Newbies Nest

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

Yes Lav, it was a treat being outside and not be frozen in seconds. And it was sunny, to boot.

Ava, glad you're doing so well. And look! You're moving in the right direction, making better food choices. You go, girlie.

Kensho, yeah, doesn't he believe you when you tell him your hiding stories? Have you told him about the incident with your daughter when she saw you sipping from your closet? Maybe if he knows it was a common occurrence he would begin to understand. Does he know you're on MWO? I hope he begins to understand. We need support from our SO and not to be sabotaged. My husband and son know how bad I was. I wasn't good at hiding any of it as my word slurring, trips to the hospital, and just obvious drunkenness is super easy to see. We need to put ourselves first in early sobriety and take this disease seriously. Has he ever watched anything on addiction? Maybe if he would, then he may understand you better. I don't know if there are any al-anon videos out there but maybe there are on YouTube. Just some thoughts to help you to help him understand that this is not just quitting something like gum chewing, but a real addiction.

I was thinking about some things regarding moods being directly related to any urges we may have. For example, when we're tired, hungry..the HALT I've read, I know can cause that wobbly feeling and trigger your urges and cravings. I know my anxiety is a big trigger and just feeling down, depressed can trigger those thoughts. So I need to recognize my moods, as our moods will not always be on the positive end of the spectrum. Just being aware of how we are feeling might be enough to prevent a disaster from occurring, or it can help us to plan accordingly.

So it was a fun "day" date today. We left the house around 3:00 and got home around 7:30. First we went to a restaurant we've never been to. It was really good! I even had a little chocolate dessert with coffee and I was more than satisfied. Then we went to Trader Joe's which hubby has been wanting to go to for a really long time. Well, we went and loved that, too. Prices were awesome.

What I realized is that just a change in my Saturday routine that was so much different from my drinking Saturdays was enough for me to not feel deprived or have a pity party. Two places I've never been to, I don't associate these places with booze, and neither place sold alcohol. And we had fun looking at all these foods that were different from what we're used to eating. So, good stuff today.

Tomorrow is a "getting ready for the week" day. We also have my great nephew's birthday party to go to. The best part...the party is in a church hall and NO BOOZE will be served!!

Have a good night.

Jvo

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Byrdie - Congrats to you on the 7 years you have earned, fought for, and so rightly deserve! Your post was beautiful - one for the toolbox for sure. Even though you're speaking from a place of 7 years, your description of what it took and how you got there are relevant for anyone here, including folks back on Day One. It really is simple, but sometimes it sure isn't easy. Yes, it is ultimately a choice - something maybe nobody wants to hear or own up to. So glad you made the choice 7 years ago. It's an honor to be in the nest with you, and I thank you for all you've contributed to my own quit and those of my fellow nest-buddies.

Marylou - Congrats to you as well! 4 years is a fantastic achievement. If you feel like it, I'm sure we'd all love to hear your reflections. For now, kudos!!!

Pav - good luck to you and hubby on your exercise/eating plan. Giving up sugar is hard at first but as you already know, it'll get easier. Bummer about splitting the bill though. That can be a tough topic to bring up, but I totally see your point.

Jvo - sorry to hear about the superintendent - that's horrible! Great to hear your inner thoughts though and how you worked through the news, the thoughts of al, etc. Stay strong! What did you think of Trader Joe's? We've had them for decades out in this part of the country, and they've long been a favorite of mine for several things.

NS - Another great post you wrote - thank you so much for sharing your insights and ideas. :heartbeat:

Kensho - I'm so sorry that your husband is saying those things and being so unsupportive. That must feel terrible. I agree - it doesn't seem that he's listening. Or he is, and he needs you to drink for some reason in order to feel better about his own? I know you've said he misses his "drinking buddy" and I can understand that as a surface topic, but your health and well-being are far more important than drinking, or any other activity. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine that having to tell him about things you used to do in secret is difficult and uncomfortable. For me, I'd be feeling shame I think. Regardless, hard stuff. And then to have him not listen/believe must just make things harder. Well, as Ava suggested, it might be time to use the word alcoholic or something similar. To try one more sit-down conversation and tell him that you need him to have your back. Be honest and brave one more time. If that doesn't work, Lav's tactic sounds good - ignore him! Easier said than done I'm sure. Stay strong. We've got you here in the nest and we're rooting for you every single day! :hug:

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone!

Huge respect for you Byrdie and Mary Lou!! And I hope you ladies feel proud! Hard earned and well worth it I'm sure! Very inspiring.

Jvo your day date sounds wonderful!

Big hellos to everyone!

Kensho, it sounds like a very frustrating convo with your hubby! I'm with Lav on this one. My husband says silly things like that about me sometimes. His memory is like a sieve at times, when it comes to my drinking. Possibly it is when my sobriety doesn't suit him at the moment, or he is unknowingly button pushing because he's in a funky mood, or he is trying to help me "relax" by enabling me..who knows! Our friends and loved ones sometimes are not aware of how fragile our resolve can be at times and how off-handed comments can make us wobbly.

If you can, I would just hold your own counsel on this one. But I say that because I'm just comparing it to my own marriage and that's what I need to do. My husband tells me my drinking wasn't that bad. He will say I was only bad sometimes, everyone has nights like that, it's ok. To be honest a part of me likes hearing that. But I'm quitting for me anyway. It's me who feels so sick after I drink, and I'm the one so embarrassed when my behavious is messed up when I drink. I'm the one who has to deal with those horrible internal struggles. He is not in my head.

I wish sometimes that people could understand how difficult this process is. I have no idea how people do it without support like MWO. Just lean into the people who understand for a bit. He will come around, he does want the best for you (I would think?) Just falling short at the moment? (I hope!).

For me proving how bad I was to anyone, especially a loved one, is too painful and hard on my resolve to stay sober. It's one of the reasons I drank again after long-term sobriety. Anyway! Sorry for the ramble! Hang in there.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Dear Byrdie, congratulations on 7 years of sobriety! You epitomize tough love and your honesty and reason has helped me a lot to understand what has to be done and what is possible. I thank you very much for your support.:love:

You, too, Marylou! Congratulations on 4 years of freedom and thank you.:hug: I want what you all have and I'm finally figuring out how to get there with your help.

NS, that was a great post.. and I loved the video. Passed it on already to my eldest and some friends. Yes, it is all about perception and interpretation.. When I'm not drinking, I am so much more open to possibility, less anxious, more open minded, better able to regulate my thoughts.. better able to make good food choices which then leads to feeling better in my gut, which carries on to a better mood. AF time is a bit like a snowball rolling down the hill, gaining size and momentum as it goes. Like you've all promised, there is more clarity and calm. At least today..:happy2:

J-vo, I have very much appreciated your posts the past couple of days.. reading how you're working through things, how you're finding new ways to deal without alcohol helps us all. I love the thought of just coming home and crawling right into bed! Brilliant.. And great job finding activities that you haven't done before, that therefore don't act as triggers..

Choices, I've got a lot from your posts as well.. thank you for sharing so much.

Kensho, I'm sorry to hear about the lack of understanding on the part of your Husband. There's been some good advice given.. I hope you'll be able to work things out soon.. but what Choices said hit it on the head.. YOU are the one that has to live with yourself more than anyone else.. whether or not he understands. At some point he will, for sure.. but maybe he needs more "proof" about how serious you are.? How was he during your last quit? after you had 6 months, for instance? Like Wags said, we are here for you each and every day..:hug:

Ava, great job and continued success with your NF journey! Any day without alcohol and cigs is a good day, right? That's already 2 things checked off your daily list..
I loved that advice you gave me so long ago.. to just do 3 things each day. Not drinking alcohol, getting out of bed and having a bite to eat/a glass of water could be all I do some days, but that's enough.

Pav, I agree that that's annoying. If they are people who have helped you out a lot, as you said, then maybe it's ok to "treat" them.. but otherwise, I think it's ok to say, I'm going to pay a little less because I didn't drink. That's what I do here.. but it's tricky because there's often a big difference in the price of the meals as well.. I don't eat meat which is also considerably more expensive, as it should be.. Yeah. tricky.. let us know how you decide to handle it.

Hugs and love and a relaxing Sunday to you all.
xx

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nest,

I didn't sleep too well like I did on Friday. Before I went to bed, I was watching this video on liver damage and symptoms. Well, of course I had many of them and I woke up thinking about it. I want to remember that, yes, I was that bad. Yes, had I continued to drink, I would have ended up in the hospital. The symptoms were real and killing me. So that had me up for a long time last night. And it's not a bad thing to think about. We need to think about this, take it seriously, and know that any amounts over the recommended limit ps will hurt us in some way. It might not show up in younger years, but it will later. Take it from me who has these symptoms, and I pray I'll heal.

We do need to fear alcohol. It's a dangerous drug.

Wags, loved Trader Joe's. It was pretty packed with people on a Saturday evening, but found good stuff. It was smaller than I expected, but I got a lot of healthy snacks and other good stuff. Is your Trader Joe's smaller than a regular grocery store?

Going to my sweet, adorable nephew's party today. Then home to do some cooking and laundry. Have a great Sunday or Monday.

Jvo

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello all - One word, WoW! Catching up on the posts since yesterday, how powerful. I will learn to address each one of you like you all do so eloquently, for now, it is all going through my head and I may get mixed up. I want you all to know how much I appreciate every word you write. To Kensho about your hubby, your taking care of your side of the street may be forcing him to look at his and he might not like what he sees, know what I mean? I know very well how their soothing words sound allowing us to drink. My GF did that to me at a wedding we went to in Mexico at an all inclusive. I was all geared up not to drink the whole time and then on the first day she gave me permission to drink, and I did, by my choice. Made easier by her permission. I did very well and it wasn't hard to do. But the real consequences didn't hit until Christmas. Because I did so well at the wedding in Sept. my drunk/addictive self figured I was strong enough to drink when I wanted. So Sept-Dec. I binged several times, got black out drunk, lied, and hurt everyone I love. Alcohol won that one. But! That has really forced me to really look at what the hell I'm doing not only to myself, but especially everyone else in my life. I have been lying to myself for a long time, and I finally gave those away. Thank you all for your help

This is an edit...I talked about this with my GF and told her the truth about how it all happened, didn't blame her, and told her I just can't control alcohol. After I told her that she said that was the first time I had admitted that to her. I thought I had. It was very cathartic. So we talk more open about my recovery now and she won't do that anymore.

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

This is from a post from Byrdie...

"I came here knowing just about everything there was to know about addiction. What I had to learn was about recovery, a subject I really knew nothing about. Getting sober is a skill and everyone CAN learn it. Its whether or not we CHOOSE to listen that separates the successful people from the ‘also rans’. I had been an ‘also ran’ for decades, I never was willing to listen or implement the tried and true tools needed in recovery. I always thought I knew better, until that day 7 years ago when I had to look in the mirror and admit I needed help. This time, I HAD TO MAKE IT STICK. I learned to be coachable, a skill that has served me well in this and other endeavors.

Getting sober is only one part if the equation.... STAYING sober is something else again. You wouldnt believe how many nesters have asked me ‘What is the key to sobriety?’ Once again, the answer is simple...SUPPORT. I have witnessed thousands of nesters GET sober, only to wander off into the drinking wilderness to be sucked back in. They would tell me that they didnt want to be constantly reminded about AL every day....they wanted to get on with their life. I get that. However, we have a disease, we can wish it away all we want to, but we still have it. For me, I had to grow a backbone instead if a wishbone I believe that having long term sobriety takes two things; getting support and GIVING support. If you have ONE day sober, you have something to offer others, there are plenty of people here who struggle to get that.

I really hate that alcoholism found its way into my life, but I gotta tell you, I think Im a better person for it. I appreciate life. I appreciate my friends here who took time to help me. I appreciate helping others get out of the pit of addiction."

Byrdie? Thanks...

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters,

Good to have that open convo with loved ones Seeker. Congrat's on 35 days. That's huge!

All good here, cruising along with a quiet energy and enthusiasm for life - my life. So let's talk about me for a minute or 2. I'm def not the best lookin fella around. I've seen a few years, a few things, and have a few bumps and bruises, but i gotta say, i've noticed a big improvement in how my big fat weatherbeaten head presents itself these days. There seemed/seems to be a noticable improvement at the 4 1/2 month mark. I suppose it's a combo of more mindful eating, (mostly) daily exercise, plus a more balanced, relaxed, stress free G man. Not boozing and not having big outside stressors to deal with is a huge reason i think (i also handle them much easier and better sober!). Sure, we all have some life stressors, but mine aren't any where near the worrying levels that i know many folks deal with daily. So that's just a quick note to say keep on the sober wagon. If nothing else, you'll be looking real good in no time.

Last night i went out to a bar to watch a couple of bands. It was a cruisey sunday arvo setting, just my pace. I thought i'd take my new improved fat weatherbeaten, bumped, lumped, thumped head out for a test drive. Not sure what anyone else thought, but i knew and importantly FELT that i was lookin gooooooood. The bartender didn't charge me for my tonic water with a slice of lemon - no ice, in a spirits glass, either. She took one look at me and knew. This dude's goin places..........

Have a great week.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nest. I so appreciate that I can come here and be real. Thank you all for listening and being supportive

JVO, way to mix it up with your Saturday plans. That’s tackling the problem of re-living the “old” saturdays - just don’t! Way to take charge of your time and enjoy it with your husband! New neural paths!!

Marylou, please do share your words of wisdom! It’s so helpful for me when struggling to hear what it could be like to stick this quit out! Congratulations on 4 years, that’s epic!

G, I’m sure you are turning heads with your happy, healthy, handsome self. Keep the good vibes coming! People are always attracted to people who have their shit together, bruised or not

Seeker, thanks for your thoughts - glad you were able to have a successful conversation with your lady.

We had a refreshing evening with the party friends - only they were not drinking because they are doing this diet with me! They said they felt great - and he described alcohol withdrawals the first day of the diet but said he would be drinking less from now on because his blood pressure and anxiety has returned to normal! Easier said than done, but a score in the no-alcohol department!! My husband was the only one drinking. He definitely didn’t like it - and also enjoyed himself fully with the booze.

I’ve come to realize his words are tactics to make his drinking ok. To flat out deny my drinking accounts is to deny the truth that he does not want to face. He told me again that I don’t seem happy, don’t laugh, don’t enjoy life any more. Upon reflection of these words that have held me hostage in the past, I realize this is just not true. I laughed a ton last night and was the one cracking jokes. I laughed just this morning lying in bed. If his criteria for “fun and happy” are partying with alcohol, then I guess I DON’T fit the bill. I am sad that he is not the support I would expect a spouse to be, but I am not going to let him derail me either. I guess it’s me and you all for now, and he can deal with it.

I knew this was coming and have been dreading it, but I feel like I’m going to have to choose sobriety or him. Hopefully that’s not the case, but it sucks that I feel that way. He is going to have to support me (or at least not tempt me and criticize my decision) or I will be unable to be with him. It’s hard f-ing enough to quit drinking, but to have your spouse constantly getting in your head is icing on the cake. Then again, it may make me fight harder for what I want to achieve, as I’ve never backed down from a challenge. SO bring it on - I will kick him out before letting him convince me to do things that are unhealthy for me.

I have so much anger for him right now. Such a selfish man at times.

Anyway, on with the day. I feel so much better than I did last week, so that’s a plus! I hope you all keep up the good work!

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I think your attitude here is a healthy one Kensho. You sound real and balanced, and seem like you've stepped back from the situation and thought about it calmy. In general, i know that we have to really put ourselves first when it comes to kicking booze and other addictions to the curb. I see a lot of power! Positive self loving, self respecting power in you through your words, leaping off the page! Bravo!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Agree, G. When it coms to kicking booze, we gotta be selfish and listen to our own selves. To thine own self be true, I think they say that in AA, now I get it. WE know the hell that AL provides for us, even my hubs didnt realize the extent of my problem....because that is part of the disease, to hide it. Jvo, I had to laugh at myself when you said your hubs could tell, mine could, too. My right eye diverges a little, so when I drank, it would relax and steer towards my nose, so I looked crosse-eyed when you looked at me staight on. UGG, those werent the days. Living an authentic life is worth the effort. Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I knew this was coming and have been dreading it, but I feel like I’m going to have to choose sobriety or him. Hopefully that’s not the case, but it sucks that I feel that way. He is going to have to support me (or at least not tempt me and criticize my decision) or I will be unable to be with him. It’s hard f-ing enough to quit drinking, but to have your spouse constantly getting in your head is icing on the cake. Then again, it may make me fight harder for what I want to achieve, as I’ve never backed down from a challenge. SO bring it on - I will kick him out before letting him convince me to do things that are unhealthy for me.

I have so much anger for him right now. Such a selfish man at times.

You've mentioned before, Kensho, that when you don't drink you feel like you've "outgrown" your husband. Given how some people act when drunk and how someone who is dependent on alcohol (not necessarily addicted) will manipulate life in order to drink, it is no wonder you feel that way!! None of us want to hang around with an uncontrolled, spoiled kid who is determined to have his way but that is exactly what it can feel like.

I probably sound like a broken record but I think the advice of AA and other support systems not to make any big decisions during your first sober year is a good one. They are usually talking about not starting a new relationship while you're in the process of breaking up with AL but I think it works both ways. Ending a relationship (at least permanently) during the first year might be a mistake. That isn't to say that a separation might not be needed if you cannot stay sober when with him but so much is changing within you during that first year, it's hard to know how you'll feel about things in 2019.

That doesn't mean you have to go with him for drinking-centered events or always be his designated driver or clean up his literal and figurative post-drinking messes. You can refuse to argue about your choice not to drink. When he says it is no fun for him when you don't drink, you can point out that it is no fun for you when he drinks too much. You have the right to live your life on your terms. There is nothing in those marriage vows about sacrificing your health and well-being to please your spouse!

I'm so sorry he isn't giving you the support you deserve. Perhaps when he sees that this is a final decision and that you are a much more contented person now, he'll understand that this is the right choice for you. And just maybe he'll change to be a bit more like you when you're no longer helping him justify his behavior by going along. I know my friends are sometimes uncomfortable with my not drinking because even though nothing is said, it forces them to acknowledge how much they are. It is hard when someone makes a different decision when you're not sure the one you're making is the right one. I'm sure it is even harder in a marriage. Hang in there - you're doing the right thing for YOU and there is no way your relationship can ever be truly healthy until you are. xx, NS

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Getting a little work done in my shop while reading all the posts

Kensho, I’m sorry you are dealing with the unhappy spouse thing, I did it too so I understand.
Things got a lot clearer for me when I finally realized that he was just going to be unhappy regardless of what I did or did not do,. He was the one who was choosing to be unhappy each & every day. I can’t live with that kind of negativity, I won’t anymore. We lived apart for four years until he finally relented & understood that happiness is a choice that you actively have to choose each day. Talk about a thick headed person.
You stay right on the path that you have chosen for yourself. You know what makes you happy

Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all!
PS: I didn’t see any foxes creeping around today so we should be just fine!

Lav

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Quick fly by on a busy weekend, but I've read all the posts.

Kensho, I am SO sorry for the lack of support from your husband. I really don't know what I would have done if instead of supporting me, my husband was encouraging me to drink. Stay strong for yourself and your kids - you're rocking it.

Off to sleep. Happy new week! Everyone's doing so well - keep it up...

Pav

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone,

I'm back and I know it's been a while. Sadly things have been a mess: I managed a good 2 weeks AL free, until New Years and for some reason drank (the usual lies: it's the end of the year, new start tomorrow etc etc) of course all that did was kick-start another week-long binge. Cleaned up for a week, then after suffering 2 nights of terrible insomnia (first day back at work nerves) I gave in on the Wednesday and drank. It's now almost a week later and I've been drinking since. I'm really at the end of my rope now - next Monday's a public holiday which means a long weekend, and I have very clear and vivid memories of last year's holiday drinking to excess and trying to go on a hike and for the first time really feeling the impact on my health. I didn't want a repeat of that, but here I am a year later and the pattern continues. Today was supposed to be my first AL free day in a week, but somehow I gave in and here I am after a 6 pack, ready to go to bed for yet another sleepless night. I want to stop tomorrow and I plan to, but I'm now terrrified of never ever being able to quit. I've mentioned before that I successfully quit for over 4 years back in 2012 before stupidly starting again in Dec 16. I've been struggling to find the same feeling of 'that's it, I'm done' that I had back there. There's the ever present fear of going 2 -4 days, a week or 2 then drinking again - it's been the story of my life for the last 12 months. I'm embarrassed to post here again and say that I failed, but I do want to stop drinking; I'll post again tomorrow morning before work - I just hope that by the time the day is done, I don't find myself back at the liquor shop...