Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Oh my goodness! Caught up for the last couple days. Not sure why I've been so lousy at checking in - and we all know what happens when we drift from the nest!!

AVA, glad for the progress of wanting smokes later in the morning. Hope you have some easier days ahead. I've never known anyone who quit smoking who doesn't feel a million times better!

JVO, glad for "deep in your soul". Isn’t that the truth of not drinking? You know its right when you feel that.

Thanks Nora. Great advice from Belle and helpful to me today

LC, empty is better than regretful. You;’ll fill that void soon enough. So glad you were able to enjoy your time with your family.

Choices, sounds like a nurturing afternoon for you! It’s the seemingly small things at times that are such a boost. Glad you are keeping those tricky times on your watch list. Good job. Do you have a lot of schooling left?

Happy birthday and congrats Tony! I worked at our Marriott Hotel when I was 16 - cleaning rooms. It is one of my favorite jobs ever - the productivity was so rewarding. One room done, check. Another, check.

As for the parenting and grand-parenting... My hope is that my kids grow up thinking of their mom as being brave and choosing life over numbness - and that they learn that alcohol is not a good coping mechanism. Alcohol was never discredited in my house growing up, but other drugs were and I seemed to stay away from them. I am not totally demonizing AL to my kids, but I am letting them know of the potential dangers, and I often tell them how much better life is working out problems for real instead of hiding from them.

That's all for now. Hope everyone has a good night!

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone!

I'm posting because I am in a really, really BAD mood. I feel short-fused and just cranky. This mood is a total trigger, one I have acted on for years. I'm happy I won't be doing that this evening. It has never worked in the past, ever. Or sure, initially... and maybe for a few hours. But it's totally off my overall goal.

I am working towards a bachelor of Naturopathy degree. This past year was my first year back to school in nearly 20 years. My previous degree is in Art. So I am really like a fish out of water with all the science. I was able to pass half of the cources this year, which I was proud of. But, I also failed 4 out of the 9. It's ok though. I'm not giving up and can re-take them. I'm switching schools too which I think (hope) will be more suited for me. I'm also only going part time! Full time was just WAY too much, I couldn't keep up and my family always came first. I wasn't use to that as when I studied in my 20's I really only had myself to worry about and my parents paid all the bills. Those were the days!!! The degree takes 3 years, but now going part time it's more like 6 or 7. I love it though! Absolutly love what I'm learning. I've also met some amazing people.

I'm really glad I'm posting now, whew, my mood is getting somewhat more steady.

I also get to see a counslor for free, (as part of what my old school provided) it's a counslor in training. I have really gotten a lot out of these visits. I'm not sure what happens now as far as switching schools. But, I think I can keep seeing her until she is is though her schooling and then I'm happy to pay her. Anyway! I opened up to her about my drinking today for the first time and I felt better after I told her that I was going for 30 days and then 6 months. It's becoming more real.

Ok, I'm going to prepare my dinner now. I'll post again if I start to feel that way again. For the moment I think it has passed.

Thank you for listening. x

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hiya, me again.

Luckily that awful uncomfortable mood passed. I am sober drinking green tea. Feeling thankful that I could sit through that little mini emotional storm. I hope everyone is well.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great work Choices!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Great job Choices for coming here to get things off your chest! It has helped me a lot these past couple months to really use this Nest. If I can get myself here and typing, I won't drink. It's when I avoid you all that I get myself into trouble. I've also found that the faster I get thoughts of drinking out of my mind, don't give them any sort of validity, the faster they go away. That AV knows when we're feeling weak and that's exactly when it appears. It looks like you're strong in your commitment and making great progress.. good for you with the counseling, too.:happy2:

Hey G-man! Haven't been over to your neck of the woods for awhile.. will pop over to see how you are.

Yes, Kensho, stay close! It seems like a long time, but I reckon a good year is the very least amount of time we should count on checking in each and every day.. I read yesterday somewhere that we should spend at least the amount of time on our sobriety Plan, those things keeping us stable/grounded, as we did on drinking! That seems a bit much but point being, we surely all have at least half an hour to check in and post here!! Sometimes I also just fly-by.. but when it becomes too often, I have to be sure and check myself. I'm very happy to hear you sounding so strong..

J-vo, so sad about the child with the drunken Grandma. I hope his/her parents are there and present. We are all so fortunate to be finding our ways out. Leaving the Hell of addiction behind us. I'm so glad you're back here.. have I already said that?:love:

Tony, good luck with the new job today! and Happy Birthday!

Ava and Jude, how are you all doing/feeling today?:hug: I hope it gets easier soon! Anything in particular you're using to replace cigs when it gets really bad? Any special rewards in place? I will soon use some of the money I've saved to get something done with my hair.. about dang darn time! I lood like a witch at the moment..

Byrdie, Congrats on the weight loss.. that is no easy task, I know. I began my new nutrtion plan yesterday and did a pretty good job. Seems I have the same witching hour with eating junk food as I had with alcohol. Go figure! Today I will make sure I eat a bit more healthy stuff before that time comes.

ok. I know I wanted to reply to more posts, but I can't remember anymore which they were! ha... mind like a sieve at times.
Wishing you all a happy or at least contented Tuesday.
big hugs all around..

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lifechange, I also have the same witching hour as when drinking! Remember the Andy Griffith show? That's what Barney called his 'sinking spell'. Bahahaha, it's true, tho, funny you should mention that. I always have a hearty lunch, so not sure why I have such cravings around 3-4 in the afternoon.

Now that I'm really watching what I eat, I can tell that had developed some pretty poor eating habits. Chaging them has been an eye opener, I was denying that my diet had chagned, but once again, I was only fooling myself. The proof is in the pudding....did somebody say pudding????

Choices, way to talk yourself down from the ledge! Glad you rode that wave safely to shore.....(how many cliche's can I use in one post?)
Hope everyone has a great day! Bydie

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony - Congrats on the new job, and Happy Birthday!!! Two awesome reasons to celebrate already, and then you get to add moving into double digits on your quit. I think they call that a trifecta!!!

Choices - Great job coming here to work through your mood. Yep, they usually do pass within a matter of minutes or hours - that's a great thing to learn and/or reinforce. I can see why you'd be feeling so exhausted from school. I'd forgotten about the back story on your schooling (returning after 20 years and changing professional focus in a significant way). I applaud your decision to pursue this dream. I hope that you find the new school to be a better fit for you overall, and that going part-time also brings you and easier school-life balance. Is your program in-person or online (or both)? I thought about getting a degree in Naturopathy myself about 10 years ago. We have several good schools/programs here on the U.S. west coast. I ended up going in a different direction, but I can relate to the challenges of returning to school later in life. It's definitely not the same as when you're in your 20s! I'll tell you what - I've seen two naturopaths as part of my efforts to quit drinking. I got great advice regarding nutrition and supplements that help bodies recover from al abuse and also help balance out some of the brain chemistry issues that trigger drinking in the first place (this is part of my picture, maybe not everyone's). I imagine as you move forward with this new career path, you will be able to bring great empathy to any patients who see you for similar reasons. If you happen to come across materials re: nutrition or other naturopathic approaches to maintaining a healthy quit, I'd love to hear about them!

Kensho and LC - Speaking from the perspective of someone who is coming up on the 18-month milestone in my quit, I can say that checking in here every day (even if just a fly by) has been an integral part of maintaining my quit and I honestly can't see that changing in the foreseeable future. It is part of my daily routine, and has definitely developed into a major tool in my kit. I feel VERY accountable to all of you, and sometimes the mere thought of having to come here to post that I've slipped and am back on Day One (or worse, slinking away and just disappearing) is enough to keep me on my course. I encourage you both to embrace this as you already have, and make it part of at least your One Year plan for sure.

Byrdie - congrats on losing 3.8 pounds!!! Amazing how even a small weight loss like that, especially if it's about all you need, feels so much better huh - both mentally and physically?

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Back to work today after a lovely and productive long weekend. Love those.

Byrdie - someone gave me advice to eat a high protein something at 3 or 3:30 whether you feel you want it or not. It cuts out the cravings and also helps you eat less for dinner. 15 almonds, some plain yogurt, a small piece of chicken... Maybe that will help? I have made a commitment to get my eating under control again, too. I've been pretty lazy about watching what I eat... We went out for a family member's birthday last night, and we all ate too much. I feel blech still...

Choices - good on you for coming here and venting instead of drinking. I'm glad you feel better.

Tony - Congratulations! Happy Birthday! What a great way to celebrate, and what a relief. Sorry for everything else in your personal life. I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can.

Happy SOBER Tuesday, Nest.

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello everyone!

jvo - I have those same thoughts right now as well, even at 142 days. “I’ll just quit until x, y, z.” Right now I’m trying to counteract those thoughts with just taking it one day at a time. Just last night I realized we have a wedding next December and I was thinking that I’m sure I could have a glass of wine (open bar and the grandparents will be babysitting!) I immediately told myself to not think that far ahead. To just take it day by day. Today, I won’t drink. We’ll revisit tomorrow. And hopefully the urges will pass.

I used to love drinking and watching Intervention (what the hell?) But I remember the drunks always irritated me. But I’m the same way - definitely have an addictive personality and “need” a way to cope with negative feelings. Eating disorder, self-harm, alcohol, drugs (cocaine was my drug of choice, I’m just really lucky I met my husband and didn’t have it readily available or my guess is I’d be in REALLY bad shape right now.) I know for me it’s a slippery slope back to old habits once I give up one addiction. It takes work to be sober, that’s for sure.

Choices - my drink of choice right now is hot tea as well. I’ve enjoyed going to the grocery store and getting some sampler packs and drinking a different one each night. Nice to have something to sip on in the evening while winding down. Sounds like your date was great - I love child free dates and my husband and I definitely don’t get as many as we should!

Pav - ha, yes, you are probably right. Initially after i had my daughter - probably for 3 months or so, I really didn’t drink that much. I was pumping and up every 2 hours, so a lot of times it didn’t appeal to me. Plus, one beer would put me in a pretty buzzed state. Once I went back to work I started really working on getting my weight back down and training for a marathon, so I was able to at least not drink the way I had been. AND, when you stop eating so much, once again just a little bit of alcohol will get you buzzed. Sure, I definitely did have hangovers or drink too much on occasion. Yes, I think you are correct about the control. I had more control, mostly because I had other things to focus on - like training. It’s probably once I hit my almost goal weight and my marathon was over (which was about 14 months after I had my daughter) that my drinking really ramped up. We also started camping more, which was a good excuse for day drinking…and I’d say in the past year is when it’s gone from bad to worse. Hangover pretty much every day, promising not to drink that next night but back at it by 5pm. So…to be REALLY honest with myself, it took about 14 months…but at the same time, the thoughts were always the same I just didn’t always act on them. I was good at pretending like I could be a normal drinker. Scary that I don’t really remember going from 1 drink at night to 4-5 though.

I also threw up the first time after drinking waaaay too much at my own house at 17. I believe we mixed gin, vodka, rum and whiskey with some Hawaiian liqueur and red Gatorade. We had 0 idea what we were doing and my friend didn’t like it, so I drank hers as well (because you can’t waste it!) Fell asleep and woke up puking red all over our basement bathroom. Remember telling her in the morning if I ever want to drink again to remind me how I was feeling in that moment. Did a lot of good. But I should have known right then - after literally have 0 drinks before in my life and not knowing what the hell a shot (let alone 8!) would do to a 110 pound girl…that if I was already feeling like I couldn’t waste alcohol, that it was going to be a recipe for disaster.

Lav - you’re such a good grandma to take on the dogs, too! My mom won’t go near ours. If she babysits, we always have to put them up (which is fine.) Having extra dogs is a lot though - we’ve cared for others’ dogs at different times and it’s hard. Doesn’t seem like it would be, but it is.

Congrats on the job, Tony!

Hubby and a friend went out this weekend. I’ll be honest that when he mentioned going out, drinking immediately entered my mind. That used to be my time to be “free.” Didn’t have to hide or sneak it and I could be in bed when he got home so he’d never know…but instead I drank tea, ate a good dinner, and played with my daughter. And she and I stayed up way too late watching movies. Of course for a toddler, staying up late means you must wake up early, so I got little sleep. But, I wasn’t hungover and I was so happy for that. I found that these cold days are pretty big triggers, too. Used to be we’d start a fire and watch the snow fall with some sort of booze in our hands, just another excuse to day drink. I am absolutely positive hubby would quit drinking at home if I told him that’s what I needed, but I am grateful that he only has the occasional glass and has no interest in day drinking again. I think I was a bad influence on HIM, actually. Now that I’m not drinking at all, I’ve rarely seen him drink. (A glass of wine here or there.) Which is helpful for me, of course.

Had an interesting conversation with a co-worker the other day. We were discussing safety in our town (college town, so lots of parties, drinking, sexual assault, etc) and how to raise kids here knowing that those things are out there. I remember saying something like: “I want to be honest with my kids about what can happen, but not scare them into thinking the world is a terrible place. But I’ll definitely let them know that if they ever feel unsafe or are just in a bad situation (i.e. too drunk to drive) they are welcome to call me and I will come pick them up, no questions asked. I might be irritated at 2am, but I won’t be mad because I would never forgive myself if something bad happened to them and they felt like they couldn’t call me.” Someone made the joke about “Well, what if YOU can’t drive when they call?” I just kind of laughed it off in the moment but I also remember thinking, “I guess that’s another really good reason to never drink again.” Obviously I would be of no help if I’m drunk.

I was doing so great with exercise and diet and this weekend I seemed to have regressed. Did nothing but sat and ate crap yesterday. Have no desire to get back to exercise for some reason. I did manage to get up early today and felt good, though. Maybe that’s a step in the right direction. I just need to remind myself of how I’ll feel if I eat those Little Debbie snacks. Is it really worth it in the moment, or would another cup of tea get me through? It’s just so EASY to sit on the couch and watch TV! Like being in limbo when you’re pregnant - I know I can’t go on a diet and lose weight right now, so why not just eat everything I want???? Not a good mindset. Trying to tell myself I’ll have all the time in the world to lose the weight after baby is born (especially because I won’t have any pesky wine calories) and right now I just need to focus on my healthy eating and exercise plan. You’d think that’d make it easy, right? But I truly hate looking in the mirror right now. I hate the way I look. My arms are massive, my legs are jiggly and my face is just a broken out swollen mess. Just as much as I don’t want my kids to see me drinking too much, I don’t want them to see me which such low self esteem and body image, either. It starts TODAY.

Despite the crappy eating, I had a wonderful night last night. One of those nights that you’re truly happy to just be with the people you are with. Lots of laughter, lots of snuggles. Those are the nights that will keep me in my quit.

Speaking of how you all grew up with alcohol (or not) is interesting. My parents didn’t drink when I was younger, but always always always had a drink with dinner (and after) once I was in middle/high school. They were never falling down, slurring words drunk…but they were falling asleep on the couch drunk. I suppose as kids we just assumed they were tired. As I’ve grown older and especially after witnessing my parents’ divorce, I realize my mom drinks far too much but she can’t see it. Alcohol really affects her mood and I almost can’t stand being around her when she drinks. (And slowly realize that was probably starting to happen to me, as well.) I never had a sit down talk with my parents about ANYTHING - it was just always understood that underage drinking was the devil, premarital sex was about the most shameful thing you could ever bestow upon yourself, and if you did drugs you were a junkie with no future. Truly demonized it all. I hope I can have very open conversations with my kids about alcohol, sex and drugs. I don’t want those things to be taboo in my household because I see what it did to me growing up.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

PS - I laugh every time I hit "Post Quick Reply" because...let's face it, my posts are rarely quick

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nest! I'm flying by on my way to a productive day. That makes me so happy, being productive.

Choices, good for you for going back to school! I am impressed that you are tackling science after art. I did art, and do art and would struggle with a science degree. I like it - but my brain does not work in a linear, logical way. Kudos to you! I'm all for taking your time so you can enjoy your family and ensure your sobriety.

I had a thought cross my mind earlier that made me recoil. I consciously MADE myself re-live it - just to remember how awful it was. I know I've mentioned it before, but I used to hide bottles in my office closet. Like full whisky or tequila bottles. The stuff that would get in and do their job quickly. And I would sneak away (or so I thought) and take as big a mouthful as I could and hide it again. They I would go eat almonds or something that would take the taste away so I felt my breath wasn't high octane (it was). I did this for a long time - during evenings when the kids weren't looking. But they were. My 8 yr. old recently mentioned casually, "Remember when you used to go into your office and drink out of those bottles Mom?"

That, my friends, is not a sign of a drinker who has it under control. That was alcohol controlling me. What an awful image of her mother. GOD, I hope that's one she forgets. But I won't. It fuels my desire to never do that again. Even after this summer, when I casually thought, I can start and then stop again and I don't really have a problem - it got to sneaking again. I didn't have it in my office closet, but I had it in the kitchen cupboards for the same reason.

Glad to be leaving that behind. Yuck!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION], Brutal self-honesty like that is critical to kick an addiction. You're finding your way back :hug: NS

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all, busy day but wanted to read a few posts. Kensho that was a powerful post you wrote and CaliJohn's reply was spot on. I've found that I have had to get the most brutal with my honesty to myself more so than ever before. So many have given up on me. So I outted all my remaining secrets, to myself and then my GF. What is weird is that I didn't think of them as secrets until I voiced them. How I would plan drinking around my GF's absences and then lie about it. How really deep down I always figured I would be able to drink regularly...someday. Secrets like that. I am burning my bridges all the way. I have always in the past left some way for me to allow myself to drink. And I thought I was getting stronger and better!! I had some victories over alcohol and celebrated them! But not the true victory I really want and I see now that even though I thought I was being honest to myself, truly believed it even, I wasn't. This has been really tough yet also somewhat liberating. Thanks all for your support. Oh yeah, day 30 for me...

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

I'm with you there, NS.. total brutal honesty with ourselves is the only way to go!
Here's a nice 5 minute audio about perspective by Belle.. Nora quoted her yesterday and it hit the nail on the head for me. I hadn't heard of her and I like a lot of what she says. Good reminders. If I begin to falter on my path or wonder if it's really worth it?, is it too much work? will it ever get better? I WILL remember to ask someone who's ahead of me on the path what they see, what their experience has been, what they would recommend! There are many of you here to ask!:happy2:

http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/p/c/8/5/c85b5dbe5de471a8/omm284.when.you.get.here.youll.see.this.mp3?c_id=18627364&expiration=1516133636&hwt=ac5922bbec5896b9faafea88d8b40b0d

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Well done on 30 days, Seekers! and on opening up so honestly to your Girlfriend.. good work!