To My Little Child

[Faithful]

I'm so glad to be back on these forums. I was here before but not for long. The bad bottle lured me into it's trap again and I was gone for the last few years. I went to see a great therapist the other day as I knew I had to stop pretending that I was like a "normal" drinker that just drank too much sometimes. I was sick and tired of waking up sick and tired. And the most ironic thing? I'm a vegan and in school becoming certified as a holistic health and wellness coach! Health is my passion and I love sharing it with other people Crazy isn't it? By day I'm this healthy Type A that's excited about life and wanting to share what I'm learning with the world (except for the 2 day a week average that I'm so hungover I can barely function) and by about 4 o'clock...well, you all know the story. After the therapist asked about my life and I told him about my father who by day was the best pilot ever! And when the plane hit the ground, he would drink until he was stupid. He made scenes, police were called often, he would scream and try to hit my mother and I was the only child left at home and so I protected her. I would tell him that I would hate him if he didn't stop and that would stop him. One time when I was in second grade a friend spent the night. I would not usually spend the night away from home because I needed to protect my mom. My dad came storming in at about 3 am and my friend got so scared, she jumped out of my 2 story window and ran home. She told all the kids at school what happened. I could tell you more but I won't bore you with more details. You all probably could write a very similar story. The therapist told me I should write so I did. Here's what I wrote this morning:

To my little self, the child that hid, the child that protected the parent, the child that was neglected emotionally, the child that never felt like one of the crowd, the child that felt different, the child that looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, the one that only remembers chaos and screaming and fighting, the forgotten kid, the kid that was never really a kid...
I love you and I?ll care for you now. It wasn?t your fault. You don?t need to hide out anymore. You can go for a bike ride, have a picnic, draw pictures if you want and play games. Jump on your mini trampoline, listen to music as loud as you want, laugh out loud and watch movies until midnight. People will like you for just being who you are. We all have a past and you have grown up with hurts and memories that can help you to empathize with other people. It?s OK to let people see who you really are. And remember God loves you too...more than you can ever imagine.

Please welcome me into your community. I need help in my recovery. I never want to poison myself again. I love my life and I want to heal. Thank you for listening.

[Doggygirl]

To My Little Child

:welcome: Faithful! It's good to have you back here. What a beautiful, beautiful letter you have written to your little self. You are absolutely not alone. We are so much stronger togethre fighting AL than we ever could be alone. I'm just glad you are here. As a dear friend of mine used to say (he is passed now) "We don't have to hurt any more unless we want to."

DG

[JackieClaire]

To My Little Child

:welcome: Faithful,

Thank you for sharing you story and telling us about yourself.

Not going to overwhelm you with advice at the moment just wanted to say my hellos.

A visit to the tool box is always a good start, just click on the link below.

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

It's good to have you back. Post everyday if you can, it works I promise.

J x
:l

[lolab]

To My Little Child

Hi Faithful - welcome back...thank you for sharing your story. Keep posting - join us in the newbies nest - there are a great bunch of newbies and not so newbies that post there looking for support in the early (and not so early) days...Check out the toolbox (link in my signature line).

I can identify with you - as I tend to be a bit fanatical about what i put in my body....no processed foods - I'm not vegan - but I am an avid label reader - no GMO's, we rarely eat out - and I try to feed my family clean unprocessed foods. Yet - I poured vodka and wine down my throat daily for years. There's got to be so much behind the "why's" of alcohol consumption - and you're wise to think about all of that too. But early on, I did have to learn when to let go of too much reflection - if it was making me feel too "down"...look at me - haha - I'm not a therapist...

I like the suggestion to write down, too...a computer journal really helped me sort out my feelings at many points along the way...and just writing here - to myself and other people helps me to come to some really profound conclusions at times.

-lola

[Kradle123]

To My Little Child

Hello Faithful and Welcome Home!!

I too lurked for awhile back in the day and then left for years only to find my back to My Way out.
I can so relate to your healthy lifestyle during the day and the drinking at night. Ditto Ditto on my side. I do think however that the most backwards illogical thing I used to do was work out like a maniac and then the second I got back into the car, all showered and relaxed, I'd light up a cigarrette

Even though I knew this was stupid and counterproductive, I just couldn't resist...Welcome to addiction I guess.

I am smoke free now- 14 years and counting.

Anyway, wanted to stop and say hi. Looking forward to getting to know you better!

[Mick]

To My Little Child

Hi Faithful.....you are right al has no preference for creed race color caste class or anything else...it can affect anyone.....welcome come on in and join the boozebusters :welcome: loved your letter ,though I think love is probably the wrong word for such a poignant letter

[Byrdlady]

To My Little Child

I agree, Mick. All I want to do is take that child in my arms and tell her everything will be ok. Me, my sister and brother were in an abusive household. Faithful, your letter is very important to me. I am going to print it out. Thank you for sharing that very intimate story. B

[Faithful]

To My Little Child

Thank you all...it means so much to hear from you...people that understand the pull the AL has on you. My husband asked me yesterday, "What do you get out of being sick (hungover)?" I thought about it for a long while and I realized that when I'm in bad shape, I get to hide from the world. Reminds me of when I was a kid and staying home from school A LOT because I was embarrassed that kids knew about my family. Lolab, I appreciate what you said about not reflecting about the past too much. I haven't really thought about it much until a few days ago. I am in my 50's and in my 20's I made a decision to forgive my father and get over the sadness about my lost childhood. If you had met me, you would have thought I was the happiest person on earth. Recently, I see the correlation between my drinking and the pain from the past. Ready to move on. Had a wonderful day. Went to a raw chocolate cooking class with my daughter and came home and played my favorite music loud while I cooked. I feel great and it has been 48 hours since my last drink. I have no desire to drink tonight....hallelujah! Thank you all again. Last time I came to these boards, I didn't participate much. I'm glad to now. Also, I got to the toolbox last night. Amazing stuff! Anyone needing a little lift? My husband sent me this Youtube video today...ww.youtube.com/embed/mcbHKAWIk3I
It's awesome!

[lolab]

To My Little Child

Hi faithful - how are you doing today?

[mama bear]

To My Little Child

Welcome back Faithful!!

[Faithful]

To My Little Child

Lolab, thanks for checking in with me. I just posted a new thread as I'm going to NYC tomorrow with my sister and grown daughter. They both drink wine (which was my drug of choice) I've been doing great and have had little to no desire to drink in this last week This trip has me a little apprehensive but on the other hand, I think I will be ok. Every time the thought comes into my head, I say to myself, "I don't drink" and it's been working well. I went and checked out the toolbox and it's amazing. Any words of wisdom are much appreciated!

[Byrdlady]

To My Little Child

Hey Faithful...I was just mentioning this very important post to a friend of mine. I wanted ot bump it up so she can see your note to that Little Child. I am thinking of you...and if I can help in any way, please let me know. Hugs! B

[Faithful]

To My Little Child

So I went to New York and I drank with my sister and my grown daughter. We drank "socially" and behaved ourselves. Now I'm home and I'm still at it. Every day I see that the amount is increasing. I love it and I hate it. This is pure madness.

[struggles]

To My Little Child

The same thing happened to me in my childhood, thank you for that story. I, too, started to drink beer again socially two weeks ago and it increased to the point of 18 or more beers daily. I had been AF for two months and thought, I can do this drinking socially thing. I can't. I have closed myself off from everyone and am alone. I make excuses for my "illness" with my kids and struggle with this every morning I awake. Please keep coming on and we can do this. hugs:l

[Guitarista]

To My Little Child

Hi Faithful and y'all,

Lovely letter to yourself Faithful. Thanks for sharing, and i relate to it strongly.

Our emotional growth can often be 'put on hold' from the time we start drinking/drugging and numbing out, until years later as 'mature' adults we realise we have a problem and we begin to address it. All of a sudden we are this 'new' sober person we haven't laid eyes on since childhood, or possibly ever. It can be scary, but exciting too, as we discover that anything is possible when our self abuse stops and we go for an amazing, magical sober life.

Best wishes on your journey. G-bloke.