Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a bit of snow here today but not enough to cause any delays or problems. It's really cold though, only 24 degrees.

jvo, CONGRATS on 30 AF days!! Be happy, be proud of your accomplishment. I think this big moon thing happening tonight is affecting a lot of us, one way or the other
Your question about having a gun - well, I am married to a retied cop so what do you think?? Ha ha!!! I really would prefer to wait until the fox family moves on it's own accord but we'll see.

Kensho, CONGRATS on 50 AF days, yay!!

Ava, you're a lucky girl that you were able to quit smoking right away. I'm afraid to even think about it myself......

Everyone sounds pretty good so I'll wish a cozy & safe night in the nest for all!!

Lav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

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“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future; live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh”

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good to see you CER. Keep it going.

Kensho! Congratulations on 50 days booze free, and Jvo congratulations on 30 days off the turps! Wowza! That's some achievement right there.

:balloons::flowers:ink::llama:

Hope all are going along well.

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

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Love, love, love the quote NS! Made my morning!:thanks:

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

To slow down and live in the moment as much as possible is one of the life lessons growing out and away from addiction (SPIRALLING UP AND OUT, @wagmore!) has given me, @Jude58. Quitting drinking FORCED me off the hamster wheel of secretly overdrinking and covering it up by blindly pursuing and achieving external goals that made me look like I was even better than "fine". Maybe something else would have opened my eyes - just getting older tends to reveal the sad truth about our carefully constructed egos - but this experience certainly changed me in ways I'm so grateful for.

After finding that quote for @jvo last evening, I remembered to savor my coffee this morning :smile:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - hop right back into that cigs quit woman - you've got this!

Byrdie - beautiful cake!

NS - wonderful quote - thank you for sharing.

Kensho - hooray for the half century mark! Or the Golden Anniversary if you prefer Congrats on the hard work you've put in to reach this milestone. It seems (and "sounds" like, from your posts) that you've approached this quit from a new angle - truly one of your final quit. Great job so far! Enjoy the moment, shore up any cracks you find in your plan, and move steadily on toward triple digits. We're all rooting for you!

Jvo - Same for you at 30 days - one month of sobriety :yay: I would say, in response to your recent post, that 30 days is not a place to evaluate if this is all there is. Instead, I would assure you that no - it isn't all, there's much more. Maybe not unicorns and rainbows more, but cool clear pools of water more, warm cocoa by the fire on a chilly night more. What I mean is, the joy of sobriety is often a subtle undertone. To me, not as a long-timer but at a solid 18 months +, it's more a sense of reassurance - like the ground under my feet is more solid and stable, which lets me leap and jump for the things I want to stretch for, and also lets me hunker down and feel safe when storms come. Having said that, life still sucks sometimes. Yesterday was a day like that for me - one full of feeling things I really didn't want to feel, things I really wanted to escape from. That doesn't go away with a solid quit. But what does go away is the unhealthy unhelpful response of drinking to cope or escape or even "celebrate" such times. And what does feel a bit unicorn-ish is waking up the next morning with no regrets guilt or shame from drinking. My today is starting off better. Sometimes the next day is actually worse, but there is always that little kick in my step of knowing I didn't reach for a bottle or glass.

For you this might feel different. I imagine for others on here with months or years, being AF feels different - unique to them. I encourage folks to share, as I think this is a topic worth revisiting regularly.

I'm sorry your struggling right now Jvo. Please know you're not alone, and hold strong to your quit. When this fog lifts I promise you will be far happier sitting 30+ days into a quit. :hug:


Pav, G, Lav, LC, Choices, Moon, Kiwi, Jude, and everyone else passing through the nest today - happy hump day/night to you all!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I was out to a celebratory dinner last night and after much deliberation, a fabulous wine was chosen. Actually, I don't know how fabulous it was but man, it was VOLATILE! The wine smell pretty much overpowered the fragrances of the food. In fact, I felt like I could almost taste it, just from the scent. I wish I could tell you that I thought it smelled gross or at least off-putting but I must admit, the sensation I was getting from the smell was pretty pleasant :chargrined:.

Anyway, I came home to a night of very stressful drinking dreams! I never had more than a swallow (just to taste it, you know...) but kept waking up feeling so bad until I realized it was a dream. You were there, Byrdie, very disappointed that I kept sneaking off because you of course knew what I was up to.

So, not a great night of sleep but awesome to wake up for good this morning and know that I didn't actually drink! Even in my stupor, I knew it just wasn't worth it but could not seem to stop myself from taking those slugs. I guess this is just how my body/mind worked out whatever was triggered by those strong smells. I'm grateful not to have been fooled into making a really bad choice (especially given that my friends would be much happier if I joined in).

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, crazy smell-triggered dream! Haven't had one in awhile. The sneaking was the worst part for me - so un-authentic and disrespectful. I also drank (in part) to keep up the pain of overachieving and a ridiculous schedule. I have noticed that not drinking has caused me to find more balance in my life and go to bed instead of meeting every single unrealistic deadline I've set for myself. That is a happier picture.

Running off to the wild world of fabrics and furniture today. And meeting the friend to discuss joining forces. Curious about how that will go.

Have a peaceful day everyone.

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

NoSugar - I've been having some of those drinking dreams too over the last couple of nights. I've noticed their usually the same in that I'm at a party or festival with friends and I realise to my horror that I've been drinking all along without remembering that I'm supposed to have quit. For some reason it's also the early hours of the morning and there's something I've got to get up and do the next morning and in the dream I know that I'll be very hungover and I can even start to feel the anxiousness of it all..so it's always a relief when I do wake up and remember I didn't drink the night before (is there anything worse that those times when you do wake up the next morning and it suddenly hits you that you DID drink last night - that mixture of disappointment and anger is something I won't miss!).
Onto day 9 of my quit - day 13: I'm coming for you!

Hope everyone has a nice day - not long till the weekend now!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kiwi you’re rocking it!!! Way to go!!!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Late check in for me.. it's been a very busy day and another to come.. super looking forward to this weekend!

J-vo, your post this morning (and the quote, NS) helped me to slow down a bit, to be more aware of the moments of my day, what I was experiencing as it was happening instead of rushing through. It's weird, that. I often also rush to get home. I'm thinking it's residual actions from, 1. having young children that I always felt I had to be home for and 2. rushing home to drink! Now I don't have either of those and it felt good to just be there at work. I could connect better with my co-workers and most of all, I noticed I could listen better, pay more attention because I wasn't 3 hours ahead of myself.

We have a big dinner tomorrow night and we decided at the last minute that we should have not just af drinks, but af drinks to "pair" with the food. Usually we just offer wine and water and sometimes Kombucha or a spritzed water.. I began looking around for recipes and it seems there's a lack of them, specifically for pairing with food.. some of the upper end restaurants have alternative menus to the wine menus.. and some of the drinks sound delicious. It sparked my interest..

As you described the red wine, NS, I'm happy to say that I felt like I could gag. Right now I feel very much allergic to alcohol.
Kiwi, nothing worse than waking up at 3am and realising that you've f****** everything up, that you haven't stuck to the plan. That is the worst nightmare/reality of all.

Funny, Kensho, I have thought of you several times the past week as I've been trying to figure out what the heck to do with my living room. It is such a beautiful space as far as light goes, but absolutely impossible to know where to put furniture. Yesterday as I was riding my bike home, I thought, Kensho would surely know what to do! :happy2: Looking forward to hearing about how the meeting with your friend goes..

Wags, thanks for the blick into the future of sobriety.. It's so important for us not to get discouraged from thinking that "this is it". I know that has derailed me in the past. Convincing myself that it isn't worth the effort, that I can't do it.
I am feeling good about clearly keeping my AV as a separate entity and at a distance. Actually I know that any and all negativity coming from myself is my AV in disguise, trying to bring me down, trying to weaken me/lower my self confidence. I might be sounding a bit loop loop, but I'm finding I like to fight this way, with love in my heart. I think this feels good because I've been acting out from a place of fear for so long, whether it manifests itself in jealousy, shame, gossipy behaviour, anxiety, worry.. all of these feelings that cause me pain are coming/have come from a place of fear. So I'm going heavy in the other direction for awhile..:love:

Choices, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story the other day.. I know (we all know) how difficult it is to admit something that we feel so deeply ashamed about. But I think that is exactly what can help us. That is one part of AA that I agree with.. sharing these stories with another person, getting it out. I really believe it can help us to heal. :hug:

Meant to give an André update.. He stopped by the day before I was leaving for the States after having missed a lunch date we'd made. I didn't really have time.. then I tried to call him a couple weeks ago but he didn't answer his phone.. I was a bit worried and thought I'd visit him soon. Yesterday he called, sounding great, asking if I could meet for a falafel on Monday, which I can and will.. then he mentioned that he was going to be on T.V. (a very good public station) in a reportage about homeless people in Berlin. The news team followed him around for a day, interviewing him.. he said they all had a really nice time. It's on mid Feb. and I hope it will be good.. give viewers a better idea of who some of these people are.

ok. I hope everyone is having an nice hump day.. or at least an alright one.
see you all tomorrow.. Big hugs to everyone flying by or stopping in..

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

well a beautiful morning here. Sun is shining, not too hot and not too cold. i love the early mornings without a hangover, even after 4 years i never get tired of them.

J happy 30 days. Just keep doing what you are doing, the world does get brighter as time goes on. If there was a miracle cure to stop drinking we would all be taking it but since there is not then we have to take each day as it comes. some days are just brighter than others and some are just plain dull. proud of you.

congrats on 50 days too kensho, keep up the great work.

Wags, i still think me being sober is someone else. When i hit a milestone i shake my head and smile that it really is me and i am doing it, walking the walk each and every day. i appreciate life so much now, i want to live, i want to see what tomorrow brings and each day when i wake up i truly like the person i am. Of course some days are better than others but i deal with the shite like all of those "normal" people do. Being sober is learning to be the real us instead of drowning it in a bottle and thats the hard part. Facing the stuff that we drank at and figuring out the why's. Even now if i cant/dont want to go down that track as its too hard, then i dont but i have realised a lot of my past was not my fault and as i got older drinking was how i dealt with the hurt and pain. Now i can express those feelings knowing that i wont be judged for being me and i am still lovable and i deserve the best life has to offer me. I see so many people struggle with what i struggled with at the beginning of sobriety, thinking i could never do it, it was easy for the others, they dont have my life or problems but we did have it all, it was just a different story and we all started in the same awful dark place. never did i think i would see any light at the end of the tunnel in the early days but that light is a bright one today, each day it shines. I never ever regret not drinking.

take care x

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I also feel as though I am rushing to get things done, at work. I rush thru stuff, my anxiety skyrockets, and for what? Rush to get everything done that I know won't happen. Rush to get home so I can rush to sit on the damn couch? There's no need to rush thru anything. Rush to get to long term sobriety so I can be happier? Rush against time. I've always done that. And because I do this, my energy level is completely wiped out st the end of my work day. Soooo, must watch that YouTube video...F that! Let that sh!& go.

We did have a two hour delay this morning which is always a treat. And the snow on the trees was beautiful this morning. Whew! That wasn't too hard to say two good things.

Jvo. I'm just another fella getting sober, but as a serial relapser i have found that i need to STOP! and SLOW DOWN. I'm a serial rusher too. Like i'm on speed or something. Rushing here and there, ultimately wasting a lot of energy that i need for my inner self to stay calm, balanced and resilient. The way i'm dealing with my constant rushing in frenzied circles is to breathe. I breathe every morning. Part of my daily morning practice of self care. The purpose is i'm trying to instill some sort of discipline and awareness of self in me to carry through each day and moment. After 150 days of doing this, i believe it is helping. I don't know if it will keep me sober, and it's no magic wand, but my thinking is if i address my inner self/balance and set up an oasis there inside, i've got a chance. Stress and distress are way overrated! :happy2:

It's so important for us not to get discouraged from thinking that "this is it". I know that has derailed me in the past. Convincing myself that it isn't worth the effort, that I can't do it.
I am feeling good about clearly keeping my AV as a separate entity and at a distance. Actually I know that any and all negativity coming from myself is my AV in disguise, trying to bring me down, trying to weaken me/lower my self confidence. I might be sounding a bit loop loop, but I'm finding I like to fight this way, with love in my heart. I think this feels good because I've been acting out from a place of fear for so long, whether it manifests itself in jealousy, shame, gossipy behaviour, anxiety, worry.. all of these feelings that cause me pain are coming/have come from a place of fear. So I'm going heavy in the other direction for awhile..:love:

Love this LC. Coming from a place of fear, or coming from a place of love. I know this one well! I def find it much easier and more fun coming from a place of love, and from a place of abundance, rather than a place of lacking and fear. What a difference in thinking and attitude right there. Which one do i choose? Have a guess pilgrims! I choose an attitude of gratitude, to come from a place of luuuuurve in all of my dealings with people, beasts, other entities, and i choose/try to come from a place of abundance, NOT from a place of lacking, missing out (poor me!) or want. Nice one buddy. Keep up the great reflective work. Love ur posts. thx for the update on Andre. Glad to hear he's still around and seems to be ok.

i appreciate life so much now, i want to live, i want to see what tomorrow brings and each day when i wake up i truly like the person i am. Of course some days are better than others but i deal with the shite like all of those "normal" people do. Being sober is learning to be the real us instead of drowning it in a bottle and thats the hard part. Facing the stuff that we drank at and figuring out the why's. Even now if i cant/dont want to go down that track as its too hard, then i dont but i have realised a lot of my past was not my fault and as i got older drinking was how i dealt with the hurt and pain. Now i can express those feelings knowing that i wont be judged for being me and i am still lovable and i deserve the best life has to offer me. I see so many people struggle with what i struggled with at the beginning of sobriety, thinking i could never do it, it was easy for the others, they dont have my life or problems but we did have it all, it was just a different story and we all started in the same awful dark place. never did i think i would see any light at the end of the tunnel in the early days but that light is a bright one today, each day it shines. I never ever regret not drinking.

take care x

Brill post Ava. Yes, you are lovable and deserve the best life has to offer. Indeedy doody!

Great post earlier Wags! I still have thoughts and feelings sometimes as to whether sobriety is worth it for me. Just the other day my subconcious drinking mind was looking for a way out of sobriety. Whoooah G man.....what? A way out of sobriety you say? Yes. This is what crossed my mind. But i remain sober and prefer my sober life, but i will say that the thought of giving up still pops into my head. So i am looking at this thought, this feeling, this idea, and welcoming it, staring at it, examining it rather than run away from it and try to hide from it. I am interested to know why i think this sometimes, and where it's coming from. Ultimately though, my true and higher self wants sobriety. I know inside that sobriety is the best path for me on every level. To drink again will simply open the downward path to oblivion and a slow certain death, well before my time. Dreams will not be realised. I would disappear and die as a sad, frustrated lonely man. Now that sounds like fun doesn't it G man??!!! Duh!

Take it easy out there.

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

Wags, your post was really awesome and poetic. I think that should go into the toolbox. Thank you.

Thanks NS for the quote!!

G, what you're doing probably would be something I would definitely benefit from. I had another day of being so high strung and my mind/body is so exhausted. The stresses in my life are creating this. I can feel that statement I just made is wrong, but I still wanna say it. I'm not taking it back right now. Two things...work and son. Two big ones.

I'm sorry. Not wanting to talk much tonight. Just want to say I'm not drinking. I'm crabby and tired and sick of winter. I'm going to sunny Florida in a few weeks to visit my Dad. I'm looking forward to the sunshine on my face and having a healthy and relaxing break

Keep on people.

Jvo

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone,

I'm doing good. It's overcast today and a very welcome break from the hot sun. I have been busy, busy the past couple of days and have a few hours to myself this afternoon to get more done? Or rest? I am opting for rest. It feels so good to just be sober.

I do feel overwhelmed in the later part of the day, pretty much every day. I think I read somewhere that before a relapse happens there is a pre-relapse. I would suspect that mine was due to overwhelm. Then once I started again I clung to it becase I didn't want to say goodbye. Anyway, I am looking at this time of day and trying to be as mindful as I can. To just breath though these tence emotions instead of pushing them down or away. Pushing them down, or away just causes pressure. When the pressure gets too much I feel desperate, and I am not as in control over my compulsion to reach for a way out ie alcohol. SO, just thoughts. Inspired by G-man's advice on overwhelm and I am sold on meditation and yoga.

I'm still meditating 3 times a day if not more. (More if I feel that pressure is building up, or if I'm feeling peaceful and want to relish in it). At the moment I'm doing it guided through an app that was recommended in Catherine Grays book.. it's called buddhify. It's really user friendly and there are ones as short as 5 min. I have longer ones that go more in depth that I use to do before finding this app but I'm not in that headspace again yet.

I'm going camping with some moms and kids this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. There is a lot of prep work to get done. I started to freak out and then just decided to relax. It's just camping!

I hope everyone is well and taking good care of themselves.