Newbies Nest

[LavenderBlue]

NoSugar - Thank you for the compliment, I'm glad I explained it in the right way. And really, thank you for the first thought. I had a wonderful chaplain in the Army when I was much younger, and he told me some of the most powerful thoughts about forgiveness that I'd ever heard. A lot about how you don't forgive people for THEIR sake, you do it for your own. At 17/18 that changed my thoughts about a lot of things, you know? It also helped me sort things when the other person doesn't "deserve" my forgiveness - the idea that it's not about that, not about making them feel better or letting them hurt me again; it's about doing something healthy for ME. So by you making the comparison, you opened up a pretty powerful memory for me that I can use in my recovery, since I need to stay focused on THAT for my own sake, too. <3

Kensho - I don't know if it will help or not, but I can share some of what's kept me going in the flat spots. It's kind of a combination of negative and positive things. Like, I can see how far forward my life as a whole has come since I stopped drinking. I'm eating and sleeping better, relationships are better, I've lost weight...all of those things. Everytime I think "Ok, well, this is probably as fixed as it's going to get" another month goes by and I realize that I'm still healing. Slower than at first, but still definitely more now than say 3 months ago.

I can also see how much more I still want to do - I want to get back into exercising again, I need to do a lot of financial fixes, there's hobbies I dropped that I'd still like to pick up again. And everytime I think of one of those things that I REALLY want to do, I ask myself if I did any of it while I was drinking. Well, no. The AL brain is sometimes all "Oh, but you totally COULD, you did when you were younger right?" The thing is, I'm not younger anymore, I'm not in the early parts of my dance with AL. I went all the way around the dancefloor and I've got a whole LONG list of things I wanted to do that I didn't while I was drinking. And you know, it's not like I WANTED to be miserable; I think if I could have controlled it I would have!

I'm not trying to sound like it's always easy for me, because it's not. But I know the kind of life I really want to have, I know I'm not there yet, and I know AL only ever got in my way of getting there. I feel more in control now but that's because I'm not drinking now! You've come so far with your quit, sending you all kinds of support to keep going with it.

JACQRABBIT - Hi and nice to meet you, sometimes I talk a LOT. xD Sometimes it's a weird thing that kicks you in the rear, I don't know how that works. I had a lot of reasons I should have quit, but for some reason it didn't hit home for me until I'd gotten into a fight - and not even a BAD one - with a friend of mine. Just a dumb thing that didn't even last long, but for whatever reason it was that moment that made me really start looking at all the ways things were horrible and putting them together with my drinking.

For me, I've found that I can still be plenty fun sober - I know it sounds like such a line, but it really is true. It's taken time to find my new normal there, but I'm liking it much more. Now when I'm being goofy or weird I know it's really *me* and not just the drink talking. Well, that and I can stay within boundaries much better instead of one second I'm fine and funny and the next second I'm going too far. I bet the old timers will have some great insight, though - glad you've come out of lurker status!

EDIT: Oh, also just to give an update, I'm doing ok with the friend thing. In a weird way it's like the drinking - the first few days are hardest, but once I break out of the immediate habit it gets better to deal with. I'm making myself reconnect with some of my other friends - which sounds like a horrible way to phrase it, but oh well. And I picked up a specific type of vinegar that might work alright for the marinade. I realize it's not the same taste, but the magic of Google said it might work alright for what I need it for.

[available]

Jac welcome to the nest. Not the life of the party, well i am not anymore either and that suits me fine. I dont need to be someone elses fool. I was always talked about but at the end of the day i am 50 and i did need to grow up. al gave me courage but it also gave me a lot of other problems. When i was in the early stages of my quit i felt left out, angry, resentful, sad, bored, deprived that i could not be fun, i could not have a good time but i didnt let myself as i was always feeling like i said above. Acceptance is a wonderful tool that comes with some time. Protect you quit with your life, if people put pressure on you, it is probably a guarantee that you will drink. Maybe others are jealous that you have stopped drinking and its what they want to do but cant. I love my life without al and sure i am not as much fun as i used to be but that was the al, that was not me.

Kensho, where you are at is where a hell of a lot of people fail and drink. Is this it? No dancing parade, no street parades for me not drinking. Oh i so wanted that and i got zilch. It took me awhile to realise that this is it, this is my life now and i am sober. Keep plodding Kensho and as long as you dont drink you will be okay. It gets better, we hit flat spots and they are hard to get through. our al brain will try and open that door to be let in, it is up to you to show your strength in telling it to feck off. You are still realistically in the early days of your quit. I figured i poured al down my throat for an awfully long time and it would take an awfully long time to recover and it has. Look at the stats on here, how many long timers do you see and how many newbies? It is hard to get to where Lav, Byrd, NS, Pav etc are now. A lot dont make it, dont be one of them. You have invested a lot into your sobriety so keep investing and you will see a return in a few months or you will drink and we know where that leads. You can do this!

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

Kensho! Good on you for posting here. You are describing the first stages of relapse - they include
romanticizing your past use;
fantasizing about using;
thinking about relapsing (or drinking);
thinking about people, places or things you used to associate with alcohol;
denying emotions - not facing how you're really feeling (about anything, not just alcohol).

There are also signs of an emotional relapse - anxiety, anger, lack of sleep. It sounds like with all of the focus on work you have gradually withdrawn from your sober community (you don't post here as much), and you are not taking as good care of yourself as you could. Suggestions to prevent the final stage of relapse - drinking - include:

Taking it one day at a time. Right now, "forever" might seem overwhelming. Stay sober today and each day.
Telling someone you're having urges or thoughts (check!)
Distract yourself.
Relax
Playing it through to the end. Imagine you have a drink. Then what? What about a week from now? A month from now? Is any drink worth that?? ( I put this in bold because it really works for me).

Good for you for posting. I hope some of that helps. Take good care of yourself, and don't drink, no matter what.

Jacqrabbit - Welcome back. It is expected that you didn't have as much fun on Saturday night - you haven't had the time to get used to being sober in a party situation. It took me a while to find my sober social self, but I did find her. I still laugh, dance, act inappropriate when possible - all without alcohol. I went to a weekend reunion and my family didn't even know I wasn't drinking because I was so much fun and I had so much fun. It will come with time, I promise. You'll also find other things that are more fun, or differently fun. I refocused many of my weekend nights to be present with my kids more. We watch movies together, play games, etc. Before that would have cut into my drinking time. Settle yourself in here, and let us support you.

Another un-hung Sunday, in Narilly's words. Love 'em. Truly do. You'll come to love them, too.

Pav

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters!

Dealing with a day long snow/ice event here today - yuck.

Hello & welcome JACRABBIT!
Glad you decided to join us & get control of your life once again. Kicking AL out is the best possible choice. Make a good plan for yourself & don't worry about missing the 'fun'. We frequently talk about working on our gratitude, not what we are missing. it really helps

Kensho, don't listen to the mind chatter - it's pure BS!
We've all been there & done that & the result is always the same. it's madness to keep putting ourselves through all that. You have a great quit going so be kind to yourself!

Pauly, good on your 30 AF days :yay:

Greetings to everyone else & sending wishes for a safe & cozy night in the nest for all!

Lav

[available]

Dutch a huge congrats on 7 straight gloriously hard days being af, keep it going, the worst is over. Well i thought my first week was horrendously horrible ha ha. Be proud of yourself today. Every day ending in a Y without al!.

[Orimus]

GMAE all. Just checking in. Friday nearly lost all the protection for 12k users then had to go on a conference call with upper management about why I should take on 10k more. Bad week for my team as a fellow team member made a 30k mistake so mine .....we both could've lost our jobs and me .... my team just asked if I fixed it. Missed my friend's manicotti.

[NoSugar]

Kensho, At one level, I feel totally disconnected from my drinking life. In some ways I can't even believe it happened. I feel like the person I was before I started drinking more than the occasional glass of wine sometime in my late 30s. I don't want to forget, though, so I force myself to think about it sometimes and remember the fake trips to the grocery or drugstore (always a different one from the time before!) where I bought random stuff to "mask" the wine I was after or relive the surreptitious trips to the kitchen to drink wine in the dark directly from the spout of a cheap box of wine. Just typing that last bit made my face flush. I think about the various hiding places around my house, the bike rides through the park to dispose of empties, the early morning check to see how much I drank or what I made for dinner.... I feel like I'm writing about someone else and in many ways, I am. I don't force myself to remember all that as a punishment but as a means to not let myself forget what I never want to suffer again. For me, staying connected here really helps. Others may have different strategies but I'd really encourage you to do whatever it takes not to lose that connection - it doesn't have to negatively affect your life but can help you stay on the positive path you're on. We need to forgive ourselves but we shouldn't forget.

[KENSHO]

THANK YOU. WOW. Humbled. I can't believe I was entertaining that voice for even a second. Damn, it's sneaky. I am proud of what I accomplished the last two weeks, both with my projects, and with my relationships. And those things DO take time. But I have to find time to reinforce my quit - always. Bummer, poor me, I actually have to MAINTAIN this quit - I guess they call it that for a reason. Ok, got it. There is no "end". There is acceptance of a problem, facing our fears, becoming stronger, learning who we are, and enjoying the benefits of a sober life - but it's not "getting there" and then "being done." It's a daily acceptance of what it means to have overcome an addiction to AL - it means that we will always become addicted to AL. Ok, let me feel sad for a moment about that... OK I'm done. I accept that I will always have to make time to nurture my quit because I "can't drink just one without obsessing." (as Byrdie just put it). Thank you all immeasurably. Please ask me what the hell I'm doing if I become scarce again. :heartbeat:

[JACQRABBIT]

Thanks Pavati, Available and Lavender for your reassurance that I will have fun again.
In particular Available, my goodness much of that short message struck a nerve.
I am in my forties and you have made me wonder if it was me the 'party girl' that people loved to be around or me 'the idiot'
Either way at the end of the day the thing that matters most is that it's me 'the wife' not the party gal or otherwise that the husband wants to be around.

[enzo'smom]

Wow Kensho: that is EXACTLY how I felt a couple of years ago….but instead of coming on here and being honest about it like you did , I decided in my oh so arrogant way, that I had this thing licked. That I could continue remaining AF without MWO. Without AA. HA!!!!! no way. It started with a couple of sips of my husband's drink when we went out to dinner. Then there was some reason to celebrate (of course, I can't remember what the reason was now so it must not have been anything spectacular) so I had one glass of wine. I thought, wow, look at me!!! Only drinking one glass of wine!!!! Then, the next time, it was two glasses…but I thought 2 glasses isn't too much…..i won't wake up with a hangover from 2 glasses of wine. And then the next time, the whole bottle was gone and then it was "oh well, if I am drinking, I might as well drink every night….I deserve it after a long day's work….."

I sound like such an idiot!!! I was an idiot. Here is the problem with this alcoholic. I drank to quell anxiety, depression, boredom, stress…..Of course drinking made all of those things worse in the long run, but it did the trick for about 2 hours….but then I would pass out, sleep terribly….well, you know the vicious cycle….So being sober, I need to address those reasons why I drank in the first place. I need to figure out a way to treat my anxiety, depression, boredom, stress, etc. without alcohol. If I don't work on that, I will go back to drinking.

So now, I spend a good chunk of time EVERY MORNING reading about this disease, posting here, emailing my AA sponsor with a list of gratitudes, then during day I go to meetings….and after 2 months of this, I am starting to change. I feel like I have reached another plain….with a lot of self searching and honesty, I am beginning to see a new way to live. This isn't something that is being dropped into my lap….it does take a lot of work but the work does pay off.

[Mstall]

Morning Nest! Just a fly by as i'm working another 10 hour day and i'm running behind already!

Make good choices out there! I know i will.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Everything is iced over here in my portion of the nest - freezing!!!

Kensho, glad you are feeling better now!
We all have to do what we have to do to keep ourselves & our quits safe
Jennie, you are working hard too, good for you!

Wishing everyone a good AF Monday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
A good weekend here, I kept busy....I find this to be a great strategy for staying sober. When I have time to think, or I get bored, that's when those stupid voices start!

J-Rabbit, believe it or not, I was just having this conversation with someone. She has an alcohol problem and used to post on MWO quite a bit. We have remained friends and she said to me that she had trouble socializing without lubricant. I understand this completely. In fact, that was MY argument (I invented that one!!). So I told her this: We are now in our 50's, it is NOT a gook look on us to be the life of the party anymore. Let us leave that to the 20-somethings who have a longer runway in front of them. She countered that she just couldn't do it without a drink, and I told her that she COULD, if that were her only choice!!! The person you think AL brings out is still within you, when you dig deep enough, you will find her. Truth is, most of us are lazy and want the quick path from Wall Flower to Social Sue. Over time, you can reach down and find your social skills. This does not come overnight, it is a skill....just like math, or cake decorating. With practice, it becomes second nature. You don't use those muscles if you depend on your crutch, AL. The good news is that I can still ACT funny and tell my jokes, but now I have an edit button. I don't dance as much, but the truth is, I was never any good at it anyway (Elaine on Seinfeld). There are some that shouldn't dance...I'm one of those! Now I just sway back and forth, it works for me. In your note, I saw a great deal of justification for AL, and a great deal of concern about what others will think. Once you get your AF legs, you will learn that what others' think is the least of our problems! Nobody REALLY cares! We THINK they do because we want to justify that drink (or 10). If you read back on our thread, you will see those of us who even have to trump what our spouses think! The only ones that truly know the hell of addiction are the ones stuck in it. We are in survival mode... this is the fight of our lives. You will have fun again....REAL fun, honest FUN, like when you were a kid. Not the fake stuff that comes out of a bottle. Stick with us, you will open up new doors for yourself!

Kensho, so glad to see you reach out and get the responses you did. It doesn't pay to wander off from the MotherShip! My quit is my #1 priority, so I make time to be here. So glad you are back on board. This is a lifelong party and we got an invitation, it takes maintenance to stay the course. Hugs dear lady,

Hope everyone has an easy day! MindPeace, Byrdie

Edit to add:
Congratulations to Dutch on 7 days! As Ava said, the worst is behind you! Please accept this 2-cheeked salute from us! :butt: That's a full moon! You've conquered every day that a week can throw at you. No cracks from us, we are PROUD of you!! Well done!

[Dutch1988]

Thanks Ava and Byrd, seems pretty crazy I am even doing this. It was nice waking up this morning not feeling hungover from a Sunday of "moderate" drinking. In the past I have had spells of success modding while going to the gym 4 days and drinking the other three, except id drink so much on the 3 days it was like I was making up for the 4 days off. Work stress was bad last week, I'm not looking forward to going back, that plus my back still being jacked gives means I am going to have to stay positive and not get too stressed, Monday is definitely a trigger for me, but not as bad as the weekend so that's good.

Good luck to Kensho and J-Rabbit, I'll keep reading your guys posts in case I can offer my experiences of I think I can relate.

[Overit-still]

Good morning everyone! A GREAT sober non hungover Monday morning. I got up in the night and immediately thought "OMG! This is Monday!" but then I realized, " hey wait, I'm sober, I'm not hungover, no reason to dread this day!" I felt like dancing right there and then at 2:30 AM on my way to the bathroom!

What a GREAT feeling.

Good to see everyone checking in. It kind of feels like we're all out camping and one at a time, we are waking up and poking our heads out of our sleeping bags. LAV and Byrdie are right there with a warm cup of coffee greeting us one at a time to a beautiful morning!

Stay close everyone.

Edited to say that I wish I could underling the statement "What a GREAT feeling." 10 million times! I mean it. I'm so thankful to be starting this Monday not under my usual cloud of sickness, and tiredness, and guilt and shame and remorse and wondering what I said last night that was not nice to my husband and the anxiety of trying to stay sober long enough today to take my pill, and wanting to eat every greasy thing in sight and just wanting to go home and cry because I feel like I'm dying from the flu but knowing I would pick up a bottle at the store first to ward off the horrible feelings but also knowing at about 3:00 I would be bouncing off the walls ready to celebrate because I feel 100% better and then wanting to celebrate that with a bottle.........It just never ends in that sick cycle.