I am not sure if I am posting this in the right place or not, so bear with me. I am still learning my way around.
I am originally from York South Carolina.
I am 45 yrs old now, live in Florida and have been alcoholic since early childhood. My first drink came after I was molested by my stepfather at the tender age of 7. I discovered his "White lightening" kept in mason jars under the kitchen sink and went straight for the strong stuff. It did not end there.
My mom and stepdad were both construction workers and we moved from town to town state to state constantly. I never had a chance to bond with anyone. I was abused physically and mentally quite often by both of my drunken and drug laden parents.
By the time I was 16, I was a full blown alcoholic and attempted suicide for the first time (there would be 3 other attempts as well). I was a very disturbed young girl and was sent from one psychiatrist to another for several years. I would tell them what they wanted to hear rather than the horrible truth and all diagnosis back then were that I was normal... Yeah right!
I continued drinking and drugging (anything I could get my hands on really). I became pregnant and married at the age of 16. Before I even had my first born son I was already on my way to divorce. After his birth, he went to live in foster care and then later with my mother. The guiilt and shame of not being able to provide for my child drove me to drink even more.
I found a counselor that talked me into changing my life by going to college. I did with a prescription of Xanax and was drunk before I even settled into the dorm. More drinking for 3 years of college. I met a guy who I will call the love of my life. Together we were obnoxious and violent. God how I loved him though! Until the day he threw me out of my mothers kitchen window severing my achilles tendon. I spent 3 long years in various surgeries and rehab after that. Was given prescription for Tylox and commensed to more drinking on top of it. My life spiralled downward when he left and I attempted suicide again.
Speeding up through a few years so as not to take too much time and space here... the next major ordeal came when I had (at the request of my now teenages sons father as the baby was someone elses who had also left me) a third trimester abortion in Atlanta Ga. I will never forget that experience as long as I live and to this day consider it to be the most "horrific" crime of my life! There were people protesting there and threw tomatoes at me as I went into the clinic screaming at me "Murderer!" I wanted to die.
After that my drinking became even worse if that is possible. By the way I am not now nor was ever married to the man who fathered my teenage son soon after that abortion. He left also and ended up in prison where he still resides.
I managed to get back on my feet for a moment in time and my mother sent my oldest son to live with me who was becoming much to much for her to handle. I took him in and worked 2 jobs to provide. Meanwhile, he was setting fires, stealing, skipping school, you name it. I lost job after job and apartment after apartment once he'd set a fire or break into a neighbors house. I ended up leaving the state with my then 3 year old baby who still lives with me. My oldest son (now 26) has been in and out of jail and prison for the last 10 years. About to go back to prison... I feel responsible for that as well.
I ran to Florida, got a job married a wonderful man 10 years ago and still have been unable to remain sober. I have been to several rehabs, tried antabuse and everything else imaginable but have been unable to maintain any semblance of soberness for a period of time. Somewhere in between these paragraphs I was diagnosed "bipolar" (once I began to attempt some honesty rather than telling them what they wanted to hear) imagine that! Have been on so many meds I can't count em all, yet they only provided temporary relief before they stopped working.
So now I am giving it one last shot. This program just has to work for me. I am alone in my marriage although been married 10 years and cannot say anything bad about the hubby for he is indeed a good hardworking man, he just has not time for me. He works, eats and sleeps. I know I should be grateful for that, but there has been no intimacy in our marriage for over 5 years now. It is difficult, yet I know the grass is not greener and I could never find anyone who would put up with the shit he has and still hang around, so I am blessed and stressed at the same time. We don't "talk" or anything else for that matter but he keeps a roof over my head and gave my son his name years ago. He is a good father.
Enough! I am sorry to have rambled, but all of these things I think contribute to the sad state I am in today. That is my story... Certainly not all of it but more than enough to draw a picture of how sad a state I truly am in.
Off to see the Dr. I get Topamax today!
Have a great day!
I am originally from York South Carolina.
I am 45 yrs old now, live in Florida and have been alcoholic since early childhood. My first drink came after I was molested by my stepfather at the tender age of 7. I discovered his "White lightening" kept in mason jars under the kitchen sink and went straight for the strong stuff. It did not end there.
My mom and stepdad were both construction workers and we moved from town to town state to state constantly. I never had a chance to bond with anyone. I was abused physically and mentally quite often by both of my drunken and drug laden parents.
By the time I was 16, I was a full blown alcoholic and attempted suicide for the first time (there would be 3 other attempts as well). I was a very disturbed young girl and was sent from one psychiatrist to another for several years. I would tell them what they wanted to hear rather than the horrible truth and all diagnosis back then were that I was normal... Yeah right!
I continued drinking and drugging (anything I could get my hands on really). I became pregnant and married at the age of 16. Before I even had my first born son I was already on my way to divorce. After his birth, he went to live in foster care and then later with my mother. The guiilt and shame of not being able to provide for my child drove me to drink even more.
I found a counselor that talked me into changing my life by going to college. I did with a prescription of Xanax and was drunk before I even settled into the dorm. More drinking for 3 years of college. I met a guy who I will call the love of my life. Together we were obnoxious and violent. God how I loved him though! Until the day he threw me out of my mothers kitchen window severing my achilles tendon. I spent 3 long years in various surgeries and rehab after that. Was given prescription for Tylox and commensed to more drinking on top of it. My life spiralled downward when he left and I attempted suicide again.
Speeding up through a few years so as not to take too much time and space here... the next major ordeal came when I had (at the request of my now teenages sons father as the baby was someone elses who had also left me) a third trimester abortion in Atlanta Ga. I will never forget that experience as long as I live and to this day consider it to be the most "horrific" crime of my life! There were people protesting there and threw tomatoes at me as I went into the clinic screaming at me "Murderer!" I wanted to die.
After that my drinking became even worse if that is possible. By the way I am not now nor was ever married to the man who fathered my teenage son soon after that abortion. He left also and ended up in prison where he still resides.
I managed to get back on my feet for a moment in time and my mother sent my oldest son to live with me who was becoming much to much for her to handle. I took him in and worked 2 jobs to provide. Meanwhile, he was setting fires, stealing, skipping school, you name it. I lost job after job and apartment after apartment once he'd set a fire or break into a neighbors house. I ended up leaving the state with my then 3 year old baby who still lives with me. My oldest son (now 26) has been in and out of jail and prison for the last 10 years. About to go back to prison... I feel responsible for that as well.
I ran to Florida, got a job married a wonderful man 10 years ago and still have been unable to remain sober. I have been to several rehabs, tried antabuse and everything else imaginable but have been unable to maintain any semblance of soberness for a period of time. Somewhere in between these paragraphs I was diagnosed "bipolar" (once I began to attempt some honesty rather than telling them what they wanted to hear) imagine that! Have been on so many meds I can't count em all, yet they only provided temporary relief before they stopped working.
So now I am giving it one last shot. This program just has to work for me. I am alone in my marriage although been married 10 years and cannot say anything bad about the hubby for he is indeed a good hardworking man, he just has not time for me. He works, eats and sleeps. I know I should be grateful for that, but there has been no intimacy in our marriage for over 5 years now. It is difficult, yet I know the grass is not greener and I could never find anyone who would put up with the shit he has and still hang around, so I am blessed and stressed at the same time. We don't "talk" or anything else for that matter but he keeps a roof over my head and gave my son his name years ago. He is a good father.
Enough! I am sorry to have rambled, but all of these things I think contribute to the sad state I am in today. That is my story... Certainly not all of it but more than enough to draw a picture of how sad a state I truly am in.
Off to see the Dr. I get Topamax today!
Have a great day!
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