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[patrice]

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OMG - I'm quite shocked at how many of us have been in the SAME RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAME MAN!!

I so echo Freefly's advice and my experience of getting rid of that negative lump is the same.
I love not arging with anyone, it's so liberating... oh dear, that negative cyclical arguing was so exhausting...that ' when he is going to realise his potential' bullshit so disheartening

Like Freefly too, it took me a while to extract myself but wow when I got over the pain, shock, etc.. I took off in every way and now I would never go back to such feelings of free floating disatisfaction .

mmm.. seems lots of us understand!!

take care
Patrice

[FreeFly]

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patrice;1404941 wrote: OMG - I'm quite shocked at how many of us have been in the SAME RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAME MAN!!

:H:H:H

Good to see you Patrice

[patrice]

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Hi Freefly, I'm here trying, continuing again...like us all
Lovely to see you too
x

[FreeFly]

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Hi Patrice, currently on Eve's 30 day challenge. Come and join if you fancy. Right, off to yoga x

[Alcoholic]

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Patrice: you said it so well, lol!

[ToMyHealth]

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LB - I so feel for you. And I am living the same thing through my dd. She and SIL have been married for 20 yrs. 3 kids. Split 12 yrs ago for 2.5 yrs, then put it back together again. She just moved out last weekend. SIL is not lazy, but she said she is just too tired, too stressed to be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering what will set him off, what kind of mood will he be in, being careful how she says something. For months she has told him she wanted to separate. He cut way back on his drinking, lost 48#, is going to counseling, back to church, etc. etc. really, really trying. He is opposite of your SO in that he always wants to talk, just follows her around, talk, talk, talk, even in middle of night if he can't sleep, he wants to talk. She is just so exhausted.

Without trying to sound glib....my motto has often been if you don't like it, change it.

You are a strong, intelligent woman. Do what's best for you.

((hugs)) TMH

[Marshy]

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LibraryGirl;1404745 wrote: I do not allow people to walk over me, and that is what he tries to do unsuccessfully, and I do not stand for it. Therefore, we argue. Constantly.

Ooo, that rings a bell! I had a relationship where we argued ALL the time because I refused to be controlled. I remember once having a row in a supermarket about what kind of cheese we were going to buy. It was ridiculous.

In the end I just got so sick and tired of it. It was bad for my equilibrium. I didn't want to be arguing all the time, so I ended it. It was an upheaval but I knew deep down it was never going to change (except maybe get worse).

You know you deserve better than this.

[Kradle123]

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LibraryGirl;1404780 wrote: I agree Fly. I am at the point that I want a separation. There's just some ridiculous problems with that. How the hell did I get into this situation!! I swear, if this doesn't give someone pause about drinking, lol. I did meet him when I was newly separated and also drowning my sorrows....no wonder it's not the perfect match. duh. I am just stuck and really don't know where to turn right now.

Hi LG:

Just found your thread. To me it sounds like you're NOT the one who is stuck...HE IS!!

1. No Job
2. No family supporting him...why is that?
3. No real interests
4. No real friends.
5. (and maybe the worst) NO CAR!!

LG if your daughter came to you and said, 'Mom, I'm dating this kind of guy...' I know you would be very alarmed ! :wow:

Forgive me but your BF sounds like a ne're do well, a hanger-on-er who IMO hasn't helped you get sober but has perhaps exploited your drinking so he could lay on the couch with his 60.00 video game and the scream at you when you try to have a conversation. Anyone can say I love you with all my heart but actions in this case will speak louder than his words. That sounds so harsh; I know. Perhaps he is a good person- a really good person. But so are you . You just are not great togther...And THAT is the KEY..IMO. :h

You are so smart, so strong and so able to take the next step. Please forgive me if I sound to crass here. It's just that I have children as you know and I wish to hell I had had your opportunity, your insight before I did what I did!

Still, in the immortal words of Don Corlione: Leave the Gun. Take the Canole...'

Hugs and heart

:l:h

PS: Give him the Honda

[Sunbeam]

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LG, lots of wise thoughts here.

If you are fearful of living alone, have you considered renting a room to a student? You've mentioned that your work setting is in a college. If the relationship isn't great, it is time-limited. I imagine that this arrangement is better than a room-mate because you set the rules.

[LibraryGirl]

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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the advice and sympathy. I guess I shouldn't have drank last night, lol. I probably wouldn't have poured my heart out on here. Nevertheless, it's all true. I know I have to do something, but it won't be today. It will work out one way or the other. Thanks again.

P.S. That's a good suggestion Sunbeam, but I don't really crave non-romantic company living with me. I like my privacy too much to take on a roommate. Especially a college student. Then you would all have to listen to me really complaining, lol.

[Slaythefear]

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LibraryGirl;1404745 wrote: LOL, sunflower. I don't expect to ever have a perfect relationship. I know it takes work, but it shouldn't be this hard. Every day I have to think about how I say things in order not to get a negative response. It seldom works. I can make the most innocuous comment and it turns into an all-out war. He's made me think that I'm the one who's unpredictable and I've been second guessing myself. I know, I know this is not right, and that I wouldn't be so sad and angry if it were.

EDIT: Let me preface all this by saying I am a very STRONG woman. In case you wondered. I do not allow people to walk over me, and that is what he tries to do unsuccessfully, and I do not stand for it. Therefore, we argue. Constantly. I am not normally this way, but I'll be damned if I just crawl meekly to a fucking corner when I'm being talked down to. Sorry for the language, it seemed to work best.

DON'T! Talk when i get back in town. Just taking a quick peek on my tablet at dinner out. I understand what you are going through. Hang in there. What you are feeling is pretty normal.

Love,

Slay

[FarfallaP]

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Hi LG,

One of the things which keeps a relationship going for the long haul, IMO, is having shared goals. And, since figuring out our own goals is a daunting task, getting together with someone else who has similar goals can be tricky!

Many couples DO share a common goal of "nest beautification." Many others do not share that goal, but share other goals...having children together, perhaps. Long term companionship is another goal many couples share. Financial independence/security is another goal many people share.

If these long term goals are important enough to both people, then most folks who like company more than solitude tend to work out the kinks. Over the years, our buddies who were OK with solitude as young adults have almost all stayed single as they've gotten older, and I think are content.

Part of the trouble with figuring out our own longterm goals is that they tend to reveal themselves to us in subtle ways, and it is hard not to get sidetracked by something which is temporarily urgent, such as the electricity bill or the sick puppy...and I concur with whichever poster mentioned trying to imagine yourself five years down the road, with or without this person, or this career...

good luck with your choices, and congrats on how well your career is going! FFP

[pixie]

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FarfallaP;1405597 wrote:
One of the things which keeps a relationship going for the long haul, IMO, is having shared goals. And, since figuring out our own goals is a daunting task, getting together with someone else who has similar goals can be tricky!

Many couples DO share a common goal of "nest beautification." Many others do not share that goal, but share other goals...having children together, perhaps. Long term companionship is another goal many couples share. Financial independence/security is another goal many people share.

If these long term goals are important enough to both people, then most folks who like company more than solitude tend to work out the kinks. Over the years, our buddies who were OK with solitude as young adults have almost all stayed single as they've gotten older, and I think are content.

Farfalla, that was a great insight on long-term relationships, I had never thought about it in terms of goals but that's really sums up one of the main differences between a long-term relationship and something more temporary. I'm trying to understand the problems in my own relationship and this really hits home. Thank you.

LibraryGirl, I hope you are able to work out what you need to with your relationship. It's good to take your time about it, especially if there are any other changes going on in your life. But in the end your gut is usually right.

[LibraryGirl]

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Very wise, FF. Thanks again...We have actually had a nice weekend. Just came in from the golf course, and worked the flea market yesterday and today. BF was able to find some nice items to resell, and we should have a good week (month) ahead. I think I implied that he doesn't work, but he does have an online business with Ebay and Amazon and does quite well with it. What frustrates me is when he gets sidetracked and doesn't work sometimes. Right now he is motivated and that is heartening. Wish us luck.

[Alcoholic]

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Lg:

best luck to you! Look, despite my many complaints about my husband, we are celebrating our 14 year anniversary this week. We take the good w the bad. He's hilarious and can really make me laugh when I am super angry and I, too, have a strong personality. I could not have been happier w another man (grass isn't always greener...). For all we know, MOST of men are video gamers/golfers/or have other undesirable "addictions." But aren't we all addicts and human beings w faults?

eBay is a great business opportunity and I have heard many making lots of money w eBay/amazon business. I often buy things on eBay that I can't buy anywhere else (kudzu seeds for one!!!). So, I'm really glad you've had a good weekend.