Need some help...

[briseus]

I have been doing pretty good considering I will be at 130 days pretty soon but I am not having a good day today and that liquor store is freaking calling my name.
No one understands except you guys!!! And I feel like pulling my gawddamn hair out!! I have been going to AA the last month because I thought it would help me out more but I have had weird experiences there and don't particularly feel like going back. I am on vacation right now too. I have been dealing with a shitload of anxiety and annoying people and am always angry. My boyfriend doesn't seem to get it and his family is annoying me!! And then I text a long time sober person I know only to hear that she is done with AA and is back to drinking and she feels like this way she has found balance. Can I find balance this way?? I am effing HATING myself sober. I hated myself drunk before but at least I didn't have to deal with myself and now I still hate myself but need to think about it all the time sober!!!
I really want to drink right now and forget about life!!!!!

[Samstone]

Need some help...

Briseus
Believe you did the right thing posting instead of caving. I get the sense that it is the outside world trying to influence what have accomplished. Whenever I feel that urge I try and remember exactly why I quit. Not that it just made you feel bad but remembering the last drunk and what went down.

[briseus]

Need some help...

It's so hard Samstone. Because I keep trying to rationalize it all. My drinking didn't take me anywhere bad except hating myself and falling behind in school and hurting my relationship with my partner. I thought everything would be all better once I got sober and it kinda didn't. And I keep just thinking about how the drink helped me forget. I can't seem to try and think back on all the shitty times right now. I don't know why! This is why I am so frustrated right now because......drinking was turning me into a monster but now it's trying to convince me I am a shitty person anyways so why bother with sobriety?? So lost.

[frances]

Need some help...

Bri - you know better than what you are thinking right now. You know you are better without AL. AL is sneaky and deceptive and is making you think life was better then when you know it was not. It might not feel great at this moment. But this moment will pass and you need to get through it without AL or you will be leading yourself back down the wrong path.

It is normal to not feel great all the time. And yes it is tough dealing with things sober but it is FAR better than so-called dealing with things drunk. I know you know that deep down.

I have been feeling crappy and mad lately (at day 113) - wagamore gave some tips on things that might help:

- exercise
- laughing hard/a lot/frequently
- spicy foods
- dark chocolate in small quantities
- complete proteins and omega-3 fatty acids
- other pleasurable things that stimulate "feel good" reactions in the brain, such as massages, hugs, pets, doing simple nice things for other people, being in nature

Also, NoSugar posted this which helped me - maybe it will help you too:

NoSugar;1672566 wrote: Hi, Frances. I tend to go on and on about this topic so I'll try to be brief . When we're actively drinking, we totally screw up the receptors in our brain that register "pleasure". Alcohol is such a strong signal that to deal with all that noise that is just too much, our receptors get down-regulated (an analogy I heard was sticking your fingers in your ears when sirens are going off). The analogy kind of falls apart, though, because when the siren (alcohol) is removed, we can't just take our fingers out of our ears! It takes time to upregulate the "pleasure chemical" receptors and until all that healing occurs, many of us feel flat (or worse). There aren't enough functioning receptors and the loud "noise" that can stimulate what receptors we have is gone (thank goodness). I felt that way around 4-6 months and I think that was the time frame during which Pav had that experience, also. So, hang in there - your brain will heal and you'll start feeling a broader range of emotions from "normal" life events .

[briseus]

Need some help...

Thanks so much Frances - you are right and I needed that - it doesn't mean that the night isn't over just yet...but I will keep rereading what you posted...because...it is the truth! I guess something just 'snapped' in me when I heard from that one girl that was sober for years and then all of a sudden she is now moderating. I was like, 'well, if she can, then I can!' and she was very into AA and such - I remember her telling me that I had my priorities all screwed up...so....
I dunno.
But....I just need to protect my quit...as fiercely as I possibly can right now.
I guess I was just having a really shitty day today...
And you know what I just thought of when you posted about the omega-3s? That since I have gone on vacation I stopped supplementing. I stopped my omegas, my niacin, my glutamine and such - maybe I need to start going back to that again as well.
Thanks for the post.

[caysea]

Need some help...

Hi All

Bri give smart recovery a look over if you haven't already. Many helpful tools there and also a live chat room that is active. People will guide you to there tools. Not an AA 12 step program. They also have on line meetings but they can be very slow at times.

I will say congratulations on the 130 days. This is still early in recovery but don't throw it away. You are working on breaking those pathways in the brain that were changed from drinking. This can only be done by staying AF. Don't reintroduce al to your brain that is the worst aspect of starting over. Ride it out keep posting here.

Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF. 5-16-08

[frances]

Need some help...

Bri - I meant to comment about your friend - I also have a friend who was sober (5 years!) and in AA and decided to go back to drinking. She regrets it. She is constantly obsessed with drinking and she wants to stop but hasn't yet. She said it is much worse than before. She thought she could control it. She can't. She is constantly thinking about the next drink...hiding from her husband and kids...drinking at lunch hour at work...drinking when she told herself she wasn't going to, etc. etc. etc. - the truth is that she cannot moderate and she is learning it the hard way. I would bet money that the same will happen to your friend. I'm not rooting against her - just know this from the experience of so so many before her.

Keep reading posting and doing whatever you need to not to drink!

[Byrdlady]

Need some help...

Bris,
I am having a really shitty day today, too. My best friend has cancer and it looks pretty bad. She has a 15 year old slightly autistic son and his father is not around. Today, she had a scope done of her esopsagus, while the cancer has already taken one vocal cord, she is hoping against hope to keep her other one. The cancer has spread to her lung, hip and spine. THIS woman has had a shitty day. Her choices are few, grim and involve chemo and radiation. She would give absolutely anything to live, and she will fight her best fight.

I wanted to go back and pull one of your first posts, but I am just mentally spent....today, you sound frustrated, but in NO way do you sound like that person in the depths of addiction like you were. Your froend did you a great disservice. I have never met ONE person who was EVER happy she/ he lost sobriety. NOT one. We cannot moderate addiction. NO ONE can. Let it go, accept this amd push those thoughts out. Al has a really loud voice and strong pull. Dont fall for it. WE have the choice not to poison our bodies anymore. My friend does not have this option. We are alcoholics and we must aviod AL at all costs, or it is going to kill us. If you start drinking again, be prepared for your drinking to get WORSE. Be prepared for the guilr, shame and remorse that quickly follow. Get ready for REAL depression and that famialiar sense of hopelessness In only a couple days' time, you will wish like hell you had kept your quit. It is 1000 times easier to maintain it, than to get it back.

If you still arent convinved, I wish you could visit a hospital like I just left ( Duke). See how many of those folks who would give anything to be in your healthy shoes.

Dont blow it. There are a thousand threads on this site of people who did just go look them up. Learn from others.....you CANNOT moderate and AL isn't going to help you feel better. I promise. Byrdie

[spiritwolf333]

Need some help...

HI Bri -What a great first step -to tell on yourself to others. To me, this at least means that you are being real with yourself and that you are continuing to realize that life sucks even worse with alcohol.

Although none of us are sitting face to face, most all of us face or have faced the exact same thing that you are facing. There really is no magic answer to this dilemma -in my opinion. All that I can say is that I felt so-so-so much better the next morning knowing that I did not cave to the Firewater. Regardless of what you end up doing short term, please never give up the fight to be rid of the poison -you WILL BE amazed one day, after just a few months of not drinking, of how awesome life (and your brain) really is *sober*.

[red67]

Need some help...

briseus;1673262 wrote: I have been doing pretty good considering I will be at 130 days pretty soon but I am not having a good day today and that liquor store is freaking calling my name.
No one understands except you guys!!! And I feel like pulling my gawddamn hair out!! I have been going to AA the last month because I thought it would help me out more but I have had weird experiences there and don't particularly feel like going back. I am on vacation right now too. I have been dealing with a shitload of anxiety and annoying people and am always angry. My boyfriend doesn't seem to get it and his family is annoying me!! And then I text a long time sober person I know only to hear that she is done with AA and is back to drinking and she feels like this way she has found balance. Can I find balance this way?? I am effing HATING myself sober. I hated myself drunk before but at least I didn't have to deal with myself and now I still hate myself but need to think about it all the time sober!!!
I really want to drink right now and forget about life!!!!!

Bri, I had the same experience with a long term sober sponsor when I first quit. I was devastated and confused by it. I just cried it out that night and kept pushing forward.

I get confused and frustrated even today when I find out people I thought were serious about their sobriety have gone back to drinking. But you have to protect your own sobriety. Feel your emotions. For years I numbed all my emotions by drinking. It took me over a year to feel normal. You will get thru this, tomorrow is a new day.

Good for you on posting when you struggle, you are doing exactly what needs to be done to make it.

[frances]

Need some help...

Bri - how are you doing today? Give us an update and let us know how you are.

Thinking of you.

[Samstone]

Need some help...

Bri
how you be today... hope all is good.
I meant to comment on your AA mention... I, too, tried AA on a previous quit. It was not for me, It was obvious that the deal was you'll never be cured of a disease (at this particular meeting, can't say about others). What can be more depressing? This time around I realized the "cure" is simple: be happy in not drinking. The implementation is one of attitude and knowing how great it really is to be sober. Hope you are doing well!!
Sam

[daisy45]

Need some help...

Hope you are feeling better Bri......

[briseus]

Need some help...

Hey Everyone...
I apologize for not getting back to you all sooner - I have been having issues with my internet. I just want to first start off my thanking you all for writing me and offering advice. I really appreciate it and it did help me put things into perspective.

I know that what we deal with isn't as bad as other terminal illnesses...of course not...but sometimes when you are feeling great despair...and things aren't going your way...among a myriad of other things, sometimes you can feel a little hopeless and helpless. I think I have been pretty strong the last little while - despite my own health issues as well...and just dealing with my emotions without using that crutch (booze) but yesterday...everything just sort of fell apart. I had a good cry - but I did not drink. I didn't drink...
I also agree that my AA friend wasn't that supportive...I guess to each their own, right? It was unfortunate because we were chatting - and she was just telling me how this thing was working out for her now...and then just stopped talking to me...just didn't send another text and haven't heard from her since, so who knows? It might work out for her...but sometime is telling me that it won't and I am silly to sit there and think that I am different then other alcoholics because I am not and it's my addictive voice that is trying to sugarcoat all the bullshit...I do have to remember to day 1....and I do have it journaled...maybe one day I will post it...I don't think it would help anyone...but who knows.

And yes Samstone...I tried the AA thing two years ago (although then I wasn't ready to quit at all) and I tried it now (started going a month ago) and it just doesn't seem to be working out for me. My addictions counsellor said to me - just take what you want out of it and leave the rest behind...but as I think back on it, I am not sure I am taking *anything* from it.
I am happy in not drinking - I am.....
Just some of those tough days...you know they can get to ya.

So I am still sober.
And I am doing OK. And I couldn't have done it without you guys. So thank you again.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Need some help...

But....I just need to protect my quit...as fiercely as I possibly can right now.

Hugs, Bri. :groupluv:

Patty