So, 23 days, and the tears start!

[kambob]

Morning folks.

Now I can't say that I was expecting the AF ride to be totally without hiccups, but the last day and this morning have been horrendous. I can't read or see or even think something without tears welling up in my eyes, and extreme anger bubbling under the super-calm and collected veneer.

Funny thing is, it's not alcohol or the lack thereof that I'm sad or angry about. It's all the other shit I've been through in the last twenty-odd years that now seems to be coming to the surface. All the times my family (not my kids) turned their backs when I asked for genuine help. (example, me being hospitalised for severe depression and undergoing ECT years ago, and not one of my family stepped up with an offer to care for my kids (then aged 11, 13, 15 and 17). They had the time and financial resources to do so, but the kids ended up having to look after themselves. Even if they'd just fucking called the kids every day to see if they were OK??). (My husband had committed suicide two years before, and I was spiraling right out of control...funny that!)

I'm not going to bore you shitless with my list of 'slights' (either perceived or real) or the hardships endured over the years, but today I've got a very bad dose of the weepies. All the years I condemned myself for being the dirty, rotten alcoholic who was to blame for every damned thing wrong in this world, and suddenly the realisation that I was so damned brave and strong to have survived it at all.

I'm not going to drink today. I know this too will pass. But I'm not going to work because my eyes look like pissholes in the snow and really don't need people asking me if I'm OK every five minutes. :H

I've run out of tissues....gotta go get the dunny-paper now. :nutso:

[Byrdlady]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Kam, your emotions will be ALL over the place until you hit around 30 days! Don't ask me why, but after that you will even out a LOT! If today is bad, tomorrow will be great! You will never have 2 bad days in a row! Stay the course, you are doing great (believe it or not)! You absolutely did the right thing in coming here and getting it out. I will look for you tomorrow and see how you are doing. PM me anytime if you need to, ok? Hugs! Byrdie

[kambob]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Thanks Byrdie....I appreciate the support! It was just so unexpected (hah) but it actually feels quite good (in a perverse way) to be having the chance to wallow in my tears. Geez, even writing this I'm bloody-well sobbing! ROFL

It's a gorgeous day outside (blue skies after days and days of rain). It IS good to be alive and AF.

:thanks:

kambob

[Byrdlady]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

You know, these are all unfamiliar feelings to us....we've numbed ourselves up so much over the years that we don't know how to FEEL! It's weird!
There's an M&M's commercial on tv you remind me of.....the Red M&M says "it hurts but I kinda like it!" Getting back to normal is such a good feeling...
Siren wrote a wonderful post today you might go find...about letting go of the past...it was very powerful!
I am thinking of you.... this is growth! xo, B

[learningtolovewinter]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

You are right in recognizing you were brave to survive it all. Brave indeed. My cousin went through similar situation & was not as brave. Now her children are orphans. You must stay the course. Bless you & your family!

[NoSugar]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Dear Kambob,

You have been so upbeat and strong these last few weeks that while I really admired you, I felt like a big weenie when I thought about some of my emotional breakdowns over the first month, including sitting in a Starbucks far from home with tears running down my face, typing as quickly as possible on an iPad (which for me is not too fast) to MWO friends, and wondering how I was ever going to get through this. It wasn't because I wanted to drink, either, but like you, I was just realizing things about myself and my life that I'd avoided for several years.

Even though it hurts and makes you mad and sad and crying gives you a headache and a clogged nose and if you happen to carry this out in public, it is pretty embarrassing, it can be one of the best things to happen to you! Buried crap just weighs so much - you don't even know how much you are carrying around day after day. Now you're getting it out there where you can either deal with it or decide it isn't that important and you can just let it go. Either way, it no longer has to be your daily burden.

My follow-up crying performance was several days later in the grocery store... But again, once it was over and I had gotten some MWO counseling, I again felt lighter and generally better and more positive about the future.

My guess is that you have just passed a big milestone in your healing! You have a right to be hurt and angry about those incidents. Go ahead and FEEL IT! My mistake was never showing emotions that weren't pleasing or would make others uncomfortable and then all of that just festers. (Now I'm sharing my emotional meltdowns with strangers in coffee shops and stores :H !).

You are doing great, Kambob, and all this gives me even more confidence that YOU ARE GOING TO GET THIS DONE. ! :h NS

[kambob]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Geez NoSugar....there I was finally all dried up, and you go and post that and my blubbering starts again. I think it's gonna be a long day! :H

You're right though. Everything about the last few weeks had just been a bit too easy, physically and emotionally. While I've had my loins girded for cravings and stuff, I wasn't yet prepared for the 'feelings' to come and whack me upside the head. Just goes to show ya, one should always expect the unexpected.

And you're also right about me having the right to feel disappointed and hurt by things that have happened. I'm not going to confront family etc about things, too long ago and much water under the bridge, but it's OK for me to acknowledge to myself the hurt it caused. In fact, amidst all the tears, I'm feeling pretty bloody OK right now.

Thank you so much, both to you and LearningToLoveWinter for your kind responses.

kambob

[Pinecone]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Hi Kambob, I just wanted to send you some support. First of all congratulations on your three weeks of AF time, that's wonderful. We all deserve a mental health day sometimes. I think it takes us a long time learn how to be sober people and accept life as it comes at us. I catch myself pulling away from some situation with the attitude of "oh f--- this," and I have to calm down and realize that that is a holdover from the way I used to self with things when I was drinking. There is not a shred of doubt that the AF life is for me, but real life can get pretty raw sometimes too. And I have to remember that I probably turned to drinking because I wasn't great at facing things in the first place (among other reasons). I'm so glad you are committed to just staying the course, even when it is rough. You will never regret that decision.

[mama bear]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

sending you love and suppport kambob
this too shall pass...one of my favorite sayings after years of battling depression
you have been through a lot, and you deserve a good cry

[kuya]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Oh my.....what a amazing strong courageous lady you are! Little wonder you drank.

I think it may help for you to look at the lack of support in two ways.

People 'rubber neck' the accidents of life, they want to see, but not be involved....almost as though they fear being contaminated by the disaster. This is why we admire the emergency services personnel. These lookers are cowards, voyeurs. With those who know you personally this sometimes is the result of jealousy.......before your husband's suicide you may have looked like you 'had it all'.
Secondly, people are selfish, many simply fail to see the needs of others as greater than their own.

Being a strong person you dug your heels in and survived, your kids survived, you are now sober. These people now have even more reason to be jealous! :H Plus you have given your kids the best lesson in life ........shit happens but never give up.

Fuck 'em Kambob, you are incredible!

[Guitarista]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

G'day Kambob,

You've got a top attitude I reckon. I won't regale/bore you with my tearjerker history cause we'll all start howling again! :H

It is a beautiful day out there. I'm off to the gym then a run and a swim.

Boozing is a total waste of our precious time and so disrespectful of our true selves and being.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your day off for a bit of 'me' time.

G bloke.

[kambob]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Guitarista;1509275 wrote:

It is a beautiful day out there. I'm off to the gym then a run and a swim.

You're just trying to make me feel totally inadequate aren't you? Here you are doing all sorts of healthy and life-affirming stuff, while I'm here sniffling and snuffling in my self-absorbed pity-party!

:H :H :H

(hope you're wearing a wetsuit...I imagine the water is a wee bit cool out there today!)

Have a grand day all the same.

kambob

[Wine-no!]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Hi Kam
For some reason I missed this post and only came across it today when I wondered where you are and how you are doing so did a search.
I am sorry you were/are feeling so low but agree with the others that it's good to feel these feelings and get them out.
How are you now? I can't see that you've posted since this date?
Huge hugs xxxx

[spiderwoman]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

I've just seen this too, hope you're feeling a lot more positive. In the early days I had to get to the ladies quick sometimes when things hit me. All the things you've numbed seem to flood back with a vengeance but once you've done your crying (and you need to) you will feel so much more positive and calm.

Take care x

[Wagoneer]

So, 23 days, and the tears start!

Hey Kam - I remember that too. I am almost 90 days and that still happens to me. Like Mr. G, I have a past (all the way to childhood well into my 30's) that actually made a therapist cry and say "Man, you should write a book!) lol. Let the tears come. I liken it to cleansing. But in those tears, let the pain wash away as well. The past is the past (which I still have problems acceping) and there is nothing I can do to change what others (and I) did, so I have to focus on today. Focusing on the future sometimes is just too scary for me. Not drink-wise, but life-wise. I am so sorry you have gone through this, but like others said, it is right around this mark in my sobriety where I felt like I was in a constant state of PMS. I still battle the negative emotions every waking moment, but feeling better. Anyway, sorry for the blathering. I wish you peace and calm. Do what you need to do for yourself - whether it is talking to someone professionally, exercising, yoga, whatever you need to do to make yourself whole again. And always remember - We are here to listen always. This place has saved my life. I love these people.

Love Waggy