Newbies Nest

[aihfl]

Okay, good point aihfl.
I did some research on AA but it did not seem to be my cup of tea.
We are all different. What I realised was that I had stopped drinking in the past with no trouble. It had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stop on my own.
It probably would have been easier to just go to AA, but I managed and now have no desire to experiment and see if I am cured?
I know that I am not. :eyes:

The reason I bring this up (and I don't mean to rub anyone the wrong way, but probably will, but this needs to be said) is that I perceive this forum to be long on encouragement and little on meaningful advice. Yes, a demoralized person on Day 1 needs encouragement. But it has to go beyond, "You can do this." I think given the amount of relapses I see here (my own included), a lot of folks need the structure that comes from support groups (in my case AA) and a professional. Not everyone needs it, but if someone keeps trying to stay sober but yet keeps drinking, it needs to be clear to them that what they're doing is not sufficient and something has to change. Reference my definition of insanity above. It wasn't until the therapist in my last detox/rehab stay (which ended March 30th) and my friends in AA hammered that point home. The best of intentions does not keep one sober. It's having plans and coping strategies in place that does.

[ssd858]

I think that the people on this forum do offer much more than encouragement. The toolbox is a wealth of information. And Byrdie is known for her sharing of how we must make a Plan. And so much has to change to break free of this poison!

Staying away from situations that are too tempting in the beginning is crucial. Most evenings we eat at home now instead of going out. We did go out to lunch this weekend and I thought hard about choosing a restaurant where I would not be tempted to order wine. I chose a restaurant that doesn't offer my wine of choice and ordered a na beer.

A counselor or support group or AA in addition to this support group would be great! I just enrolled in the hip sobriety course. It seems very promising.

[Fin]

The reason I bring this up (and I don't mean to rub anyone the wrong way, but probably will, but this needs to be said) is that I perceive this forum to be long on encouragement and little on meaningful advice. Yes, a demoralized person on Day 1 needs encouragement. But it has to go beyond, "You can do this." I think given the amount of relapses I see here (my own included), a lot of folks need the structure that comes from support groups (in my case AA) and a professional. Not everyone needs it, but if someone keeps trying to stay sober but yet keeps drinking, it needs to be clear to them that what they're doing is not sufficient and something has to change. Reference my definition of insanity above. It wasn't until the therapist in my last detox/rehab stay (which ended March 30th) and my friends in AA hammered that point home. The best of intentions does not keep one sober. It's having plans and coping strategies in place that does.

This time for me I'm working with an addictions psychologist and have begun to seek out other men that I know who are sober. I have let them know what my situation is and they have ALL been supper supportive. I have also told my family. Having all this in place is what's different for me this time based on advice received here. What appeals to me about this place is that it allows people to find their own path while providing a reminder that we're not alone in this particular struggle. I like that people don't preach, or push advice. What does resonate are the stories AND the successes (and failures). Anyway, just my two cents based on my own experience.

[aihfl]

What appeals to me about this place is that it allows people to find their own path while providing a reminder that we're not alone in this particular struggle. I like that people don't preach, or push advice. What does resonate are the stories AND the successes (and failures).

Agreed, but keep in mind that for some, "doing it my way" leads right back to square one. Sometimes, external impetus is what is required. I probably would not have made it almost two months if it hadn't been for a little "preaching" from my peers, therapist and psychiatrist.

[Eloise]

You have to do it your way aihfl, if preaching is what you needed very good you found people to do this for you.

osterpeace:

[NoraC]

I think bottom line is that it has to be something that you have to do for yourself.
I tried to quit for everyone else. I went to AA. I saw a therapist. I tried meds. Nothing made me stop drinking.
Then I had an incident that happened at home. (Hubby found my booze) I haven't had a drink since then. But, this was not the first time that he had found it. But, maybe this is the time that I decided I WANTED to quit. I don't know.
But, I do know that this last 9 months has been full of me looking here for tools/support and getting it. The people/friends that have stood by me here over the years and never gave up are still here with me. The tools were here all along. I just didn't use them. :heartbeat:

[aihfl]

I think bottom line is that it has to be something that you have to do for yourself.
I tried to quit for everyone else. I went to AA. I saw a therapist. I tried meds. Nothing made me stop drinking.
Then I had an incident that happened at home. (Hubby found my booze) I haven't had a drink since then. But, this was not the first time that he had found it. But, maybe this is the time that I decided I WANTED to quit. I don't know.
But, I do know that this last 9 months has been full of me looking here for tools/support and getting it. The people/friends that have stood by me here over the years and never gave up are still here with me. The tools were here all along. I just didn't use them. :heartbeat:

Yes, I too was the poster child for failed sobriety. I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, and I was going to AA regularly, though I wasn't doing anything I was taught to do. I didn't call people when I wanted to drink, I didn't have a sponsor, and I sure as heck didn't try working the steps.

Everything I say is in no way aimed at people who have a track record at sobriety, but on the other hand, I don't think it can hurt to suggest to those struggling with sobriety that they might want to listen to the people that have a track record of sobriety whether that's through AA, here or from a professional. It takes a big serving of humble pie to do something like that, but everyone has to ask themselves, do you want to be sober or do you want to keep doing it your way?

EDIT: Some extraordinary people are able to "just stop drinking." My father did it. Unlike what you will often hear in AA, I do believe it to be possible, and I think it happens all the time. But I do believe it unlikely for most, myself included and I think when dealing with the newly sober, there is nothing heavy-handed or preachy about suggesting that they may want to try what someone else has already done successfully.

[TJAF]

Hello Folks, I don't post much anymore, I've found that I rarely have anything new to add to the things you are already reading from the likes of Byrdie or Lav or No Sugar; however, I feel compelled to comment on aihfl's post. No I wasn't offended in the least by the post, Aihfl raises a good point. However, here is my rub, this forum is a great site and it is by no means a panacea, but I think that if you are looking for a site that is going to lecture or scold everyone that relapses I'm sure Donald Trump has a program for you.
Don't look for cause and effect here, the best programs in the world have a small success rate. the insidiousness of this disease is such that we fight an uphill battle every single day to stay sober. What makes this site so wonderful is that it is populated with folks just like me. Folks that have found themselves addicted, have gone through withdrawal, have had the same issues with family, have felt the same highs ...wow, tell me what psychologist,therapist or erstwhile guru have the same collective experience. There is strength in numbers and what is needed most in the first few weeks is encouragement. Deep down we all know we are fighting long odds, but when I was wavering in the early days a nod from my peers went a long way to give me the internal strength to try another day. When I failed, I certainly knew I failed and I didn't need tough love from fellow addicts to tell me that...my recovery came from within, and with a little encouragement from people that I believed completely understood what I was going through, I gained the strength to make it to the point where "I didn't have to fake it anymore". Just my thoughts

[Eloise]

Yeah, this is not an easy road. Thanks TJAF, I am still here daily as I am scared I might get the crazy idea it is okay for me to drink again.
I doubt it, but am not 150% certain it won't occur to me either.
Glad you are still on track, well done!!!

[TJAF]

As I said this site is not a Panacea by any stretch. There are many paths, and for most, dealing with professionals is a good idea and should be encouraged. However this site's biggest value in my mind is the ability to get encouragement and advice from people who know precisely what I am going through.

[Byrdlady]

Gosh, I agree with all! There are many who benefit simply from the help and tools received here. But there are also many who could and prolly should seek additional help.
Needing to quit and wanting to quit are two different things. When I firat came here, I needed to quit. Once I was faced with my ultimatum and I knew that I HAD to make it stick, it was the perfect place for me. I knew all the tools and information were here, now all I had to do was apply them. (Imagine that, LISTEN to others!). As Ava always says, I had to leave my ego at the door and walk in with hat in hand.

This is one area where a person cant get too much help, do whatever works!

Great conversations, all! Byrdie

[NoraC]

I agree with all, too. Very interesting discussion. Thank you.

I do want to say to anyone in their early days and are feeling overwhelmed, it does get easier. It really, really does. I never would have believed it. I still can't even believe those words are coming out of MY mouth! But, it's true. It is so worth it to hang on. :heartbeat:

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Just enough time left to wish everyone a safe night in the nest!

Welcome back ssd, settle in for a while & be sure to update your plan for success

TJ,always good to see you!
We certainly do understand one another around here for the most part. I was so relieved to find a community of understanding, warm & helpful people. It really made all the difference for me. I made a good plan for myself & I found the success I wanted & needed so badly.

The bottom line is you have to be willing to do anything & everything that YOU need to do to meet your goals. It's your choice, you decide!

Nora, I am so happy to see you doing so well, good work

Peace to all tonight!
Lav

[KENSHO]

Checking in. All good. Nora, I second that it does get easier with time. There doesn't seem to be a one size fits all approach here. I know I had to find it within myself to decide the consequences of drinking were worse than the leap toward a life without alcohol. I got tired of feeling controlled by a substance. And making a plan along with encouragement (forever thankful for the encouragement) are what got me through the very difficult first weeks. You have to not drink to find out how great it is to not drink... And there are a lot of ways to get from A to B, but NOT drinking is a must. Thanks to everyone here who answered my questions, smiled at me when I fell down and said, "get back up". It's the fact that I kept getting back up and logging in that finally allowed me to find my way.

CraZy busy weeks here with project deadlines. I'm getting through but I know I need a break soon. Had a little look at a glass of wine this weekend, but quickly disassociated it with the current me. It's good to be a non-drinker.

[mywayin]

Interesting article that relates to alcohol too...
Resume: get the alcohol out of the house, fill the fridge up with all sorts of delicious and healthy drinks, fruit bowls and other munchies all around too.

How to break your bad eating habits - CNN.com