Newbies Nest

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Here's a beautifully written cautionary tale: The search for Jackie Wallace | NOLA.com
It is LONG but worth it, especially for us, to read it all the way through.
(You might think you're done b/c of ads in the online version but keep scrolling. You'll know for sure when it really is over).

Thanks for this SB. I totally get it with Jackie, which doesn't mean i understand the man or know how or what he feels. But his returning to using and life on the street after an argument with his partner as in the story, is easy for us to do. A case of having the Fk its!, and not being able to, or knowing how to handle it. Being ready and able to handle any level of Fk it! is something i know i need to constantly be match fit and prepared for. The thing is, Jackie would've had the tools and had some strategies. The question for me is why didn't he use them, and why did he decide to go into the abyss? Edit: A question i know well like many of us!

Ava, sheesh. Hope your son's ok. I wonder if there was an issue/allergy with the anaesthetic. Keep us posted and take care.

LC. I have a few travel ideas. Sth america for chicks, Spain for chicks, and/or Asia for chicks. I'll likely take a small trip to asia first to visit friends in Indonesia and Vietnam to get my travel legs. I could settle there and teach english if i like the vibe, same with Sth America. But i'm juggling band commitments and work, so slowly putting a plan together. I think i'm going to take a month off work here and just go very soon, then see how i feel when i return. I know often when we travel and get out of our usual environment for awhile, a few things can become clearer.

Day 161. Take it easy out there.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Way to go on day 161 G! Thanks for the clarification on Lil...I guess I read too fast.
Yeah, I am going to read the article about Jackie that NS posted, it looks interesting.

Life, its so weird how we go through stages with our skin. I started breaking out a few years ago but now it seems to be ok. Crazy eh? I found this stuff that is called Beautycounter and that really helped me. Yeah, drinking would be devastating right now. But we Don't drink! right Pav?

Oh man, Ava, I really hope your boy is ok. I am sure he is but its hard not to worry yourself silly. Big hug from me.

Choices, you are going to kick butt in school. I know how stressful it can be, take it day by day and stay sober

Ken, you sound great. Yeah, booze is off the table.

Kiwi, so glad you didn't drink. Starting at Day 1 really sucks, I mean, how many times do you want to do that? It is SO hard, so keep up the good work and keep coming back. It sounds like you live in a beautiful place.

It is colder than hell here in Canada, I walk to work everyday and wear a ton of layers. It is supposed to snow again tonight, it is quite beautiful, a winter wonderland. I can enjoy it because I am not living in the haze of AL.

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening All,

It was a looong day. Because we have no substitutes when teachers are out, we have to do coverages for their classes. On top of my own schedule, I covered an extra chorus and band class. Babysat. Tiring. Don't get my clerical work accomplishd or planning done. Little frustrating, but we do get paid to cover. I'd rather have the time to get things done.

Kiwi, that was the best thought you could have had with regards to having to start over at day 1. Yes, that would suck. I know my body and mind already feel 100x better at this point and to go back to feeling like I did, well, would suck!! Thank you for reminding me about that very important tool.

Wags, I still didn't get my book. Grrr! I really need something like that now. Gonna read [MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] article she posted. Wag, you had quit for 10 years? You must have been a youngin! Did you have support back then and what made you take that first drink that we all must stay away from? Sorry if I'm diggin for info but at 10 years, which is where a friend of mine I work with has, is a solid quit. Was it a situation? A f-it moment, or something else. You don't have to answe if you don't want to. I do know after five years that the percentage of people that stay sober increases greatly. I'm glad your here and doing so well after 18 months. Love to read your posts.

G, what about the USA chicks!! We aren't too shabby. Good luck with your plans. How exciting to be able to travel. You'll need to make some big sober travel plans when this happens because you would not wanna be hungover for the most amazing and adventurous time in your life.

Choices, good luck with your new semester. You'll do great and like you said, all the material will not be new. Good for you. Does your daughter start first grade? I get you miss your mom lots. Has she been able to visit you? Is all your fam in the US?

Hi Nar! Stay warm my friend. There are already two hour delays running at the bottom of my tv. Snow on its way along with ice. Ice, ice, Baby! Good chance we will have a day off tomorrow.

Ava, have you heard about your babe? Keeping you in my thoughts. Hang in there friend. And how awesome no thoughts of al or smokes! You rawk my dear.

Pav, I could down a shot of whiskey in my drinking days. Normal drinkers wouldn't even think of that I suppose. I'm sure those intermittent dreams keep you on your toes.

My energy levels have been so low lately. I hope it's just because of the weather.

Have a good night, Nest.

Jvo

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for the good wishes for the new semester. I sure hope I do kick butt! I didn't know I would be going AF when I enrolled, and it is really good I only have one class. (The other classes I failed I can't take until semester 2). It works out well. I really want to focus on being sober and I will have emotional space to do that now.

Jvo- The school system is a little different here as far kids go. I don't have my head around it yet and the year is different too. My daughter is 5 so technically she would be starting primary school at this age. Grade zero. (I think?) But she is in montessori so will stay there until she is 6. She is there 5 days a week though, full days. It works out well with study (as long as there isn't too much!)

All of my family is in the US. My Dad, Stepmother, Sister and her family just visited me in NZ for Christmas. My mom won't do the flight so has never been to NZ.

In 2014 It was on a flight back to NZ that I took my first drink after 4 AF years. I had a very horrible time at home (US) and a few massive fights with my sister. The biggest one being at the airport before I left. At the time my daugher was one. It was horribly stressful traveling so far with a todler and I didn't speak to my sister for a year.

My sister and I have moved past this horrible fight and are close again. We have been getting along for about 1.5 years. This has been inspired by our daughters who are 6 months apart adoring each other. We were always close and it feels good to be best friends with my sister again. Ironically, my last drink was her last night here. January 7th. I'm not sure what signifigance this has, but I know it does. (For me anyway!) She doesn't know I've quit again, but would be proud of me. She is a normal drinker. Her husband is an alcoholic and she suffers in her marriage becasue of that.

After I started drinking again after 4 years, I was in denial of what a grip it had on me. When I tried to quit in 2015 I really had a hard time committing, and kept putting it off. The thought of not sticking with it this time is not there. I am so relieved.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

7 hours of driving today, made more brutal by a GPS fowl up at the end. UGG! Glad to be in my warm hotel. Nary a drop of booze in site. Have a good evening all. Byrdie

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

I finally read the Jackie Wallace story. What a sad story of how real and devastating addiction can be. There was something ironic for me as I read this story...Super Bowl XIV, when they didn't put him in to play against the Pittsburgh Steelers, we were living in Florida at the time and watched this very game. I was in 9th grade in January or February, 1980. While we were running around our neighborhood banging pots and pans, his suffering started. That was his last experience in the NFL. That's when he started to go downhill so quickly, sucked into addiction. It's not significant about where I was, it's just one of those things when you remember where you were for a particular event, like the Challenger exploding or 9/11. But this stuck with me...

.
But after 12 years sober, something snapped. “It was one day of me not taking care of myself,” Jackie said.

All it takes is one day of not "taking our medicine" as Jackie said. One day of not taking care of ourselves and we can slip away.

Jvo

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Quiet day in Lav-land but that's OK with me
Snow 7 rain on the way tomorrow, oh well.

Now that I got you all talking about your mothers......does anyone want to tell a dad story? Mine was rough, a chronically miserable person who took his frustration out on everyone including us four kids I ended having to take care of him for 12 years after my mom passed away. Wasn't I the lucky only daughter? My three brothers never lent a hand even when I begged. So now we know how family dynamics shape our lives & pushes some of us into making bad choices....just sayin
I sure have learned a lot about people & best of all about myself! I let myself down for way too long & I know now that I will never do that again. Why would I? Life is not perfect when you kick AL out but it is manageable

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone. Good posts. Seems like a big lesson for all of us is taking care of ourselves. I never thought that was an issue for me but it turns out to be a really big deal. I sense alcohol creeping back in when I am out of balance, don’t speak my truth, don’t listen to myself. I had my first craving in a long time tonight. I got a doozy headache this afternoon (so tired of them), and began to think about wine. I knew it was a bad idea but still craved it. That’s what’s so confusing about addiction... wanting a bad idea. It’s confusing and provocative and dangerous and, in the end, just the product of an addictive substance on our brain.

Anyhow, safe in bed.

G, travels sound fun!

Sending good vibes for a snow day to whoever said that...

Ava let us know how your son is. Thinking of you.

LAV I have a father I adore and admire. He’s a yoga teacher, Buddhist practitioner. He’s deep and spiritual but ironically very light hearted and goofy. He’s taught me that you don’t need much to be happy. I am lucky to have had his influence in my life. He rarely drinks but his father was an alcoholic - but stopped drinking when my dad was in the hospital at a young age and evidently never looked back. Here’s to not having to repeat or partake in all of our family’s mistakes - though I tried

Good night and may tomorrow be pain free.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - hope all is ok with your son. It's so great that you're sober, able and willing to drive to see him if need be. Please keep us posted.

Choices - can't wait to hear how the start at your new school goes. I think your program sounds so interesting!

Nar - that's just way too cold! Sorry you're dealing with such frigid temps. Hopefully you'll get a fabulous spring and summer in trade!

Jvo - You aren't asking too many questions at all. I think living to tell the tale of losing a ten year quit and then fighting my way back is one of the best things I can share. Here's what happened:

After drinking in a disordered way from my mid-teens through my 20s, I got a handle on things and I had about a ten-year quit through my 30s. I had a few temptations here and there during that decade, but for the most part it was really just as simple as what we've all talked about - I just didn't drink. About 5 years in, a long string of very difficult events started. I was badly injured in a car accident, I got divorced, my injuries forced me to leave my beloved career, I moved across the country (thus leaving most of my social and support network), and then my mom got diagnosed with terminal cancer. I cared for her through her last year, and was with her when she passed. It was heart breaking, and still I didn't drink. Through all of this, one surefire source of comfort was my very smart and sensitive jack russell pup. She got me through ALL of those difficult times and was really my best friend. About 6 months after my mom passed, my dog was also diagnosed with cancer. She lived about two more years, but the end came very unexpectedly when her tumor ruptured. It broke the last tiny shredded pieces of my heart, and suddenly I felt completely alone. I went and bought a bottle either that night or the next day - very purposefully - I did NOT want to feel so much pain anymore, I'd simply reached my breaking point. I didn't realize, didn't even think about how far back I might slide. I was coping in the only way I had left, as bad as that was. That bottle quickly turned into a bottle a day, and before I knew it I was right back where I'd been ten years earlier. It took 3 years of drinking daily (and heavily) for me to get things back under control.

In hindsight, if I had known how quickly I'd lose so much ground, I am fairly certain I would have chosen differently. Although at the time, I just needed an "off" switch to numb my broken heart and I'm not sure I would have cared.

So this is the one part of my quit that scares me the most. I know I got through devastating events before without drinking, and I just went through a few more last year and kept my quit. The lesson I learned from the breaking of my ten-year quit is to not let things get that bad, that lonely, in the first place. To not let myself get to a point where I am so isolated and have nobody else to turn to for support or comfort. Over the past few years I have done a better job of not letting my support system shrink so much that I'm in danger of losing it all if I lose one piece. Ironically, al actually gave me the "courage" to take the first few steps toward building a social circle again, so there is that piece of a bright side I guess. But I need to continue to develop my skills and resources so that I have an array of coping mechanisms.

The main thing I learned is how incredibly quickly things can turn to sh*t again if we have a drink. It doesn't erase everything immediately, but at least in my case, my brain rapidly rediscovered all of those neural pathways from my drinking years and within weeks or maybe a few months max, it was as if I'd never quit. Very similar to the story about Jackie - the same part you pointed out above. One day is really all it took to quickly undo ten years in my case. One day.

Hold tight to your quits folks. Protect them like they're made of gold, because they are.

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you for sharing your story wagmor. I'm sorry you had such a lonely, sad time leading up to drinking again. I think sorrow and loneliness can be such a trigger for substance abuse. I'm glad you've pulled your self out of it!

The one day not taking care of ourselves gives me chills. It resonates with me when I drank again. I remember a teacher once said that I needed to be humble and respectful of my limits. It is really good advice. I think the problem I have is not knowing my limits as well as I should. But I'm trying to get in touch with my boundries.

Speaking of fathers. Mine crossed my boundaries all the time. He was king of the castle and we all were afraid of him. He is an alcoholic. When he was married to my mother he didn't drink. His longest stint was 25 years. It was my stepmother who convinced him to drink again. She is a daily drinker who I have never seen drunk. I have no idea how much she drinks but I know she can't go a day without it and is self concious when other people are not drinking.

My dad has managed years not drinking here and there when it gets out of control with him. Some years when I see him, he has quit some he is drinking. I like his personality better when he is sober-- but then when he is sober he is also awkward and I think has anxiety. (I think) this was always him so I don't know. I just thought he was always dissapointed and mad at me, so I tried to stay out of his way.. but at the same time wanting his attention...

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all,

some great posts today!
Wagmor I really sympathise with you - a lot of ....actually it could almost be all of, my drinking over the last year was due to loneliness. After living abroad for most of my adult life, my relationship (which wasn't that happy a one most of the time) ended, I was let go from my job so I decided to return home thinking it was the right thing to do. I thought I settled into my new life quite quickly, but soon found out that all of my old friends here have now got families and even then there's no real effort to catch up much. Due to work, I had to move to a city away from family and at the age I am now, most people are in relationships and settled down - not a lot of opportunity for meeting people. I live alone, so most human contact is through work (which, thankfully, I really enjoy). I miss living abroad and have realised I'm not as happy here as I thought I would be, and once I had that first drink, it became an easy thing to do to escape the loneliness or rather frustration of being lonely...
That blue mood of the last few days has thankfully passed and today was much better - I'm one of those people who has to be stimulated/busy all the time so work is great for throwing myself into - the weekends can be real hard work unless I plan something ahead..
Anyway, it's getting late and I'm tired so night from me - talk tomorrow...

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

That IS a cautionary tale, Wags. Thanks for sharing.

Ellie from the Bubble Hour had a similar story - 5 years sober, sober blogger, successful business person. She had a growing business, young children, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through the treatment and then her dad got sick and eventually died from cancer. One day she was cooking in the kitchen and went into the pantry and downed the bottle of vanilla. She was off to the liquor store, and off to the races. It is so hard for me to conceive of that, but when I hear your story, Wags, I get it. Self care is not just eating healthy and exercising. It is cultivating relationships; finding passions; sleeping enough; finding creative outlets; and so much more. These stories of long term sobriety leading to a relapse are SO important for me to hear. I don't want to get complacent - ever.

I have to remember that this week - it is a slog of a week at work. Every morning I wake up and immediately worry about the day. I'll get through it, and I have friends visiting this weekend, so I am really looking forward to Friday night.

Kiwi - any sports teams you could join? Card club? Volunteer stuff? Maybe find something you like to do because surely you're not the only single person in the area... (and stop calling me Shirley). Easy for me to say. I was talking with my son (15) and husband last night and saying how grateful I was that I met him before Internet dating. I don't think I'd do very well with that (although some of my best friends have met partners that way).

Take care of yourselves, nest, and don't drink, no matter what.

Pav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags, thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had such a string of heartbreak. I feel very lucky to not have had to deal with the really hard stuff since stopping drinking and I know that the temptation will be 10x more when hard stuff hits - and it usually does in a lifetime. Hopefully yours is past.

Choices, I love your quote about limits. MAN that's one I need to read every morning. It's respecting ourselves to understand that we are not superhuman. A timely one for me, thank you.

Hugs to everyone today.

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all, on day 52 and still trucking! Moms, Dads, relapse after good sober time, personal struggles and personal victories, insight, caring for others...and working things out. This is a great place to be, to come back to, to think about, to share, to be yourself. Thank you all, know that you are awesome!!

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks. Wags for sharing. Such an important lesson for everyone here. I know that it scares me a lot. I need to get past short term sobriety and then need to continue be aware that this beast is always sitting right around the corner. But thanks also for sharing how important it is to maintain support, utilize tools, and be aware when extra help is needed when we are faced with these inevitable tough life events. I have lots of learning to do and acceptance is still hard for me, but then I was thinking about that one.

Acceptance that I can never drink again is hard for me in early sobriety. But that completely irrational. When I think of how alcohol has always gotten in the way of me finding who I really am, the strong and loving person I am, I should be very accepting that it no longer has a place in my life. I deserve so much more. I guess it all goes along with habits are hard to break, even if they hurt you.

Well, my whole life, even before addictions came into the picture, I've had low self esteem. Very low. I never liked myself, was always feeling down, just never satisfied with me. I can see why I began to numb at a very young age. I remember my first drunk, feeling relief. Couldn't wait until I could feel that relief again.

But that's 37ish years ago. Even tho I struggled through my adult life, there were improvements in how I felt about myself, an increase in my confidence, but...never living life to to the fullest. I'm ready to let that person I always was, well, most of her, go. I want to be reborn and recognize the new me is a gift I can give myself for the rest of my life. I know I will never get to where I wanna be if I drink. I will only go down and backwards from here.

Jvo