The Queen of Relapse

[hazeleyes]

Well, here I am again.
I joined 5 years ago, vowing to quit as my life was going down hill from drinking so much wine. Now looking back I see my quits have happened every 6 months or so, which means I went back on my word every 6 months.
I'm writing this after swallowing another bottle and a half of wine last night, and then throwing it up.
I guess I did not learn my lesson and I am still stuck in the same rut. What a failure I am.

So yet again, I am taking up my sword and vowing to fight again against the evil drink. I will take another vow to be free of alcohol in my life, to choose instead drinks that support my health and return me to being happy again. Tea, Coffee, and Sparkling Water will be my new choice of beverage.

I am ashamed of myself, but I will not give up. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity for me to start again. I will start exercising every day, I will eat more vegetables, I will read and post on here with a view to helping others quit, and I will ask God to help me be a better person.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me in here before. Sorry I let you down...I will work on being better from now on.

[Pie]

Hi Hazel, Like you, I found MWO in 2010, but it took years before I shut the door on alcohol. For me, I just had to want it badly enough. Freedom from wine and all that it was doing to me, I mean. Once that happened, wanting to be alcohol free more than anything else, I found my way. You can too. :hug:

[hazeleyes]

Thanks Pie, any tips for how to make my quit stick this time?

[paulywogg]

Hi Hazel,glad you're back now stay put haha sounds like you get really good stretches of AF time,do you get bored and go back to it? I read that a lot,glad you're here

[hazeleyes]

Hi Pauly, thanks for your message. I do get bored, and lonely, and I let a little voice in my head tell me a little wine never hurt anyone. If you watch TV or movies, wine is always included in romance, and dining out, it's everywhere I look.

However, that is no excuse for my relapse and wine is definitely a trap for me. A poison that I need to avoid for good.

Day 1 begins again...

[j-vo]

Hi Hazel,
Nobody's a failure. We fail at things, but we are not failures. Glad you're back. Sometimes it just takes some of us more time to get it that we can't drink or that our life will be so much better if we are patient and give ourselves plenty of AF time which will prove that to us. Acceptance that we cannot drink is an important factor. Taking the drink off the table, realizing there's only two things we can do... drink, resulting in a crappy life or no drink resulting in a quality life. I choose the latter, but it took me a long time to do this. Come to the Newbie's Nest and hang out with long-timers who have great wisdom and advice. And revisit the toolbox! Glad you're here.

[Eloise]

Just want to pipe in Hazeleyes... it took me 7 years to quit.
Only now do I realise how terribly addictive alcohol is.
It is really kind of crazy.
You have to come to that place where you say to yourself 'i don't want to drink anymore, and I am not going to.'
No more games, no more what ifs?
I think we have all been there 'look at me, I did great for 6 months, certainly I can have one little glass of innocent wine!!'
And it starts again. I really do not have much advice to offer, I wish I did. Maybe it is about taking a decision and sticking to it, no matter what.
After 600+ days I only now see how much precious time I have wasted trying to have a good time.
It wasn't that great either.
Nor is life as lonely as I thought it was while I was drinking.
What I am trying to say is, it is all worth it. You are worth it and no, you are not a failure.

[hazeleyes]

Oh, thanks Jvo and Eloise. I appreciate your comments and willingness to share with me.
Gosh I wish I had more answers to how to make this quit my last. I am sick of beating myself up and feeling like a failure.

Deep breath, and begin again... All the wines out of the house. Told hubby I am quitting again, told him I might be a bit irritated. He is happy to support me, but early days.

Now I'm going to do some excercise to get the poison out of my system.

[treetops]

Welcome back Hazel Eyes.
Everytime you think of a reason why to drink or why others drink or what is making you drink - think outside the square and maybe reverse what you are seeing.
For example you mention that wine and AL is everywhere in movies and TV etc and its associated with romance. But if you look at many movies and TV - AL is also associated with horrible things and this shows in many many movies. Its associated with violence, depression, abuse, boredom - just to name a few. Its also the easy answer you see in movies to set up a romantic scene, a family dinner, a business meeting etc. I am not saying AL causes any of this, just as it does not cause the romance or cosy setting. Its what you read into it - or choose to see.

You can do this quit, you have lots of experience so dont write that off. Dont be defeatist and at this time of the year, its a great time to exercise - as you plan to do.

[hazeleyes]

Thanks treetops. You are so right, it's exactly what I am choosing to see and how I Colour the picture to fit my thoughts. I will work on readjusting my thinking.

I need to remember all the good feels I had last time I quit for several months, and how much I achieved, how I lost weight, saved money, made huge progress with planning for retirement, and did it with my darling husband every step. This all was awesome (after the first month), and those are the pictures I need to look forward to again.

[Sunbeam]

Hazel eyes, I believe that quitting has a learning curve for many or most of us. Look at my join date, then my quit date in my signature line. I call myself a slow learner, but it seems to be sticking now. Also take a look at the tool in my signature line. It is the list I used to develop my own. I'm pretty task oriented, and a list of jobs really helped me decide what else to do, most don't just white knuckle letting go of alcohol. You could also make a list of ideas to work on from the whole tool box thread. You are not alone: there is a good thread called Relapse in Retrospect, not too far down here under General Discussion.

[hazeleyes]

Oh great Sunbeam. That is very helpful. I will check out your suggestions and make a list. I use lists for everything and find them extremely helpful for setting and achieving goals.
Thanks again!
H

[Spiritfree]

Hazeleyes- thank you for your post and thank you for your courage to continue seeking a solution to your AUD.

Hazel, it took me over 18 years to realize that I was dealing with a brain disorder and not a moral failing. I did/tried everything in the known universe to rid myself of the cyclical mental cravings of alcohol and nothing ever worked -until I found a medication that would eventually re-wire my brain. (mine was Baclofen, but there are other meds as well). The meds were only a part of my recovery, but at least gave my brain a chance to try and make rational choices.

Alcohol needs you to feel shame, guilt, and remorse in order for to pick up the drink. If you have not tried medications, you might want to consider doing so. --sf--

[daisy45]

Hi Hazeleyes....your first post sounds like it came from me....joined October 2010! I actually look on every relapse as a learning experience.....there has been something different each time. Before I got my solid day 1 this time, I came back here, thanks to NoSugar, and just started posting and feeling part of the group again......it really helped get my mind in the right place.
Some get it right away, some after a few attempts and others, years, but as long as we keep at it I believe we will be happy and sober too.....you are worth it!

[actiongirl46]

Hi Hazel - thanks for your courage in coming back. I've been here on and off for about a year. I hope to see you over in the nest! Good luck on this first week and don't be too hard on yourself.