Newbies Nest

[Dutch1988]

I know I've been logging on here multiple times a day, just rereading posts because I keep having random cravings. Today has been the worst day. I have tried everything for my back to no avail, called in to work to stay home, which is a tough decision since I own s business with my brother and we both split the work. Working real hard not to get down on myself and go buy something. My minds telling me it's a analgesic and it won't hurt but I know better and that I would be back to square one. If I can just get through this I know I will be okay, didn't realize how much I depend on exercising to deal with my stress.

I haven't had the exact same experience as everyone, I feel the longer I am on here the more open I become about my life. Still, I don't know what I will do if I can't do martial arts or go to the gym or something. I don't really have any other hobbies that can distract me from drinking, at least until I get out of this habit phase. Well, here's hoping I don't give in with the boredom and stress...

[Overit-still]

Dutch-boy do I know what you mean. I had an injury that lasted more than 1 year. I gained weight, got depressed, drank, ate, went down a very bad hole. I am just now starting to pull myself up. What did I do that worked? Obviously nothing. But, I do know that how we handle our adversities shows our real souls. I failed that test. I whined, groaned, complained, had every pity party in the book. I wasn't very good at it and am frankly embarrassed at my behavior to my friends that are in shape and take life in stride. I used to be a leader and they have pretty much left me in the dust, not that they haven't tried to pull me along. What a waste I turned out to be. Now, I have to get sober AGAIN and lose 25# that I gained in the mean time!

Please, do not let yourself get down. You can keep up on a healthy diet. You can stay sober because you are better than that stupid drink. This may take some time but you have got to get through this. Drinking is not going to solve any problem except make you feel worse about yourself than you do now.

Stay close and strap in tight!

[Pavati]

Hi All:

I spend about 15-20 minutes a day on MWO unless I'm in for a yarn or struggling with something. No doubt my connections here keep me sober. My sobriety HAS to come first - it keeps me on track with everything else. I talked to my husband and told him how necessary this was, and now I usually stick my nose in after dinner when he is cleaning the kitchen and the kids are doing homework. He used to get annoyed until I sat him down and explained the whole support community concept. I think he's getting it...

Ava - glad you gave that guy a second chance - I like the sober you, too!

Good Morning, Nesters!
I don't dance as much, but the truth is, I was never any good at it anyway (Elaine on Seinfeld).

HAH - I've been called Elaine several times - and I STILL dance. Who gives a crap what others think, and I have fun. (Actually, I can't believe that you give a crap either, Byrdie!) I must admit that I'm not on the floor singing along to Sweet Caroline all night long, but I have noticed that for many of my "normal" friends that period is over as well. Age has its benefits...

Endorphins and exercise are KEY to my sobriety. I have a bum knee so I can't run, but I have given myself another physical challenge - a long hike this summer. Training for it is meditative, gets my endorphins humming, and occasionally is a great way to spend quality time with good friends. I can't wait.

Overit - I woke up at about 4:00 this morning and couldn't sleep either. I also had the thought of how differently I would feel if it were the alcohol waking me instead of just "me." I HATED that time in the middle of the night, sweating, anxiety ridden, sad, lonely and afraid. What a JOY it is to wake up in the middle of the night and feel fine - feel like it is ok to hang out with my thoughts for a while.

When those sober rock stars ahead of me used to say that eventually I wouldn't care what other people thought about my drinking or not, I honestly didn't believe them. I thought I cared too deeply about it to ever get over it, and as usual, I thought I was different than everyone else. And guess what - they were right. I'm not bullshitting you. It seems that with alcohol addiction, time DOES heal all wounds.

And with that, I will leave you with something I post from time to time - a friend with knowledge about recovery sent it to me in my first month or two. It helps keep things in perspective for me.


"But you don't understand!" we spluttered, trying to cover up. "I'm different! I've really got it rough!" We used these lines over and over in our active addiction, either trying to escape the consequences of our actions or avoid following the rules that applied to everyone else. We may have cried them at our first meeting. Perhaps we've even caught ourselves whining them recently.

So many of us feel different or unique. As addicts, we can use almost anything to alienate ourselves. But there's no excuse for missing out on recovery, nothing that can make us ineligible for the program- not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything. There are thousands of addicts who have found recovery despite the real hardships they've faced. Through working the program, their spiritual awareness has grown, in spite of-or perhaps in response to those hardships.

Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery. By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we're bound to find that we feel a part of something. And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all.

Just for Today: I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principles of recovery I have in common with so many others. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me into it.


Ok, nest. Good night. Stay sober.

Pav

[ADP]

Thanks for this Pavati, I used to make excuses all the time and now that I made the descision to stay AF have no where to hide. I call in here as often as possible to also see the 'Rockstars'! They truely rock!! I want to be on their stage too.......maybe one day.........

ADP

[NoSugar]

I want to be on their stage too.......maybe one day.........

The great thing about this, ADP, is that whether you climb up on that sober stage is entirely up to you. You don't need connections, or luck, or money, or a particular degree - you just need to decide that you're done drinking and take the steps to make it so. There aren't too many things in life that we can have simply because we want them and are willing to change but thank goodness, this is one. And the tools and support you need are here so you're on your way :smile:.

[TheSunFlower97]

I can never keep up with all you guys....love reading the posts. Thank you for the inspiration.

[frances]

I also have trouble sometimes keeping up but I am on here every day reading - I do not post every day, but I did for the first several months - now I still log on and read once or twice daily. It is very important to me, it is too easy to lose the strength we've developed by slipping away. It's like exercise, if you don't keep it up, you will lose the benefits. I need to read and remind myself of who I am, why I am here, and how easy it is for it to all go downhill if I don't stay on top of it.

[Lavande]

Good morning nesters,

SF & frances, great to see both of you
I used to be better at keeping up with every single individual in the nest but my granny brain is making it harder, ha ha! Still it's a good thing to check in once or twice a day.

ADP, keep putting one foot in front of the other & you will make your goal! We all started with a day 1 & just kept going

Wishing everyone a good AF Tuesday!

Lav

[enzo'smom]

another sober reference for me.
12:45 am last night 2 cops knock on our door. They are investigating an armed robbery and need to question my son in their investigation.....he was a bystander and it was between two kids (involved stolen jewelry at knifepoint….from my hometown!!! I am assuming it was over drugs)
I was completely sober and able to listen to what the police were saying and digest. I remember everything they said.
Instead of overreacting or crying or yelling I remained calm and was able to support my terrified son.
They questioned him and he corroborated the victim's statements so they took to him police station to make a statement.
If this doesn't teach him the seriousness of what he is doing, I don't know what will.......actually i take that back.....it will be jail, an institution or death....
Now, typing this, I am feeling the tears come but they are tears of gratitude for my sobriety. Without it, had I been drinking, I would have made a very scary situation a gazillion times worse.
So for now, I am calm, my son is asleep and he will be ok in terms of the law.
the "not my kid" is now my kid but I am ready to handle it soberly and productively.

[KENSHO]

Good morning! Good job staying sober and facing your evening with clarity Jennie! As tough as that must have been, it would have compounded the problem to be drinking!

I was remembering this morning the lengths I used to go to hide my drinking. I remember timing my "bathroom trips" appropriately, and then sneaking into the kitchen through the other door while hubs was watching tv - and tipping the wine bottle - again and again. (I really had to pee a lot!) I remember sneaking out to my car, where I hid a bottle in the middle console of my car. I filled the liquor bottles with water until I could stop at the liquor store and buy a potpourri of 5 different varieties to come home and fill them back up. I would hide bottles in my office closet, underwear drawer, work bag. At a concert with my husband, I went to the bathroom, picked up a beer and chugged it before I got back to our seat so he wouldn't know (or share). Once, toward the end of my drinking career, my husband saw me tip a tequila bottle to my lips from the counter at a friends house - through a window. If that's not an ugly picture, I don't know what is! Thank goodness I don't have this irrational need any more - to go to sneaky and dishonest lengths to get "a little more". Blech!

[Byrdlady]

Wow, great posts overnight as usual!
I'm not from Missouri, but I'm a 'show me' type of person. Seeing IS believing and even sometimes, even then I don't believe it! I found MWO in the fall of 2009 and joined in 2010. At one time, there used to be a counter on how many visitors we'd have in a day. It looked like an average of 2000+ DAILY. I'm not sure if I BELIEVE that or not, but I do know that over the years, I've seen 1000's of people come and go from our boards and the NN, specifically (where I hang out). Of those 1000's of people, I can think of 3 that left and continue to be sober. Remember this game isn't finished either, hopefully, we all have LONG lives ahead of us. Maybe I was more hard core than the average MWO'er, but I know that those few times that I have gone a few days without checking in that I felt less accountable to 'those people' and more in charge of myself. I must say, that I've been in charge of myself before and I didn't do such a great job! Being accountable here makes all the difference for me. How on Earth could I let Lav down? Or NS, the P-Ava Twins, Turn, Pinecone? This place matters. It may be virtual, but it's very real to me. I must say that THIS community is a lot more convenient than leaving the house for rehab, or going to meetings. It really IS a small price to pay for all that I've gained. I'm not on the recruiting committee or anything, but people DO ask me 'How have you been able to stay sober?' THIS is how. Certainly nobody can MAKE you do it, like nobody can make you get sober, but I WANT to stay sober, and I know this is how I can do it. I want to STAY sober more than I want to drift off and 'be free to live my life without thinking of AL'. Believe me, you will NEVER NOT think about AL. We are AL addicts, we think about it plenty! (like it or not)

Dutch....two things struck me about your post that I wanted to comment on. I have had back problems also, and I know that WALKING is one of the best things you can do for it. You may be sidelined in your big workouts, but the benefits of walking can still be had. Is this a possibility? The other thing is that you mentioned 'here's hoping I don't give in with boredom and stress'. When I was starting (and even now) I discovered that the times when I am thrown off balance are those times for which I am not prepared. It takes a PLAN. I'm in sales, and I know when I try to 'wing it' with a customer, I have a screwed up sales call. When I PLAN it out and anticipate the objections, it goes according to script. If you PLAN that you WILL get bored and have stuff in place, you will get thru it according to that plan. If you look around my home, I have filled my time with stuff I picked back up from my teen years! Knitting, Making potholders! Baking! Jewelry making! I know everyone isn't crafty like I am, but doing something that gives you a nice result is satisfying. If you have a pet, maybe you could volunteer at a nursing home and take your dog in for visits? THOSE poor souls are SO grateful! Volunteer your time somewhere! Get involved in something that's bigger than just you. Putting myself in the service of others has helped me tremendously. If you are bored out of your tree, start reading the NN thread from it's inception! You will find EVERY scenario on earth has been covered in these 8 years! You do not have to be bored! There are 1000's of useful things you can do! Don't let that become an excuse to drink! (like I did!) As alkies, that's what we do best! (try to find REASONS to go back). Recognize this as a symptom of this affliction and you will be miles ahead!

Sunflower, it is FANTASTIC to see you. Just jump in, no need to feel lost, we are CURRENT here! How are you doing?? Let us know how you've been getting on? We are all ears and thrilled that you are here in the nest! (pat, pat....take a seat by me!)

Everyone is doing great! Have an easy Tooosday! Byrdie

[Healthybutempty]

Hello how is everyone today? I am having a bit of a tough time right now in a moment of weakness yesterday i bought some al i didnt open it and i went to the mall to return it this morning but the cops were there and werent letting anyone in there was a bomb threat or something like that so i ended up not being able to return the bottle. now we are home and the thoughts are screaming at me and my boyfriend is getting drunk right next to me as hes telling me i shouldnt drink. ugh. Lord give me strength.

[Overit-still]

You all must be fast readers because sometimes it takes me forever to catch up!

Good morning! Sleepy these last few days but that's OK. Excuse me..............OK, had to take my pills. Anyhoo....I just had to laugh at AL this morning when it started talking to me. I'm minding my own business, getting ready for work, thinking about a weekend trip coming up and the thought popped in my head that my lovely husband would really appreciate it if I drank with him, which he would. Remember, he doesn't think I have a problem and until I spin my head he thinks I'm more fun too. So the thoughts started with when I would have to quit taking my pills for it to be safe (comfortable) for me to drink. Then I caught on to what was happening and said "What? No, remember this is for life, this is real, this is forever, permanent, I just don't do that anymore." AND SHUT IT DOWN! What a nut that AV is. Just minding my own business and he thinks he can just slink right in there. GET BACK JACK!

So, refocused, not that I got off balance.

Then I started thinking in real life. What if my husband really pushed the issue of him wanting me to drink? This is what he signed up for by the way. I was a fun drinker when we got together. He didn't sign up for this mature, reasonable non drinker. hhmmmm..........I know I cannot go back to that life and live. Interesting thoughts. Probably pretty heavy for 8:00 in the morning huh?

[Hanna]

Hi nesters

Well, I guess I am back. Feeling very dark today. I actually took antabuse this morning, because I simply can't trust myself. My son is home from college for one week for his spring break, and caught me with alcohol last night. To think that I recently almost had a month sober, and managed to screw it up now that he is home. Makes me sick. I think what I am finding most difficult is the fact that whether or not I am drinking, I still have to struggle with this. That is painful. I am hoping that a couple of days away from al with the antabuse will help me get my head back to a better place so I can move ahead with the positivity I felt before. But I honestly don't know. It just seems like as hard as I try, I cannot seem to combat this awful thing.

Sorry to be such a downer, but it is what it is. I wish I could just close my eyes and it would all go away, but of course that is a childhood fantasy. I hate the fact that this issue makes me a disappointment to others, when all I really want is to not do this. It just seems so unfair. What other illness do we as a society blame the ill? I am not making excuses here for drinking, but the truth is, I am, and have been, trying so hard for so long. Encouragement does not come for the efforts, or even the successes, nearly as much as anger and disappointment for the failures. Not just from others but toward ourselves. Well, hopefully my next posts will be lighter than this one.

[Overit-still]

Hanna-you said your son "caught you" What does that mean? Were you hiding in a dark room? Did he think you were sober? What was his reaction? Not trying to be nosy but when I actually put my feelings and those of other into words.....actually say them out loud, it becomes so much more real to me. I can't easily dismiss it.

I'm glad you took your antabuse. I would be in the bottom of the bottle without it.