stop picking off the scab and let go

[spuddleduck]

in the great tradition of new year I intend making improvements to myself. one of the things I am very bad at is letting things go. mr spuds always says I just keep picking off the scab of a wound and not letting it heal.
2 examples of this last year. I ran out of my job in tears after what I considered unreasonable behaviour towards me. right ok, I can be upset about it, get to grips with it and move on. oh no not me, I wrote several emails and letters to the person concerned, only causing myself more hurt as I kept going over it in my mind. im still stewing on it and thinking bad thoughts and bitterness.
the other one I had some very nasty communications with mr spuds daughter, it was also directed at him. without going into it I really don't think we were at fault so why do I dwell on it. I have kept the email and go back and read it.... making myself feel crap each time. why the hell cant I just let this, and other things go.
this is something I have done for as long as I can remember, I still have things stored up in my mind festering where I feel I have been mistreated/hard done by (whether I have or not is irrelevant now). Im aware that this is destructive behaviour but I continue doing it.
please don't say 'get a grip and move on' as I genuinely struggle to change this behaviour. any advice would be greatly appreciated. over the years ive read a gazillion self help books but don't seem to be able to take the advice on board.

[sunshine_gg]

stop picking off the scab and let go

I can relate, Spudling. Thank you for bringing it up.. it's something I ought to look at for myself as well :l

Advice? The only thing I can think of is the serenity prayer... accept the things I cannot change (this includes people, too).

[Jazi's Mum]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Morning, spuddleduck. I can relate completely to what you are experiencing. There are several incidences in my recent past that make my blood boil when I think about them. All the anger and frustration comes back, my breathing gets laboured, my heart rate shoots up, and I'm right back there again.

You don't want to hear: just stop thinking about it. But that is the only way the memories can fade. When a sufficient time has passed the memories, while still there, have a different feel to them.

But if you do keep bringing them to the front of your mind they will never fade, and become bearable.

You might try thinking about how the other person in your memories felt at the time. And how they feel now. Are they mulling over the incident like you are? Probably not. This is all about psychology. Memory and imagination are powerful, but they are simply tools we use to sort out our thoughts and put them into the proper perspective.

It's true that YOU get to choose what memories you entertain. Just like other choices you make all the time, you CAN choose not to entertain those painful memories. Have some other memories ready for enjoying when these bad ones come into your mind. I mean really. Dig up some good things that you would really like to remember and haul them out when you need them.

Don't let memory control how you feel in the present. Sorry for blabbing on so long - I hope you find what I've said helpful in some way.

[mama bear]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Spuds...did you ever attend an AA meeting?? I know you were deliberating about it.
There is so much good talk about forgiveness, acceptance, serenity, etc.
Just a thought.....
or...do you have the mean to perhaps talk to a therapist?? One of the girl that works with me holds on to anger and past resentments and she is so unhappy.... I would hate that for you.
xoxo

[bettygirl]

stop picking off the scab and let go

some people think resentments are the reason people go back to drinking, so good on you for realizing this and working on changing it, spuds! it isn't easy to let go AT FIRST, but once you practice and see how nice it is to live life on life's terms, you will become a person who can live in the moment instead of the past (or future, for that matter!). there is a saying that if you live in the past, you are depressed, in the future, you are anxious, but if you live in the now, you are at peace.

peace!

[mama bear]

stop picking off the scab and let go

I like that!!

[spuddleduck]

stop picking off the scab and let go

thanks all for your advice/suggestions. I suppose deep down I know the answers but don't manage too well to put them into action, and of course when I drink I dwell even more and feel all doom and gloom. I have a few little sayings stuck around my mirror, one being the serenity prayer.. another says 'inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event control your emotions'. its like the whole drinking thing, I know the advice, I know the way to go about it but I just don't do it (grrrrr to me). I hate to admit it but there are even things from 20 years ago that pop into my head and get me frazzled.... hells bells lifes too short for that. I do wonder if some of it is caused by my not saying something or 'standing up for myself' at the time which is something I could do with working on. I know this isn't directly alcohol related but I feel its part of the bigger picture of the problem. I think as well the whole thing about actively choosing how to relate to things that happen. I will no doubt post about this again as I struggle with it.
mamabear, ive not yet been to an AA meeting but haven't dismissed the idea.... as you point out there is a lot in the teachings that relate to this kind of emotion. I went to a therapist a few years ago but I didn't get on with it, I just couldn't talk about my feelings (which is how I am all the time). maybe I just didn't get on with the therapist but it has put me off trying this route again.
im about to start doing some decorating, maybe I should cover a wall with positive sayings and living in the present.
thanks again for all your comments. I tend to go round in circles when I try to reprogramme thought patterns so outside input is greatly appreciated

[Lavande]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Hey Spud,

Do you remember our old friend here greeneyes?
Greenie suggested a book to help me resolve a lot of bullshit that was holding me back & it really helped me Take a look:
Forgiveness - What is Radical Forgiveness? | | Radical Forgiveness

All the best
Lav

[Kradle123]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Spuds, I'm right there with you, honey. :l

I don't know if your familiar with my sons situation but One of the positives his having to go to The Arivaca a Boys Ranch ( a program for troubled teens...) is we start family therapy this Monday. I too have gone through lots of therapy to little avail but this therapy is all based on the Arbinger Principles of Self Deception and 'Learning how to get out of The Box'
There's no question I've been it The Box for years and years and years, I can't even fathom anymore all the crap I can't let go of....:upset:

But I've read through the first book , 'Leadership and Self Deception' and it's unlike any other philosophy I've studied ...lots of self help books over here as we'll!!
The next book is The Anatomy Of Peace and I'm looking forward to it....heaven knows I need some! :H

Have a peek. I'm going to keep everyone updated after Monday...we'll have weekly sessions with The a Ranch counselors. I have a lot hope that this perspective, these tools, are going to be more help than anything I've tried before.
I'll keep you posted Spuds. I know how hard it is.....:l

[sunshine_gg]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Good luck on Monday, Kradle!
Keeping fingers, toes 'n eyes crossed that this therapy is going to help all of you! :l

[Kradle123]

stop picking off the scab and let go

Thanks Sun. I'm really feeling hope for the first time in like...forever... :l:h

[spuddleduck]

stop picking off the scab and let go

thanks so much for the reading suggestions. its always good to have recommendations as there is so much out there. kradle, i'll be looking out for your experience with the therapy, I do hope it is positive.

[kronkcarr]

stop picking off the scab and let go

spuddleduck,

Thanks for the heads up about this thread. I will look into the books Kraddle mentioned.

I grew up people pleasing and it took a long time for me to recognize it. I had to recognize it over and over and stop getting buzzed before I could begin to work on it. The sad thing is a lot of these people that I "pleased" moved on without me anyway.

For me it starts that moment I'm not true to myself and it builds and builds until I finally just say what I mean. And I think, "Am not saying what I want, who I am to be this miserable?!?" And I find the sky doesn't fall. But for me it's taking longer than I thought to change.

[spuddleduck]

stop picking off the scab and let go

kronkcarr, people pleasing, yes that's exactly it. im pretty sure I can place the start of me doing this. ive mentioned it vaguely before. from when I was 7 years old I was very aware that if I did 'wrong' my mum would get the crap/blame for it from my dad and I think this transferred to other situations. don't get me wrong, im no goody 2 shoes doing the right thing all the time and pleasing people all the time. im pretty strong in a lot of ways but I definitely hold back much more than is healthy when it comes to expressing my opinions and standing up for myself. my dad died last year and ive been on a bit if an emotional rollercoaster trying to sort out my feelings and re programme my way of thinking. sometimes I think it would be wonderful to be able to start from year zero, wipe the slate clean and start again with a blank canvas, but I realize that its life experiences that make us who we are. maybe it would just be nice to jiggle around a bit of the crap stuff and be a bit more level.

[mama bear]

stop picking off the scab and let go

I admire you Spuds. Keep working on it love, it takes a long time. At least you realize your issues, unlike a lot of people walking around.
Much love and hugs