Newbies Nest

[Herbie]

Newbies Nest

Off on day 2, ....

I have been thinking about triggers, after a hard day working nothing was better than that glass of wine, cooking dinner time to have that glass of wine, hard time getting to sleep, a little bit of wine sure would help... however, to many times my glass of wine lead to another and another etc. Over the last year and half things have really been stressful and due to my husband's health and related bad temper, I really turned to the wine to numb myself, good old self medication. Now my challenge is to come up with alternatives to the wine... I do love the mellowing effect of wine, and is my drink of choice.... So Lolab I relate to what you said... ... I appreciate everyone's postings and insights and looking forward to being strong not fragil

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters!

I always told people my kids were just average!!! :H
I couldn't tolerate the PTA (or what I used to call 'Lobby Mom) mentality!
At work I was known as 'The Rebel without a Cause' :H :H

Greetings to all Nesters! Just wanted to say hello & make sure the Nest was open for business
Wishing everyone a great AF Friday!

Lav

[Willow23]

Newbies Nest

Herbie;1206887 wrote: Off on day 2, ....

I have been thinking about triggers, after a hard day working nothing was better than that glass of wine, cooking dinner time to have that glass of wine, hard time getting to sleep, a little bit of wine sure would help... however, to many times my glass of wine lead to another and another etc. Over the last year and half things have really been stressful and due to my husband's health and related bad temper, I really turned to the wine to numb myself, good old self medication. Now my challenge is to come up with alternatives to the wine... I do love the mellowing effect of wine, and is my drink of choice.... So Lolab I relate to what you said... ... I appreciate everyone's postings and insights and looking forward to being strong not fragil

Tell me about it Herbie! I love that numbing affect unfortunately, that's the hard part. And if only I could have a couple and drink responsibly! But I can't, I just keep on going.

You know guys, I was just on Facebook and a friend said that she had had a hard time recently so tonight after work will be going home to get trashed. People were "liking" her comment and I just thought wow, you know, this really is our culture these days. It's perfectly acceptable by most people to get absolutely loaded and no-one bats an eyelid. It's just how people cope (me included), rather than finding a more healthy way to unwind. It's kind of interesting when you're on the "other side" like we are now and observing it all.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Dang...lots to say and no time to say it!
Lots of great posts! So proud of everyone...you know we haven't lost anyone in about a week, so all are staying strong...if you did fall out and didn't tell us...wiggle back on in..we want you to succeed.
First, remember the stages of grief? Losing AL is a loss....and we are grieving that...I think there are 5, but I can only remember 4 and no time to google. First is Denial....I don't have a problem, really. Other people drink more than I do. What is the big deal about? Why do I owe anything to this nest, they don't know what I'm going thru.... Then you move into anger...Why Me? Why Can't I? Dammit everyone else is!! It's not FAIR...I deserve better than this!! Then is BARGAINING...this is the stage that happens around the 30 day mark and this is the stage that is, to most of us, our undoing!!!! This is when you think you've got this thing licked!!!! This is where the moderating idea comes in and sticks...this is our bargaining with the beast. And you say, I'm just going to limit myself to 2 glasses a night and that will be that...no big deal. Then your 2 glasses become 3 and so it goes...until you are WORSE off than when you ever tried to moderate!!! Getting thru this stage is KEY!!! That VOICE will be STRONG!!! Do not listen to it...do not bargain with the devil. I am telling you...you will NOT win!! The final stage is acceptance...and here is where all the marbles are. Once you realize you can not drink you have a sense of freedom like never before. You are now in control. You are not torturing yourself any more. Acceptance is a very good place! You must go thru all of these stages, I'm afraid, to make it to the other side. But it's really good over here...come over and check it out!
Well, here quickly.... I roll my eyes at myself when I talk about being of service to others!!! Because I am the life of the party too! I hate chit chat...and keeping up with Jones, etc. I'm not Martha Stewart and I don't want to be, so it's against the grain to talk about giving to others. Like those cakes I bake and give away...it sounds so corny I could gag...but it gets my mind on a task and OFF AL and the joy on the face of someone who receives a cake for NO reason is just amazing. Whatever it takes, I say...to get thru to an AF life is what I am going to do.
One more thing I've been thinking about lately...as the Holidays roll up on us....we long to have that glass of wine with our meal, and we mourn the loss of that. But here is what I think we are mourning...NOT the loss of that glass of wine, but the PERSON who used to be able to just drink that glass. And that's a big loss. We cannot just sit there and drink the one glass without wanting more. So it's not so much what the one glass represents...it's the whole loss of that person sitting there. But there is nothing we can do about that, but move on. We are stronger people for it, and much happier. It is what it is....
Today is a very special day...it is another day you spent AF. Friday is just another day and this is no time to blow it! Stay strong. Holler if you need us. Byrdie

[MinStar]

Newbies Nest

Poo long post written and lost it. Thanks Burris for popping on at he right time. Sorry on iPhone and I is a pain.

[BelleGirl]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1206910 wrote: Dang...lots to say and no time to say it!
One more thing I've been thinking about lately...as the Holidays roll up on us....we long to have that glass of wine with our meal, and we mourn the loss of that. But here is what I think we are mourning...NOT the loss of that glass of wine, but the PERSON who used to be able to just drink that glass. And that's a big loss. We cannot just sit there and drink the one glass without wanting more. So it's not so much what the one glass represents...it's the whole loss of that person sitting there. But there is nothing we can do about that, but move on. We are stronger people for it, and much happier. It is what it is....
Today is a very special day...it is another day you spent AF. Friday is just another day and this is no time to blow it! Stay strong. Holler if you need us. Byrdie

Byrdlady, that was an awesome post, but the above quoted part really hit me. Last night I began feeling complacent in my sobriety. I started feeling like "hey, I'm OK, I just want my old life back", which meant the "freedom" to drink when and if I want to. You know...just to have a "normal life" whatever that is. This morning I still felt that way. Your post was a great "get your head out of your arse...yet again" alarm. :thanks:

I'm on day 19, and it is really not like I am craving the AL, but just the old "simple" life where such things as AL weren't an issue (or at least fooled myself into thinking that they weren't).

Byrd and everyone else, have a great day!

[ronnie]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady....What a lovely post, I love the bit about 30 Days and Modding, My brain was telling to think about Modding but I know I would be so much more worse off and I would end up losing everthing.
I Love my life at the moment and I can never go back to that dark place
I find by keeping really busy helps me alot, it keeps my brain active so that little voice cant even get into my brain and tell me I can drink....lol
I am really tired at the moment but I would rather be tired than hungover and feeling sick!!!
We are all in this together and tegether we can beat this as we are all winners
Take care all.

[windy]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady wrote:

Then is BARGAINING...this is the stage that happens around the 30 day mark and this is the stage that is, to most of us, our undoing!!!! This is when you think you've got this thing licked!!!! This is where the moderating idea comes in and sticks...this is our bargaining with the beast.

:hLoved...loved:h what you said here. It is so true. It was my undoing. I thought since I could accomplish 30 days AF I was home free, since my problem wasn't that bad...afterall. This time,now that I have accomplished 45 + days, I feel so much better than at 30 days. I wish I could push the clock back to the first 30 day stint. So any of you guys who are contemplating moderation after 30 days, please give it another 70 days (at least) before you make that decision. In my humble opinion...I do not think 30 days is quite enough time to consider moderation. And like I have said before, if you crave alcohol excessively, the problem may never go away. It won't for me...I know it...I am a buzz chaser and always will be.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Was just reading all your posts & got to thinking......
I actually don't give a flying damn about AL anymore BUT I do still get smoking thoughts & I really, really wish they would go away

Bottom line is kids if you want to be a winner then just keep distracting yourselves & turn off the mind chatter

Blondie, happy stove shopping ~ I think you made a great choice

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

wonderful posts this morning! Congrats Bondie on double digits! Any other milestones I missed? Oh Windy - that 45 + day milestone...:H You are doing great and I'm so fortunate to have you as a kindred spirit along this way. WhenI've ever had the thought of drinking, I do honestly think of you and how we are at the same point on this path - ya know - "if she's being so strong, then I CAN TOO!" :l We have had the same thoughts on the cooking front. It's even come up a few times with friends - we just never did it...;-( I also havegotten pretty fanatical about no additives in what I eat.....the cleaner the better - and unfortunately, while it's a good thing for me in general - it has really impaired my ability to eat out or stuff that someone has prepared with "cream of something soup" for example (I feel awful)...so i also get that "from scratch" statement...

I experienced the same thing after 30 days....wish I had listened to Byrdie back then...

[Prairie Fairy]

Newbies Nest

Hi all -

I was a a TEAR last night but did it on another thread - but realized this morning - some of the newbies don't realize we may hang out at the nest and a couple other threads.

But I thought about it this morning and decided that cross posting last nights tizzy isn't a terrible idea for several reasons:
1. It's fair to admit you get tempted for reasons other than physical
2. It's fair to get angry.
3. It's fair to have roiling emotions that this thing - AL - which has played a central role in the play that is our lives - is being forced kicking and screaming from the stage.

As you read this polemic - with strong language - realize I made it through. Another dance with the monkey chatter - done and dusted. And we go onward.



* #62 (permalink) * *
Yesterday, 09:02 PM
Prairie Fairy
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So - here is a seriously PISSY post-day 13 Test of Will. I don't have any physical urge for a drink. Not a lick of one.

But I am about as upset and pissed off as one adult human can be for MAJOR F'ing reasons- personal and professional. Really - there weren't this many reasons when I rattled off what was going on to my Shrink - and she dropped her pen and said most people would have had a complete and utter break down. And there's at least several more gigantic doozies now...

And here I sit. I'm drinking the relaxation tea. I'm taking the supplements. I'm waiting for the tea and the supplements to kick and chill me out. I think I mentioned I was pissed and upset?! I pulled up this thread because I had to remind myself why I hit bottom - why waking up checking the phone log to see who I called, praying to remember WTF we'd talked about, checking FB at 3 am to see what I had done...and to see what everyone had gone before me and said they hoped to gain.

Because I'm so DAYUM MAD and so DAYUM UPSET - my normal behavior would be to go up to the store and get some vino. I'm off tomorrow - hangover schmangover right?

WRONG. I'm going to fight this off. I WILL BE STRONGER THAN AL. I WILL BE STRONGER THAN HABIT.

SO here goes you freekin' Mind Stealing Alien - I have allowed you to steal enough of my life. There are days and nights I'll never get back. There are things I've said I can't take back.

No one but me poured you down my throat. I own it. I own every headache. Every upset stomach. Every feeling I hurt. Ever carpet I stained. Every bruise I woke up with that I couldn't explain. I own every regret.

So - here I am. Flawed. Cracked. But I am unbroken. You will NOT break me. I promised I'd make November 25th AL free and so help me God - I don't intend to fail.

For all the reasons that everyone ahead of me put on this post - it's a thread of possibilities and shame and regrets. It's a thread of dreams. And I will NOT let you steal them. Not again. Not tonight.

No matter how angry and upset I am.

Take that you rat bastard.

You can take the Monkey Chatter and shove it square up your arse. Use the ground glass. And skip the vaseline. I've done that for years. You tell me how you like it.

Freekin' Pissant.
__________________
That popping sound you hear is me attempting to remove my head from my arse. It's been there for years so this may take a while.
AF - 10/26/2011
30 Days AF - 11/25/2011 - Eyes on the Prize

[windy]

Newbies Nest

Prairie Fairy --

I loved your post and your attitude....that it why they call us the BAD ASS BEAST BEATERS!! Take that...and that...and that..

You sound great and determined and I am confident you will make it to November 25th...Don't forget this post and the way you felt. There is nothing wrong with your kick-ass attitude.. I like it!!

[FreeFly]

Newbies Nest

Prairie - you go girl. You sure are kickin arse and you have my vote

25 November here you come .....

[Willow23]

Newbies Nest

Bloody awesome! Prairie, you rock!

[Prairie Fairy]

Newbies Nest

I am working at fighting every day. This is not about physical urges at this point - the AL has left the system. This is about the Alien Booze Brain trying to railroad me into going back into habit because it thinks it needs AL to survive. It doesn't. I don't.

This period in days post AL - and one of the older nesters can confirm/deny - near as I can tell - is about retraining the brain and healing up the damage done to the old melon. So - I'm religious about the supplements because the more I read, the more I realize how much I probably need them to perk up and heal up properly.

I'm not fighting the headaches, the sweats, or any shakes. I'm not fighting fatigue or insomnia. I'm sleeping like a baby. What I'm fighting now is force of habit...

So - if I get on here in the evenings and I am chewing through the carpet to prevent myself from doing what I have done habitually for years...there is a reason. The good part is - I can rely on you guys to cheer me or put a foot in my arse - depending on which I need.