Paulysville

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly, the real Jon loved you and the rest of his family very much. When he died he simply wasn't himself, and obviously hadn't been for a very long time. Please hold on to the memories of the good times.

[Baclofenman]

Re: Paulysville

I hope so NS,I made it through work OK but now I'm at home and I just can't stop thinking about it, I'm angry,sad,feel foggy,how do people get through this shit?

Hi Pauly

I thought long and hard about posting on this thread but your last sentence has made me do so.

My brother committed suicide in July 2011 aged 41. He hung himself from a tree in the woods near his home in France. He had been searching for years for his birth parents as he was convinced his depression was hereditary. He left a wife and a child under two. He had tried a couple of years earlier, I had bailed him out financially but not addressed his underlying issues.

For a long time after that I blamed myself for what he had done. I knew he had depression and drug issues, yet failed to help him other than "feed" his addictions. He refused my plea's to get help, saying he was "over it"

I was at the stage once that you are now. How could he do this? Why commit this selfish act? Did he not realise that his pain may be over but all he has done is cause pain to those that loved him! Why does everyone else have to clear up his shit! Again!

For years I wept when I looked at his picture on my kitchen wall, especially at the one with his little boy on my window cill.

Having taken some time reading an re-reading this post, I guess I am not sure if this is going to help you or not, or whether or not it is helping me or not?

What I am trying to say is that, certainly in my case time is a great healer. I have not forgotten him, certainly not but I have learned to live with it. His death has completely changed my view on mental health. The guilt you will feel is false. It was his decision and his only, irrespective of how sound his thinking was at the time.

What I do know is that Alcohol is not the answer - Sure it may give you a few hours of restbite but when it wears of, the problems will still be there, with the hangover to boot!

Take care Pauly

Regards


Bacman

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Thanks Baclofenman,today has been one of the toughest so far,i haven't drank,very surprised and even my friend at work is surprised but being that I feel dark I know booze would only make me fall into an even darker place.

[NoraC]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly - Please keep coming here and letting it out. This is such a tragic thing you are going through. I love you friend :hug:

[treetops]

Re: Paulysville

Yes Pauly booze would only make you go further into that dark hole. There might be a temporary buzz but the despair would set in and be worse with the self loathing you would feel. Its so 'normal' in grief to feel flat/depressed/anger - I dont subscribe to there being set stages or any set rules - but it can be an such an emotional switch. And people do surprising things. Its very common for family members to tear each other apart - once the supportive period is over - and try to seek answers and apportion blame. Its not a rational process but it kind of is in a way, because grieving is part of being human. And asking questions about why someone would take their own life. So its emotional and intellectual - as well as embodied - by that I mean that shock, grief, stress and despair all have their impact on the body - again sometimes in surprising and not always helpful ways. I think talking for you would be good - here on the forum - and also to your hubby and family if you can. Don't bottle it up. And don't reach for the bottle!!!

[Mr Vervill]

Re: Paulysville

Sending you continued strength and peace Pauly.

[little beagle]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly I understand the pull of letting go. Ending it because life had become so painful. I too agree with NS. I know it's hard to understand. But sometimes it's not about wanting to die. It's just about not being able to endure the pain. I just do not believe God would punish someone for ending that depth of suffering. And there is honestly nothing anyone else can say or do to help that kessen. This is a truly personal struggle. I'm glad you aren't drinking.

[techie]

Re: Paulysville

Thinking of you, Pauly xo

[NoraC]

Re: Paulysville

Hi Pauly - I'm just dropping by to give you a hug. :hug:

[treetops]

Re: Paulysville

I will join in the group hug too. If I may:heartbeat: I think we all need it :heartbeat:

[Tidegirl]

Re: Paulysville

So so sorry. I can't imagine. Please take care

[Pavati]

Re: Paulysville

Hi, Pauly. Monday hug from Pav.

[little beagle]

Re: Paulysville

Hi Pauly. Thinking of you.

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Oof,all of those days that I bitched and whined about how hard my day was! How I gave into drinking cuz someone pissed me off,shoot those days were nothing compared to this,I'd rather have one of those"shitty" days and I'm going through all of this and I still haven't given drinking a thought, maybe a fleeting thought but I quickly squash it,for me it seems the less I talk about alcohol or think about alcohol the better,I've worked through all of this but there's a sadness and tears right behind my eyes that is giving me a pounding headache everyday,should have bought stock in Advil,I don't know how to act at work,I try to be happy but I find myself losing my temper fast with people, I had to write "no anger" on my hand to remind myself to be patient with people and their dumb hair,I know what I'm doing and how to do my job but when they're picky I feel myself fuming,I have only shared with a few of my regulars what happened I don't tell many cuz I don't want them to think I'm doing a crap job cuz I'm upset and I don't want sympathy, I'm sure my coworkers think me and Jon weren't close cuz I came back to work ASAP but fuck what they think,I had to stay busy or go crazy! I can't stop with the thoughts of him growing up,our time together, if a mistake I made in the past while drinking messed him up,if there's anything I could have done,etc,etc,I took flirting with one of his friends too far while drinking about 10 years ago,he told me he thought I had a great marriage and thats what he wanted and I ruined it for him,I did and do have a great marriage but we were going through stuff back then and I made a giant mistake! There were also two shoving matches between Jon and I because I was being a drunk asshole, we made up of course but I wonder if he basically wrote me off after that,I should have talked to him about all of this before, I should have gotten sober and stayed sober along time ago to prove I had changed,now he'll never know who I was trying to be,my true self again

[abcowboy]

Not to worry Pauly, he hears your thoughts and he sees how you are making your life better, and he loves you even more for it...