you can cope? Can't you think of other healthier ways? My advice is, give that some serious thought. At first, you may say no. But that is not the case. Make a list and work on this with a therapist.

                    Good luck with all you are going through.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                      welcome. Glad you posted. You have been through a lot.
                      I know for myself alcohol only numbed things down, and I still had to deal with things when I sobered up.
                      There is a lot of support here.
                      Again Welcome!

                      Ive learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. -Martha Washington

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                        Hi Peacefull and welcome back. You have sure been through a lot of loss. Just wanted to join the others in offering support for your journey back to sobriety.

                        DG
                        Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                        Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                        One day at a time.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                          Thanks everyone,

                          Nancy, thanks for the points, it's no wonder booze is used in so many ways. I have had counselling, grief work etc....I think that because I haven't had a chance to grieve one loss before another I felt overwhelmed. As I described it to ppl I felt like a boxer, every time I was getting back up on my feet I was punched in the gut again. Well it's been 5 months since my last loss and it's time to do serious grief/healing work and abstain from alcohol.

                          Saturday morning here and it's great to wake up without a fuzzy head. It was getting to a point where I really never got bad hangovers anymore, but still needed the hair of the dog the next day after drinking.

                          Before I was exercising 5 days a week, now nothing - so today I am going to renew my gym membership and start meditating again.

                          It's time for Peace again.
                          :thanks:

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                            coping

                            Yes, well, when you think of alcohol as a sedative, a drug, it actually is not that hard to understand why we will self-medicate to [initially] soothe ourselves, then comes the backlash.

                            It's not going to be easy but seriously sit yourself down and say, I am overwhelmed with grief, what can i do [healthy] to make myself better besides knocking myself out?

                            Maybe you feel overwhelmed and you call someone?

                            Let's say I ask you that now, realistically is there anything else you can do? Try to list five things.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Was Hesitant to Post but here it goes...

                              Welcome back Peacefull. I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak you have been feeling. I like the way Nancy referred to alcohol as a bad coping mechanism. I'm so glad you are ready to feel better and get healthy.
                              Join us on the daily Ab's forum. There is a lot of support there.:l
                              _______________
                              NF since June 1, 2008
                              AF since September 28, 2008
                              DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
                              _____________
                              :wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
                              5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
                              _______________
                              The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.ray:

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