Persephone's Ascent from Hell

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hello Day 10! Congrats Persephone! :yougo:

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Rough and tumble day...

I wrote this around noon today....

Today is day 10! for me and it started off shaky to be honest. I'm feeling like Gollum and the poison feels more like 'the precious!' I don't mind acknowledging this as I want to fully feel anything and everything, express, process, explore and ultimately make the right choices. I do understand the 'fake it till you make it/white-knuckle' approach as well, and that is where I started today as I drove in this blizzard to my lovely cabin. The (initial) trigger today is this snow & the idea of cozying up with some warming wine seemed so inviting?I know I'm romanticizing and this is why 'the precious' seems so fitting?Now that I successfully avoided the liquor store, I'm aiming to figure out what's really going on inside me that is causing the deeper trigger/temptation. My initial plan to combat the craving was to read, read, read here on the forum and participate. Today it wasn't so much the words of wisdom that are helping as much as the words of those who are regretful, in anguish for giving in and longing to be free. And my own words on DAY 1?Thanks SO MUCH to all of you for sharing the deep dark places on this journey, as those help tremendously too. When I get to romanticizing sometimes the ONLY THING THAT HELPS is to really remember how I felt 11 days ago - "ALCOHOLISM AT ITS BEST GETS AS GOOD AS THE LAST DRUNK." It's a f'n liar and a thief. Thanks for allowing me to rant/brain drain?it helps.

Since I posted this in NN, I received a phone call from one of my biggest triggers. And THAT added the 'A' to my HALT...I tried to address it, but ended up sleeping for several hours, DID NOT DRINK. Honestly, I'm over that now struggling with emotions related to the phone call. I MUST learn to stand up to this person, hold onto my Self: my Self respect and dignity. I somehow give them the power to bull-doze me down to a remnant of my Self. I don't like admitting this, I don't like it's a struggle that I have. Fortunately, this person is several states away and when it get rough I can hang up the phone...I feel small and weak and discouraged with myself...

It is day 10, the day is kicking my ass, but the alcohol isn't and that's a GREAT thing! Love you all & thinking of you fellow MWOer's. Thanks for your support.

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Way to go. I know it's hard. You'll have days like that. And you found a way around the craving. Sleep! I know I went to bed at 7pm a few nights myself. Don't deny the emotion you're feeling. Don't fight it, feel it. It's okay. We get so damn used to not feeling anything that we have to relearn how to let our bodies respond to emotion. Do you feel tension in your body? Tingling? Pain? Numbness? Assess yourself, see what's happening with your physical body, be okay with it, and move on. You're right where you need to be. :l

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Fly, yep dealing with emotions really is difficult some days. The particular person involved is a huge trigger and i almost feel it's best to avoid him altogether right now. The priority is staying sober. I cannot risk this for anyone or anything. How are you doing? Thanks for your support!

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Day 11

Today is another difficult day for me; day 11 though! It's my own fault, I should have gotten out of the house, put myself around people and stepped away from the isolation. I didn't feel like posting at all, but it's part of my accountability commitment. Here are some of my thoughts today:

One of the things that has really helped me over the last couple of days is just reading random threads: people who came here for a day, a week, a few months and left their stories about things they've done while wasted; they shared of people they've hurt; children, spouses, family they've devastated...I don't mean to use their misfortune as a 'help' per se, but holy crap, I am one drink (because 1 leads to ? for me) away from THAT fate! It TERRIFIES me! I've already allowed that mother-F'r to rob me of years and experiences that I can never get back! For me, I can no longer trivialize, or justify or persuade myself that I can ever navigate through it again without potential catastrophic consequences. It feels like life or death to me...one more binge and who knows where it could land me...I can't risk it and I hope none of you do either...It's not romantic and it's not a loving, caring friend. It's a lying, thieving bastard that ONLY TAKES FROM US. Sure, it's in disguise as a warm, comforting, mind-numbing bubble that we can safely escape within. All the while its sapping the life force out of us! While reading and writing this I sat there weeping. I HAVE to hold onto this very serious reality, it's imperative to my sobriety. It makes me very grateful that I still have the opportunity to make this choice.

Another brain-drain rant. Sorry, but it had to come outta me. Thinking of all of my fellow sobriety seekers and those of you who are actively struggling. All the best to all of you. Cheers to another day, poison free! :h

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

How are you doing today?

[paulywogg]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

hey pers,i always wonder where those people go,the ones who signed up,shared their stories,stated so strongly they wanted to quit drinking then poof,theyre gone,you are doing real good im happy for you

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Hi FlyAway and Pauly, I'm doing well today. How are you both? Really, really appreciate you checking in on me and supporting. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you...

Don't know Pauly what happens to the many who don't stick around, it's a true bummer to think about.

Just finished the movie Flight...seriously heavy movie and spectacularly acted. Denzel plays a major alcoholic pilot. I recommend for sure.

For some reason I'm really tired tonight and nothing super eventful happened, so I'm off to bed.

Cheers to another day poison free! Hope you both have a fantastic Thursday...take care.

[FlyAway]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Thanks for checking in! After I posted here I saw that you posted in the Monthly Abstinence section, so I felt relieved. I get worried when someone is missing, but I'll look for you there from now on.

I have heard from several people that Flight is a great movie. Will have to watch it.

I'm so glad that you're still going strong. Stick with it. It can be hard at times, but it is worth it. :h

[Persephone1]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

THANKS FlyAway for keepin' an eye on me...much obliged:l

I posted this in Fab Feb Friendships, but gonna post here as well to keep up on the 'journal,' sorry for being redundant!

...Well, it's day 15 for me, that's 1/2 of a month! Can I have 1/2 a hat and maybe a sparkler? :Hha!...

With the exception of a few significant 'triggers' surrounding the Ex, I've managed pretty well. Though I've been reading threads of those who have gone before me and it appears that THE WORST is actually YET TO COME! So, I don't know whether to feel challenged or fearful...maybe a bit of both? Although, I'm beginning to see Fear as a true thief of all things positive. If I don't face it, I'll never know 'what if?'

As I sat outside sipping coffee I looked around and noticed the beautiful surroundings of my home in a new way. I felt as though I was walking out of deep, dense fog. Things are beginning to come into focus, look brighter, sound sweeter, taste better. And it occurred to me in that moment that maybe this is precisely why it gets harder...there is an excitement that comes with 'new' sobriety. We've been living in the dark gray space for so long that coming out of it can be exhilarating! However, once it becomes 'the norm,' THEN WHAT? Then its just back to 'life as bloody boring, monotonous, meh.' We are off the roller coaster, so to speak.

And if I'm REALLY honest with myself there is a whole lot of re-organizing and 'attending to' that needs to be done in preparation for the the next phase of sobriety and living a 'normal' life in general. Thus, my commitment for the upcoming week is to BEGIN to build a life that I've longed for. All these years, all these regrets of the shoulda-coulda-wouldas. I cannot go back in time and change a thing. But I CAN start today to have the life I've always wanted. I know it's not gonna be all peaches and roses, that IS life. I have learned over the years that for all things there is a season. Change is inevitable. The good, the bad, the in-between, none of it stays on infinitely...I want to learn to be present in whatever the circumstance, however difficult or pleasant. I don't want alcohol to be the focus, whether that be obtaining it or avoiding it! I know it's a tall order and I will try to be gentle with myself. Once one becomes aware, 'blissful ignorance' is off the table.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend. I have a deep gratitude for each and every one of you. :thanks: XOXOX :heart:

[paulywogg]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

wow pers congrats on 15 days! you sound so positive,its great to read that,yes it is an awakening feels like im seeing things for the first time again,some of its good,some bad but at least its reality,not that haze we were in like you said

[Guitarista]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Persephone1;1459835 wrote:

Though I've been reading threads of those who have gone before me and it appears that THE WORST is actually YET TO COME! So, I don't know whether to feel challenged or fearful...maybe a bit of both? Although, I'm beginning to see Fear as a true thief of all things positive. :

The BEST is actually YET TO COME! And you are already seeing it.

Keep it going Persephone! :goodjob:

[kuya]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

Perse.....the WORST is well and truly behind you.

BEING DRUNK AND HUNGOVER IS THE WORST I EVER FELT.

QUITTING is nothing compared to that half life of misery, depression, anxiety, illness, and terror.

When you read about work ahead remember this applies to learning ANY skill.

When you watch an accomplished figure skater and decide to start skating do you think you are going to acquire their skill in a month?

I counsel you to see this as a process to which you commit daily.

The impatience, and to be frank, childishness of some people, is the root of failure.

I committed FOUR HOURS DAILY for twenty years to becoming an alcoholic, I am delighted and very grateful that getting HAPPILY sober only takes a few months.

I will give the process what it deserves to earn the sobriety I deserve.

[Sunbeam]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

I'm not sure where you picked up that "worst is yet to come" thought, but I'm sure you didn't make it up. After 30 days I think complacency can hit, and/or you slowly realize that you need to figure out how to live AF for the rest of your life. But the best of your life is truly ahead. You are in charge and have endless choices in front of you.

[techie]

Persephone's Ascent from Hell

kuya;1459989 wrote: Perse.....the WORST is well and truly behind you.

BEING DRUNK AND HUNGOVER IS THE WORST I EVER FELT.

QUITTING is nothing compared to that half life of misery, depression, anxiety, illness, and terror.

When you read about work ahead remember this applies to learning ANY skill.

When you watch an accomplished figure skater and decide to start skating do you think you are going to acquire their skill in a month?

I counsel you to see this as a process to which you commit daily.

The impatience, and to be frank, childishness of some people, is the root of failure.

I committed FOUR HOURS DAILY for twenty years to becoming an alcoholic, I am delighted and very grateful that getting HAPPILY sober only takes a few months.

I will give the process what it deserves to earn the sobriety I deserve.

Excellent post kuya!