When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Re: Beating a dead horse

V, I have to agree with Nina. I know this is a very hard thing to do. I've been struggling myself and I want to stop drinking so much and putting myself and my marriage in danger. If I didn't want this, then I wouldn't have made it even a couple days without drinking.

It not something you can tell J to do for you, he has to do it for himself. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it really is the answer. All of us here know that.

Best of luck,
Marcie

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Dead Horse

Well, J is in fine form today! Usually he calms down after a crazy night, but today is a different story. One minute he is climbing in bed with me for hugs and kisses, and the next minute his insults cut to the quick. I know it's a chemical brain imbalance and I tell myself he can't always control it, but still, he made me cry first thing this morning.

He's five hours from home, in another state, and no one back home wants to deal with him. That can not be a happy position for a grown 42 year old man to be in. He doesn't have his own pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

I'm noticing a pattern in these comments. What's up with boredom? J seems to be an adrenalin junkie--quarterback, lead singer, motorcross racer. Now that he's older, he is having a hard time getting the same kinds of thrills out of life. I'm wondering if part of what is going on is that he creates all this drama so that he is at the center of attention in everything. I think he is reluctant to let this behavior go because he must be getting something out of it. Am I on track or not?

Tammie, Thanks for sharing your program experience. It helps to know that you are adding what you feel you need as you can. Some days you are more focused than others--that's to be expected.

Right now J is sleeping--probably depression. Someone mentioned the sheer illogical insanity of alcoholism. J has done lines of coke and takes all kinds of prescription sleep aids (Trazidone) and Lithium, but let me mention Topomax and he throws a fit. I told him what you said about 50mg and seeing a difference, but he seems adamant about not taking topomax whereas he had been on itfor 21 days. But that's today; who knows what later will bring.

Thanks girl,

I think I'll do a shout out to the General Discussion area
and enlist the help of any guys who have been successfull with the program

Hugs,

VMD

vmd

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

dead horse

Don't worry about me girlfriends. I know all about "ya gotta wanna." Right now I'm just offering him a window of opportunity. When I'm ready to leave Illinois with my PhD in hand this year and bolt for the great unknown, his butt better be ready, cause ready or not, I'm going on with or without him.

I'm surprised, though that you ladies are not more sympathetic towards him. What would you do if your significant others were less sympatico towards you? But, you're right, absolutely 100% right. I know it without a doubt. He's gotta wanna.

As for soulmates, well, he seems to think so, but I have my doubts. We have close to nothing in common. I'm a displaced New Yorker; he's a displaced Arkansan. To make it short--just think Green Acres. Still, I find him fascinating--but then again--most of my men have been.
You wouldn't starve out in the woods with this guy--there's something incredibly sexy about that.

Since I'm busy doing my own thing, I just have a wait and see attitude. It would be nice if he could ever get it together, but it would be sheer hell if he doesn't and I'm probably not willing to do that. Still, he is definitely worth the effort; aren't we all? I'm reserving hope till the very last minute before it's time to say goodbye. That's all I can do. My husband died of a brain tumor and I was that way with him till the bittersweet end. You want to be able to live with yourself and know you did everthing you could possibly do for another human being--no regrets.

Thanks ya'll,
vmd

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Re: dead horse

Dear VMD,

The reason we're not more sympathic is because we have all been him to some extent, and we know how useless it is to make a horse drink no matter how close the horse is to the water! Even those of us with very sympathetic/supportive partners still struggle with our addictions when we are committed to quitting, much less sitting with one foot in and one foot out.

Now, VMD, I'm not usually very confrontational on this board, but I am going to be with you. After reading your last post, I'm not sure how committed you are to J or how much your involvement is about him or you. Sexy?.... Fascinating?.... Green Acres?.... At least won't starve in the woods?.... yeah, I do understand the appeal, I can feel it too. But it also, to some extent, sounds a bit like a boy toy to me! At the same time, I do feel a softening around the edges toward the end of your post, and I can certainly empathize with your losing your husband to a brain tumor. I can't even imagine the pain you must have suffered, as well as the longing to maybe be able to save J from himself as you couldn't help your husband. What pain!

Please take some time to think this through and what your motives really are. If you are committed to J, get some help for yourself so that you can truly support him by confronting him honestly and with love. If not, let him go. The AA adage is true that people may have to hit bottom to start to get up again. Those people here on MWO who have supportive partners have partners who are committed to them..

If I have overstepped my bounds, I hope you will forgive me, but I really had to speak out on this one. If nothing else, J sounds like quite a handful!

Love and prayers,
Kathy

PS: What's with the y'all? I'm from New York originally, too. Did you make a pitstop somewhere else?

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Re: dead horse

Hey V,
The subject of your post was "How do you know when your beating a dead horse" I guess we are saying if he doesn't want to do it himself, you pretty much are(beating a dead horse).

Outside from that comment, sorry if it was harsh, I admire you for sticking with him and trying to find a way for him to overcome this problem. It sounds like you love J and you want to help him. You asked why we weren't more sympathetic towards him. I 'm sure I speak for many of us here when I say we are sympathetic and our hearts go out to him and you both! This is an extremely hard problem to overcome. By being here, each one of us is trying to some extent to beat this!

I would be devastated if my husband left me just because I drank. Have you though of telling him that it could happen? Maybe he will take the issue more seriously? I don't mean empty threats, but you said you were leaving after your PhD, whether is was coming or not......

Marcie

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Dear vmdunn,

I think you and your 6" hunk of gorgeous man are a match made in heaven.

Oh, and it is Robert, not Roy, Shapiro.

Q. When do you know you're beating a dead horse?
A: When it won't get up and take you for a ride.

[Guest]

When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

And furthermore ....

It's lonesome in the saddle when your horse dies!

Tawny

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

dead horse

Listen yous guys--
I was minding my own business last summer when this
gorgeous man walks in one morning at 7:00am to possibly rent one of my rent houses in Arkansas. I flopped out of bed, hair all akimbo, and went to the door in a robe. He decided he wouldn't rent his own place just yet, but instead opted to stay with his roommate. Later in the week he called me for a date. I can't help the way he looks or the fact that he is 10 years my junior. We had some good dates and some bad. Eventually, I went back to Illinois.

His roommate says he is genuinely in love with me. That he tried to fix J up constantly with other women over the next several months, but he wouldn't have any of them. J is convinced he's in love with me. Frankly, I have a hard time believing him although he is unique enough that I do consider that he might be for real. He has odd and endearing sensibilities. For instance, he never once cheated on his girlfriend the entire 7 years he was a lead singer in a popular band, even with girls writing their phone numbers in the cotton part of their panties and throwing them at him. But how much stock can I put in him knowing his own mind now?

As far as boy-toy, as you well know, with drinking--half the time the boy's-toys ain't up for it. But when they are, oh-my, what a fabulous ride.

Hey people--people are complex and relationships compound things exponentially. Each man I've ever dated from Tribe Practitioners to Syrian body builders, to Irish/German ballroom dancers to Nordic Social workers, have all been sexy and fascinating. They each bring their own exquisite culture with them. J happens to be an expert hunter, fisherman, and genuine outdoorsy kind of guy which I find horrifying and exotic as I would coming from NYC. At the same time, the super manly capability is comforting (then he gets drunk and sobs like a girl or whines like a teenager on pms).
Right now, there is a deer head hanging on my livingroom wall amid the art work and tapastries from India.

And right now, I'm confused. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.

Should I let him stay indefinitely while he pilfers change,
walks the 2 blocks to the liquor store, stumbles back to the couch and passes out, or manhandles me and the little dogs and forgets he promised to follow a program --the main condition for coming up here in the first place?

I have no control over him. So, if he stays with me and continues his current behavior, doesn't that make me an enabler, keeping him from his journey to rock bottom and beyond? If, I let him go, that means I'm not committed to him? What?

Women go gaga over him when we're out--they can't seem to control themselves. He's fun, funny, charming, sharp, has a memory like you wouldn't believe--he nick-named himself Rainman. He never strays. What woman wouldn't love him and want to be with him. But do you know those lyric--"look out baby cause I'm too hot to handle"? He will tell you that about himself. Many a women has been thrown trying to saddle this wild buck.

You younger women might have the time to hang on for the whole 7 seconds but us older ones have to be a little more realistic. Do I want to babysit a drunk for the next ten or twenty years? Humm--that's a tough one. But, I still would like to do whatever I can for him whether we stay together or not. To be frank, I think if he had his s--t together in the first place, he wouldn't have chozen me. Not that I'm not fabulous, but someone closer to his own age because he wants kids and I don't.

Thanks Kathy, your note was thoughtful; I'm not at all upset. Marcie, I have told him I'm leaving and that I hope he will be coming with, but that's another problem.
He's already feeling uncomfortable with just 5 hrs from home--he thinks he can't handle a move to say CA. So, this adds to his anxiety and the what's the use attitude.
By the way, J calls me V. Yo, Allegra-were you being sarcastic with that match made in heaven remark? Thanks for the Robert not Roy correction, and loved the won't get up and take you for a ride quip. And Tawny, the horse is dead in a vodka stupor for the 2nd night in a row--that's why I'm at the computer with you guys tonight-- It's more lonely when there is an inaccessable man in the house then if I were home alone

Hugs to all. Sorry to be so long winded.
I think he needs to see a mental health pro
and I need to look into a support groups and learn copinmg mechanisms.

V

[Guest]

When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Hey VMD, You know what they say, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him f**k a chicken!"
But seriously, you sound like such a kind person, I really hope things work out for you & soon. It's hard being in between in relationships (especialy w/younger & gorgeous men), in fact , I'd almost say from my experience it's over F'n rated! Good luck to you Hugs & Prayers Judie

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

It's 36 minutes past midnight and I'm still only on my second drink. Clap clap bravo! However, if I stay on this thread for a minute longer I may need to self-combust. ***Pooof!, bang^^^, burn##

tawny all fall down

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

:rollin :lol
Tawny....couldn't agree more!!!!!! Gina

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Should I read anything into the fact that the people who are still trying to reason with this whack job are still....never mind.

The next meeting of Enablers Anonymous will be meeting in the green room.

I have to go work on my imaginary dissertation.

Kate

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When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

Hey Kate,

Can I help in any way? I would love to make your coffee or procure fine cheesy comestibles for your consumption - while you work on your imaginary dissertation.

(I love reading your stuff.)

Feel free to finish this story ....

"Good night, my hunk", said she, draping the silken ties of her flaccid robe across his diaphonous nostrils...

[Guest]

When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

I love you tawny. Right now I'm peein' myself. Where's the nightstand drawer when I need it?

Kate

[Guest]

When do you know you're beating a dead horse?

nigtstand drawer

Love the night stand drawer!! You guys be nice tho...
It's still early, actually it was early before I went to bed. What the hey am I doin up?
On that note, How's everybody doing?
Tm, we used to have hogs, when I was a kid. My Dad would get the old schwag beer from the local tavern, to feed them, to fatten them up. you could always tell when they'd had their beer. They would just lay there, not get up, couldn't budge em... I've always said "you can't ride a drunk pig" Little did I know how true those words were, till I met a few, of a different species! Ha True story tho. God I feel like "Rose from ST Olaf! !! Just me tho, St Jude from Ophir! Hugs Judie