Newbies Nest

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

K1wibro - welcome back, and glad you're here. Eating and then getting on your bike were both great choices. Yep, that's definitely your al brain trying to convince you that somehow it makes sense to just keep drinking up until mid-Dec and then start your quit. No, the best day to start a quit is always today (or yesterday, or however many days ago once you get into it). Keep coming back here, reading and posting. We're all here to get though the holidays together. With your 4.5 years you obviously have some tools in your kit, but maybe it's time to add a few new ones from the toolbox here? Putting together a plan for those parties, for evenings after work (like you did yesterday) etc are all crucial. You can do this!

Moon - yep, I love long posts as well. Of course, I also love short ones - even just fly-bys are a nice boost. One thing you said though - that it might have been easier to deal with the aftermath of your dog incident while drinking - I have to call BS on that one. Nope, I'd say that's al lying to you and trying to worm its way back into your head and/or your life. Being numb from al only makes us think everything is easier cuz we can't feel some of it for a short time. But let's face it, the sweet spot from al is short-lived at best, and for many of us has proven elusive for years (it's a thing we chase that we never seem to find cuz it doesn't really truly exist). Nope. I'd say the whole situation from start to now has been "easier" for lack of a better word without al. Your upcoming weekend alone will be fantastic I'm sure. Doesn't mean it won't be challenging in some ways, but reframe those as opportunities. Getting some of that stuff cleared out will probably feel great! As for netflix, what are you thinking of for your binge-watch?

LC - really glad you rode out that temptation yesterday. You know for sure you're much better off for having stayed strong and working your plan. It's surprising how those feelings can seemingly come out of the blue sometimes, huh? Although I wonder for myself if they truly come as a surprise, or if I dissected things I might actually find very clear (albeit sometimes small) triggers. Anyway, you're here on the other side and stronger for it. Great job!

Sounds like a strong nest right now - always glad to hear that. We've all got some sorts of holidays coming up over the next several weeks though, and those can bring extra temptation, pressure, etc. The time to strengthen and reinforce plans is NOW. Even if you're feeling solid, it's always good to give yourself a quick tune-up. Keep checking in and posting here, and together we'll be ringing in the new year safe and sober.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Checking in.

An update on the dog situation: my husband was home yesterday and had a conversation with our neighbor. He told her all our plans - fence, invisible fence, muzzle, leashes, etc. and she was adamant that again, we get rid of the dog. He tried to politely remind her that her dog had come over and attacked ours, accidents happen, we were doing what we could and she told him that it was different because her dog must have "just escaped" and it was fine. But she couldn't remember that happening, even though she came over and brought us an "I'm sorry my dog attacked your dog" gift after it happened. She also tried to tell us we should never had the dog around other dogs and my husband told her she's been around plenty of other dogs and it was her dog that our dog has an issue with, which is why we are taking precautions. Apparently the conversation ended with her telling him there were no hard feelings, but my husband was out in the yard working and heard her telling our other neighbors across the street how she's afraid to walk down this street because we have dangerous dogs. My husband couldn't hear the other neighbor's response. She has every right to be nervous, I would be nervous as well. I just wish she wouldn't be nice to our faces and then talk behind our backs. I really hate that we now have this "bad blood" between us, because I never wanted to be that neighbor. But I can't turn back time and maybe time will heal a little bit. I really hate even more that it's my fault. But I suppose I'd rather it be my fault than someone else's.

Been thinking a lot about what you've all said. Is something happening NOW? No, I have it under control. So there is no point in worrying about it. Can't change the past and I'm doing everything to ensure this doesn't happen in the future. That is going to have to be good enough for my brain right now. I'm also trying to focus on the "positive" (that sounds bad, but I don't know how else to say it, my brain isn't quite functioning properly these days) outcome of this. The fenced in yard is going to be fantastic for little kids. No more chasing after them into the woods or the street. Also, my kiddo loves to "help" around the house and we'll need to paint the fence come spring, so it's a project she and I can have fun doing together while dad is inside getting some bonding time with the baby. I don't want to make it sound like this is a good thing, but focusing on something positive might help my anxiety.

Last night as I was tossing and turning I realized how grateful I was to be sober. I've never gone to bed or woken up regretting that I didn't drink. I have plenty of times gone to bed and woken up regretting that I have drank. It's those pesky little after work and weekend hours that I need to work on. You are so right, narilly, there is NO reason for that one glass of wine that will lead to more and more and more. I have so much else to think about and experience and I have to make myself realize that drinking does NOT enhance a situation, it makes it worse. I do truly envy people like my husband who can have 1 glass or 1 beer (sometimes 2) in a night and that's it...sometimes even pour it down the drain when they don't want it.

My goal the rest of this week (especially at Thanksgiving as I watch my family imbibe in lots and lots of drinking) is to remind myself how truly wonderful it feels to lay my head down at night with a clear (well, as clear as you can get for a mom with a young child) mind and wake up unhung.

86 days and counting. Really can't wait to hit those triple digits and then...one year?? Can it be done? Yes, it can.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags - ha! I appreciate you calling my AL brain out on the BS. You are absolutely right. In that moment, it would have "helped" to drink because it would have calmed my nerves...but dealing with it sober is giving me strength and tools for the long run. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I suppose? I'm eternally grateful to have been sober during the incident.

As for Netflix, that's a good question. I'm done with Stranger Things and I'm finishing up Shameless. Really need to catch up on Orange is the New Black and the Walking Dead as well. But thinking about starting the Black Mirror.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Moon - you have a lot going on! In your post, it does sound like you have left that door to drinking again SLIGHTLY open. In my experience, that just leads to more bargaining and questioning. If you slam it shut forever the conversation turns from "oh, I wish I could have a drink to not be so stressed any more," to "what are coping strategies I have developed to deal with stress." A small shift, but maybe that will bring a bit more peace...

As most of you know, Ava and I quit smack in the middle of the holiday season. I posted the following on K-Tab's thread, but I thought I'd cut and paste it here. No kidding, if I can make it through the "holidays" sober, ANYONE can... Sobriety is a true gift.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I'm am odd in that I really, really don't like Christmas. There are many reasons for this, and there are some things about it that I like, but overall, I count the days until Jan. 1 and the "holiday season" is over. I had NO idea how I would get through sober - drink was the only thing that made it tolerable for me I thought.

Well, as usual, it turns out that being sober improved the situation. My tips for a sober (and great) holiday season:

1. Always bring your own drink to parties. You can't rely on hosts to have good, non-alcoholic drinks, I am sorry to say. I am amazed at how many people don't think about this.
2. Always have your escape route and your own way home. I got stuck a couple of places because my ride didn't want to leave. Now I never go to a holiday event without my own car. When I get tired, bored, or just done with talking with slurring people, I hop in my car and head home. I have given up FOMO (fear of missing out), and no longer need to be the last at a party. Get in, have fun, get out. That's my motto.
3. Say no. This was VERY hard for me at first, but now I feel very comfortable in saying "no" to parties, events and get-togethers. There is no possible way to do it all and stay sane. If I need and want, I stay home, or I only attend the events I really want to go to. I think in the sober vernacular, this is called setting boundaries. I call it staying sane.

My prediction is that you will have a great holiday season, sober and happy.

Ok, Nest. One minute at a time if need be. Check in here for help if you need it, BEFORE you drink.

xo
Pav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I have only been sober going on 3 months, but I had originally quit for 9 years. Most days back then I didn't even think about alcohol, it just wasn't a part of my life any longer. Then one day....WHAM, someone offered me a glass of wine and I took it. I figured that I could handle one small glass of wine, right? Turns out it was stronger than me, and shortly thereafter I was back to drinking full time. (and then some) Eight years later (3 months ago) I quit again, hopefully for the rest of my life) Never want to go back to those days....

Hi, again, Jude - glad you made your way to the Newbies Nest, even though you are an experienced Newbie :smile:. If you'd be interested in sharing your story here, I know it is helpful for all of us to be reminded not to become complacent. As I way buying wine yesterday for upcoming visitors, it crossed my mind that I could give this new one a try. Luckily my 'go to' response of "But I don't drink" popped right into my head and I didn't dwell on that dumb idea any longer. Anyway, I'd be interested in reading about your experience if you feel like sharing it.

@K1wiBro, there is nothing special about December 16 other than any meaning you've decided to give it. You don't have to give it any power. You could quit today and when that day rolls around, you'll have a few weeks of AF living behind you and you'll see it is a day just like any other. Maybe you'd also consider sharing your relapse after 4+ years in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/g...etrospect.html thread. People who have written it all out say it helped them really face and come to terms with their own situations and if you read through the thread, you'll see how many people have been helped by those willing to share their stories.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

You're right, Pav, that door is definitely ajar at the moment. Maybe it's closed, but it's not locked. With a deadbolt...yet.

I'm very much looking forward to getting to a point like NS said - I don't drink. But I'm not there yet. Because right now it's a firm, I CAN'T drink. I just can't. I know that.

But I'm with you - I dislike the holidays. They aren't relaxing and filled with cheer, instead it's people yelling at each other that we're late and packing the car full and stress. If it's one thing I've learned from all this holiday crap, it's that I'm never, ever going to put pressure on my kids around this time. We'll be doing our thing, if you can join great, if you can't - see you some other time! I haven't in probably over 10 years (minus the year pregnant with my daughter) gone without drinking during the holidays. It's the only way I ever thought I could get through as well.

What sort of non-alcoholic drinks do you bring with you? I never thought about bringing my own, that's a good idea.

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

@K1wiBro, there is nothing special about December 16 other than any meaning you've decided to give it. You don't have to give it any power. You could quit today and when that day rolls around, you'll have a few weeks of AF living behind you and you'll see it is a day just like any other.[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I need to hear. The brain is great at tricking you into reasons to keep drinking - I've just started a new job and have our Xmas party in a couple of weeks and I've been stressing about whether or not I'll drink (the main thing here is not deciding whether or not I WANT to drink, but whether or not I'll end up drinking!) I thought if I did drink, then I'd try and make that the last time, then of course the brain starts with 'it's only another week until the 16th, so you may as well finish then.'
I think my problem this year with continually trying to stop drinking was I was always basing it around a date or event (and of course I kept finding new ones further into the future when I reached the original one!). When I quit back in Sep. '12 there was no special date, I just happened to stop one day which turned out to be a 17th, so I need to just do the same again this time...

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

The brain is great at tricking you into reasons to keep drinking - I've just started a new job and have our Xmas party in a couple of weeks and I've been stressing about whether or not I'll drink (the main thing here is not deciding whether or not I WANT to drink, but whether or not I'll end up drinking!) I thought if I did drink, then I'd try and make that the last time, then of course the brain starts with 'it's only another week until the 16th, so you may as well finish then.'
I think my problem this year with continually trying to stop drinking was I was always basing it around a date or event (and of course I kept finding new ones further into the future when I reached the original one!). When I quit back in Sep. '12 there was no special date, I just happened to stop one day which turned out to be a 17th, so I need to just do the same again this time...

If you're at a new job with new people, this is a GREAT opportunity for them to know you only as a non-drinker!! They won't bug you with bothersome questions about why you quit next time you're all together because they'll figure you never did and it's no big deal. How nice to avoid the pressure that we sometimes feel when it seems we have to justify why we quit (which we don't, but it can feel that way).

Picking a specific date works well for some people. Our pal @available chose December 1 4 years ago and has been AF ever since :hug:. I just had had enough of myself one unremarkable January Wednesday that was just like every Wednesday (and, frankly, every other day of the week for years) when I drank myself stupid from 4-8 pm and missed out on my life. The next day was my last day 1. Here's a thread where I wrote about that. It is old and the formatting is messed up but I think the message still is there.

@moonking, I said I shouldn't or won't drink more times than I can count and almost invariably let myself down. Then came I can't drink while I adjusted to AF living, like you're doing now. At some point it simply occurred to me that I didn't have to drink. It had been a long time since I'd been drinking because I thought a glass of red wine was good for me or I liked the taste. I drank because I felt like I had to to feel at least ok. Forget feeling high or relaxed or any of the other positive feelings we think alcohol gives us -- I felt like I required it to stay alive. The part of my brain that keeps us (as a species) alive by wanting food and sex was all screwed up and mistakenly put alcohol in that category, too. Time AF allows that part of the brain to heal. Participating here and following the advice offered helped the logical part of my brain regain control and make decisions and do things that set up the conditions for success.

Not feeling like you need to drink is one of the greatest feelings in the world. I hope you experience it soon. xx

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

Lots of good posts here as usual!

Welcome back, Kiwibro! I wanted to quote this.. I think my problem this year with continually trying to stop drinking was I was always basing it around a date or event (and of course I kept finding new ones further into the future when I reached the original one!)..because my experience has been similar, in that as long as I fool myself into believing I can easily stop after this or that party..by picking a preferred date, I will continue to push the date and drink. Because when there is still a part of me that "wants" to drink, I will. That's just my 2 cents as you have had much more sobriety than I have. I agree with what NS said above.. this could be a great opportunity for you to reinvent yourself at your new job..

I know it's hard at work and with family during this season.. I will definitely be HERE this year to support and to be supported! I'm going to steal from AA and say that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! And I'm willing to do whatever I have to do not to drink. I finally made it to a sober sisters aa meeting tonight.. it's just once a week and I've been wanting to go for awhile to check it out. It was good to meet some people in person, get some phone numbers, say something out loud. I am/have been allergic to a lot of things regarding aa.. but I've decided to do what they say..and that is to take what I want and leave the rest.. they were very nice and passed around a paper with their numbers, said I could call any time.. which I will if need be. There's also a nice Sunday meditation meeting nearby that I think I'll go to. Twice a week seems managable.

Moon, I've also been dealing with some stress that keeps me tossing and turning at night.. and I've been trying to do exactly what NS suggested and you mentioned again. Is what I'm obsessing about really happening now? And what good does it do/what does it change-- this thinking of mine? I almost always come to the conclusion that my interpretation of the situation is what is making it so bad/negative.. Interesting to practice and learn.. I don't think it's bad that you pulled out the "positive" aspects of what happened..I think there are often good things that come from otherwise bad experiences. You learned and are continuing to learn from it.

ok. I'm beat. Time to hit the hay..
wishing everyone a nice day/evening/morning..
xx

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wow LC, that meeting and meditation meet sound real useful.

From Women for sobriety website - Untitled Document (applies to blokes too i reckon. I love this!)

WFS “New Life” Acceptance Program

I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.

Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.

Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.

Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.

I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.

Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.

Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.

The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.

The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.

All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.

Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.

I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.

I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Jude58, thank you for that post. What a great reminder not to drink. It does cross my mind sometimes that I 'could' just have 1 because I haven't drank for 3.5 years. I know this is bullshit. So then I quickly say "but I don't drink" I know I can't open that door at all, not even a little bit or I will be back in that hell hole of AL.

Please keep coming back.

Kiwibro, take it one day at a time. I skipped my Christmas parties the first year I was sober.I actually got sick and couldn't go which was a real blessing at the time! New job, new people, new YOU right? You do not drink, as soon as your co workers know that they will not ask you out for drinks.

Stay sober peeps.

GMan, that was a good post

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Narilly......please don't ever take that one drink, it will only lead to more. Nine years of sobriety down the drain in a brief moment; I wasn't even craving it! This led to 8 more years of hell, in which time I did serious damage to my liver. If I wanted to live, I had to quit. Trust me, it's a whole lot harder the second time around. Always be aware, and don't get complacent; it's amazing how our minds can manipulate us into doing things that we don't really want to do. I'm really glad that I have found this site....decent folks and so much information.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Hello & welcome to the newest newbies, glad you are here
You have received so great advice already so I won't repeat what you already know. You do have a good bit of time to get your quits going strong before the holidays get here, that's true. Once you get your quit going, hang on to it forever. That's what I'm doing because I'm afraid I don't have another quit in me!

Moon, if you haven't already read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle - do so now. It really helped me & I'll reread parts of it for a tune up if I feel the need, ha ha! I'm wondering about your neighbor, Is she older with possible memory problems?

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening, nesters. A great day of posts.
Jude, what a great reminder for all of us, thank you for your cautionary tale. Thas why my butt stays glued in to this nest!

Yes, two of our very own nesters quit this time of year, And I dont think either one of them have any regrets. I had made it a New Years resolution for more years than I want to admit. I dont remember anyone here with a date of Jan 1. The best day to quit is TODAY. Tomorrow nevert comes for us, we will find an excuse to drink.

My vacation isnt going so great, I workd 6 hours yeaterday and 6 today, dang it.
Hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie.

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,
Great to see the Nest so active. My days, and nights have been busy taking care of mom but she was able to go home yesterday. We had a fabulous physical therapist (whom I call Jannette the Angel) come 5x over two weeks and she was able to make the vertigo disappear. Then, today, mom was among a group of veterans who received recognition and a medal from the governor of FL for her service! I don’t necessarily agree with his politics but it was an honor and I felt so proud of her. I am so grateful to be sober and able to live these in moments.

Someone (sorry to not note who) asked about na drinks for the holiday. We’re having dinner at a friends who celebrated her one-year sober bday in August. (Yippee) I suggested a “signature “ drink for guests and here’s what we’re doing: Sparkling Arnold Palmers (but we’re going to call them MarKats) made with ice tea, sparkling lemonade and a sprig of mint. I found sparkling lemonade at Aldi. The bottles are really nice glass with stoppers - 3 pink and three regular. I also suggested having a couple of pitchers filled with garnished ice water (oranges, cranberries, cucs, etc.) There will be 9 altogether including me, hubs and mom. I know there will be some booze there - and I could care less. I’m looking forward to a chilled MarKat!

Re a date to quit: For way, way too many years I was going to quit after the next holiday (so many lesser-known ones), or after my team wins the Super Bowl/World Series/Alpine Ski Event, when pigs fly, or the best, tomorrow. I hit bottom on Jan. 20, 2014. My last day one was the next day. Do it now!

Gman — love that post; thank you.

So much more to comment on but like LC — time to hit the hay.

Hugs - ML