Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

[Sunbeam]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Congrats, KTAB. Never stop learning, that's for sure. And what you share helps us all be stronger.

[techie]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Wonderful post KTAB. I enjoy following your journey!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 15

Enlightenment

A breach of clear heaven opens in the clouds.
To the southwest the river stretches smooth and still.
There are tattered skirts of mist on the sandbars.
On the wall a magpie shakes his wet feathers and scolds.
Beyond the rooftops the thunder is still grumbling.
I decide to profit by the fresh air and pay myself a small sum of peace.
I hunt busily for some fine words to announce the return of good weather, and the splendor
of the evening, but I have no one to share them with.
So I sit quietly and watch the Milky Way light up.
I am suffused with its glow.
All my spirit is illuminated.

- Ch'en Yu Yi - 1090 - 1138

I am in a good place right now, for the first time in many years I feel like my true self is starting to really brake through from the daily fog of addiction and the future looks bright.
Thanks for reading, take care and remember be kind to ourselves.

[Pie]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

I am in a good place right now, for the first time in many years I feel like my true self is starting to really brake through from the daily fog of addiction and the future looks bright.

It's mighty nice to hear this, Ktab!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 20

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator. ~ W. Beran Wolfe


It has been a few weeks since I posted here and yet I have little new to say. I suppose the underlying feeling for me at this point is one of contentment with my new life for it now feels the norm for me not to drink AL. Even though it is only 4+ months sober I already feel a different person, one working toward the person I always was beneath the drowning fog of AL. I am still practising meditation & mindfulness and doing regular guided yoga practice. I walk long walks a few times a week and try to swim on occasion. I am eating healthily and am growing my organic fruit and veg again this year. I plucked up the courage to finally go to a doctor and have had a comprehensive heath check. The results of almost everything were good accept for two items and I have follow up appointments with two specialists but am hopeful all is well, but I feel inside that it is.
I suppose overall I am being kind to myself after years of abuse and am making amends to myself and that feels just right.


In the end only three things matter:
 how fully you have lived, how deeply you have loved and how well you
 have learned to let go… ~ Buddhist saying

Take care and thanks for reading.

[Lost Soul]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Always a pleasure to read your updates & what sounds like a profound sense of peace.
Take care
LS

[techie]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Thinking of you, KTAB!

[Guitarista]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Some great reading and writing on this thread Ktab. Thank you.

Wishing you a great day ahead.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 28

Walk slowly

It only takes a reminder to breathe,
a moment to be still and just like that,
something in me settles, softens,
makes space for imperfection. The harsh
voice of judgment drops to a whisper
and I remember again that life isn’t a relay race;
that we will all cross the finish line;
that waking up to life is what we were born for.
As many times as I forget, catch myself charging forward
without even knowing where I am going,
that many times I can make the choice
to stop, to breathe, to be and walk
slowly into the mystery.

by Danna Faulds



Off on a 3 day yoga, meditation & mindfulness retreat today, something that I wouldn't even consider if I was still poisoning myself.
It is an indication of my new found joy of life and wanting to embrace the self growth in every aspect. Sorry if this sounds a bit hippyish or new age but that is how it feels, had too many years spend hiding away from everything inside.

Be kind to yourself.

[stirly-girly]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Lovely quote, KTAB - it is such a joy to see your progress. Enjoy the retreat!!

[NoSugar]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Thanks for posting that poem, KTAB. It relates to something I've been mulling over lately - perfectionism. I came across this by Anne Lamott:

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Perfectionism has limited me in so many ways over the years -- I know I didn't try things unless I knew a priori that I would succeed. So, I missed a lot. I believe I've made progress in this area - part of it a function of getting older and simply facing the truth about being human :culpability: but part of it by deliberate thought, study, and action like described in your post.

I had one of those light bulb moments on the subject yesterday. I was going for a medium-length bicycle ride with 3 other people, 2 of which are much better riders than me and the 3rd of which I wasn't sure of his ability. Anyway, it struck me how much I hate doing activities where I'm the limiting person and know that others have to adjust to me. And I realized I've felt that way all my life. Yesterday for the first time it occurred to me that all of this suggests that I don't think I'm worth 'waiting for'. I'm not sure where this insight will lead me but maybe it will open some doors of opportunity because the fact is, I actually DO think I'm worth it (now - I certainly didn't while I was drinking and NEVER asserted my wants and needs because I felt so unworthy). I don't mind adjusting for other people and now I'm going to learn how to let them adjust to me without guilt or feeling apologetic that I'm not "as good".

I hope your retreat goes well and is very rewarding. Reading this thread is rewarding for all of us. Thank you, NS

[lifechange]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

I love this thread, too, Tabbers and am so happy for you in your new-found life.
Wishing you a wonderful retreat..

[satz123]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Thanks for posting that poem, KTAB. It relates to something I've been mulling over lately - perfectionism. I came across this by Anne Lamott:

Perfectionism has limited me in so many ways over the years -- I know I didn't try things unless I knew a priori that I would succeed. So, I missed a lot. I believe I've made progress in this area - part of it a function of getting older and simply facing the truth about being human :culpability: but part of it by deliberate thought, study, and action like described in your post.

I had one of those light bulb moments on the subject yesterday. I was going for a medium-length bicycle ride with 3 other people, 2 of which are much better riders than me and the 3rd of which I wasn't sure of his ability. Anyway, it struck me how much I hate doing activities where I'm the limiting person and know that others have to adjust to me. And I realized I've felt that way all my life. Yesterday for the first time it occurred to me that all of this suggests that I don't think I'm worth 'waiting for'. I'm not sure where this insight will lead me but maybe it will open some doors of opportunity because the fact is, I actually DO think I'm worth it (now - I certainly didn't while I was drinking and NEVER asserted my wants and needs because I felt so unworthy). I don't mind adjusting for other people and now I'm going to learn how to let them adjust to me without guilt or feeling apologetic that I'm not "as good".

I hope your retreat goes well and is very rewarding. Reading this thread is rewarding for all of us. Thank you, NS

Just perfect NS

Tabbs can you PM me with the place you went - I'd llove to go ............ get some real PEACE !!

[NoraC]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Oh - my goodness. So glad that I decided to drop in here to say hello. Thank you KTAB and NoSugar. I needed to read both of those today.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 35

“Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.” ~ Oscar Wilde

So today I awoke at 7am, opened my eyes and realised YES it is yet another Sunday morning of my waking up bright eyed, clear headed and looking forward to the day. Gone are the morning aches and pains in my lower back that I used to blame on the mattress, gone are the thumping headaches, gone is the trip to the bathroom to dry retch. No more dragging myself out of bed at midday only to make it as far as the sofa to collapse for the rest of the day in from of some crap tv because I hadn’t the strength to do much more. Oh the look of disappointment and sometime disgust of DW when I looked up through haze watery eyes. My ‘Lost Days” I called these. I had so so many over the years.
I don’t miss them, been there done that. I no longer feel like that this is how it has to be, this isn’t what the rest of my life had to be. I know I have written similar words here before but I also know how it helps me to re-enforce how things were and how they are now, to remember every single horrible moment, well except the ones when I was so far gone I couldn’t remember my name let alone say it. So many times I left the pub and had absolutely no recollection of anything that happened later that night sometimes even before I even walked out of the pub door into the night, how I got home, who I spoke to, what happened during those lost hours when I wasn’t me. Who was I? Who was this imposter stealing the real ME?
Now HE is gone, banished, but I can see him everywhere if I choose to look carefully. He is on TV, billboards, at sporting events, outside restaurants, through the windows of pubs and bars if I choose to look. He comes in many forms, a guy with a cold beer among his mates, the water dribbling seductively down the side of the bottle, a glass of red wine in the hand of a smiling happy lady enjoying the company of her friends. But to many of these people that is exactly what HE is, something they can enjoy, something they can take or leave but to us he is a demon in disguise. He robs us of the very essence of US. Who knows how or why some get chosen and why most don’t and really it doesn’t matter, who ever said life was fair.
Personally I can think of 100+ worse things that could happen to us today than not being able to safely drink alcohol, for me I am thankful that is what I ended up with today in the lottery of life for it is no longer a big deal and for me becoming less so as the days and weeks pass. How about you?

“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.” ~ Anthony Robbins


Thanks for reading, take care.
KTAB