Newbies Nest

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone

KENSHO, thank you for sharing your story. I had a lot of anxiety with the opposite sex and found it easier to just drink and get drunk to deal with those nerves.

I’m actually having a great night compared to last night. The meditation is helping heaps. I did it after I posted last night, then again before I went to bed, as soon as I woke up and again before I picked my daughter up from school. Sometimes I fall asleep but when I wake up I feel a lot better. I downloaded Belle.s book Tired of Thinking About Drinking. It’s great. She has it set up so that the listener (I got the autio) does a 100day challenge. It feels good for me to have this as a plan. I also enjoy her humor.

I’m feeling pretty steady tonight so I’m grateful.

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening,

Reading through the posts tonight - congrat NS on 5 years! As someone who previously made it to only 4.5 years, that really is an achievement. Today is just important continuing sobriety as it was on your first day - wish someone had reminded me of that - I made the mistake of letting myself believe that after 4.5 years I could handle a single drink - how wrong that turned out!
Today was a bit slow at work, as it's nearing the end of the week and there's a long weekend coming up most of the staff had a few drinks at the end of the day. Luckily I had my headphones on when they were going round asking people of they wanted a drink - I quickly shook my head 'No' and carried on working. A bit later I had to go into a meeting with some workmates, they all taking their drinks in with them. The smell of wine and beer didn't temp me or play with my addiction, actually I remember feeling sick by the smell of it - it was almost that my brain instead of going 'oh, beer....I want one of those' was reminded of the feeling the morning after when I could still smell/taste the drink from the night before but was feeling very ill and damaged.
I was planning on going for another evening mission (I really enjoyed last nights), but after having some dinner and chilling out on the couch I couldn't find the strength to leave the house again - I think all those nights of bad drink-sleeping are catching up with me.
Anyway, one more day to go then the long-weekend. I'm glad that unlike last year's this one will be spent being sober and actually getting out and enjoying it!

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

That's also 5 years of putting your real priorities (family, health, living authentically) front and center. :

'Living authentically'. I like that Wags.

How are you going LC? You've awakened the beast, so take extra care this first week my friend.

Choices, Yoga and meditation are lifesavers and the doorway to inner peace. And they are available free, no side effects. People have said to me that they can't meditate because they find they are alone with just their thoughts and those thoughts are distressing and painful. Well pilgrims, this is EXACTLY why meditation is the first thing such folk should be doing. Why? Because the purpose is to focus on your breath. That's it. When thoughts come, leave them alone, and bring the focus back to the physical breath, stomach movements, air in and out. More thoughts? No worries, leave them alone and return focus to the breath and body/diaghram movement. We can't think of 2 things at once! At least i can't.

Purpose/concept - I can't think of 2 things at once. While i'm listening to, and feeling my breath come in and out, that is time spent not in emotional pain, or distressed. Even if for a few seconds. With practice, maybe i can lengthen zero distress time to 10 seconds, 1 minute, 5 minutes, 30 mins....etc.

Good job K bro.

take it easy out there.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,
i really appreciate all of the words of support and advice you've offered. I read every post very slowly. I'm putting all of my intention today into getting back into the right frame of mind, moving back to a state of gratitude rather than despair and negativity. I know what I want and I won't let this derail me..it's clear to me now that my plan had/has some holes. I really thought that I was done with wanting to drink in any way, done with fooling myself and lying to myself. But obviously not.
Right this moment I feel overwhelmed with everything, with the stress I've caused myself by drinking again. So I have to just stay in the moment and be ok with now and with my decision to get back on track. I don't want to live a lie. I want to live a life I'm happy in and proud of.. I experienced more joy the past few weeks not drinking than I had the past couple of years before that.

NS, congratulations on 5 years of Freedom.. thank you so much for all you do here.:love:

ok. onward and upward.

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] Congratulations on 5 years! Your words always inspire me when I'm down or just plain feeling sorry for myself because I can never drink like "normal" people. Thank you, and here's to 5 more years of sobriety!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

LC - Just read what happened. I am very glad you're back posting and sharing. Don't despair - you're finding your way out. I know you listen to the Bubble Hour - I recommend the episodes regarding relapse. VERY interesting about the steps that lead up to relapse and how you can thwart the actual drinking from happening. If you read back on your posts to before you're drinking, I believe you'll see a slight change in tone, especially your experience visiting your family and then returning home. Don't beat yourself up too badly, and stay positive.

I again have to run off to work. Good to see everyone here.

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Roobs - I typically start my posts in another program like Word and then copy and paste so I don’t lose them.

LC - you got this, we’re here for you!

Choices - oh I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled or lost my temper during dinner. And bedtime. And bath. And wake up. I’m trying to learn to pick my battles. Kid doesn’t want to eat? Fine, don’t eat. Don’t want to wear pajamas? Fine, don’t wear pajamas. But it’s so, so, so hard.

Congrats, NS! 5 years is wonderful!

Kensho - Thanks for sharing your story and being so open and honest. I have so many similar stories. In fact I just wrote one out and deleted it and it brought back about 3 more similar stories. The issue I have with these stories though, is that I can easily pretend that it was just “college life.” Everyone got stupid drunk and did stupid things, right? And I can tell myself there were plenty of other times I drank and just got “regular” drunk. But I remember the shame waking up from each of those stories. The absolute worst happened probably when I was 23 or 24. We had some friends over and everyone had been drinking a bit (me, a lot.) I went to the bathroom to take my bra off because I was uncomfortable. But I was so drunk I forgot to pull my shirt back up. That’s right, my husband’s (this was before we were married) best friend got a huge eye full before I realized what was even happening. I can still see the expression on his face. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. No one knows this story except my husband and his best friend (who to be honest might have forgotten by now - or they at least don’t think about it regularly) and me. Ugggghhhh, the shame. Of course that next morning I was adamant I’d never get drunk again, but of course that didn’t happen.

Congrats on the almost 5 months, G-man! I just looked at my app and realized it the other day. Always think of you when I see my days because I know we’re close! We’re closing in on 6 months soon, who would have thought???

As the thoughts of going back to drinking creep in as my due date approaches, I keep telling myself to just take it one day at a time. Right now it’s really easy to think long term because I can’t drink, but once I CAN drink, the real work starts. If I can just think about each day. One day will turn into another and then another and then another. One really silly thing that I’m trying to remind myself of is the smaller things that I’ve changed now that I’m not drunk or hungover. Stupid things like putting on lotion every morning, flossing my teeth or washing my face. I used to just crash into bed at night and now I have this routine. And just those small things make me feel better. I stopped wearing makeup and have no doubt my skin looks better (minus the nasty pregnancy flareups) - no longer need eye makeup to brighten my hungover eyes.

Everyone have a wonderful alcohol free Thursday. I’m off to finish up my work project and then on to the next.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moonking, I don't want to overstep any bounds but I'm concerned that you are even considering drinking with an infant in your care. I often take care of my infant grandson and I cannot imagine doing it without 100% of my wits about me. If I hadn't quit, I would have invented excuses as to why I couldn't babysit - and look at all I would have missed!

You may think you'll only have one or two because that is what you did when your daughter was born. Maybe that would be the case but you can't know that and unless you're an outlier here, the problem worsens over time. That 'one' might unexpectedly lead to many any time.

Some people need a shocking or tragic rock bottom to scare them straight but I sure hope you don't take the risk of your new baby being part of that. And as a side note, alcohol can get into the breast milk. That likely isn't a big deal if you actually have just one but if you were to lose control, you could intoxicate your baby.

I think a newborn deserves the same attention and care as a fetus. And that you deserve it, too. For an addict, alcohol shouldn't be any part of that.

Ok, off my soapbox. I hope the remainder of your pregancy is easy, your delivery a snap, and a happy, healthy child comes into your world :heart:.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

hi again Nesters,

Yes, Pav, I think you are right..I was feeling so out of sorts, sad and depressed upon returning. I should have taken more/extra care to really pay attention to how I was feeling. I shut it all down and that is always dangerous.

G-man, I see now that I didn't have all my bases covered for when the f***it's come into play. I've been wanting to and talking about getting a daily self care routine going.. but haven't actually done anything about it yet. Not really, not regularly. So that is my number one goal, beginning today. Keeping the gratitude journal helped me a lot and I stopped doing that on the 17th, which should have also been a big red flag.

Byrdie, you are also really right with making service a bigger part of the equation. It does always make me feel so much better to help out if I can or to do something nice just for the heck of it.. When I get so wrapped up in my own problems that those things don't even occur to me anymore, it's also not a good sign.
Today I gave my tram tickets to people as I got off the tram.. not a big deal at all but it made them happy.. and I just had to think to do it.

I also realized again today how quickly my state of mind really plummets when I drink. Immediately, I was so depressed and couldn't see the positive in anything. The world shrunk to the size of my tiny home and I had the feeling of keeping my daughters hostage.. I was so angry with myself and took it out on them in a drunken rage. I screamed at my eldest so loudly that I made her cry and scared them both. And of course all the neighbors must have heard. It was horrible.. and then the cycle can so easily continue for me, when drinking to escape for even just a bit seems better than facing the pain.. FEAR. That is my biggest obstacle.

Wags and NS, What you said about the spiral keeps going through my head.. I'm very bummed that I let alcohol back into my system because I know how it sets me back, but it helps to know that I didn't fall all the way back down to the bottom again. That I didn't lose everything learned.
Lav, denial has still been a part of my problem. I was thinking about when this began, Ava, and I think it was when I read an interview with Joaquin Phoenix. He was saying that he never drank, EXCEPT while flying. That might or might not be true, but I do remember a spark going off it's the only thing I took away from the article. I KNOW there are no exceptions for me.
Choices, I ordered, the unexpected joy of being sober upon your recommendation and it arrived today.. so I'm happy to have it in hand and will start after dinner.
Kiwi, Moon, Seekers, Kensho! and everyone stopping by today, thank you for being here! I won't stray away again.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC, here's a fun (if really rude osteroops way to start your Mr G-sanctioned meditation and self-care routine: YouTube. This cracks me up every time I hear it and is a good reminder that all of this loving yourself business doesn't have to be so serious - just like loving someone else, it should be FUN!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC, you HAVE learned a bundle. And if you re-read your posts, you will see a grounded, wise, solid person there. That person is not gone and you can find her anytime you choose. Maybe tackle how to breath and process that fear and discomfort when it arises again? For me, when I've had uncomfortable feelings, I have been trying to feel them as strongly as possible. I am sad, how sad? How does it feel? How bad does it hurt? Do I know why? And for some reason, once it knows I've felt it, it dissolves and better feelings move in. I have been where you are so many times, and I know you will find your happy, sober self again. I believe in you!

Choices, I had plenty of stupid "just college drinking" times - out dancing or at the bars. But the different times started happening when I specifically drank to escape certain feelings. And alone, often alone! That's when the trouble started. Ugh! These awful memories!

The husband just visited a Dr. about some shoulder pain. He told him to do yoga with me, and continue with the diet and supplements I give him. He said that it was great he was learning about meditation as well. Hmmmmmm, the man has hope.

Anyhow, I'd love to type all day to avoid the accounting that's staring at me right now, but I really do need to get paid soon. Keep up the good work everyone. I am convinced that at some point we all know in our hearts that we can't continue to drink. At that point, as long as we keep working toward that, we will be fine.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks so much for that great advice, Kensho.. to completely acknowledge those feelings and feel them, go through them. I didn't do that with the sadness.. I pushed it away, buried it. I wasn't sure I could "handle" it, but of course I could have/would have. Good news with regards to your Hubby!

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola Nesters,

Good post Kensho.

LC. I'm just blindly going with the daily self care routine. I'm trying something new and part of this new approach is consistency. Being consistent and doing a little self care every morning. I'm tipping it'll do/is doing some good. I had to try something, so i added a little daily self care routine i could handle and there is no debate with myself whether i do it or not. Not negotiable. Half asleep, wound up, happy, sad, doesn't matter, i just do it anyway. Keep it going. If drinking distresses me in anyway, and affects my behaviour and happiness, then i have a problem and i can change it. I believe in you too.

Here's another meditation - 10 mins. YouTube

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC...:hug: I'm glad you are here.

G, I may need to try and incorporate that into my routine. I used to do meditation, and I could tell a difference in my anxiety levels when I was consistent with it three times a day. Now I'm encouraging my son to use these tools for his anxiety, and I should be practicing what I preach.

Well, another day of no napping. The only problem now is that I feel exhausted and can't get off the couch. Could be because I've been up since 4 a.m. Because of my dog barking. I'm skipping exercise and heading to bed early.

I am aware of all the blessings sobriety is offering me. I have a journal ready to be written in, and need to start jotting these ideas down, even the smallest and most simple pleasures, because they're easy to forget. Writing something daily would be a valuable, easy, and quick reference to strengthen my resolve when I'm feeling wobbly. I know my mind goes off to places where it shouldn't be. That's when I need to open that journal and look at the stuff I have written...or will write. It's like when our kids are growing up and they say the cutest and funniest things. I wish I'd have kept a journal of all of those memories, because I don't remember all of them. So I wanna make an attempt to begin writing so I don't forget all the good stuff that happens daily. Little by little, I'm adding things to my sober repertoire. I want to find out what works for me best in my new life, what tools are best for me, and what makes me feel healthy. I know sitting on my ass on this couch feels damn good now. Sometimes you just need that, too.

Night, Nest.

Jvo

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I had another reminder of why I keep my quit today - a last minute request to pick up the grandsons after school, bring them to my house, make dinner, supervise homework & otherwise keep the peace until 8 pm when they were picked up by their dad. Yep, couldn't pull all that off if I was still hugging the wine bottle

Great to see everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav