The Kradle Will Not Fall...

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Sweet Kradle!

I am so proud of you for riding out the cravings...I know it's not easy. Sometimes the only "answer" seems to be hidden in a bottle...but we both know where that leads. You beat the Beast AGAIN! :happy:

I hope you're doing well! I'd love to go to the San Diego Zoo with you I haven't been there in many years, I just know that it's HUGE! I hate to see animals in captivity, but many of them were rescued from far worse conditions.

Hang in there my dear friend :h

[SoberSoul]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Kradle, catching up on your thread. About Matt, I've been there as you know and my sister in Seattle is just now seeing the other side of teenage rage with her 17 year old son. Please believe me that he needs to say these things to push you away so he can feel independent, grown up and not needing you. It's a painful part of his journey and will be, eventually, what he will feel bad about later. Remember, even with kids, it's not about you; it's usually about where THEY are in their lives. Ditto for your husband. He must be feeling insecure about himself and punishes you to make him feel like a better parent. Really, it's true.

I am babysitting "Laughin' Jack" as we call our 5 month old grinning grandson all weekend. Lucky me!! So I will have lots of time to communicate if you are up for it.

That is a part of not drinking that is a real kick to the head for us, isn't it. Actually feeling the pain we've been trying to mask with alcohol. You have been so successful and hard-headed and that is a reflection of the strong, forward-looking woman that you are. You are willing to walk through that scary, dark forest in order to get to the beautiful, sparkling river that runs on the other side of it.

I wish I had half your resolve. You are my hero. You stay connected rather than bury your head in the sand as some of us do. You are a success story in the making, my friend. Hang in there.

Love ya

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

SoberSoul;1570434 wrote:
That is a part of not drinking that is a real kick to the head for us, isn't it. Actually feeling the pain we've been trying to mask with alcohol. Love ya

Isnt that the arrow flying right thu the heart of it all, Dear SS ? For me, I wasn't even AWARE that was what I was truly doing. It just never occured to me that all my failures, all my pain was simply a reflection of walling off 'life' as most people come to live it.

"Laughing Jack sounds adorable :h How's Sophia?

I am up way early..it's 4am here. Thinking of calling you in your 3 hour ahead time zone! :l
I'm just up worrying really: Worry about Mathieu, worrying about Money, the girls...this house...I will say though that I do find a nugget of peace in there knowing that I don't have to worry about being hungover and feeling even MORE unhappy with myself :goodjob:
There! I gave myself a Good Job!

As for Matt, I woke up thinking.. 'You know (and you're spot on here) Matt insisting that he doesn't like me as a person is nothing more than Mathieu not likeing himself as a person...seems sort like a Duh moment to me now and Gee, who does that sound like...?
Well, I'm going to read some and then maybe try to catch some more sleep before everyone rolls out of bed. I'll Text you later, sweetie.
:l

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

DreamThinkDo;1570302 wrote: Kradle,

:goodjob: on not giving in. See it as exercising your sobriety muscles.

Stay strong, please?

That's about all I'm excerising these days, Dreaming:H I really do need ot get back onmy firness track. :l

[DreamThinkDo]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

:goodjob: on the :goodjob:

Re the fitness: don't know when I did a bit of anything that even vaguely resembles exercise. Will ease myself back into walking tomorrow.

Have a good day!

[Sake123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Kradle - Just wanted to stop by and say "GREAT JOB"!!! Temptations sneak up at the oddest times and places. Ignoring them or working through them is freaking hard! But you did it! :-)

[SoberSoul]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hi Kradle. Sorry I keep going to new posts and your response didn't show up until today, Monday. Jack was a blast but was up quite a bit at night. Sofia is still awaiting mote tests How in it going today?

[Kradle123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Okay, well this is supposed to be my record so... Tonight I am in just too much pain for myself. A bigger person could bear it I'm sure. :goodjob:

I've spent much of today looking at disgustingly overpriced programs for Mathieu..Wilderness programs...Boarding Schools for defiant teens...spiritual programs in Utah, Idaho, Arizona..any fricken state with parental rights because our assinine state (Washington) has decided that Matt has the RIGHT to refuse treatment and assesment but I still have the RESPONSIBLITY of caring for him..BS :help!

Hubs is just depressed beyond words...He's ferrying the kids...barely talking...He's so...disgusted...He keeps saying that his worst nightmare has come true...That he is raising a mini him...:upset:

He went tonight and collected a student form Matt's school who will help him get his assignements done for Friday. Apparently (no shit Shelock) he has done barely anything so far this school year and at conferences....ALL was revealed...like I needed to be updated. Christ I have been telling them this since the get go..

But to be fair to them to them, Matt is so....ridiculous. He's super bright and we are a good family...Sorry but we are...and he is just... a spoiled little shit....or something And the fact that he has done virtually NO ASSIGNEMNTS since school stared in SEPTEMBER...is really nothing new... I don't think this kid has done any work since 2008

So here I am am : Hating not my drinking but myself. Because no way in hell did the drinking produce THIS!

Well.. it produced my choices in ... people like my hubs... but....then it gets confused so ...

I had this little girl over to my home tonight to help Matt and geuss what..?
She is from a household that would have been featured on Maury Povich back in the Day..Mom is a Meth Head - I had her little sister telling me that the dad just got back from jail tonight for not paying child support for 2 other 'half' bloods as this 12 year old called them. The gal helping Matt is about 15 and a straight A student apparently and the teachers at Conference tghis afternoon suggested she could help hi finish all these 'undone' assignments... Great!

Well.. She had to come tonight with her 'younger sister..' Because...becaseu..well. I hane NO IDEA WHY... becaeu thank yo very muchDon't even ask me how this shit happened tonight...I was just getting home from dropping the gilrs at Dance Class and hubs calls to tell me he is picking these children up in an attempt to get Matt's work in by Friday...The Older sister is a sraight A student depsite Dad and Despite Mom so if my son want to say that he can't do his homework or he has to smoke weed becasue his mom drank alot for several years and he had to endure marital fights and ...well Okay some' not goodness' well... sorry But thes echildren had som ereally NOT GOODNESS to contend with and Guess What! They are OK...well...so to speak.

So I couldn't SKYPE but I i got to connect with Nora and yes, I dragged out a rum and tonic. My heart Hurts...It's a huge canal like heart. I have the Gohonzen open in the Budtsadan and I am chanting which always calms me right away...

Butr What I am coming away with this evening is that I am not so ashamed of my drinking... I am completly ashamed of me... I think I would have been a complete failure any way you played it.

Okay well, not a COMPLETE failure but not too much better....

[NoraC]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kindle, you are NOT a failure. You have done everything in your power to help Matt. I think finding a place for him to go would be a good idea. Somehow,something has to get thru to him and maybe that will. Listen to me.....you are a wonderful person. You are not a failure by any stretch of the imagination.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I'm sending you so much loving thoughts and positive energy tonight. I hope that you can feel it surrounding you.:l:h

[gettinitright]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Ya know you can lead a horse to water but ya cant make em' drink! Our kids are like that too. Crap, I'm a preachers daughter! Neither of my parents drink. Never had booze in the house. You aren't a failure any more than my parents are. You do the best you can with what you have at the time.
I think a treatment facility maybe just what Matt needs right now. Much love to you.

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle :l

You are NOT a failure....you are NOT!!! Matt knows you will be there for him NO MATTER what he does, so he doesn't make much of an effort to do anything. Those girls with the meth-head mom probably realized at an early age that it was all up to them if they were going to accomplish anything. Sometimes our unconditional love for our kids backfires on us. Sorry I don't really have any advice, I think you're doing a great job considering the circumstances. I have the utmost respect for you. I love you dear friend...hang in there! :h

[Sake123]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Kradle - I will agree with you on one point, Coming from a fellow Washingtonian...Washington states laws/policies etc SUCK!!! LOL! :-)
You are NOT a failure and Matt is a teenage kid with issues. He's not the first nor the last. But he is yours to deal with. Hopefully you can find a good program out of state. I have heard really good things about the survivalist programs in Idaho. I've known a few people that went through them YEARS ago. Your son is lashing out for whatever reason (real or imagined). All you can do is take care of yourself and treat him with honesty and love (tough love - in this case).

Try to remember that all these obstacles are going to be there. Regardless of whether you drink or don't. Every alcoholic I have ever know has been riddled with shame and guilt. The good news is there IS hope. I think the longer we stay away from the drink...the clearer our judgment becomes. And we start to see ourselves as people who make mistakes. But we are learning from them and making better choices now. And I also have to believe that with time, we become more compassionate toward ourselves and others.

You're not a bad person...you're just in a bad spot. There is a difference!

I hope you can find some answers soon.
Take care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness.

[K9Lover]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

p.s. Kradle, you know from a different thread that my Sierra is having all kinds of mental issues. My first thought was because I am an alcoholic. We always blame ourselves, that's what moms do. I have finally convinced myself that what she's going through has nothing to do with my drinking, it was going to happen either way. I'm just thankful that I'm sober now so I can deal with it. You can do it too...I have faith in you :h

[kronkcarr]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

Hey, Kradle,

Iive been thinking of you and wondering how you and your family are doing. Let me know, will ya?

So, you hate yourself? I've been in that neighborhood too. At least it's a place to start! Maybe that's a bit of humor--I'm not sure, but it may be a revelation.

I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

[FlyAway]

The Kradle Will Not Fall...

I'm thinking of you Kradle. :h