Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Hi All. Thanks LAV for the reminder that what we put out there comes back. Good thing to live by.

I am feeling a little sad tonight. I hear my son talking sternly to my daughter, and I know it is a tone he hears from his father. I feel like I chose an unhappy person as my husband and my kids are learning not only what he models, but how I react to his constant nagging and complaining. He is draining.

I also had an intense urge to drink last night. We were with a couple we used to party with. I felt so boring, so flat. I wanted to feel fun, and instead I felt flawed. I also realized that I was very tired, and I am not in a good place to socialize when I feel like that. So I gave myself a break. It is becoming clear that if and when I decide to have any serious discussions with the husband, I will have to be well-rested. I will not be able to handle his shit when tired.

Anyway, sorry to rant or be negative. I feel like I'm not my best self lately and I don't want to blame it all on my husband but I do pick up his negative energy and I just want to be with someone positive!!!!!!!!!!! God, could someone walk through the door at 6:00 and just smile and say something positive? I guess not if that someone is unhappy.

[Pavati]

I'm here! Way too much ice cream this weekend, but I had a long hike to balance it out (well, at least that's what I'm telling myself).

Byrdie - I'm thinking positive thoughts, too.

Been to a couple of multi aged parties lately. I can't believe how much alcohol is EVERYWHERE. I fell like I am a one-woman fighting army. I feel like THE lone wolf when I say that we shouldn't have alcohol at the party. Everyone thinks I am CRAZY. Makes for some good conversations with my kids. I do wish people could learn to just be. It is hard, but as Mr. G reminds me, the only way out is through. I think I would have known and liked myself better earlier if I had not had alcohol around.

Anyway - enough ranting.

Happy SOBER Sunday,
Pav

[Matt M.]

Hang in there Kensho- I know it can be tough living with someone that is perpetually miserable, the negativity unfortunately can be infectious. You seem like a strong woman, try and kill em with kindness. It damn sure won't go away if you drink at it....

Stay Hard little lady

[Fin]

KENSHO, I'm right there with you. I could use some positive energy vs. the constant complaining as well. I know I haven't been my best and have a responsibility in it all, so I'm really trying to be patient and supportive. I know you are too. The test for me is if sobriety will eventually help fix the problem. I have to believe it will...it has to.

Stay strong. You're worth it.
-Fin

[Fin]

Report. I went on my first river / fishing trip without AL and I feel mighty fortunate. My two buds couldn't have been more supportive of my decision and as I predicted, they both drank very-very little over the weekend. So...it was ME who was pushing the pace after all.

Owning it,
-Fin

[Byrdlady]

Fin, that is a huge realization, isn't it....when you OWN the fact that it was you who pushed the AL on others. When someone would come over to the house, the first thing I offered was WINE! It's really scary to know just how important AL was to me....every day. Misery doesn't just love company, it loves miserable company. I wanted to see others drink so I didn't feel like MY drinking was unusual.
Being sober doesn't fix everything, but it sure makes most things easier to deal with. I feel as if I am operating with more information by which to make decisions, and I am. The further away I get from AL, the more I see how I used it as a crutch. The big clue is when I think I NEED IT, that is a big indicator that I dare not. Normal drinkers don't NEED AL. Normal drinkers don't use AL to cope or deal with relationships. That right there has been worth the price of admission. Learning the coping skills I need for LIFE after all this time has been invaluable. I'm using them now as I find myself unemployed. One day at a time....sometimes one hour at a time. If I got thru the last 15 minutes, I can get thru the next 15. And so it goes.

Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

'Twas a busy day in Lav-land

Kensho & anyone else living with a chronically grumpy/depressed spouse - here's the secret: DETACHMENT. You have to detach yourself from their negativity if you want to survive ~ that's what I did. I had to convince myself that I will wake up each day & choose happiness so I will never fall into that negative thinking again. It truly is contagious & almost killed me more than once. I'm not going there again. Maintaining your gratitude helps make it easier too

Glad your trip went well Fin! The things we learn about ourselves, ha ha!

Byrdie, we certainly have learned some fantastic coping skills, thank the Universe

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!
It's chilly here after some afternoon thunderstorms of course.

Lav

[Mick]

Good morning, Nesters!
Cloudy in the Southern part of the nest also!
Not sure whats on the agenda today....I was going to bake a strawberry cake, but I dont have the stuff....phooey!
Had a tough day yustaday (mood-wise) I hope Im moving thru the stages of grief with the loss of my job and this depression is part of the last stages before ACCEPTANCE. As I say in reference to AL, acceptance is where its at (sorry for the dangling participle).

All I know is that everything is made WORSE by AL, not better.
Hope everyone has an awesome day! Byrdie

danglin participles??you are better at English than me..and I live here...but thinking about it ...Im Scottish......back to you :thumbsup:

[NoSugar]

In following a link Nora posted, I came across a really strong post, written by a blogger in the wake of an addict's death. She writes what I think many of us shy away from in an effort not to drive people away. The fact is, addiction can kill.

a last day 1

There is no ‘one more time’. There’s no waiting until Monday. There’s no ‘after the holiday’. There is no ‘only on weekends’.
This booze thing. You put it down now. Leave it behind you. That’s enough playing with fire. I mean really, were you really waiting until it got worse before you quit? Like, if it isn’t already hard enough now, how will it be in a month, a year, ten more years like this.
You maybe don’t know how to do it. You don’t know what you need to learn. You’re not used to doing this life thing without anaesthetic.
And what are you anaesthetizing yourself from. What’s happening today, right now, that is in actual fact so crappy? (You went down the rabbit hole right there, didn’t you, of Let me tell you what’s crappy… my husband is … and my kid is … and my boss is …).
What’s happening today, right now, that is so crappy that adding booze to it would make it better. Nothing. There isn’t anything. There is no ‘better’ with alcohol. I’m bored, I think I’ll light my hair on fire. I’m stressed, I think I’ll drink a bottle and a half of wine; I’ll carry around a water bottle like I’ve been to the gym.
You want self-soothing. You want to be scooped up, hair brushed, powder applied. You want to have the bath run, the bubbles added, and the sheets changed. You want the floor to be crumbs-free, the litter box to be un-pooped, and the travelling husband to come home but not be irritating when he’s there.
It’s a fact that you’ve used alcohol to try to self-soothe. But booze is a mind-fuck, creating more problems.. There is no soothing in the blunt force of a black-out anaesthetic.
You don’t want to feel? I call bullshit. That’s not even true. Because you do want to feel joy. You want to feel proud of yourself. You want to wake up and feel pleased with how your day is going to unfold.
You want powder, and baths, and soothing? Remove the booze. No more Day 1s. You go forward from here. You learn what you need to learn to go forward.
Everyone who is longer-term sober has a last Day 1. You can have yours.
It’s about time

a last day 1 | Tired of Thinking About Drinking

[Byrdlady]

Wow, NS, what a powerful post. I'm going to grab that and stash it in my personal Tool Box. In fact, it would be a great addition to our Tool Box here, don't you think? I learned a long time ago that wishing and hoping this away wasn't cutting it. It took action....drastic action! As anything else in life, it is worth it.

I don't like lifestyle changes any more than the next person, but getting AL out of it will become YOUR new normal. I'm so glad I'm not toting about that bag of stones with me right now. Do whatever it takes to break free of this addiction!

Hope everyone has an easy day!! Byrdie

[Mick]

ns ...that is a really interesting post...one that most of us can relate to..whether it is smoking ,or drinking or anything we have become addicted to...so why do we have a" right tomorrow /next week thats it"...is it some kind of ritual ,where we prep ourselves for the inevitable ,plan what we are going to do,work out our strategy?is it heck as like ..its in most cases a severe dose of ostrich syndrome ,where we bury our heads in the sand until the appointed hour looms...by that time we have given the issue a severe dose of looking at,denied our addiction,mitigated our circumstances ..and come up with a half cocked plan for reduction...after all I cant be an alky ,I have seen them on the streets,drinking cheap wine and cider,not like me ,I just like a drink to chill out..and that phrase absolves us of anything else ..the fact that we plan where the next drink is coming from,the fact we stash booze and hide the empties,we make excuses to sneak away and drin k ..we make excuses when we get slammed...must have been bad food ,feeling tired and it hit me...and yet this is part of chilling out...then again the little voice says inside you have got a problem..after the inintial denial ..we start the whole shebang again....the old saying tomorrow never comes is very ,very true..it is better to keep trying than to keep thinking about trying!

[NoraC]

NS - I love that. Thanks for sharing. I recently purchased her book and am starting to read it. Powerful stuff.

[NoraC]

I started highlighting passages to copy to my personal toolbox. Realized I would be highlighting the whole book.
Back to it....

[NoSugar]

For me, the whole thing came down to fear.
I was afraid to try to quit because what if I couldn't? (That fear turned out to be real )
How could I survive the cravings that hit me every single day in the late afternoon and made me miserable?
How would get through the boring parts of my life?
How could I face the painful parts?
Having given up almost all my interests, what would I even do with my time?
What if I didn't like the real me?

I absolutely hated where I was but it was familiar and I was so afraid to try to change.
Looking back, that seems crazy because just about anything would have been an improvement. As it turns out, other than the fact that it was difficult to quit at first, none of my other fears came true.

....the old saying tomorrow never comes is very ,very true..it is better to keep trying than to keep thinking about trying!

As long as a person is trying, there is hope. It can click at any moment.

[NoSugar]

I started highlighting passages to copy to my personal toolbox. Realized I would be highlighting the whole book.
Back to it....

Be sure and give us a review, Nora! I used to read that blog and really enjoyed her writing style and approach to sobriety.