Back again.... What a surprise....

[ItsJustMe]

Hey Guys -

Well, unfortunately, I’m back. I swear, I do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t have physical cravings at all. It’s all mental. And if I go about 3 days with no Al, then I don’t even have the mental cravings. I went almost 12 months with no alcohol at all. But here is what happens, once I have a drink, my inhibitions go out the window. There is no stopping. And it gets worse. Saturday night was the cherry on top of the ice cream.

Let me start by saying that I am a social retard. I am extremely shy and totally suck at small talk. When in a conversation with people I don’t know, I tend to examine all the details of my shoes. However, get a small amount of alcohol in me, and I turn into a social butterfly - you might even think I am campaigning for public office :-). I mean the difference is between night and day. And the amount of alcohol needed is very little - I’m not buzzing at all. I just feel good and enjoy talking with everyone.

We went to a new years eve party. It was a “racy” NYE type party (I won’t go into details). But it was a two night party at a hotel. It was BYOB and they supply “setups” - ice and mixers. Friday night I had a few drinks but was perfectly fine. We met some really nice folks and had a great time. I was totally in control the entire time and basically just had the “feel good” feeling.

Saturday I got up feeling great. The Saturday night party started at 7PM. We started getting ready at 5:30. I fixed myself a drink. We then went to the dinner part of the party. I was not ‘buzzing’ but I was at that social butterfly stage - introducing us to other couples…. Then at 8 the party started. I started making our drinks. That is about the last thing I remember. As I am told by my wife, she kept offering me water but I kept making drinks - very strong drinks. It appears that I did a few socially questionable things (nothing over the top) but things I’m not real proud of. Fortunately, we didn’t know a sole at the party and it was 2 hours from where we live. My wife finally escorted me to our room where I passed out. I remember none of this.

Here is the strange part - I had no intentions of getting this way. I never felt a feeling telling me “Ok, you’ve had enough - you are about to go over the top”. If I felt that, I would have stoped. I know that. But it never happens. What the heck?

So, when we got home Sunday I was so disappointed with myself, self hatred, that I crawled in bed at noon and stayed there until 6:30 this morning. I have a gun permit and noticed that my wife had removed my weapon from the console of my truck without saying anything to me about it. I have to admit it here, that the idea of ending it actually crossed my mind several times while laying in bed Sunday. This morning was a company holiday but several people at my office went to work because in my line of business, this time of year is when our customers need us the most. I spent the day in my office, door closed, reliving the entire weekend and swirling deeper into depression.

This evening when I got home my wife and I discussed the weekend in detail. She is so supportive. But I keep replaying the weekend over and over in my mind like a bad re-run. I’ve heard of hitting rock bottom and I think I have a bruise on my head from hitting the bottom!

We have removed all liquor from the house. I am having no cravings at all at the moment and I don’t think I will. But I think I am really messed up. What kind of person, has no cravings - can go months without a drink, but then when the opportunity presents itself, they go over the edge with no intentions of doing so?

Anyway, that’s my story. I felt like I needed to put it out there to share.

Thanks for plowing through all this….
Itsjustme

[Byrdlady]

Itsjust, I hate to hear that AL has claimed another soul.
What kind of person can do all the things you mention? An alcoholic. It is a matter of control and when it comes to this substance, we dont have it. Come on over to the nest, you will be in the company of many others just like you. When it comes to AL, all bets are off.
There is no shame in getting help for this, there is no way I could have done it alone. Welcome back! Byrdie

[Piedmont]

Thanks for sharing IJM. Unfortunately, it's pretty much the same for me...9 out of 10 times I'm in control, being social, and generally no problems... it's that 10th time that is the killer. The problem is, I have little way of knowing when the game of Russian Roulette is going to end up badly. Up until recently, the only consequence of losing the spin was some personal property damage (mostly vehicles), along with depression and remorse. Bad, but not devastating. Obviously it could have been much worse, harming others or myself. The latest episode ended up with me doing something that hurt my girlfriend's trust in me and jeopardized our relationship and I realized that I had to stop.

The hardest thing for me is coming to grips with the fact that, for me, it has to be 100%. I've been alcohol free this time for almost 30 days now which is not a lot but I had already started rationalizing in my head that if I could do that, then certainly I could moderate. It sounds like you have already discovered what a slippery slope that can be back to playing with fire.

A thread that I read which helped solidify the need to go 100% is "Do you REALLY want to be sober", or something to that effect by abcowboy. I hope that you find what works for you and you are able to do so before something more catastrophic than 'socially questionable things' occur.

Supportively,
Piedmont

[NoraC]

Glad that you are back & ready to do it again. Big thing for me is to remember enough of the horrible so that it easily comes to mind when I think a drink seems innocent. But, also very important - stop the self hatred. I know it's hard.....but your wife is supportive and you've got us. We have all been there.

[techie]

Welcome back IJM. You know the drill here so just know you have a huge circle of support. See you around the boards!

[abcowboy]

Hi IJM, welcome back! I see it’s almost 1 year since you’ve checked in here, so my first suggestion is in the words of a famous movie quote “you never, ever leave your wingman!” I think that about covers it on sticking with your support group.

A few things came to mind as I read your post. I was very much like you and Piedmont in my drinking habits, until the end of my drinking career that is. Able to have 1 or 2 most times, but once in awhile I’d really let loose and go over the top. The problem became evident when those binges started getting more often than not. Ya, it really was Russian Roulette! I just never knew when 1 would end in 21. And we won’t even go there on the “end it all” discussion, been there, tried to do that, the only thing we have to end is our drinking.

When 1 becomes 21 was a prime motivator in my quitting and staying quit. And it was also a great way to explain my situation when people offered me a drink, or asked me why I couldn’t have just one. I was honest with them and we all know that honesty is the best policy. But it also was an easy way to let people know why I don’t drink. I let them know that yep, maybe today I could have just one, maybe even tomorrow, but sooner or later 1 turns into 21, so if I don’t have the first, I can’t have the last, because I never know when my first will also be my last. And I always thank them for offering anyway. Very few people have ever asked me a second time why I don’t drink.

I haven’t ever experienced social anxiety, and I can thank my Dad for that. I grew up with 3 brothers, my Dad made all 4 of us take dance lessons, public speaking courses, and speed reading. The most important of those was the public speaking. And all of us boys took public speaking when we were 10 years old! So I don’t care how young or old you are, enrol in a public speaking course and see how your social anxiety disappears! It won’t be long before you can stop looking at your feet or feel the need for some “liquid courage”.

One other thing I suggest and firmly believe in, is to go talk to a counsellor. There is no shame in asking for help and they can often help us get to the root of our problems quicker than anyone else. It doesn’t always work for everyone, but no stone should remain unturned in our quest to find lasting sobriety.

Finally, no one can help you unless you really want to change. No one can help you until you admit and accept that you can never drink again, that you want to be sober more than you want to drink. That’s a hard pill to swallow, never again, but never again comes to all of us just one day at a time. Coming back to MWO is the first step, a mighty important one at that, now just one foot in front of the other until you’re well on your way to your own journey to sobriety.

PS, thanks for your kind words Piedmont. I’m no different than most on MWO, just sharing my story and experiences in the hopes that it will help someone still struggling.

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

IJM - Sorry you're so miserable now. This will pass if you stay off the grog!

I have been reading about the use of "will power" to resist things (like drinking) that we're addicted to. If humans leave it to will power, eventually they will cave. The human brain isn't that strong. So we have to set ourselves up for success BEFORE the opportunity presents itself (or as Byrdie says, create a PLAN). From what I have read and found, participation in a sober community is key to that.

Glad you're here and ready to stay sober. We're with you!

Pav

[ItsJustMe]

Thanks for all the encouraging words. Lots of great tips here - I had forgotten how helpful everyone is. I'm finishing up day 3 and so far, no cravings. I know that is no major accomplishment - but its a start. I also got back on my walking program today and am close to my 10K step goal for the day. Finally, I have already downloaded a good book to my Kindle that I am looking forward to starting after dinner. So things are at least headed in the right direction.
Thanks again to all!
IJM

[Nursie]

Welcome back IJM. What's wrong is alcoholism.
Believe me, that is why we are here! Because we cannot predict what will happen or where we will be after that first drink.
There is absolutely nothing you could have done that would surprise me. I have been there, and no doubt would end up there again with just one drink to start it off.
You never have to feel like this again.
Your new life can start now.
The shame will turn I to triumph as you work your plan. Stay close here and check in every day. We will be here!

[madonmehndi]

Hi Justme, welcome back Can't really add much to what everyone else has said but your question " What kind of person, has no cravings - can go months without a drink, but then when the opportunity presents itself, they go over the edge with no intentions of doing so?" is easy to answer - an Alcoholic one! I have been there and done it so many times I have a huge pile of t-shirts to show for it! I too am made confident by AL, but I have come to the realisation that I am better off without the me that AL creates!

Good luck

[Lost Soul]

Hi Just Me, I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience over the weekend. I am also getting through my first week AF so taking extra care of ourselves now is really important. It is great that your wife is so supportive x
I don't know the science behind it or the effect of alcohol on brain chemistry & all that, but your experiences are so similar to me, in that I find I would have little control at stopping drinking at a limit I set myself. It seems very common with alot of us & find sticking around here very helpful, as the support of like minded folk going through similar struggles is an invaluable tool in maintaining sobriety.
Wishing you all the best :happy2:
LS