Newbies Nest

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

This is a great interview with a woman whose blog is entitled, "Mrs. D. Goes Without." I'm sure a lot of us can related to what she says.

Mrs D Is Going Without - TV News Video | TVNZ

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

I'm back after a weekend with old friends. One of them is "one of us," and the two of us got some time to have a good long talk about being addicted to alcohol. It really is wonderful to have someone in person to talk to! The rest of the weekend was relaxing and not at all alcohol infused.

One thing that some of this conversation makes me think of is my emerging understanding of the role denial played in my addiction. There is a great Bubble Hour on denial, and I have read about it in other places. It is especially acute in "high functioning alcoholics" (sometimes called HFAs) which many of us seem to be - good jobs, families, no dark nights in gutters. Here is a list from Psychology Today.

The following are ways in which denial may manifest in HFAs:
• believe that they are not alcoholics because their lives are still manageable and/or successful
• avoid recovery help because they are "not that bad"
• label their drinking as "a habit," "a problem," "a vice," or as "abuse"
• compare themselves to alcoholics who have had more wreckage in their lives to justify their drinking
• make excuses for drinking or feel entitled to drink because they have worked or studied hard (use alcohol as a reward)
• think that drinking expensive brands of alcohol or at sophisticated events implies they are not alcoholic
• experience recurrent thoughts that because they have not "lost everything," they have not hit bottom and are not alcoholic
• have a "Teflon brain" that forgets the negative consequences of their drinking and only remembers the positive aspects

I am not putting this here to point fingers or to make anyone feel badly - only to point out that alcohol addiction follows some pretty specific patterns that are well identified. Speaking for myself, reading about alcohol addiction and realizing that I am NOT different, went a long way to my finding acceptance that in fact, my life is SO much better and will continue to be if I don't drink alcohol.

There is a lot of new research in programs where abstinence is not the only answer, but from what I have read all of that work has to be done BEFORE the addiction is settled in to our brains. For those of us who in desperation, (probably not our first desperate moment), log on to a website for alcohol addicts, most likely that ship has sailed. And for me in hindsight, I say bon voyage - I don't want to be on that boat (if I strain my eyes hard enough I can see that the name of the ship is Titanic, but I digress).

Welcome back all you returnees, and hi to all you newbies. Hang on tight and follow the sober successful people (like MyLuck with 266 days!), and it WILL get better.

xo
Pav

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Thanks for that objective, informative post, Pav. This can be such an emotionally-charged topic, sometimes feelings make it tough to think or communicate clearly.

For me, this was key:

... only to point out that alcohol addiction follows some pretty specific patterns that are well identified. Speaking for myself, reading about alcohol addiction and realizing that I am NOT different, went a long way to my finding acceptance that in fact, my life is SO much better and will continue to be if I don't drink alcohol.

I had conducted numerous experiments on myself in an effort to drink less, less often, or stop completely. They all ultimately failed - even those that at first seemed promising. But when I finally understood that I also was not different or special, I stopped experimenting and simply did what the people here who had gotten themselves free were doing. I asked them for advice and then followed it. Sometimes I felt really fake - I was taking the actions but I didn't always believe in what I was doing or that it was going to work. But --- there was no incentive for these people who were voluntarily and freely offering their help to be trying to lead me astray. And they didn't - they lead me out. :h NS

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Greetings Friends,
Byrdie, sending you lots of love and to your friend too, I am sure she appreciates you being with her for these few days, it must be emotional for both of you.
Jo-Vo Thank you for the link I enjoyed watching Mrs D, I was also struck by what an incredible man her husband was, so very gentle, loving, supportive... a really good man.
Daisy lovely to see you on here again, I think as you had been busy you hadn't posted as much, I missed you!
My Luck Great to hear from you, your number of days is inspiring for us all.

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was in pain, not from the operation but crazy though it sounds from the dressing, I now have a very firm one, almost solid that is clever as it has an electronic gadget on it that draws out the infection. The dressing is almost rigid and just seems to dig in but is worth it as it does seem to be getting rid of infection. The weather here right now is really hot, for over one month now I have not been able to bath (due to wound) I can shower but not stand under the shower just hold the hand hold bit to direct it over my body. I so wish with all my heart that I could have a bath, just to lie back in the water would be heaven or even to stand under a shower, I do miss this so much. In addition to this yesterday I could not really focus on anything I was so hot, living up high, no air conditioning, not being able to wash properly etc. I do not want to have chemotherapy, felt out of control ,my flat is getting really messy and grubby, felt awful yesterday. In the midst of this my mum rang me to say that she had been to the doctor for results of a scan that he organised, she has a tumor on her liver,she has to go to the same hospital as me tomorrow for biopsy and further scans and tests. Of course after this I googled liver cancer and sadly she does have several symptoms, fatigue, loss of weight, nausea, itchy skin, loss of appetitie, I knew something was wrong for a while but I did not think it was cancer. At this point I felt that cancer has a real grip and is swallowing us up! I did consider drinking....... I felt that everything was impossible, I didn't drink. I did think it through to how I would feel the next day, I realised that I would feel much worse if I drank, I would have to start at day one on roll call, I would not be able to be there for my mum, I would not be in a position to take on board all that the oncologist said to me (important meeting today). I went for a really long walk, exhausting in the heat, then I went out and bought my mum her favourite chocolate and a cotton nightie so she is less itchy at night and can cope with the heat we are having at the moment.I bought myself some very healthy food and some ice cream (I remembered Rahul talking about ice cream when he wanted a drink) the funny thing is I don't really like ice cream but I bought it, I also bought lots of rather decadent savoury snacks, I felt I needed a boost! By the time I had done all this I didn't want to drink but I did still feel very depressed, still do and I feel annoyed I have been asking for councelling for over two months now, they assured me it would happen... but it still has not!!

So today I see the oncologist to get the results from my tests and to be told when exactly chemotherapy starts. I do not want to go. I have a sense of forboding about these test results, also I live in tremendous fear of chemotherapy, the more I find out about it the worse I get!!

[available]

Newbies Nest

DD i am so sorry to hear about your mum, it does seem like life is throwing you everything at the moment that it can think of. I am happy though to hear that you did not drink as it does solve nothing and puts us back to that place where we dont want to be anymore. Its funny now that we automatically think of having a drink when we get really stressed but we know in our hearts that its not going to happen if we just fill in some time. You DD have all your strategies in place. I dont know if i could possibly be as strong as you are at the moment. I would like to think i would be.

Be positive with your thoughts, honestly i would be a wreck, its our nature to always think the worst but i am truly hoping for the best results for you and i will keeping you in my thoughts. Can you ask the oncologist about counselling or what/where you can go or contact or the receptionist? Surely someone can get the ball rolling on this as it is a very important aspect with cancer. I have a friend who is my age and was diagnosed with anal cancer last year. He is extremely down but no cancer support either. We had a coffee and i bought him a chocolate eclair, let him talk, its the little things he said that make him feel a bit better at the moment and the eclair did it and he didnt share! It breaks my heart that i cant help him.

You can only face the chemo when the time comes DD, get through the days ahead for the moment. I wish we could all be there to help you. Gentle hugs and i am sending you some cool weather from Aus.

[available]

Newbies Nest

DD i am so sorry to hear about your mum, it does seem like life is throwing you everything at the moment that it can think of. I am happy though to hear that you did not drink as it does solve nothing and puts us back to that place where we dont want to be anymore. Its funny now that we automatically think of having a drink when we get really stressed but we know in our hearts that its not going to happen if we just fill in some time. You DD have all your strategies in place. I dont know if i could possibly be as strong as you are at the moment. I would like to think i would be.

Be positive with your thoughts, honestly i would be a wreck, its our nature to always think the worst but i am truly hoping for the best results for you and i will keeping you in my thoughts. Can you ask the oncologist about counselling or what/where you can go or contact or the receptionist? Surely someone can get the ball rolling on this as it is a very important aspect with cancer. I have a friend who is my age and was diagnosed with anal cancer last year. He is extremely down but no cancer support either. We had a coffee and i bought him a chocolate eclair, let him talk, its the little things he said that make him feel a bit better at the moment and the eclair did it and he didnt share! It breaks my heart that i cant help him.

You can only face the chemo when the time comes DD, get through the days ahead for the moment. I wish we could all be there to help you. Gentle hugs and i am sending you some cool weather from Aus.

[available]

Newbies Nest

DD i am so sorry to hear about your mum, it does seem like life is throwing you everything at the moment that it can think of. I am happy though to hear that you did not drink as it does solve nothing and puts us back to that place where we dont want to be anymore. Its funny now that we automatically think of having a drink when we get really stressed but we know in our hearts that its not going to happen if we just fill in some time. You DD have all your strategies in place. I dont know if i could possibly be as strong as you are at the moment. I would like to think i would be.

Be positive with your thoughts, honestly i would be a wreck, its our nature to always think the worst but i am truly hoping for the best results for you and i will keeping you in my thoughts. Can you ask the oncologist about counselling or what/where you can go or contact or the receptionist? Surely someone can get the ball rolling on this as it is a very important aspect with cancer. I have a friend who is my age and was diagnosed with anal cancer last year. He is extremely down but no cancer support either. We had a coffee and i bought him a chocolate eclair, let him talk, its the little things he said that make him feel a bit better at the moment and the eclair did it and he didnt share! It breaks my heart that i cant help him.

You can only face the chemo when the time comes DD, get through the days ahead for the moment. I wish we could all be there to help you. Gentle hugs and i am sending you some cool weather from Aus.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

DD, what a bummer! Your mum, I'm sure is more worried about you....mums just do! And then you about her.....in an odd way you are more focused on how the other person is doing. I can see you both growing in strength......'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' and I can only imagine from what I know of you, that this lady is going to give it all she's got!
Some people sail through chemo and some are hit harder.....something you won't discover until it happens. DD you are made of special stuff...do what you can and delegate when you need to....
Like Ava said, wish we could be all be closer....use us, vent, whatever......
Dad had liver cancer.....I researched a lot if you are ever stuck.....
Keeping you in my prayers.....

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Finally a break in the rain here - at least for a while.

DD, I am so sorry you are feeling so burdened right now. It certainly doesn't seem fair. I wish we could all form a great big circle around you & lend a hand. Please accept our cyber hugs :l:l

Pav, great post, thanks!

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Wednesday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Pavati;1682923 wrote: Hi, Everyone:

I'm back after a weekend with old friends. One of them is "one of us," and the two of us got some time to have a good long talk about being addicted to alcohol. It really is wonderful to have someone in person to talk to! The rest of the weekend was relaxing and not at all alcohol infused.

One thing that some of this conversation makes me think of is my emerging understanding of the role denial played in my addiction. There is a great Bubble Hour on denial, and I have read about it in other places. It is especially acute in "high functioning alcoholics" (sometimes called HFAs) which many of us seem to be - good jobs, families, no dark nights in gutters. Here is a list from Psychology Today.

The following are ways in which denial may manifest in HFAs:
? believe that they are not alcoholics because their lives are still manageable and/or successful
? avoid recovery help because they are "not that bad"
? label their drinking as "a habit," "a problem," "a vice," or as "abuse"
? compare themselves to alcoholics who have had more wreckage in their lives to justify their drinking
? make excuses for drinking or feel entitled to drink because they have worked or studied hard (use alcohol as a reward)
? think that drinking expensive brands of alcohol or at sophisticated events implies they are not alcoholic
? experience recurrent thoughts that because they have not "lost everything," they have not hit bottom and are not alcoholic
? have a "Teflon brain" that forgets the negative consequences of their drinking and only remembers the positive aspects

I am not putting this here to point fingers or to make anyone feel badly - only to point out that alcohol addiction follows some pretty specific patterns that are well identified. Speaking for myself, reading about alcohol addiction and realizing that I am NOT different, went a long way to my finding acceptance that in fact, my life is SO much better and will continue to be if I don't drink alcohol.

There is a lot of new research in programs where abstinence is not the only answer, but from what I have read all of that work has to be done BEFORE the addiction is settled in to our brains. For those of us who in desperation, (probably not our first desperate moment), log on to a website for alcohol addicts, most likely that ship has sailed. And for me in hindsight, I say bon voyage - I don't want to be on that boat (if I strain my eyes hard enough I can see that the name of the ship is Titanic, but I digress).

Welcome back all you returnees, and hi to all you newbies. Hang on tight and follow the sober successful people (like MyLuck with 266 days!), and it WILL get better.

xo
Pav

Pav, this ought to go in the Tool Box!!! No truer words than these right here, denial is more than a river in Egypt, it keeps us stuck in addiction! Thank you for finding and posting that....I coulda used that 4 years ago...(where were you then????) :H

Off to Duke....thank you for your continued prayers of strength. I appreciate you all more than you'll ever know....this place has been the backbone of strength for so long, it is just great to have support when you really need it.

DD, thinking of you at all times....wishing you all the best news! Love to all, Byrdie

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

DD - So sorry to hear about your on-going and new struggles, the pending process of chemo, your mom's health concerns, etc. It does sometimes seem that life throws everything at us all at once. You did an amazing job getting through a difficult day yesterday, and you can do it again. Hang tight to your plan, keep posting here, and if you assert yourself in any way in your treatment, perhaps be more demanding about the counselling. It sounds like having a real live person added to your support team right now would be extremely helpful. We are all here for you as well.

:huggy

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

DD, I'll continue to pray for you and now your mum. You've got a lot on your plate, but I'm so glad you chose not to drink so you can be strong for yourself and your mother. That was such a nice gesture of you to buy her chocs and a nice nightgown for comfort. And the yummy treats for yourself are def. in order, so glad you made those great choices.:l

Pav, awesome post! Yes, toolbox worthy!

Trying to find the one little thing that makes us different than the rest is quite tricky. But really, when we're doing that, we're in full-mode denial. We don't want to believe that we have this disease. But this is the great part...I don't know of any disease that when in recovery from it brings such great results, happiness, health, healing of relationships, and so much more. Kind of ironic, ain't it!!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Wow DD, you have some pretty hard stuff you're facing now. Great job staying sober. I thought of you with wagmore's signature, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I awoke to an unusual 3am thunderstorm over our house last night. I was really glad I was sober. I usually feel like dogsh!t at that hour, and I enjoyed it instead. Made me realize that its the simple things in life we forget that we don't have when numbed up with AL. Even more so for the high functioning, like Pavati discussed, because we think we still have it all together. Maybe just taking the leap of faith - day by day - even if I don't believe (thanks NoSugar) - will bring me to the place the veterans here have come to find... peace.

Best to everyone, and may we all be grateful for something simple and sober today.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,
I'm late signing in today--after a day out with the kids and the strongest pulls I've had to buy a bottle of wine thus far, I'm sitting comfortably at home and while the pizza dough rises I have a couple of minutes to write. It helps me so much to have all of you on my side when I'm having the stinkin' thinkin'-- knowing you are also on this path, struggling at times, offering a hand at other times.

DD, You're in my thoughts and in my prayers.:l I, too, wish we could all be there in person to support you and your mom. I hope it works out soon with your counselor-- It would help immensely to have someone to speak to in person about your concerns and fears.

Byrdie, I am sorry to hear about your dear friend -- sending you strength and love...:h

Kensho, that first post that Byrdie dug up was very powerful.. I have to say that I understand what you're saying now. Unfortunately, (talking from my own personal experience!) we all have to make our own way. We all have to "prove" it to ourselves that we aren't able to moderate/control our drinking. This addiction is progressive, as we know, and at some point, for most, if not all people who visit this site, it will be bad enough that there is NO doubt in our minds about what we have to do. I don't know your history-- it looks, from your first post, that you've been thinking about this/trying to cut down/quit for a long time. I think it's great that you're giving it 30 days to begin with!! You'll see how things develop-- You've got the support of all of us here.

Pav, I loved that post! I think I was a fairly HFA for years--UNTIL...... At some point it just wasn't possible to function any more. This past year, every time I called in "sick" I was so hungover that I couldn't possibly function. I called in a lot with stories of myself, my kids.

How are you doing today, Momof3?? Soft focus? BrandNewDay?

Off to make some dinner.. Wishing you all well..

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Checking in. Friend is still hanging in.