Army August 2022

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

The reason we are here is support Elsie....nothing else..so there is no reason whatsoever to think you bring us down....SO.....you ask the why's? The why with us is ALWAYS that we are addicts...Starty puts it so succinctly...and each and every one of us have been where you are now...and without great care any of us could be back there in a heartbeat.
Sometimes Elsie we do need to make big changes (which can seem impossible...in that way rehab or some form of professional help can be invaluable) if we have a stumbling block in our lives...can be as simple as not keeping alcohol in the house or as major as eliminating people from our lives...I did the latter...both family members and 'friends' who were triggers. I'm on my phone now but would love to continue the conversation in a wee while when I get up!
Don't be downhearted Els....it really is a rite of passage almost xxxxx

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

hi Army,

gosh, what a lot going on.. i am sometimes not sure where i should post.. i've always posted in the Nest but it's sometimes a problem that we're all in different time zones.. here, you're all just an hour behind me and you post more often.. But, you all have years of sobriety, whereas i'm still unfortunately struggling.. makes me sick. literally, thinking of the time i'm wasting, the lives i'm negatively affecting.. my girls, my partner, my good friends, work.. i drank last Tuesday at work because i didn't think i could get through.. i was depressed and without inspiration and the thought came to me, there's alcohol in the basement (the carpenters always have something for special occasions), i could just have a shot or two to hike up my energy.. and just the thought gave me energy, which i should have taken.. but i drank and felt immediately better.... the next day i thought, f***, i was doing so well. lots of tears.. i thought i'd just subtract that day and move on, pretend it hadn't happened.. i couldn't imagine beginning again at day 1.. but of course, that never works.. the point is that i have to deal with the feelings i had on the day i "wanted" to drink and NOT drink to move on to the next level, to strengthen myself, to learn other ways to handle all the emotions that come up in life.. because i didn't do that, i drank again on Saturday morning, of all times.. and then i didn't know how to come back here.. i have tried aa without a lot of success.. a bit how YS is described is how i feel.. i don't know that anything will work with me.. though i do WANT it most of the time, i haven't figured out why i don't want it enough to stay sober.?
i've had ultimatums before, but thought at the time, i'm drinking to escape the relationship, so once i'm moved out it will be better.. but it isn't. maybe for awhile, but i'm drinking to try and escape my shit. last night i couldn't sleep at all and i tried to just stay with the discomfort and emptiness, a hole i felt in my heart.. it worked and the breathing enabled me to stay out of complete panic..
sigh.. Satz, i'm in the opposite situation as you.. my girls would love to see me sober.. they were so proud of me at 30 days and continue to believe no matter how often i let them down.. they still need me and i'm not able to assure them that i can be reliable or do what i say i'm going to do.. there is nothing worse than that..
i'm not really sure how to move forward.. but i definitely get inspiration here and think that at some point i'll get it..
i don't really have a chance at finding therapy here.. which could be what i need.. but when i read of Starty's husband i still think i might get it.. it feels so close..
sorry if i bring you all down.. i want to be a success story.. not this continual relapser.

Right - back on my laptop... -- first 'you all have years of sobriety' -- the truth of that is Elsie -- we are literally a bend of an arm away from relapsing at every single stage of our sobriety -- the 'fuck it' moment - the 'why not - no one will know' moment - the only way -- the ONE AND ONLY way to stop that trigger moment at 1 day sober or 20 years sober is to arm ourselves with whatever we need to ride that wave or get to the next thought -- in my case - it's ingrained in me - the (VERY VERY rare nowadays thankfully) moment where you see that happy couple sipping on their cold white wine in the sunshine -- or the cosy image of people sitting at a fire in winter having mulled wine at christmas --- (you get my drift) and might think -- 'oh that looks lovely' -- or the moment you describe as needing to get you through -- get you through whatever... anxious time at work - row with partner - bbq association -- whatever that may be -- that moment -- think it through to the end -- in it's entirety - not just the obvious like wanting the 3rd 4th or 5th drink --- it's that horrendous stage --- the guilts - the embarrassment - the (in my case) waking up at 3am on the couch -- freezing cold - almost empty bottle on the floor - not sure if I'm in trouble with spouse - with offspring --- did I eat (or cook) a dinner - oh fuck it - I'll drink what's left in the bottle --- and then



further


I've broken my quit -- I've wasted all those learning days (not true of course never wasted but....) - and most importantly - I've put the 'want' back in my system -- I'd made the disconnect with 30 days/3 years/3 months - whatever -- and the 'want' is back

This flashes through my head automatically -- that was the joy of treatment - and I was very privileged to have had it -- it was singly the most important event in my life next to childbirth....

so you need to set that up yourself -- write it down -- the ripple affect of that first sip ---

#2 - 'the thought' -- I believed that once the thought of drinking or a drink came into my head that the only thing that would get rid of it was .... a drink.... bit like (dunno if others are the same ) when I think of something I really fancy like a particular dinner or a take-out or even a MaccieD's --- I sort of know I'm going to get it soon cos it's in my head -- they aren't going to damage me -- the drink will -- so now I know that the thought does go away -- distraction --- it does... trust that.

#3 - 'I haven't figured out why I don't want it enough to stay sober' -- that's the big one -- it partly is answered by the first one but that's the 'story' that you need to find for yourself.... in my case a lot hinged on who was important in my life and how things would go forward with Joe and my kids and their kids if I kept drinking -- bit like Starty -- Joe was at his wits end -- I know he had had enough... and funnily enough it was a relatively ordinary statement that did it for me... (he's a big strong alfa male Irishman) he told me that he 'hadn't ever cried like he had cried in the previous short time' -- that broke me -- that still breaks me even typing it now a good few years later...... as I say - get your own story... sometimes just the fact that it makes you unhappy with yourself may be enough -- wasn't for me -- as I said the other day -- I loved drinking -- never wanted to stop - so I had to look outside of myself.

you will get it -- I struggled for a few years -- I was so self pitying -- why won't they leave me alone -- oh my mum is sick -- oh my sisters are bitches - I'm lonely - I'm too busy -- all these reasons why I drank -- nope -- I drank cos I'm an alcoholic and I hadn't learnt how not to be -- it's a bit of hard work - but it's fun 'feeling' yourself evolve


sorry for the epistle -- normal service will resume -- have to cut a hedge apparently ;-)

[rustop59]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning everyone

:hug::hug: have one of those LC, you too Satz. Lots of wonderful words of wisdom above.. Glad you came back. There is not one of us who have not been there. Dashing around the place getting ready for holiday. Back later.

[JackieClaire]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning

[MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION].............don't you be going anywhere and thank you for being truthful. Once upon a time we were you. I drank so much I didn't eat. I was a skeleton.
I went to a daily de-tox place four times....after one in particularly I finished the treatment and went and bought a bottle of wine on the way home.

Like this , Molls..............'we are literally a bend of an arm away from relapsing at every single stage of our sobriety'.

So Elsie, your going nowhere but here every day.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Let's face we all loved drinking and the escape it gave us.
But the one single thing that stops me picking up a glass is follow the story through to the end once the glass is lifted. This is done in my head now in a split second, I shrug and I move on

My thing would be a lovely large cold beer at lunchtime on holiday. I remember loving it .... but I'd be half way down and the anxiety would start : if could I have another - would MrS not want another?
Would I get that look "No, I'M not having another" - making me feel bad - so I'd be left with the option of sneaky drinks or having to wait till it was 'ok' to drink again because the craving ( or 'the want' as Molls says) would have started.
Of course this happened at home too when I was out. So i drank more at home. Then I as outed on that too - FFS!

So that horrible 'want more' feeling that flashes through my mind - ONE or TWO would never ever be enough so I can't be arsed. What's the point putting myself through that again?

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

So just checking in before bed...see how Elsie is...you okay there young'un? And YS...has he got to Limerick do you know benjy?

Hedge cutting today...very hot and slightly frayed tempers ..so shall lay my head down and hopefully wake up to a better day ...night folks xxxx

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

:egad: Move away from the hedge Molls and the man with the shears.:egad:

That, for some daft reason, reminds me of putting up the Christmas tree - deffo a one man (woman) job - if there is to be no blood-letting.
Then come waltzing back when it's done and fix the stray bits ( or in your case clip off the stray bits ).

Nighty night campers.

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning! Survived first half of hedge...rinse and repeat today....I HATE hedges.... so very much!
Hope all okay...MrsA....you out there?
And Elsie...let us know how you doing..
Right best get going...this retired life can be very busy!!!

[rustop59]

Re: Army August 2022

Good morning everyone

Call out for LC, please keep checking in, you know where staying away leads to. Maybe go back and read your posts over the last month. It was wonderful to see you progress and be so positive. You can be again, rinse and repeat.

Hate hedges too and unfortunately we have a lot of them. We get a guy in once a year to do them, should be coming within the month.

Right off to walk the doggies and we are then heading to the airport.

[JackieClaire]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning, crafty day today so just a quicky

[MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION].......................check in bonnie lass. We're here to help not to judge.

and give us a wave our Whizzy.

See you later.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning all.
No hedge cutting here - that's MrS's baby and woe betide me if I criticize how fecking WIDE they are. Add to that some out of control shrubs that were gorgeous when they were small & neat.
With him it's the bigger the better including hanging shagging baskets. They almost behead you at this time of the year when you pass.
Don't get me started on the ivy out back ::cuss:
All goes to make the small gardens even smaller. I'm not allowed to touch anything - my forte are indoor plants & flowers.

If only he'd go off like Joe for a while I'd massacre the lot.

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

Haha...well thankfully the garden is mostly mine...he does the grafting but with permission!
Have a smashing hollier Rusters..very exciting!
Howdy everyone else...hedge has been butchered down from about 15 feet to 5 feet...house is so bright....can't understand the purpose of hedges in the country....really can't....nobody to 'shield 'ourselves from!
Simon Laura and the boys are coming Sat so that'll be really nice...so much for maybe never seeing the grandkids!!!!

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Well - not a lot happening here. [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION]
Elsie check in - whatever you're doing - doesn't matter - just a quick hello ?

YS left here Monday & hasn't been heard from since. I am sitting on my hands trying not to text.
I swing between angry & worried ...... today anger came most.

He got up Monday morning & just left the house. MrS was walking Rosie & I was here in my bedroom but he never said a word. I had worked the weekend which has been paying for his food & shelter for the past 6 months and he had not the manners to say where he was going until I text.

So my lovelies he can 'eff off !! I'm done. He will not be living here again unless he commits to getting the help he needs.

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

The booze makes you brave and self righteous benjy....he's still your lovely son...just temporarily buried ...it's better you're angry than sad or worried...night all xxx

[Guitarista]

Re: Army August 2022

Hola army,

Big waves to all of my friends here. All ok in Gville. Busy with a few projects as opposed to spinning me tyres when boozing.

Hope YS is ok. Safe travels Rusters.