Is It Too Nice in Here?

[drinkingal]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I don't think this forum is too nice. Usually when someone slips up they beat themselves up plenty so i don't think it does any good to pile on and make them feel worse. I also think posting can give you a bit of accountability but it's not going to stop you from slipping, that happens for our own personal reasons not because the board members weren't tough enough, and the most accountability has to come from within because no one can make us do anything unless we truly want to. I agree with others that a tougher approach would just stop people from coming back after a slip, and that's when they may need encouragement the most

[LibraryGirl]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I think I may have put my foot in my mouth, but be kind. I don't want any harsh judgement.

I have and do credit MWO with my new-found sobriety. What bothered me were some of the posts that kept repeating every day with, well I did it again. I went one day and now I'm drinking. I'm back though and I will be accountable, only to come back again and say, well I did it again.

It is NOT easy for me to not drink. I want to drink. I don't.

[Supercrew]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Thanks for all of the replies, especially the ones that saw my post for what it was...just an observation. I don't think there is anything wrong with this forum, and it does alot of good for alot of people. I was just comparing my experience on one forum as opposed to this one. There is no one right way.

I think as I get farther removed from my last drink and feel the freedom and happiness that sobriety has afforded I do have the tendency to try and be more direct when I post advice for 2 reasons, one the direct approach helped me, but even more so I never really believed that I could find happiness and contentment in a life without alcohol, but now I know it is way more rewarding than anything that I ever expected. I never believed that sobriety would eventually rid me of depression and allow me to be the healthiest I have been in over 20 years. I was so scared of sobriety for so long, and I wasted at least 10 years because I wouldn't commit 100%. Now that I have and I see the results I have a tendency to try to push others because I know what lies on the other side.

Thanks again for all of the replies, and good luck to anyone who is trying to find their own way out!

[fennel]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

LibraryGirl;1279412 wrote: I think I may have put my foot in my mouth, but be kind. I don't want any harsh judgement.

I have and do credit MWO with my new-found sobriety. What bothered me were some of the posts that kept repeating every day with, well I did it again. I went one day and now I'm drinking. I'm back though and I will be accountable, only to come back again and say, well I did it again.

It is NOT easy for me to not drink. I want to drink. I don't.

Congrats on your two weeks!

[KateH1]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Supercrew, I think that you raise an interesting point. When I arrived here in Sept. of 07, MWO was quite different. I was solidly in phase 3 of my addiction to alcohol and my life was out of control. Yes, I still held a responsible executive position, I had not lost my home or family, but damage had been done and I think, had I kept drinking I would be in a grim place today. I am grateful that I found solid support here. Many here were completely comitted to sobriety and many took a no nonsense approach to achieving sobriety. Yes, we did hold each other accountable. We have to remember that the nature of the alcoholic is to make excuses &manipulate others all in our attempt to continue to drink. We do not want anyone to tell us what to do. But, to achieve long term sobriety, we simply must deal with all of these issues. Many of us that were here at that time, are in fact, still sober today. Sadly, only a few of these members still occasionally come back today.

It is true, different personalities and approaches work for different people. The proof of what works is in the success of each individual, and as fennel mentioned, some people are here to make online friendships and that is their focus. For me, sobriety was my focus, it had to be my focus. I was in a fight for my life! I am forever grateful that I arrived here at the time that I did, and that other members were not afraid to give it to me straight, and when I needed tough love, I got that too!

[Supercrew]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Thank you for the reply and a small picture of the past Kate!! Your past situation sounds similar to mine.

[Unwasted]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Supercrew,

I hope you'll continue to post because you really speak to those of us who respond to that no-nonsense approach. I have benefitted greatly from your wisdom and seek out everything you write. I also am helped by others who have a tender, supportive method. Both actually work for me.

[Doggygirl]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I think there is a lot of variety in terms of "tone" on this forum in the various support groups. By "support groups" I mean threads like the Newbies Nest, AF Daily, AA Weekly, Weekly AF Support, Army thread, etc. There are a bunch. These groups have evolved with their own style of supporting each other. I think those of us who are looking for that sort of group support here tend to gravitate to the groups that suit our style.

AF Daily is a very supportive, no nonsense, AF focused group. I point this one out simply because that is the one I have participated in for years, and that group helped me get sober and stay sober. We have often taken fire here on the forum for offering "tough love." However there are a lot of sober people who post on that thread that are racking up a lot of sober time. We take the pot shots and keep on going. There may be other threads like that too - just speaking to what I am familar with.

So to Kate's point, I think we can all find what we seek here, including no nonsense tough love if we're willing to take that. I know that's what I needed. Or the wonderful part about MWO is that if you don't find what you are looking for, you can start a new group in the form of a regular thread.

DG

[IAD]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Their is more to sobriety than just trying to stop drinking. Some came to drink because of personnel problems, Abuse a lack of self worth. This forum gives you an outlet to express yourself and a way to meet genuine caring people to advice you or become friends with. I've heard the comment before about this place isn't a Shrink Tank or forum, so why bother bringing that problem into the forum. I tell that in most cases people drink for that very reason......if they had had someone to talk too or a friend to give a helping hand, they could of crawled out of the hole they had dug for them self. Just my thoughts......Tony

[LVT25]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I rarely post anywhere except the daily ab's thread anymore. I agree with the others that say there are a variety of personalities here and different forums fit different people. Some offer soft encouragement, and others a more tougher variety. I've always said, take what you need and leave the rest. If we are truly honest, we know what we need--not necessarily what we want.

Thank you for starting this thread. It is always nice to have a thread where people can voice their various opinions. A good old fashioned debate never hurt anyone.:thanks:

[Byrdlady]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

This is nuts!! I agree with everyone! Each post I read, I said to myself, 'yep, now that's what I'm talking about'....each ONE! So maybe the point is that for each person the path is indeed different. I have never read the first book on AL...not the one here nor did I take the suppliments. I did it with the help of the people here. I don't advocate the MWO approach because I really don't know what it is, but I found a forum here of like-minded people who had a problem just like I did. That was my way out...I don't post in other threads, as a rule, I post in the Newbie's Nest, but I read the other threads...there are threads here where I think there is enabling...but that is a choice. I don't think one of us came here thinking we'd have to give up AL totally...we all hoped we could find a way to live with it, get a better relationship with it...at least I did. Unfortunately, I never drank harder than the year I tried to moderate. It didn't work for me....and while I hold the belief that it doesn't work for 99%, it is a path each person has to find for him/her self. I feel tremendous accountability here...I do feel as tho other people are counting on me...and that is just fine. Just as I count on others for help when I need it. I think there is something for everyone...It has been a godsend for me. Thanks for the discussion...very interesting to see everyone's take on this!!! Byrdie

[GingerDust]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

The real life consequences of drinking are impossible to avoid, IME. I don't know that there is anything I could say that is clever enough or compelling enough to be more powerful than 3D consequences. That said, the support offered on the various forums, in the variety of threads, are not as readily available to many of us as the 3D consequences are.

"Confrontational therapy." It does not work the majority of the time. It feels really good and empowering to the one confronting, but at a cost to the one being confronted (the one who needs help). I think that sort of thing is probably better kept in PM, and I would say the same thing of a 3D confrontation. It's better kept private and not made into a public spectacle at a meeting or whatever. I also suspect that, compared to what you find in 3D, a bigger percentage of people who inhabit an online forum suffer from social anxiety anyway, so a gentle approach is even more important.

I have seen a couple people who seem to play around the edges of wanting to be AF and changing their minds, drinking, suffering no consequences and then coming back to talk about it. It did bother me to see that when others were struggling to just get AF, but it's not skin off my nose. I think AA got one thing right for sure, and that is the principle of attraction. Walking the walk sends a much more powerful message than any amount of talk.

Good discussion.

[K9Lover]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I remember making the comment well over a year ago that my frustration lies in telling the same people, over and over, that their "slip" is ok. It's actually not OK. You're either trying or you're not. That being said, many more times, I have seen the true effort on the parts of others that have started over on day 1, and I feel for them. I, too, have messed up countless times, but have always been welcomed back and encouraged by the wonderful people of MWO. There are some people out there though that just want to be told it's OK to keep messing up. Those people, in my opinion, are not ready to commit so nothing we say will change that anyway. I hope I didn't step on anyone's toes with my comments.

[rubywillow]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Great, Ginger.
Some people have nothing good in their lives. All the time. If, as has been said, they find a place they can open up and talk about personal problems, maybe it will give them more strength to fight AL when they actually feel they have support. And, has also been said, no one knows what is done in private, outside of the public domain. Personally, I feel direct, one-on-one discussion about the problem is more appropriate than pointing out problems on the boards. That just leaves the target feeling exposed, IMHO. Whichever way we find to be sober that works, that's our way.

[K9Lover]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

p.s. to my previous post: We also don't know for sure what people really do, we only know what they "tell" us, and sometimes people need/crave attention. And what better group to get it from than MWO? The people here are kind, loving and patient. The majority of people here are really trying, and for the few that are not, I still try to give them the benefit of the doubt.