the toughest battles ~ the anxiety thread

[abcowboy]

Bri, anger was my biggest trigger as well, it took a few sessions with my counsellor to understand it though. She had me keep an anger diary for a week. I was to write down each time I became angry, rate the anger on a scale from 1 to 10, then write down what I did because I was angry. After the week was up and I read back over it, I realized that I usually got angry over things I couldn't control. Just like Jackie said, I also wanted to change things that I had no control over! Instead of just letting it go, I became frustrated then angry, and there was the excuse I needed to get drunk...

At our follow up session, She asked if I saw any pattern to my fits of anger. I told her about the control issue, and that I found that in most cases, I let frustration build to anger. I let frustration stew in my head until it built to anger. So the lesson I learned is that I have to deal with the situation at the frustration level, do what I could or just let it go, not let it build to anger. It's becoming easier and easier to do that now. The minute I feel frustration taking over, I stop and look at the situation, is there anything I can do about it? If there is, I do what I can in a rational way, if not, I just let it go......

[briseus]

Jackie - thank you for taking the time to respond, I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough go with dealing with your husband's untreated ADD. I did see your other thread and I hope that someone was able to PM you and give you some advice.
I have no doubt in my mind that I am a sensitive person...actually, I KNOW I am...and I also can relate to what you are saying about being unable to watch violent movies...or even the news! Not only does it really bother me, but it feels a lot worse with the OCD - as I can latch onto it and become obsessed...much to my dismay, I oftentimes cannot help it. That's why I drank...because then I wouldn't think about it. Because when alcohol hit the bloodstream, the other part of my brain KNEW that what I was doing was completely irrational.
And yes...that's probably a big problem for me too...being unable to control things that are simply out of my control.
Thank you for listening Jackie - it did help to know that you read my post...and that you can relate...

Cowboy - I totally get what you are saying, as I mentioned ^^^, I do have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that sometimes I can't control things as much as I want to. And it's totally true for me as well, I get to anger from feeling that level of frustration that I do not deal with. Yesterday, I was being a little bit irrational in my argument with my SO...I saw what I was doing. I sat there, frustrated, then angry then raging! Next thing I knew, I blew up at him and was in tears (for the stupidest reason as well might I add but f**k, Saturday's are one of the worst days for me...and I was having a hard time in general)...
I saw it coming. Instead of dealing with the situation RATIONALLY, I let my emotions get the best of me, I allowed my anger to get the best of me.
So I know that this is something I need to work on as well.
I don't think that I dealt with it smartly...or well...because I still feel a little "off" with the way things happened yesterday...
But at least I didn't drink.

It's funny...because I thought about it....and I totally could have...but I knew that I couldn't...like, I COULD NOT do it...as much as a small part of me wanted to...because this time I really want to handle things differently.
It's funny, it was always my downfall before. I have to be mindful of that. Always, when I am close to the 30 day mark (when I'm in the 20's-ish) I have an anger blow-up that has always led me to the booze.
Can't do that this time...won't do it.

Gawd, I HATE that feeling...anger is so raw and visceral...
I think next time I gotta punch a pillow...I feel like it's a physical emotion that needs to be let out physically - therefore, I am going to pound the pavement today...need to get the remaining crap OUT before my mind begins to wander elsewhere.

Thanks guys.

[briseus]

Anxiety kicking into high gear!!

So...today, I have my psych appointment. One hour away. I am really hoping that he works with me today. The first time he said I had to get thirty days sober, I slipped up and he didn't help me...said I needed another 30 before he could. So I really hope he does. Because I am not sure I can deal with this anxiety and OCD for another month on my own. It's really getting me down and I don't want to be depressed. It's just a struggle.

I told myself in the beginning that if I make it all this time and he doesn't help again that I would go back to drinking.
But where would that get me?? Back to square 2?
Never square one because I have come too far the last year and a half.
I know it makes everything worse. So I cannot go back to that. So if he can't help I am really going to have to reach deep down inside and muster up the strength to persevere.

I just hope this appointment goes well. I really hate this anxiety.